Long Distance Relationships

[Glenn]

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

[girl_dee]

Do you think that the distance helps keep things alive? Someone mentioned one time on the forum, that every time she dates long distance the romance is alive, the fun never stops but when she moves into the real time, it kinda dies. The honeymoon is over so to speak.

I believe that to be true to a point. I feel the distance keeps the fantasy alive, well it has for me anyway. I can't do the distance for very long, I need to be in the here and now and learn what I am either spending my time wisely for or seeing if I am really wasting my time. The distance is good for covering up the hard cold facts on both sides, however unintentional.

[WolfyOne]

many years ago, I had to give up a LDR because neither of us would budge on moving
After a year, it was too much (not monetary) to travel every other weekend on a plane to visit
I'm not saying I wouldn't considerate it again
I just wouldn't want to invest my time and feelings if a compromise could not be made on where we'd live if we get serious

Once again, it goes back to communication
Live, but listen and learn

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Do you think that the distance helps keep things alive? Someone mentioned one time on the forum, that every time she dates long distance the romance is alive, the fun never stops but when she moves into the real time, it kinda dies. The honeymoon is over so to speak.

To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

Yup!.........

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Glenn

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.

[Mtn]

My intention was to rekindle the OP about what we do in LDR'S to make them thrive. Certainly many don't, and many don't want them for whatever reason, and that is totally cool. Some do thrive and turn into LTR's, again see the OP.

[Penelope]

You are right that some LDRs will fare better than others and some will not as 2 people in ANY relationship can be quite different. I personally believe this to be true about non-LDRs as well. LOL

There are things out there that help strengthen a LDR, or at least make it work until you are both at a point where a decision needs to be made (and only the two of you know what that timeline is). I do agree with what some of the others have said about going in to one with the same goal and being honest about your feelings on moving to be with each other.

I've been in several LDRs, a couple of them leading to a live-in situation eventually, and I think there are things you can do to enhance the experience while keeping a level head. It IS easy to get caught up in the emotions of a new relationship and rush in to something before you are both ready. It's much harder to take your time and really get to know one another.

I've spent countless hours on Skype because I feel it helps with communication more so than email, phone or text. It isn't perfect but it's nice to be able to see and talk to someone "in person". We watched a few tv shows/games at the same time but living in different states sometimes made that difficult (renting a movie would probably make more sense).

While it is important to include each other in the day to day normal stuff, you can overwhelm the person. Everyone needs down time and they would certainly be wanting and needing it if you lived together. Another good thing to keep in mind is that you both still need outside activities and friends (this will give you things to talk about if you have nightly conversations!).

I always cherished a good night phone call to tuck me in or a good morning text on the way to work. Those are the little things that help build your relationship when you can't be together. Equal time needs to be paid doing normal things when you are together. I was fortunate in my last LDR (we now live together) that we could visit one another somewhat regularly. We purposefully chose some weekends to not do anything special like go to an event or on a holiday, etc. so we could experience what it would be like to live together. If your ultimate goal is to do just that (and lots of communication should be taking place on it), then you need to see what it is like to live together in exciting times and boring ones, in good moments and bad.

The longer you are in a LDR, the more you both should be looking at options of who would move and why. The first time I moved was because his job was better but we hadn't been dating that long and it was too soon. We didn't know each other's quirks, I knew no one in my new state, and a multitude of other factors that did not weigh in our favor. I knew the second time around not to rush it and really take the time to get to know one another. I also knew that I wouldn't move until I found a job in my new location. Nothing spells disaster for a relationship quicker than money problems.

Being in the community and on the forums for years, I have seen SO many couples rush to take their LDR to the next level only to have it end a month or so later. All relationships take work, and a LDR just as much because you have to really work at being present with the other person even when you aren't. I learned a long time ago that open & honest communication is key but so is keeping your personal life out of the forums. This gives it a chance to develop on its own without other influences.

My advice to anyone in a LDR would be to take your time, enjoy the other person and what the relationship brings to your life. Have those fancy nights out on the town and the quiet evenings at home watching tv. Really get to know your mate - do they like to stay up late during the week and you have to get up early, do they eat fast food on the go when you want to cook a meal at home, how do they handle stresses from work... These are the things you two will have to deal with eventually and learning about deal breakers now could save you some heartache.

I would say I was a lucky one but only in that I found such a great guy. We have both worked and continue to work on our relationship every day. We took our time and dated for a couple years before I moved and I think that has benefited us greatly.

Originally Posted by Mtn

My intention was to rekindle the OP about what we do in LDR'S to make them thrive. Certainly many don't, and many don't want them for whatever reason, and that is totally cool. Some do thrive and turn into LTR's, again see the OP.

[Glenn]

Paisan; All I can say is LDR's can drive you mad like this..the whole" Does she care about seeing me as I do?" will drive you BONKERS. I had a LDR that lived in Cali and the whole distance thing brought out a bunch of insecurities, trust issues, priority issues, etc. THAT REALISTICALLY COULD NOT BE SOLVED. Bottom Line: One of you move or you will eventually break up. And if it's less than perfect the distance will kill it.

Originally Posted by Gemme

I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.

[StrongButch]

I was in one and its not for me I do have respect for those who can and are willing to do it I do not mind traveling 1 to 2 hours more than that not doing it If it gets serious and we are in love somebody gonna move Good luck to all of you