Building a Culture of Empathy

[nycfem]

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

Good point. I know I have an issue with bringing ALL my brain info to most situations. As the practical empathy pdf link revealed, being totally present and not bringing baggage into a therapeutic relationship is number 1 on that list of 7 requirements. You cannot effectively practice empathy if judging, measuring, being overwhelmed to the point of sympathizing.
This is something I know I need to be more mindful of. Thanks for your observation NYCfembbw. Loved your photo on the now closed thread btw. Your happy smile was the best part. You looked content.

[Prudence]

I think it comes down to left brain, right brain thinking. And I'm sure I will be sorry I made that statement.

[aishah]

Originally Posted by Prudence

I think it comes down to left brain, right brain thinking.

this is really interesting. i've always understood left brain/right brain thinking to be about reason or logic versus emotion or artistic mind.

i have a hard time with that because i don't really think of it as a dichotomy. i'm empathic and artistic but there are also many parts of me that are very type-a, logically-minded.

in dialectical behavior therapy, it's taught that empathy comes from wise mind (which is a balance of reason + emotion + intuition).

i would love to know more about how you see it because i had not really thought of it specifically in terms of left brain/right brain before.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

On a micro level, how do we build a culture of empathy here on BFP?

One thought I have is that it is important when we post that we think that any member could be reading the post and how will they feel after reading it if they are, for example,

400 pounds
Chinese
Muslim
homeless
elderly
a parent of a differently abled child

etc. etc.

In other words, I think it's important to have empathy for every single member of our site by not assuming that everyone is like us and showing sensitivity towards readers we don't know anything about every time we post. This goes for posting a joke, a rant, or making a statement to all (i.e. considering whether it really fits "all").

AMEN!!!!!!

[mariamma]

The first line in the mission statement invokes the principals of serotonergic search for well-being and connection to the Great Spirit/Source. A deeply spiritual practice based on Buddhist/Shamanic/Taoist traditions. Thank you for sharing my sis Licious.
Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

[aishah]

Of course one cannot have empathy without well-being and happiness and a world that supports well-being and happiness. You can work empathy with grace and skill but if you live in South Sudan or Syria right now, it won't be your reality.

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[*Anya*]

I read somewhere that for children to learn empathy, parents need to model it but also to teach it.

Encouraging your children to put themselves in another's shoes, to imagine how they would feel if something happened to them in the same way.

Conversely, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home but always could put myself in the shoes of another and have no idea how that happened. My parents never taught it or modeled it.

Perhaps some are born more sensitive and empathetic.

Another variation on the nature vs. nurture conundrum?

[nycfem]

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I read somewhere that for children to learn empathy, parents need to model it but also to teach it.

Encouraging your children to put themselves in another's shoes, to imagine how they would feel if something happened to them in the same way.

Conversely, I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home but always could put myself in the shoes of another and have no idea how that happened. My parents never taught it or modeled it.

Perhaps some are born more sensitive and empathetic.

Another variation on the nature vs. nurture conundrum?

[NorCalStud]

The idea that if we were to all express the emotions we feel at the time we feel them or as soon as we can at least acknowledge them...That we are ready and clear to feel empathy and create empathetic environments. We are born cooperative. We get hurt. We are not always supported to deal with pain. We walk through life with this pain. I think as we clear our own trauma; we become available.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

I believe it had to have been my maternal grandmother. Until I was 10 I did spend a lot of time with her on the weekends. She was loving and caring to me.

My mon would have been different had my grandmother raised her but she was thrown out of her orthodox Jewish family for getting pregnant with my mom out-of-wedlock as they called it and her father was a rabbi. She boarded my mom with a very strict, abusive family and my mom was the scapegoat of the other foster kids.

So yes, I guess I learned empathy from my grandmother.

Thanks Nannie. She died at age 95. I still miss her.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by nycfembbw

Did you have anyone with whom you had meaningful contact while young (a teacher, a neighbor, a relative, a sitter, etc.) that may have fostered empathy in you? I have read that can be a saving grace for kids in homes where empathy is not there to be learned. My own mom was abused and dissociative/fractured, while my dad was abusive. I did have a sitter who made a huge difference to me. Now she is my mom's best friend (After my dad left my mom, unfortunately this was when I had already grown up, my mom became so much more stabilized.).

Children are resilient. There's an old longitudinal study and book, Children of the Island State? that discusses this. The resilient kids had a mentor, a teacher, one person who showed compassion and strove to understand the kid where s/he was. In the study, they were the ones who overcame their abusive histories and excelled in life.

There are always exceptions to the rule, always a minority that will do the opposite.

[Nomad]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

[mariamma]

Originally Posted by aishah

i disagree. i grew up in a situation where most people did not have well-being and happiness (by american standards - well below the poverty line, very little access to resources and a lot of violence) and there was still empathy. people took care of each other, understood each other, and looked out for each other much better than they did when i lived in places where there was a higher rate of well-being and happiness. i certainly don't feel empathy as often in my relationships where i live now, where most people have much more money and time. it's been my experience, and i've read some things, about how communities tend to come together and support each other more through poverty and conflict. i can't dig up any specific articles right now b/c i'm on my way to the doctor, but i'll try to post some later. i think victor frankl may have written about this a bit in man's search for meaning.

Thank you for sharing your experience Aishah. I think there are differences between I mean by well-being and happiness and what you are referring to.

YOU ARE RIGHT in that people in poverty share more than people who have abundant wealth. People in poverty share more percentage-wise than their 'richer' fellow American. People who SEE poverty, who live around poverty (for example in a gentrified area) share more than people in insulated communities but less (percentage-wise) than people who live in poverty.

This is probably the evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin. By sharing what we have, we all enjoy together or suffer together. Another evolutionary benefit of empathy and oxytocin is sharing ideas, team building and a probably synergistic effect of 'better outcomes thru working together than working alone'.

When I refer to "well-being" and "Happiness" I am referring to the action of serotonin and something more akin to...a Buddhist's sense of well-being. In the moment, not wanting (dopamine = I want/crave) being at peace and at One.

I did state things in a way that it could seem that I believed there is no empathy in South Sudan or Syria. There is ALWAYS a significant minority that does the opposite of what the general population does. Left-handed people, LGBTIQ people are a few readily seen. There were Catholics who hid and supported Jews in Nazi Germany. There are always those who see 'what is right' and will act accordingly. They are the exception and not the rule.

And it's also my experience that people will act 1 way in public (like they are happy and at peace) yet it's an act. I am empathic and can feel the untruth of their feeling. It's disturbing and is why I actively do energy work. I'm tired of seeing and feeling people who act one way and emote another and the schizophrenic sensation it induces in said person. And then they wonder why they are unhappy or have no love in their lives. I tend to get many who 'confess' to me. They often will say things like "I practice random acts of kindness but I don't feel any happier". When I say "Acting happy and being happy are 2 different things" they often don't get it.

But this is the America we live in now. Truth is ignored because it's too inconvenient and honesty is seen as 'saving face'.

[aishah]

i think my discomfort is with the idea that one can make blanket statements about empathy in a society.

i have friends who are from syria and have relatives there. thinking of what they've told me, and talking with people who've lived there (or in other areas with a lot of conflict and poverty such as palestine), i am not sure i could see them saying the same thing about empathy being the exception rather than the rule. i don't want to speak for them, but i do want to challenge the idea that one can make blanket statements about people doing what is good/right/moral or practicing empathy in a society.

if your definition of happiness and well-being has to do with serotonin and being "at peace" or in the buddhist sense, having equanimity, i don't understand how the prevalence of that in the united states is any different than in syria or south sudan.