Open Letter: Dear Femme

[labete]

Originally Posted by evolveme

It touched me so much to come across this. When I think about it now, I've watched you become someone who protects herself more fiercely when necessary and more firmly all the time. You are not someone for whom the lesson of boundary maintenance is on eternal repeat (unless it is and you've managed to hide this from me terribly well). I've watched you, even recently, setting boundaries with those you love even when it pains you. I marvel at your strength as much as your stamina.

When I think of you, it is your openness, the generosity of your love, and the way that you are dedicated to improving yourself - and that you DO - that inspires me. All of these things, naturally, have benefited me in some way, and so you see here that I am selfish compared to you. It's what I see about you that makes me more in love with you all the time, as my friend and as my sister. It's the part of you I wish would rub off a little. I want to be the kind of friend that you deserve.

Darlin', you're one of the best friends I've ever had. You should move back where we can go out together again, but I try not to hold your geographic deficiency against you too much. You inspire me and I inspire you, sounds life a pretty good deal to me.

And Jiminy Hopping Christmas yes on the boundary issues. I have worked hard on those and gotten so much better. And my quality of life is much improved as a result. My honey's been inspiring me there, which is a great quality for her to have, in my book. Reinforcement is good for me.

Originally Posted by evolveme

Yes. It is a kind of masturbatory therapy, and as such, I submit that more of us should be doing more of it more of the time.

Certainly, by the sound of it, you should. Just look at the afterglow from that one, sugar.

I agree. The public masturbatory therapy is powerful and empowering and often therapeutic or cathartic for the audience as well. I love a good catharsis.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I just wanted to put in this photo, just published today about steel workers in Sheffield during WWII...

This picture really speaks to me about how *I* am feminine and the things *I* enjoy. And that - I know the picture is staged for the journalist of the time - but that she is dressed the way she is, with heels, doing something she loves and supporting her family by doing so - and contributing to the needs asked of her...

few things make me feel "right on sistah!" but this pic really does.



I don't think of this job as masculine and therefor more valued. I think of the unacceptance of femininity to BE there and how hard it is to be taken seriously when I do the same thing (well, not fixing a tank. though my god, I would LOVE to) wearing my own femininity.

One of the biggest achievements, for me, was changing the bearings in a 4x4 drifeshaft, in the jungle, and not cutting my nails to do it. and I didn't break one. And I wore daisy flip flops. my symbols of femininity while I do something someone thinks I shouldn't be doing, while I'm doing it, is my happy "fuck you. I'm all fluffy a cute and I can do it better than you can, @sshole." to those it seems bizzare to.

and she's not all pin up about it either. rock!

[Bit]

I like this picture! Thanks very much for posting it, honeybarbara. It might have been a posed photo, but she sure looks like she knows exactly what she's looking at and exactly how to fix it.

I think it's amazing you changed the bearings in the driveshaft without breaking a nail!

At this point in my life, doing anything without breaking a nail is an accomplishment for me. I never knew they could get so... well, so careworn. I guess I know what that word means now in a way I didn't used to. And I know something else, too; I know that my nails are more a symbol to me of my femininity than I thought they were.

It's really ironic that a huge marker of femininity, bleeding, is what caused the problems with my own personal symbol of femininity, my nails. They're weakened from anemia. Who knew?! It would probably help if I kept them polished--another one of my personal markers of femininity--but they're in dishwater every day and I hate chipped nail polish with a passion. *wry smile*

[imperfect_cupcake]

it does suck, doesn't it. I had to give up my nails. I've now got a much sorter version and they ok at "sport" length. But when I went to kuala lumpur and looked at the nail art... the nail designs were far beyond anything I had ever seen before. it was like the gals had little cakes on their fingers. The expressions of them made my heart ache I wanted a set so bad.

Inki felt bad for me so she took me to a hair clip store and I bought about equal to £5 worth of jeweled and decorated and cutesified hair clips (which in maylasian was A LOT). She also wanted to buy me a few fabulous false eyelashes (long ones with blue feathers and gems) but I thought it was getting out of hand.

I'm so glad she understands me and knows how to help me find replacement parts for things I can't have that are expressive of who I am... she helps me pick out shoes, eyelashes, hello kitty hair clips, make up... it so HELPS to have that kind of interest in my femininity in a partner.

If there are things that helps make up for your nails, indulge. seriously.

Plus nail treatments can help. I have hideously weak, peely nails. there's stuff I can get that helps, I just don't always remember to put it on *eyeball roll at self*

[Bit]

To the very sweet friend who clued me in: Thank you, I will try that!

Her advice for my nails? Prenatal vitamins, half of one a day. Hey, maybe it'll give me back my symbol, eh?

Honeybarbara, I hadn't thought of "replacing" my nails with other feminine symbols, but yanno, it's coming on time to replace my hair scrunchies--I almost always wear my hair tied back--and maybe it would be a really good idea to choose prettier ones this time. I really hadn't thought of that, thank you--and thanks to your sweetie for thinking of it, too!

It's odd, how symbols of femininity are so important to me. I didn't expect this... I guess when my nails were long and strong and my hair was still blonde and my skin was young, I took it for granted that I didn't have to worry about "looking feminine enough." Now that age and anemia have taken a toll, I find that unless I "look feminine enough" it badly affects whether or not I feel sexually attractive.

I don't think that my outward signs of femininity should be so strongly tied to whether or not I feel sexy---sexy should be about being female, which is the reality of my body, NOT about looking feminine, which is basically society's images (and images to me are illusion, not reality)--but I honestly don't know how to untie the two things. To me, looking feminine by society's standards is required before I can feel sexy.

This is REALLY disconcerting for an old feminist like me. I really don't like it. *wry look*

[christie]

Bit -

I struggled for the majority of my life with feeling feminine. Its not hard to see the conundrum when you look at what society called "pretty" - 5'2" "barbie doll" blond haired, blue eyed, tanned, petite lil thangs. At 6'1, redheaded and blue eyed, pale white skin that burns at the mere mention of the sun. Well, I always felt so out of place.

It took a good number of years to come to the self-realization that my femininity and feeling sexy came needed to start on the inside. It certainly didn't hurt that redheads became "in". It didn't hurt that I am more comfortable in beautiful heels/stilettoes with great legs.

Over the years, my "fuck what everyone else thinks" attitude has really made me find my sense of self and sexiness. I am just as sexy in a killah dress and heels, a power suit, or in a pair of baggy basketball shorts, tank top and do-rag (my weekend home project attire). I have to decide that I am sexy. I can't let anyone or anything decide that for me. That is my power and mine alone.

In as far as the "symbols" of femininity, I admit that keeping my nails done is a priority for me. I have long, thin hands (7 1/2" from tip to base) and I feel positively undone without them. I can palm a basketball or grab an octave on the piano and without my nails manicured and polished, I feel like I have "man hands". That and lovely shoes are probably my only two "symbols."

Darlin', get up and look in that mirror and tell yourself that you are sexy. You are pretty. You are smart. You are (fill in the blank). Literally do this. Its amazing after a while that you will begin to believe it.

Christie

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by christie0918

Bit -

I struggled for the majority of my life with feeling feminine. Its not hard to see the conundrum when you look at what society called "pretty" - 5'2" "barbie doll" blond haired, blue eyed, tanned, petite lil thangs. At 6'1, redheaded and blue eyed, pale white skin that burns at the mere mention of the sun. Well, I always felt so out of place.

It took a good number of years to come to the self-realization that my femininity and feeling sexy came needed to start on the inside. It certainly didn't hurt that redheads became "in". It didn't hurt that I am more comfortable in beautiful heels/stilettoes with great legs.

Over the years, my "fuck what everyone else thinks" attitude has really made me find my sense of self and sexiness. I am just as sexy in a killah dress and heels, a power suit, or in a pair of baggy basketball shorts, tank top and do-rag (my weekend home project attire). I have to decide that I am sexy. I can't let anyone or anything decide that for me. That is my power and mine alone.

In as far as the "symbols" of femininity, I admit that keeping my nails done is a priority for me. I have long, thin hands (7 1/2" from tip to base) and I feel positively undone without them. I can palm a basketball or grab an octave on the piano and without my nails manicured and polished, I feel like I have "man hands". That and lovely shoes are probably my only two "symbols."

Darlin', get up and look in that mirror and tell yourself that you are sexy. You are pretty. You are smart. You are (fill in the blank). Literally do this. Its amazing after a while that you will begin to believe it.

Christie

The funny thing is.....I'd kill to be taller and to have red hair! To each their own, yes?

I agree with most of your line of thinking except one thing....the 'standard' ideal for who/what is beautiful is aimed more towards those in the middle of the height chart....around 5 foot 4 or 5 foot 5, I think. At least, as someone who is 5 foot one and a half inches tall, that is my experience. It's assumed that I am not strong because of my lack of height, which, I do understand is instinctual. The tallest, strongest, prettiest mate is the one that is typically chosen (depending on the particular species).

Has anyone ever noticed the switcheroo that occurs between the animal kingdom and us humans? There, it's the male and masculine that is the most colorful and designed to catch a potential mate's eyes, but the reverse is true for us in that the female and feminine partners are the ones to use color and bright and shiny things to catch our partner's attention.

[Bit]

It swings back and forth, Gemme--there have been times in history when men were QUITE the peacocks; I think Elizabethan times were one of them. Also, I think maybe other cultures than ours allow for more showiness in men.

Christie, my feminist mind totally gets it... tis something deeper at work in me, I guess, something I haven't figured out yet, that makes these symbols of femininity so important to me. My hands aren't mannish, but to me without long polished nails they look ugly and then I feel less feminine. It's REALLY disconcerting to understand this about myself. I don't want these things to be tied together, and I thought I had succeeded in UNTYING them... but here I am again. *rueful smile*

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Bit

It swings back and forth, Gemme--there have been times in history when men were QUITE the peacocks; I think Elizabethan times were one of them. Also, I think maybe other cultures than ours allow for more showiness in men.

*nods*

I think you are right. 'Showiness' is appreciated more in other countries than ours. So many of our cultures here in the U.S. emphasize a muted, almost subversive, 'showiness'. I probably could find another word other than 'showiness', but I like it.

[Deborah]

Originally Posted by blush

On the flip side of the high femme, I've also heard a lot of shit from femmes and trans/butches about high femmes. That they are stupid, "too much work," ALWAYS submissive, ALWAYS stone, and on and on...

Oh my I know this is old but I just have to say what a crock.....stupid, submissive, ALWAYS anything....too much work for someone not use to a femme with a mind of their own....thats what I have to say to those people...pfft

[Venus007]

Does it make me a wicked femme because this gives me dark dirty thoughts?

Originally Posted by Words

Clothes swap.

Oakland.

Realization.

Dressed up, we are beautiful.

But in bra and panties, thrown in a room together? AND...not a butch in sight?

We're fucking awesome.

[Kate09]

Originally Posted by christie0918

Bit -

I struggled for the majority of my life with feeling feminine. Its not hard to see the conundrum when you look at what society called "pretty" - 5'2" "barbie doll" blond haired, blue eyed, tanned, petite lil thangs. At 6'1, redheaded and blue eyed, pale white skin that burns at the mere mention of the sun. Well, I always felt so out of place.



Christie

I've so often felt the exact same way. And for myself, i need to add my weight to this list...bc so often i feel that fat cant be pretty or feminine.

This is something i heard one day that made me SO happy to be a femme tho.. gotta love it.

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q7IzwUa_kI"]YouTube- To all of the kick ass, beautiful fierce femmes out there...[/nomedia]

[Lillie]

great clip..I enjoyed it..and hy is fabulous!

[blush]

****bump****

This thread needs some action!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by blush

****bump****

This thread needs some action!

Action pusher.

[Passionaria]

I think this is a good place to express this. It's about femme sisterhood. I had an experience with a femme friend today, that in my mind is worthy of a public conversation. It's about how we do or don't respect each others hearts.

****** is a friend of mine. ****** is interested in my ex. My ex and I have been apart for over a year, but are still close friends. Everyone who knows us, knows this. Well they have been flirting, and playing with "that" energy (please don't make me watch) Today this femme had the maturity, and consideration to have a heart to heart talk with me about her feelings. And went so far as to ask for my blessing before going further, as to not hurt me.

I can't tell you how much I respect her, and appreciate her honesty and care. She was worried about talking to me, and felt guilty, not addressing it. Now she could have gone a lot of different ways with those feelings, but she decided to act like an adult and address it. It hurts to watch people we love(ed) move on. If it is done callously, and disrespectfully the pain only deepens. It wasn't a fun conversation for either of us, but her care helped the pain, she knew she was causing me. So BRAVA too her, for acting like a real woman, and a true sister.THAT I can respect, that's being REAL. In my mind that's how sisters should act. How do you other femmes feel about this?????

Pashi

[Julie]

Passionaria,

Thank you for sharing this. I think you and your friend have a beautiful relationship and are so blessed to have been able to have this dialog. It is obvious your break up was done with respect as well, and this shows much for who both you and your ex are as human beings.

My previous previous... There was a friend of mine who had a crush on her. She met Rachel at my son's Bar Mitzvah and asked me how I would feel if she asked Rachel out. I told Rachel what she said - Rachel said... Oh, she's cute! They dated and I was very happy for them. When my previous (not previous previous) broke up - I received a phone call from a friend and she asked me if I would put in a good word for her with my ex. This offended me.

I believe there are reasons why we split up in relationships. I also believe that once you love a person, that it is not possible to be so bitter, hateful and angry - at least not for me. I cannot go from loving to hating. I do not really understand this dynamic in people, and sadly, I question who they are as human beings and if they ever truly did love.

Good for you, your friend and your ex. I wish the three of you a lifelong friendship, filled with love.

Julie

[Passionaria]

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

Passionaria,

Thank you for sharing this. I think you and your friend have a beautiful relationship and are so blessed to have been able to have this dialog. It is obvious your break up was done with respect as well, and this shows much for who both you and your ex are as human beings.

My previous previous... There was a friend of mine who had a crush on her. She met Rachel at my son's Bar Mitzvah and asked me how I would feel if she asked Rachel out. I told Rachel what she said - Rachel said... Oh, she's cute! They dated and I was very happy for them. When my previous (not previous previous) broke up - I received a phone call from a friend and she asked me if I would put in a good word for her with my ex. This offended me.

I believe there are reasons why we split up in relationships. I also believe that once you love a person, that it is not possible to be so bitter, hateful and angry - at least not for me. I cannot go from loving to hating. I do not really understand this dynamic in people, and sadly, I question who they are as human beings and if they ever truly did love.

Good for you, your friend and your ex. I wish the three of you a lifelong friendship, filled with love.

Julie

Hi Julie,
Thank you for your kind supportive words, I appreciate it a lot. I really like what you have to say about love, and how once you have loved someone that you always carry some kind of feelings for them. I find the same to be true for me. Although they can do things that really hurt me or make me angry at times, I don't know how to throw them out of my heart. I'm not always sure that is a good thing but it is true, I suspect for many. I find that bitterness comes when there is unresolved hurt.

I also appreciate your examples about how another femme approached you, regarding your ex, made a difference for you. It may seem like common sense for us, but I think it is worth expressing. These basic acts of respect and kindness are building blocks for a healthy community.
Pashi

[Julie]

Originally Posted by Passionaria

Although they can do things that really hurt me or make me angry at times, I don't know how to throw them out of my heart. I'm not always sure that is a good thing but it is true, I suspect for many. I find that bitterness comes when there is unresolved hurt.
Pashi

Passionaria,

You really struck me with one part of your post, and that is what I am quoting.

I have had anger thrown at me from exes and I know I have done the same thing... And always, it is because there is an unresolved hurt. Which is why I try to resolve it with them, always - so we can heal and remember the love we once shared. I will always go back to Rachel who died 4 1/2 years ago, and had we not resolved - I just cannot imagine how my heart would hurt and always wonder.

In my very little world, I believe it is a good thing. It shows the kind of human being you are. That you have a loving, understanding and nurturing heart.

Thank You and I so wish for you, a most beautiful holiday.

Julie

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

I believe there are reasons why we split up in relationships. I also believe that once you love a person, that it is not possible to be so bitter, hateful and angry - at least not for me. I cannot go from loving to hating. I do not really understand this dynamic in people, and sadly, I question who they are as human beings and if they ever truly did love.


Julie

"Truth is, Great do need Hate to survive, so I..."

Will Smith


Semi-related, but that line is what popped into my head reading this part of your post. And then immediately afterward, I remembered a video I'd seen of someone talking about how love can translate to hate but I can't find that, so you have the lyric above.

*shrug*

Basically, here's my thoughts (and what was the core of the video I saw):

If you love someone enough to love them...REALLY love them, then you have the power to hate them with the same range and depth and intensity. Our world is all energy. We exchange energy all of the time. Emotions are all energy, regardless of what they portray. So, someone that loved me 'to infinity and beyond' has the power to hate me with the exact same amount of energy, just going in the 'uh oh' direction.

Now, there are those who are able to channel their energy peaks into something more productive than hatred. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. My capacity for hate is very high, as is my capacity for love and everything in between. I've been told I'm a hateful person, and perhaps I am. I know my wit lies on the sharper side of things.

For me, I look at things pretty much the opposite that you do. If someone loves me with richness and intensity and rocks me to my very core with it, I know that that love can go the other way with the same vastness. So, for me, it's not that they (or I) LACK humanity because they're (I'm) capable of hate, it's because they (I) ARE (AM) human that they (I) feel hate. The deeper the emotion, the more human they (I) are (am).