Tell us...I knew I was...

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Tommi

~Butch ~ Femme ~ Gay ~ Queer ~ Trans ~ Straight ~ or whichever descriptive image/s you choose

When did you know?

What did you do?

Tell us about your truths, your travels, travails, and trust. Tell us your story.

Looking back, I know I had crushes on girls my whole life but didn't frame it that way in my head, and I was also kinda boy-crazy. In 8th/9th grade, I had a boyfriend that I most definitely loved and I thought he was infinitely cool - definitely the coolest guy in my town (in my own estimation) and also beautiful and tragic. But even while in that relationship, I wrote a poem about a girl in my gym class. There was nothing in the poem to indicate the gender of the person it was about, but within about 20 minutes of writing it, I started asking myself what it meant and the only answer I had to that was to tear it up and throw it away.

My boyfriend and I had broken up by 10th grade, and I'd also realized that flirting with girls was way more fun then vying with them for male attention. Because of some trauma in my own life and some really sad and screwed up events regarding the first boyfriend, I imagined I was no longer capable of loving another person. I was very numb for about a decade afterward. I did think I was probably gay, but I was just drifting through life. I flirted with receptive straight girls, I dated men I couldn't bring myself to care too much for.

I came out to my aunt and a few friends when I was 19, and I was pretty sure then, but intimidated. Also, I wanted a wedding, I wanted a kid. Met my ex-husband when I was 19. He was beautiful - he looked a bit like jude law - and he had a gentle, perceptive, calming, feminine nature. I told him I was probably gay (and I thought he probably was too really). Ended up eventually marrying him while at the same time having a huge crush on my straight best friend. That was nothing though compared to the crushes I started getting on lesbians within a few years of getting married. I left him in May 2005 and by September I had realized I was gay for sure. Then I came out (and into this community) and ended up trying to re-figure all that out because so many of the people I was most attracted to were male-identified and I thought that meant maybe I wasn't a lesbian after all. And then there was my own gender experience of feeling bigendered and then coming out about all that. yadda yadda. So then again I wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or what.

But then I was in California during prop 8, and I began thinking about the fact that however I personally identify my gender and/or however the person I'm with identifies their gender, I'm a lesbian. I'm female-bodied, I prefer to partner with those who have bodies designated female. I prefer to live an out life. I would not be willing to closet myself or disappear my past or my truth if a partner transitioned. I'm not willing to closet myself by using male pronouns regarding my partner when doing so would communicate to others that I am in a straight relationship. If my current partner decided she wanted to transition, I would be supportive - but I would not allow my own identity to be subsumed by it.

So I guess I figured out I was a lesbian at 14, at 19, at 27 and at 30. And then the times between were more exploratory and processing of more data - but during those times I thought I was probably bisexual or pansexual or queer or - if there were a term for it - attracted to a range of people who tend to have atypical gender experience or presentation. If I put all identities aside and just looked at attraction, I would say I'm probably a 4.5 on the Kinsey scale. But when it comes to capacity to love, I think I'm more of a 5.5. I feel like my sexuality has evolved over the years - that it hasn't been stagnant - and that I was more attracted to guys (especially feminine guys) as a teen than I am as an adult. I think it's normal for sexuality to evolve over time, at least for some people. But then I wonder how much the slow shedding of internalized homophobia has had a role in that evolution.




I figured out I was a femme during a gender crisis in 2007. Though I still also think of myself and sometimes refer to myself as bigender, I have never put aside the femme identity since I finally came to own it.