Open Letter: Dear Femme

[Passionaria]

I think this is a good place to express this. It's about femme sisterhood. I had an experience with a femme friend today, that in my mind is worthy of a public conversation. It's about how we do or don't respect each others hearts.

****** is a friend of mine. ****** is interested in my ex. My ex and I have been apart for over a year, but are still close friends. Everyone who knows us, knows this. Well they have been flirting, and playing with "that" energy (please don't make me watch) Today this femme had the maturity, and consideration to have a heart to heart talk with me about her feelings. And went so far as to ask for my blessing before going further, as to not hurt me.

I can't tell you how much I respect her, and appreciate her honesty and care. She was worried about talking to me, and felt guilty, not addressing it. Now she could have gone a lot of different ways with those feelings, but she decided to act like an adult and address it. It hurts to watch people we love(ed) move on. If it is done callously, and disrespectfully the pain only deepens. It wasn't a fun conversation for either of us, but her care helped the pain, she knew she was causing me. So BRAVA too her, for acting like a real woman, and a true sister.THAT I can respect, that's being REAL. In my mind that's how sisters should act. How do you other femmes feel about this?????

Pashi

[Julie]

Passionaria,

Thank you for sharing this. I think you and your friend have a beautiful relationship and are so blessed to have been able to have this dialog. It is obvious your break up was done with respect as well, and this shows much for who both you and your ex are as human beings.

My previous previous... There was a friend of mine who had a crush on her. She met Rachel at my son's Bar Mitzvah and asked me how I would feel if she asked Rachel out. I told Rachel what she said - Rachel said... Oh, she's cute! They dated and I was very happy for them. When my previous (not previous previous) broke up - I received a phone call from a friend and she asked me if I would put in a good word for her with my ex. This offended me.

I believe there are reasons why we split up in relationships. I also believe that once you love a person, that it is not possible to be so bitter, hateful and angry - at least not for me. I cannot go from loving to hating. I do not really understand this dynamic in people, and sadly, I question who they are as human beings and if they ever truly did love.

Good for you, your friend and your ex. I wish the three of you a lifelong friendship, filled with love.

Julie

[Passionaria]

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

Passionaria,

Thank you for sharing this. I think you and your friend have a beautiful relationship and are so blessed to have been able to have this dialog. It is obvious your break up was done with respect as well, and this shows much for who both you and your ex are as human beings.

My previous previous... There was a friend of mine who had a crush on her. She met Rachel at my son's Bar Mitzvah and asked me how I would feel if she asked Rachel out. I told Rachel what she said - Rachel said... Oh, she's cute! They dated and I was very happy for them. When my previous (not previous previous) broke up - I received a phone call from a friend and she asked me if I would put in a good word for her with my ex. This offended me.

I believe there are reasons why we split up in relationships. I also believe that once you love a person, that it is not possible to be so bitter, hateful and angry - at least not for me. I cannot go from loving to hating. I do not really understand this dynamic in people, and sadly, I question who they are as human beings and if they ever truly did love.

Good for you, your friend and your ex. I wish the three of you a lifelong friendship, filled with love.

Julie

Hi Julie,
Thank you for your kind supportive words, I appreciate it a lot. I really like what you have to say about love, and how once you have loved someone that you always carry some kind of feelings for them. I find the same to be true for me. Although they can do things that really hurt me or make me angry at times, I don't know how to throw them out of my heart. I'm not always sure that is a good thing but it is true, I suspect for many. I find that bitterness comes when there is unresolved hurt.

I also appreciate your examples about how another femme approached you, regarding your ex, made a difference for you. It may seem like common sense for us, but I think it is worth expressing. These basic acts of respect and kindness are building blocks for a healthy community.
Pashi

[Julie]

Originally Posted by Passionaria

Although they can do things that really hurt me or make me angry at times, I don't know how to throw them out of my heart. I'm not always sure that is a good thing but it is true, I suspect for many. I find that bitterness comes when there is unresolved hurt.
Pashi

Passionaria,

You really struck me with one part of your post, and that is what I am quoting.

I have had anger thrown at me from exes and I know I have done the same thing... And always, it is because there is an unresolved hurt. Which is why I try to resolve it with them, always - so we can heal and remember the love we once shared. I will always go back to Rachel who died 4 1/2 years ago, and had we not resolved - I just cannot imagine how my heart would hurt and always wonder.

In my very little world, I believe it is a good thing. It shows the kind of human being you are. That you have a loving, understanding and nurturing heart.

Thank You and I so wish for you, a most beautiful holiday.

Julie

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

I believe there are reasons why we split up in relationships. I also believe that once you love a person, that it is not possible to be so bitter, hateful and angry - at least not for me. I cannot go from loving to hating. I do not really understand this dynamic in people, and sadly, I question who they are as human beings and if they ever truly did love.


Julie

"Truth is, Great do need Hate to survive, so I..."

Will Smith


Semi-related, but that line is what popped into my head reading this part of your post. And then immediately afterward, I remembered a video I'd seen of someone talking about how love can translate to hate but I can't find that, so you have the lyric above.

*shrug*

Basically, here's my thoughts (and what was the core of the video I saw):

If you love someone enough to love them...REALLY love them, then you have the power to hate them with the same range and depth and intensity. Our world is all energy. We exchange energy all of the time. Emotions are all energy, regardless of what they portray. So, someone that loved me 'to infinity and beyond' has the power to hate me with the exact same amount of energy, just going in the 'uh oh' direction.

Now, there are those who are able to channel their energy peaks into something more productive than hatred. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. My capacity for hate is very high, as is my capacity for love and everything in between. I've been told I'm a hateful person, and perhaps I am. I know my wit lies on the sharper side of things.

For me, I look at things pretty much the opposite that you do. If someone loves me with richness and intensity and rocks me to my very core with it, I know that that love can go the other way with the same vastness. So, for me, it's not that they (or I) LACK humanity because they're (I'm) capable of hate, it's because they (I) ARE (AM) human that they (I) feel hate. The deeper the emotion, the more human they (I) are (am).

[Julie]

Originally Posted by Gemme

"Truth is, Great do need Hate to survive, so I..."

Will Smith


Semi-related, but that line is what popped into my head reading this part of your post. And then immediately afterward, I remembered a video I'd seen of someone talking about how love can translate to hate but I can't find that, so you have the lyric above.

*shrug*

Basically, here's my thoughts (and what was the core of the video I saw):

If you love someone enough to love them...REALLY love them, then you have the power to hate them with the same range and depth and intensity. Our world is all energy. We exchange energy all of the time. Emotions are all energy, regardless of what they portray. So, someone that loved me 'to infinity and beyond' has the power to hate me with the exact same amount of energy, just going in the 'uh oh' direction.

Now, there are those who are able to channel their energy peaks into something more productive than hatred. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. My capacity for hate is very high, as is my capacity for love and everything in between. I've been told I'm a hateful person, and perhaps I am. I know my wit lies on the sharper side of things.

For me, I look at things pretty much the opposite that you do. If someone loves me with richness and intensity and rocks me to my very core with it, I know that that love can go the other way with the same vastness. So, for me, it's not that they (or I) LACK humanity because they're (I'm) capable of hate, it's because they (I) ARE (AM) human that they (I) feel hate. The deeper the emotion, the more human they (I) are (am).

Gemme,

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you can put this out there so easily. And this is where and when I become the judgmental being. I judge. I cannot imagine for a second loving someone so deeply and then not. So, of course - I question their motives and if they ever truly did love. I believe I also lack the ability to see gray area much of the time. Something I have to work on, when it comes to other people and how they deal with things. I am really black and white when it comes to this.

I can HATE - and hate I have. But never someone who I have loved or who has loved me. But then again, no one has ever really hurt me to the core of my being. Sure, I have been hurt by love lost and cried my little girl tears and have been so distraught - but to hate them, because they have chosen to move on in a different direction as me. Or to hate them, because they have stolen money from me? It's only money and I do not form attachments to material things, even though I am obsessed with them. The only person I ever hated, was a person who hurt my children. My claws came out and I could feel the hate build inside of me, and all I wanted to do was hurt this person.

I guess for me, I have only been in love once. I have loved many - but that deep in love feeling, truly once in my life. And I could not hate her if my life depended on it. Even though, my heart broke - no, I could never hate her and will die loving her. I let her in, how can I push her out? Hopefully one day, I will allow myself to fall. Maybe that's why I have never hated, I do not allow myself to go to that place with partners. Far too vulnerable for me.

In thinking about your words, again -- Perhaps I need to look at myself and figure out why I do not allow myself this emotion of "Hate." Maybe it would do my soul good to feel it. But the few times I have, it has just left me feeling angry and I don't like anger. A rule in my relationships - do not ever yell at me! If you yell at me, I probably will walk. I don't do anger.

Thanks YOU!

[Arwen]

I don't hate any more. I grieve. I despair. I avoid. But I don't hate. That energy ties me into those I don't love any more. It is a deeper, stronger hook than that of love in some ways.

It makes me speak of them, dream of them even when they are no longer in my life by my choice. It makes me continue to feed them some piece of me that they have no right to. Even an angry, ugly emotion like hate feeds them. And I am done giving certain people any of me--even the ugly bits.

And believe you me, I've hated. I've hated long and hard and strong. Where did it get me?

Nowhere other than stressed out to the point of diarrhea and hair loss. Oh yes. I've hated hard.

I know it's fashionable these days to call yourself a hater. I choose not to do that. I choose not to buy into that negative energy any more. I don't like the end results. I prefer to seek joy. Sometimes that means avoiding some people, but hey! There's enough world out there for all of us, right?

Do I still love my exes? Some of them, yes. Very much so. Others? Nope, not at all. I've withdrawn their access to cash their emotional checks at my bank of self. Account closed.

It's hard to take this road. Others mock. Others think I'm a Pollyanna. And that's okay because that's their choice. It's not in my hula hoop to control what they say or think about me.

As to someone dating my ex? I'm pretty sure I didn't leave a leash on anyone I dated. I don't own my exes. I don't have the right to tell them who to date just as they don't have the right to tell me who to date.

Would it be painful to see my ex with a friend? Probably, but not in the way some might think. I have exes that I wouldn't want my friends to date because I know how much hurt could be brought into their lives. I don't want that for my friends. I love my friends but still would not "warn" them off. They are grown-assed women who can make that decision for themselves.

But to have a throwdown temper tantrum because someone I know is now dating someone I used to date? Nah...I'll leave those histrionics to others.

I do appreciate that Gemme talked to me about her attraction to OrganicButch only because I got to confess that I'd been telling him to check her out. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match!

That's my long two cents. Might even be a nickel.

[Passionaria]

Originally Posted by InfiniteFemme

Gemme,


Sure, I have been hurt by love lost and cried my little girl tears and have been so distraught - but to hate them, because they have chosen to move on in a different direction as me......

I am beginning to believe deep love + deep pain, can = hate. And I guess what constitutes "deep pain" is subjective. For me yelling is annoying but not a deal breaker, lol I can be very passionate with words myself. For me it is being disrespected, or worse yet humiliated, that works my last nerve! But then again I'm a bit of a Princess. OK a full blooded Princess.

And, Ms Julie I really appreciate how you can share differing opinions with such grace!!!!

Pashi

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Passionaria

I think this is a good place to express this. It's about femme sisterhood. I had an experience with a femme friend today, that in my mind is worthy of a public conversation. It's about how we do or don't respect each others hearts.

****** is a friend of mine. ****** is interested in my ex. My ex and I have been apart for over a year, but are still close friends. Everyone who knows us, knows this. Well they have been flirting, and playing with "that" energy (please don't make me watch) Today this femme had the maturity, and consideration to have a heart to heart talk with me about her feelings. And went so far as to ask for my blessing before going further, as to not hurt me.

I can't tell you how much I respect her, and appreciate her honesty and care. She was worried about talking to me, and felt guilty, not addressing it. Now she could have gone a lot of different ways with those feelings, but she decided to act like an adult and address it. It hurts to watch people we love(ed) move on. If it is done callously, and disrespectfully the pain only deepens. It wasn't a fun conversation for either of us, but her care helped the pain, she knew she was causing me. So BRAVA too her, for acting like a real woman, and a true sister.THAT I can respect, that's being REAL. In my mind that's how sisters should act. How do you other femmes feel about this?????

Pashi

This is lovely that she considered your feelings and respected you enough to engage you in this manner.