Forgiveness

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Lots here to ponder!

One area that I want to comment on is about victimization and perpetuation of abuse. The big problem here is that there are just no reliable studies based upon scientific method to demonstrate any relationship of victims as perps other than those that have been reported and prosecuted.

So, what about all of the people that were indeed abused (in various ways) and do not offend? We have no way of knowing what these numbers really are. There are anecdotal reports, but, that just doesn't give us much to go on.

What is sad about this to me is not having any kind of data to study how and why many victims of abuse do not fit the common belief structures of once a victim, then an offender. They do not go on to offend.

I was raised myself by parents that were abused and did not offend. In fact, something that was true of them was an uncanny sense of picking up on threats of abuse by others around myself and my siblings along with fierce protectiveness. In fact, I really listen to people I know with abuse histories in terms of their clueing in on a perpetrator. If they say something is creepy about someone, I take note. What are the differences in how these people navigate in the world and what is behind their ability to transcend the common stereotype of the abuse cycle? This is a big missing link!

I often think about what are the adaptive traits of someone that has an abuse history and does not offend? What is it about their nature that has provided them with the ability to see that they have choices about behavior?

I just wanted to interject and say that I did not limit the effects of abuse to victims becoming abusers themselves. I mentioned both sides of the coin as far as perpetuating the cycle: becoming abusers and remaining victims. While some who were abused take on the role of abusers, others remain in a state where they constantly consider themselves either as victims (actually, I would argue that many who become abusers become as such because they continue to see themselve as victims, and that is part of what they feel excuses their behaviour) or not worthy of anything beyond abuse. Both are equally dangerous, in my opinion. This does not necessarily mean that they enter into physically abusive (or even psychologically abusive) relationships, but affects how they go about their daily life and interact with others despite that this may never lead to being the victims of criminal offense or the perpetrators of criminal offense. I know one woman who was bullied as a child, and who appears to seek to recreate her high school/elementary school life, but with herself in the place of those who bullied her. She does not break any laws, but literally mimicks the same behaviour that alienated her from her peers. I don't think, at that point, it becomes about forgiving those bullies, but about coming to terms with what she endured, leaving behind her insecurities and taking control of her own life, instead of allowing past events to dictate it. However, I recognise that this, to anyone reading my post, would simply be hearsay as we can all say "I know something that blah blah blah," so I'll leave it at that.

You're correct that there are little to no studies regarding those who have not come into contact with the law, but, if I recall correctly, there have been numerous studies done linking victims of abuse to certain psychological disorders that later cause them to commit acts that may or may not be punished by law. I know that there are studies regarding how traumatic childhood events are linked to triggering hereditary forms of depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia among others that would have otherwise remained untriggered. How much this plays into continuing the cycle, I do not know.

I agree that there are many out there who do take control of their behaviour, and, therefore, their future. I think you pose a very good question though, about what it is that causes a person to see that they have a choice as far as how they choose to behave after the fact. I'm not sure I can really answer what exactly it is that causes a person to reflect, and therefore, choose to break a certain cycle. I think a big part of it is breaking out of the mentality that one is a victim, and into the understanding that one does have control. I'm at a loss as to what the missing puzzle piece is.

In other words, I think that experiencing abuse can result in an individual who either becomes an abuser him/herself and/or continues to consider him/herself a victim, and/or continues to consider him/herself worthless after the fact, or merely someone who is negatively affected by past abuse within their daily life, given the presence of a certain combination of factors...I remain at a loss as to what those factors are, or even what factors result in someone who manages to reflect and take control of their own behaviour. Very good, question, though. I'll think about it some more and try to add something later.