Building a Culture of Empathy

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

I guess I subscribe to the nature/nurture way of looking at things.

I think people have the amount of empathy they have, because of genetic, chemical or other physical elements (including the stuff you're talking about), but also because of how they were socialized and treated when they were infants and children.

That said, how do we go about Building a Culture of Empathy, as your thread is titled? it sounds like a wonderful goal, but I wouldn't know how to get it started.

This ..

I believe that if how we raise our sons changed then we'd have a bit of a less violent world. Teaching our male children differently to what they are being taught now would hopefully eliminate the hate culture towatds woman.

How we treat our young when they are in our care could change the balance.

[princessbelle]

I so agree with that as well....empathy depends on a huge amount of things. Some chemical some not.

If you took two totally diff people and subjected them to something very sad, to one it may be extremely unjust and affect them way different than the next one. Is that all chemically induced? Depends on how far you want to dissect it.

If you have a world where everyone was treated with hormones, the "right amount" of a feel good medication, you would have a world full of stepford people. Yuk.

Our experience, our cultures, the way we were raised, how we live our lives now and heck even how we feel that day depends on the level of empathy we bestow on our worlds....


IMO Empathy is a feeling that is subjective AND objective and it evolves at different times and with different degrees which is one of the primary ways we are all unique. Personally, I like it that way.

[aishah]

i think of empathy as a skill, personally. i believe some people are born with more of a predisposition to it than others (because of neurochemistry, etc.) and also that it's encouraged or discouraged by the environments we grow up in, so maybe some people are naturally more talented with it. but imho it is also something that can be learned and practiced. to me it's more than just a warm fuzzy emotional connection. the warm fuzzy emotional connection may happen because of a neurochemical reaction, and it may help us be empathetic and compassionate, but the neurochemistry alone doesn't teach us the skills we need to relate to other human beings with empathy and compassion.

the issue of how people react to difficult situations is also an issue of resilience. some people are more resilient than others. that's why some people cope better with trauma and stress. resilience is partly chemical and partly due to upbringing, but it can also be learned to some degree. and some aspects of resilience, like having a good support system, do require conscious action.

[nycfem]

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

Good point. I know I have an issue with bringing ALL my brain info to most situations. As the practical empathy pdf link revealed, being totally present and not bringing baggage into a therapeutic relationship is number 1 on that list of 7 requirements. You cannot effectively practice empathy if judging, measuring, being overwhelmed to the point of sympathizing.
This is something I know I need to be more mindful of. Thanks for your observation NYCfembbw. Loved your photo on the now closed thread btw. Your happy smile was the best part. You looked content.

[Prudence]

I think it comes down to left brain, right brain thinking. And I'm sure I will be sorry I made that statement.

[aishah]

Originally Posted by Prudence

I think it comes down to left brain, right brain thinking.

this is really interesting. i've always understood left brain/right brain thinking to be about reason or logic versus emotion or artistic mind.

i have a hard time with that because i don't really think of it as a dichotomy. i'm empathic and artistic but there are also many parts of me that are very type-a, logically-minded.

in dialectical behavior therapy, it's taught that empathy comes from wise mind (which is a balance of reason + emotion + intuition).

i would love to know more about how you see it because i had not really thought of it specifically in terms of left brain/right brain before.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

AMEN!!!!!!

[mariamma]

The first line in the mission statement invokes the principals of serotonergic search for well-being and connection to the Great Spirit/Source. A deeply spiritual practice based on Buddhist/Shamanic/Taoist traditions. Thank you for sharing my sis Licious.
Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

[aishah]

Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[*Anya*]

I read somewhere that for children to learn empathy, parents need to model it but also to teach it.

Encouraging your children to put themselves in another's shoes, to imagine how they would feel if something happened to them in the same way.

Conversely, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home but always could put myself in the shoes of another and have no idea how that happened. My parents never taught it or modeled it.

Perhaps some are born more sensitive and empathetic.

Another variation on the nature vs. nurture conundrum?

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

Thank you for sharing your experience Aishah. I think there are differences between I mean by well-being and happiness and what you are referring to.

YOU ARE RIGHT in that people in poverty share more than people who have abundant wealth. People in poverty share more percentage-wise than their 'richer' fellow American. People who SEE poverty, who live around poverty (for example in a gentrified area) share more than people in insulated communities but less (percentage-wise) than people who live in poverty.

This is probably the evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin. By sharing what we have, we all enjoy together or suffer together. Another evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin is sharing ideas, team building and a probably synergistic effect of 'better outcomes thru working together than working alone'.

When I refer to "well-being" and "Happiness" I am referring to the action of serotonin and something more akin to...a Buddhist's sense of well-being. In the moment, not wanting (dopamine = I want/crave) being at peace and at One.

I did state things in a way that it could seem that I believed there is no empathy in South Sudan or Syria. There is ALWAYS a significant minority that does the opposite of what the general population does. Left-handed people, LGBTIQ people are a few readily seen. There were Catholics who hid and supported Jews in Nazi Germany. There are always those who see 'what is right' and will act accordingly. They are the exception and not the rule.

And it's also my experience that people will act 1 way in public (like they are happy and at peace) yet it's an act. I am empathic and can feel the untruth of their feeling. It's disturbing and is why I actively do energy work. I'm tired of seeing and feeling people who act one way and emote another and the schizophrenic sensation it induces in said person. And then they wonder why they are unhappy or have no love in their lives. I tend to get many who 'confess' to me. They often will say things like "I practice random acts of kindness but I don't feel any happier". When I say "Acting happy and being happy are 2 different things" they often don't get it.

But this is the America we live in now. Truth is ignored because it's too inconvenient and honesty is seen as 'saving face'.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This ..

I believe that if how we raise our sons changed then we'd have a bit of a less violent world. Teaching our male children differently to what they are being taught now would hopefully eliminate the hate culture towatds woman.

How we treat our young when they are in our care could change the balance.

Yes, absolutely! Thanks for sharing.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This ..

I believe that if how we raise our sons changed then we'd have a bit of a less violent world. Teaching our male children differently to what they are being taught now would hopefully eliminate the hate culture towatds woman.

How we treat our young when they are in our care could change the balance.

agreed. and how we raise our daughters will contribute to the same balance change. a person with healthy boundaries and an understanding of their personal responsibility and authority has no need to bend others or allow others to bend them unnecessarily. a few generations of children who refused to consent to institutionalized hatred would be a powerful force, and an irrefutably brilliant one.

[Toughy]

I think understanding and practicing non-violent communication would go a long way towards creating an atmosphere of empathy.

Several years back, a group of us studied non-violent communication by using a book and workbook. It was eye opening for me and really helped me understand why and how I was thinking and communicating those thoughts. It is really useful in interpersonal relationships of all kinds.

The book/workbook came from this site: https://www.cnvc.org/ It's the Center for Non Violent Communication.

I need a refresher for sure.........lol

If you want to change your brain chemistry then you have to create new neural pathways to replace the old ones. That can be done many ways, but I think communication is a part of doing that. A change of attitude will also help. You want to encourage your brain to create happy chemicals rather than unhappy chemicals. You can control what you think and how you express it...it takes practice and time. And we should never forget the importance of exercise.

laughin.......damn I wish I was better at it...........

[Licious]

Originally Posted by Toughy

The book/workbook came from this site: https://www.cnvc.org/ It's the Center for Non Violent Communication.

I need a refresher for sure.........lol

...

I appreciate all the links posted earlier regarding hormones and am checking them all out. Great information.

Communication and words are powerful tools as well for creating empathy.

I studied with Marshall Rosenberg when he started up in the 80s, and lived here in Santa Barbara. *Founder of CNVC system of communication*

The communication method was an eye-opener.

We don't always realize how our own words, how we form sentences, and how we speak to others affects our own perception. Well, let me speak for myself, I didn't always realize.

Speaking in an empathetic way, non-attacking way, is good for fostering empathy.

I am not sure how communication styles alter brain chemistry or hormones, but plan to look into that.

And I need a refresher course as well. Tools get rusty if not employed.

Thanks for the reminder, I appreciate it.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by Licious

I appreciate all the links posted earlier regarding hormones and am checking them all out. Great information.

Communication and words are powerful tools as well for creating empathy.

I studied with Marshall Rosenberg when he started up in the 80s, and lived here in Santa Barbara. *Founder of CNVC system of communication*

The communication method was an eye-opener.

We don't always realize how our own words, how we form sentences, and how we speak to others affects our own perception. Well, let me speak for myself, I didn't always realize.

Speaking in an empathetic way, non-attacking way, is good for fostering empathy.

I am not sure how communication styles alter brain chemistry or hormones, but plan to look into that.

And I need a refresher course as well. Tools get rusty if not employed.

Thanks for the reminder, I appreciate it.

Thank you for the above in particular, Licious!