This side of Heaven

Sweet Bliss · 05-27-2013, 05:49 AM

One of the many reasons i come to this site is because like many people i crave human connection. It's a place where i can share my poetry, my enjoyment of erotica, compare notes with other folks, connect with people who share my interests, offer advice or insight with my limited understanding. And maybe meet someone who would like to be my better half. It has been an exercise in futility for me. Instead i spend too much time avoiding living my life and my responsibility to my self. Expecting to find answers to questions in each post i make or read seems rather silly now...

This current health issue has really knocked me on my ass this time. Perhaps it is a blessing that i don't have a partner as i face this challenge. It would be an even worse situation if someone was here today, loving me, and facing the possibility of a worse case scenario. It is better that i am alone at this point in my life. It amazes me how much i have had to deal with in the last several years, and how i have continued to keep laughing and pushing forward, believing that just around the corner things will smooth out, things will get better, i will find my Sparky (that's right, there was never a Sparky, and still isn't a Sparky) to share my life with, through thick and thin, rich or poor, just like in the movies. Being part of the Mass Media Generation has it's drawbacks, and the biggest one is how it fuels our fantasy that the perfect " (fill in the blank) " is ours for the asking or wishing or even worse, that we are entitled to having it all. It keeps us from enjoying the moment in our hands, which is really all there is. this moment.. right now. There are moments of great clarity at times when the "living in the moment" understanding hits me in the solar plexus and i snap awake for a few minutes and revel in the bliss of really feeling alive and connected to the Universe and everything in it.... but holding on is something else again......... it slips away as quickly as it came.

There are several folks i have met here that i would not trade for anything. Their total support of me and compassion and understanding have kept me going more times than i can count. I would name drop but i don't want to embarrass anyone, you know who you are.

I need a break, don't know what kind of break, what it looks like, or how it sounds or acts, i just know i need a break. So I'm going to spend some quality time with myself and see if i can allow it to happen naturally instead of forcing it like i usually do. I'm feeling raw, skinless and without shelter from the approaching storm. Time to sit on the bare ground and listen to the beating heart of my mother.

To those of you who enjoy reading my marathon posts, thanks for your lovely words of support. You touched my heart profoundly.

I wrote this 3 years ago.... and nothing has changed since then. Today is the first anniversary of my heart attack and on June 1st the anniversary of my quadruple bypass. I'm in the same place. Broken heart, real and imaginary. Without human companionship, homeless, drifting in a sea of indifference and apathy. Struggling to move, put the next foot foward, plaster a fake smile on my face, be perky for the cameras. I'm so exhausted from being the emotional punching bag I have become. I feel like I can no longer fight back or flee the position I have put myself in. My reserves are tapped. I have reached out again and again. Am not doing it again until my reserve tanks are full. Now I have an understanding of how Moses might have felt searching for the Promised Land for 40 years. I've been doing the same thing. At 16 full of hope and joy looking towards what might be, to today.

Sweet Bliss · 05-29-2013, 04:38 PM

07 cancer scare
08 retired, lost mother
09 16 y ltr ended, lost aunt, blood clot
10 another cancer scare
11 moved, left, came back
12 heart attack, surgery
13 cancer scare. ya. today.

Sweet Bliss · 07-08-2013, 10:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

07 cancer scare
08 retired, lost mother
09 16 y ltr ended, lost aunt, blood clot
10 another cancer scare
11 moved, left, came back
12 heart attack, surgery
13 cancer scare. ya. today.

July 5th, 2013... a cyst they say ... come back in six months.

Sweet Bliss · 07-08-2013, 10:38 PM

My Mother's house was always clean, something cooking, or baking, and every six months the smell of her secret wood conditioner. Yes, I have the recipe now.

I love a clean comfy home. Fresh fruit or flowers, garlic garland hanging in the kitchen window over the sink. A soft cat purring on an antique quilt as I

sip a cup of ginger tea. My sketch book on my lap, pages filled with notes, ideas, drawings of future clay projects.v

Sweet Bliss · 07-08-2013, 11:05 PM

My Mother's house was always clean, something cooking, or baking, and every six months the smell of her secret wood conditioner. Yes, I have the recipe now.

I love a clean comfy home. Fresh fruit or flowers, garlic garland hanging in the kitchen window over the sink. A soft cat purring on an antique quilt as I sip a cup of ginger tea. My sketch book on my lap, pages filled with notes, ideas, drawings of future clay projects.

Today I shampooed two large area rugs, wool with lovely floral designs. I wrestled a seven foot couch outside, it's old unclean, filled with odors accumulated from decades of living in a family room. It's past it's prime. I know, don't tell my surgeon. I vaccumed the cat hair covered fluffy chairs, moved them into the den. Moved the 50's bamboo end table between them so there is a place for resting a coffee mug in the morning.

Took down the tacky ruffled curtains, replaced them, it's starting to look like a human being lives here, I thought to myself.

She wept over the old couch. I helped drag it back into the living room. Don't tell my surgeon, he will be angry at me for straining my chest muscles again.

A clean comfy home, doesn't everyone want one?

Guess not. I'm being egocentric again. Is there an app for that?

I love a clean comfy home. Fresh air, flowers and fruit, something baking, ginger tea ....

Sweet Bliss · 08-17-2013, 09:29 PM

Well, it's not working. I've done everything I know how to do. Prayed, asked forgiveness, meditated, cried, written letters, poetry, stories, dreamed a way out, a way back.

Focused on moving out of my fantasy, hoped for best, expected nothing.

And that's just what happened. Nothing.

So I surrender to a power greater than myself.

Love.

MysticOceansFL · 08-17-2013, 11:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sweet Bliss

Well, it's not working. I've done everything I know how to do. Prayed, asked forgiveness, meditated, cried, written letters, poetry, stories, dreamed a way out, a way back.

Focused on moving out of my fantasy, hoped for best, expected nothing.

And that's just what happened. Nothing.

So I surrender to a power greater than myself.

Love.

People see the beauty in you!!!!!!

Sweet Bliss · 08-22-2013, 08:24 PM

I have been doing some soul searching lately. Although the Epiphany Fairy has been sitting on my head pointing things out to me, with gales of laughter, it's been at times pretty painful. It occurred to me the reason for discord and missed opportunity in my relationships is my beliefs, expectations, desire, and seeing failings in others that are simply reflections of my failures. I can only recognize many of my issues when someone else is brave enough to show them to me.

Thank you, I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you, .....

05-29-2013, 04:38 PM	#2
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Happy Anti versary 07 cancer scare 08 retired, lost mother 09 16 y ltr ended, lost aunt, blood clot 10 another cancer scare 11 moved, left, came back 12 heart attack, surgery 13 cancer scare. ya. today.

07-08-2013, 10:38 PM	#4
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	D Day My Mother's house was always clean, something cooking, or baking, and every six months the smell of her secret wood conditioner. Yes, I have the recipe now. I love a clean comfy home. Fresh fruit or flowers, garlic garland hanging in the kitchen window over the sink. A soft cat purring on an antique quilt as I sip a cup of ginger tea. My sketch book on my lap, pages filled with notes, ideas, drawings of future clay projects.v

07-08-2013, 11:05 PM	#5
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	D Day My Mother's house was always clean, something cooking, or baking, and every six months the smell of her secret wood conditioner. Yes, I have the recipe now. I love a clean comfy home. Fresh fruit or flowers, garlic garland hanging in the kitchen window over the sink. A soft cat purring on an antique quilt as I sip a cup of ginger tea. My sketch book on my lap, pages filled with notes, ideas, drawings of future clay projects. Today I shampooed two large area rugs, wool with lovely floral designs. I wrestled a seven foot couch outside, it's old unclean, filled with odors accumulated from decades of living in a family room. It's past it's prime. I know, don't tell my surgeon. I vaccumed the cat hair covered fluffy chairs, moved them into the den. Moved the 50's bamboo end table between them so there is a place for resting a coffee mug in the morning. Took down the tacky ruffled curtains, replaced them, it's starting to look like a human being lives here, I thought to myself. She wept over the old couch. I helped drag it back into the living room. Don't tell my surgeon, he will be angry at me for straining my chest muscles again. A clean comfy home, doesn't everyone want one? Guess not. I'm being egocentric again. Is there an app for that? I love a clean comfy home. Fresh air, flowers and fruit, something baking, ginger tea ....

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Switch to Linear Mode Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

05-27-2013, 05:49 AM	#1
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	One of the many reasons i come to this site is because like many people i crave human connection. It's a place where i can share my poetry, my enjoyment of erotica, compare notes with other folks, connect with people who share my interests, offer advice or insight with my limited understanding. And maybe meet someone who would like to be my better half. It has been an exercise in futility for me. Instead i spend too much time avoiding living my life and my responsibility to my self. Expecting to find answers to questions in each post i make or read seems rather silly now... This current health issue has really knocked me on my ass this time. Perhaps it is a blessing that i don't have a partner as i face this challenge. It would be an even worse situation if someone was here today, loving me, and facing the possibility of a worse case scenario. It is better that i am alone at this point in my life. It amazes me how much i have had to deal with in the last several years, and how i have continued to keep laughing and pushing forward, believing that just around the corner things will smooth out, things will get better, i will find my Sparky (that's right, there was never a Sparky, and still isn't a Sparky) to share my life with, through thick and thin, rich or poor, just like in the movies. Being part of the Mass Media Generation has it's drawbacks, and the biggest one is how it fuels our fantasy that the perfect " (fill in the blank) " is ours for the asking or wishing or even worse, that we are entitled to having it all. It keeps us from enjoying the moment in our hands, which is really all there is. this moment.. right now. There are moments of great clarity at times when the "living in the moment" understanding hits me in the solar plexus and i snap awake for a few minutes and revel in the bliss of really feeling alive and connected to the Universe and everything in it.... but holding on is something else again......... it slips away as quickly as it came. There are several folks i have met here that i would not trade for anything. Their total support of me and compassion and understanding have kept me going more times than i can count. I would name drop but i don't want to embarrass anyone, you know who you are. I need a break, don't know what kind of break, what it looks like, or how it sounds or acts, i just know i need a break. So I'm going to spend some quality time with myself and see if i can allow it to happen naturally instead of forcing it like i usually do. I'm feeling raw, skinless and without shelter from the approaching storm. Time to sit on the bare ground and listen to the beating heart of my mother. To those of you who enjoy reading my marathon posts, thanks for your lovely words of support. You touched my heart profoundly. I wrote this 3 years ago.... and nothing has changed since then. Today is the first anniversary of my heart attack and on June 1st the anniversary of my quadruple bypass. I'm in the same place. Broken heart, real and imaginary. Without human companionship, homeless, drifting in a sea of indifference and apathy. Struggling to move, put the next foot foward, plaster a fake smile on my face, be perky for the cameras. I'm so exhausted from being the emotional punching bag I have become. I feel like I can no longer fight back or flee the position I have put myself in. My reserves are tapped. I have reached out again and again. Am not doing it again until my reserve tanks are full. Now I have an understanding of how Moses might have felt searching for the Promised Land for 40 years. I've been doing the same thing. At 16 full of hope and joy looking towards what might be, to today.

08-17-2013, 09:29 PM	#6
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Well, it's not working. I've done everything I know how to do. Prayed, asked forgiveness, meditated, cried, written letters, poetry, stories, dreamed a way out, a way back. Focused on moving out of my fantasy, hoped for best, expected nothing. And that's just what happened. Nothing. So I surrender to a power greater than myself. Love.

08-22-2013, 08:24 PM	#8
Sweet Bliss Senior Member How Do You Identify?: I Am Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: the Beach, Pacific side Posts: 4,160 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,354 Thanked 7,268 Times in 2,159 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I have been doing some soul searching lately. Although the Epiphany Fairy has been sitting on my head pointing things out to me, with gales of laughter, it's been at times pretty painful. It occurred to me the reason for discord and missed opportunity in my relationships is my beliefs, expectations, desire, and seeing failings in others that are simply reflections of my failures. I can only recognize many of my issues when someone else is brave enough to show them to me. Thank you, I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you, .....