Forgiveness

Ryobi · 09-22-2010, 10:37 PM

I have no judgment whether someone forgives or not. I wonder though, for the folks who don't forgive, (or can't forgive) do you expect forgiveness from others? Does it matter to you if you are forgiven or not?

Soft*Silver · 09-22-2010, 11:02 PM

I want to address Ryobi's question. I forgive. Just not carte blanche. Some things are not meant to be forgiven. If you read my post you will see I talk about me not expecting others to always forgive me. I have very few unforgivables. One burns in me with lava anger..a resentment and it is toxic to my sobriety if I dont work on it. Resentments are NEVER good. This is an example of anger being mixed with unforigiveness. I am dealing with it on a daily level. I hope maybe one day of it not being lava like at least.

I have one other person I have forgiven for many things but one thing I will not forgive her for. I know why she did what she did. I know it was bad judgement on her part and she really wasnt schooled to be any more than this action. I know she couldnt give what she herself was never given. Had she even said she was sorry I could forgive. But that never came. I know she couldnt because she couldnt see or if she could, hoped I couldnt see, how wrong her behavior was. I speak of my mother. Of all the things wrong she did (and she did many many things right) she did one thing that remains the most hurtful of all things ever done to me. I will not forgive her. But I dont hate her. In my unforgiveness I hold her close to my own heart and weep that she could not have been a happier person or have been loved better herself so she could have known how wrong this was. I dont hold it against it. It does not seperate who we are to one another. but the action was deadly to my soul and to forgive her of her deed, would be to betray me to myself. I will not do that either. But I will not stop loving her. In fact, I love her more because of it. Can you understand?

I have recently contacted most of my exes in preparation to do my ammends. Well, actually I have begun some. All of them were glad to hear from me. We let the past lay on the ground like autumn leaves. We move closer to death than to life in our age brackets and we have come to realize forgiveness is a blessing and a gift. None of us want to go to our grave hating the other. Or resenting. Or having ill feelings. What matters is we are happy NOW. And what we found in each other that caused us to love each other, can now once again be shared but in a simpler, less intense, and less familiar way.

when I close my eyes for the final time, I want my grandchildren to remember me with love and light, not hurt and pain. Its how I remember my mother that way. Certainly my father too. I hope to get to a place where forgiveness isnt what necessary but acceptance is. It was what it was. I want to close my eyes and know the life I led was a good one, if not a perfect one. And what would make it good would be the lessons I learned and passed onto those whom I loved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ryobi

I have no judgment whether someone forgives or not. I wonder though, for the folks who don't forgive, (or can't forgive) do you expect forgiveness from others? Does it matter to you if you are forgiven or not?

princessbelle · 09-22-2010, 11:14 PM

I'm really tired tonight and not quite sure this will make a whole lot of sense...but, i've been thinking about this thread a lot and what i think and it's made me really look deep inside and try to articulate a response.

I have come to the conclusion that i can do one of two things when faced with someone who has wronged me.

I can forgive and forget. It depends on the person, the action and whether or not this person is someone I want to keep in my life or at least keeping that door open. It depends on their remorse or at least an acknowledgment of doing wrong. In doing that I can forgive their action whether it be one of haste, not thinking, anger, self centeredness, caty or just plain stupid. These actions i am willing to forgive and forget.

Or...

I can forget and not forgive. These are the situations in my life that people have passed through the portals on my journey only to bring harm, hurt, dishonesty, thinking they are better than, mental anguish and or physical abuse. I decided long ago that these people do not deserve my forgiveness and forgetting they exist is the best way for me to simply rise above their cause of suffering and gift myself with putting them out of my mind. I have learned i am totally capable of doing this. Closing a door on someone is forgetting them. Not dwelling on their behaviour or trying to figure it out is my way of coping. I will not take the energy to forgive them and I will not allow these types of people into my life....into my journey...into my head and heart. I close the door tight....they are forgotten but never forgiven.

rlin · 09-22-2010, 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Or...

I can forget and not forgive. These are the situations in my life that people have passed through the portals on my journey only to bring harm, hurt, dishonesty, thinking they are better than, mental anguish and or physical abuse. I decided long ago that these people do not deserve my forgiveness and forgetting they exist is the best way for me to simply rise above their cause of suffering and gift myself with putting them out of my mind. I have learned i am totally capable of doing this. Closing a door on someone is forgetting them. Not dwelling on their behaviour or trying to figure it out is my way of coping. I will not take the energy to forgive them and I will not allow these types of people into my life....into my journey...into my head and heart. I close the door tight....they are forgotten but never forgiven.

belle...

this is pure genius... all my life i have of course heard the converse... to forgive but not forget... its obvious when you say this that you have it the correct way...
if i can forgive them...i may as well forget it... but if i cant forgive them... i damned sure owe it to myself to forget... why should i punish myself for something someone put on me? excellent premise...
i am a little tired myself... but... i had to tell you that i really admire this statement...
you are obviously a really smart lady...

b

DamonK · 09-23-2010, 12:08 AM

Forgiveness is a bitter thing for me.

I've done things I don't expect forgiveness for. Things have been done that I am unable to forgive.

I do believe in forgiveness. However I don't believe in forgetting. Inability to forget doesn't mean I hold a grudge. I don't think of the transgression every time the offender is seen. But the betrayal is remembered and things may change slightly to ensure that doesn't happen again. For example, I am lied to. From then on, I make take what that person says with a grain of salt.

A more extreme example... my abuser. He's forgiven. It's not forgotten. I will socialize with him, but I will avoid being alone with him for any extended period of time.

For me.. sometimes the overall person outweighs the betrayal.

However, I never forgive for them. I do it so it doesn't eat me alive.

Sachita · 09-23-2010, 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by princessbelle

I'm really tired tonight and not quite sure this will make a whole lot of sense...but, i've been thinking about this thread a lot and what i think and it's made me really look deep inside and try to articulate a response.

I have come to the conclusion that i can do one of two things when faced with someone who has wronged me.

I can forgive and forget. It depends on the person, the action and whether or not this person is someone I want to keep in my life or at least keeping that door open. It depends on their remorse or at least an acknowledgment of doing wrong. In doing that I can forgive their action whether it be one of haste, not thinking, anger, self centeredness, caty or just plain stupid. These actions i am willing to forgive and forget.

Or...

I can forget and not forgive. These are the situations in my life that people have passed through the portals on my journey only to bring harm, hurt, dishonesty, thinking they are better than, mental anguish and or physical abuse. I decided long ago that these people do not deserve my forgiveness and forgetting they exist is the best way for me to simply rise above their cause of suffering and gift myself with putting them out of my mind. I have learned i am totally capable of doing this. Closing a door on someone is forgetting them. Not dwelling on their behaviour or trying to figure it out is my way of coping. I will not take the energy to forgive them and I will not allow these types of people into my life....into my journey...into my head and heart. I close the door tight....they are forgotten but never forgiven.

We are a like on this. It really depends on the person and situation. There is a certain level of deception I find insane and if I encounter it I forget. Forgiving isnt anywhere in the equation. I simple shut the door and try to put it out of my mind. Ok, maybe I dwell on it a few days wondering WTF and try to figure out why I attracted such nonsense into my life in the first place. I try and grasp the lesson, if there is one and forget.

Then you have forgive, let go but never forget.

I have people in my life today I forgive over and over. Someone might thing its crazy but I know the essence of that human isnt bad and they just cant help themselves. I put it in a whole different perspective but at the same time I never let them get too close to me because then its an issue of trust.

It took me a long time to forgive myself on some things but I did.

09-22-2010, 10:37 PM	#1
Ryobi Member How Do You Identify?: TG Stone Butch. Over all, I identify by living my life. Preferred Pronoun?: He/His Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Upper Midwest Posts: 633 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 683 Thanked 1,238 Times in 357 Posts Rep Power: 12468329	Forgot to ask my question. I have no judgment whether someone forgives or not. I wonder though, for the folks who don't forgive, (or can't forgive) do you expect forgiveness from others? Does it matter to you if you are forgiven or not? __________________ "If you can't do great things, do small things in a great way" Napoleon Hill. "To choose a word is to choose a world" Anonymous

09-22-2010, 11:14 PM	#3
princessbelle Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: femme ones Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Tennessee Posts: 6,100 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,380 Thanked 30,497 Times in 5,198 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I'm really tired tonight and not quite sure this will make a whole lot of sense...but, i've been thinking about this thread a lot and what i think and it's made me really look deep inside and try to articulate a response. I have come to the conclusion that i can do one of two things when faced with someone who has wronged me. I can forgive and forget. It depends on the person, the action and whether or not this person is someone I want to keep in my life or at least keeping that door open. It depends on their remorse or at least an acknowledgment of doing wrong. In doing that I can forgive their action whether it be one of haste, not thinking, anger, self centeredness, caty or just plain stupid. These actions i am willing to forgive and forget. Or... I can forget and not forgive. These are the situations in my life that people have passed through the portals on my journey only to bring harm, hurt, dishonesty, thinking they are better than, mental anguish and or physical abuse. I decided long ago that these people do not deserve my forgiveness and forgetting they exist is the best way for me to simply rise above their cause of suffering and gift myself with putting them out of my mind. I have learned i am totally capable of doing this. Closing a door on someone is forgetting them. Not dwelling on their behaviour or trying to figure it out is my way of coping. I will not take the energy to forgive them and I will not allow these types of people into my life....into my journey...into my head and heart. I close the door tight....they are forgotten but never forgiven. __________________ ~ I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. ~ Maya Angelou

09-23-2010, 12:08 AM	#5
DamonK Senior Member How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: May 2010 Location: . Posts: 2,199 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,527 Thanked 7,762 Times in 1,881 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Forgiveness is a bitter thing for me. I've done things I don't expect forgiveness for. Things have been done that I am unable to forgive. I do believe in forgiveness. However I don't believe in forgetting. Inability to forget doesn't mean I hold a grudge. I don't think of the transgression every time the offender is seen. But the betrayal is remembered and things may change slightly to ensure that doesn't happen again. For example, I am lied to. From then on, I make take what that person says with a grain of salt. A more extreme example... my abuser. He's forgiven. It's not forgotten. I will socialize with him, but I will avoid being alone with him for any extended period of time. For me.. sometimes the overall person outweighs the betrayal. However, I never forgive for them. I do it so it doesn't eat me alive.