Open Letter: Dear Femme

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

Gemme,

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you can put this out there so easily. And this is where and when I become the judgmental being. I judge. I cannot imagine for a second loving someone so deeply and then not. So, of course - I question their motives and if they ever truly did love. I believe I also lack the ability to see gray area much of the time. Something I have to work on, when it comes to other people and how they deal with things. I am really black and white when it comes to this.

I can HATE - and hate I have. But never someone who I have loved or who has loved me. But then again, no one has ever really hurt me to the core of my being. Sure, I have been hurt by love lost and cried my little girl tears and have been so distraught - but to hate them, because they have chosen to move on in a different direction as me. Or to hate them, because they have stolen money from me? It's only money and I do not form attachments to material things, even though I am obsessed with them. The only person I ever hated, was a person who hurt my children. My claws came out and I could feel the hate build inside of me, and all I wanted to do was hurt this person.

I guess for me, I have only been in love once. I have loved many - but that deep in love feeling, truly once in my life. And I could not hate her if my life depended on it. Even though, my heart broke - no, I could never hate her and will die loving her. I let her in, how can I push her out? Hopefully one day, I will allow myself to fall. Maybe that's why I have never hated, I do not allow myself to go to that place with partners. Far too vulnerable for me.

In thinking about your words, again -- Perhaps I need to look at myself and figure out why I do not allow myself this emotion of "Hate." Maybe it would do my soul good to feel it. But the few times I have, it has just left me feeling angry and I don't like anger. A rule in my relationships - do not ever yell at me! If you yell at me, I probably will walk. I don't do anger.

Thanks YOU!

I think this world needs all types and expressions of love. That's why we're different. *grin*

I don't see any of us being 'better' than the other or having a 'better' way of processing stuff. Just different. I like the idea of feeling as you do for those who've passed through your life and love.

Our past experiences teach us a lot and help mold us. Some things make others turn away from what occurred and some things creates a draw to the same type of action or behavior.

You don't do anger. The majority of my life has been nothing but anger. Anger and loss and frustration and regret. A being can't exist in this world, in that atmosphere, without it coloring them. I'd like to say that I'm all bright yellow for sunshine and glitter, but it's just not so. I'm more indigo or gray.

You also mentioned not having been hurt to your core. That's another difference between us. I've experienced betrayal on levels I would only wish on my most hated (wry grin) enemies. Sometimes I invited those into my life who did this and sometimes I didn't.

I see you as a very open person, who does her best to see the gold in everyone. I am a bit different. In relation to people that are acquaintances or are only on the peripherals of my life, I don't judge or criticize them very harshly. It's those that are deeply twisted in the fibers of my life that I have the most difficult time with. It's something I have worked and worked on but I think, on some cellular level deep within my being, there is an expectation of hurt. Everything is exaggerated. My Judgey McJudgerson self comes out. I expect more from them. I give more to them. Everything....love, lust, hate, laughter, happiness, sadness....is magnified a thousandfold.

You've said that once they are in, since you let them in, you can't or won't push them out. Once I let someone in, the stakes increase dramatically. That's why I hold so many people at arm's length. In the best of cases, the hurt is outweighed by the joy. In most cases, it's just not so. It's probably going to be a lifelong battle I wage within myself, to see the brighter side of things and to try to let go of the rest.