Is Marriage for you?

[Angeltoes]

I just think that people who haven't been married before sometimes underestimate the legal repercussions that can happen if by chance it doesn't work out. Marriage is something that's easy to get into and can be incredibly difficult to get out of. That's not always true, but if your ex-partner is inclined they can make your life a living hell.

[gotoseagrl]

I think the people who haven't been married, especially after so long, have waited for a reason and are well aware of the risks. On the other hand, people who jump into marriage might be the ones underestimating the consequences, or ignoring them. Situations gone wrong is why people should be careful who they choose to go all that way with. I think it's as simple as that, being careful.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Angeltoes

I just think that people who haven't been married before sometimes underestimate the legal repercussions that can happen if by chance it doesn't work out. Marriage is something that's easy to get into and can be incredibly difficult to get out of. That's not always true, but if your ex-partner is inclined they can make your life a living hell.

This is one of the exact reasons I won't get married, if it breaks up for some reason you have to get an attorney, go through all the crap, pay a ton of money, etc. So therefore, no marriage for me, I ain't paying for some divorce just because my partner gets pissed off over something petty and decides its over, instead of working it out, which I see ALOT of married couples not do.

[Nattih]

I'm happy it's hard to get out of and that there are major repercussions. To me that's one of the excellent points of it all.

[imperfect_cupcake]

My divorce was very clean, cost very little (about 300 euros, as much as the wedding licence) and easy with one solicitor between us. We didn't fight. There was no point. I was due seven years of alimony due to the circumstances and what my ex did. I refused it. I can make my own money.

I know if three people who moved in with their beloved but not married - they didn't believe in it. Only to have their partners clean out the account and do a midnight move. Or steal very valuable items and move fuck off with a close mate.

You don't need to be married to have someone wreck your life. It's very easy to have someone remove everything from your home while you are at work if you have a key.

In BC, if you live with someone two years less one day, they are entitled to everything a spouse would be entitled to in a divorce or death. The civil ceremony doesn't give you more rights or obligations.

You move in with someone for two years? You are as legally responsible as if you were married.

[C0LLETTE]

It's a business deal so write up a good contract ( legally binding co-habitation agreement ), read the fine print, make sure the children like you more.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by C0LLETTE

It's a business deal so write up a good contract ( legally binding co-habitation agreement ), read the fine print, make sure the children like you more.

Lol, you crack me up but this sounds wonderful. Especially the children liking you more.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

My divorce was very clean, cost very little (about 300 euros, as much as the wedding licence) and easy with one solicitor between us. We didn't fight. There was no point. I was due seven years of alimony due to the circumstances and what my ex did. I refused it. I can make my own money.

I know if three people who moved in with their beloved but not married - they didn't believe in it. Only to have their partners clean out the account and do a midnight move. Or steal very valuable items and move fuck off with a close mate.

You don't need to be married to have someone wreck your life. It's very easy to have someone remove everything from your home while you are at work if you have a key.

In BC, if you live with someone two years less one day, they are entitled to everything a spouse would be entitled to in a divorce or death. The civil ceremony doesn't give you more rights or obligations.

You move in with someone for two years? You are as legally responsible as if you were married.

Its different in the states. Divorces are not generally as cheap as yours and can carry on for years.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Its different in the states. Divorces are not generally as cheap as yours and can carry on for years.

To be fair, it really depends on the people involved. I know of people who did it by just filing papers online for a few hundred dollars. They went their separate ways cleanly the way ICC did.

Others, who even had money, child support, and property involved may have used lawyers, but still did it quick and easy. A meeting or two between their lawyers and that was it. People have the option to make their own agreement, or simply follow the monetary "formula" (alimony, child support, etc), stated by the State that you live in (for my state you can find it on our government web site).

I don't profess to know how different it is state to state and maybe it is a longer process in some states (including yours, JDeere), but I really think it is only if people don't agree. Yes, it CAN carry on for years with lots and lots of heartbreak, but it depends on the people and if they do not want to follow what your state suggests or can't come up with their own agreement of terms.

ICC, that is scary as hell that people just co-habitating can have legally binding issues. No wonder living with someone is not an option for you! Hell!

(Also, ICC, how about you give us initials to use for your name? I don't know what you like and I still want to call you HB!)

[MsTinkerbelly]

I was divorced from my daughter's father after 10 years of marriage, 8 living together and 2 more so he could claim 1/2 my social security should he not remarry. In California, if there are children involved you have to go to a class on the effect your divorce will have on the family...I picked him up and we went together. We both had Lawyers do our paperwork, because we wanted it done right...neither one of us asked for spousal support, and I refused child support with the exception of he kept her on his medical insurance until she was 15 and he could no longer work.

NEVER in the time we have been apart did I ever say one negative word about her father, and to his credit I never heard anything bad from him...heck, I even used to send money with her for food and activities when she spent her visitation time with him. I still have a deep respect and love for the man who fathered my child, but he wasn't female and I couldn't live that lie any longer.

Even with all of this sunshine and roses, I grieved the end of a marriage I swore I would be in until death do us part. Marriage is not a decision to be made lightly, and if it takes years to make sure you are doing the right thing, then take years...no judging here.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

To be fair, it really depends on the people involved. I know of people who did it by just filing papers online for a few hundred dollars. They went their separate ways cleanly the way ICC did.

Others, who even had money, child support, and property involved may have used lawyers, but still did it quick and easy. A meeting or two between their lawyers and that was it. People have the option to make their own agreement, or simply follow the monetary "formula" (alimony, child support, etc), stated by the State that you live in (for my state you can find it on our government web site).

I don't profess to know how different it is state to state and maybe it is a longer process in some states (including yours, JDeere), but I really think it is only if people don't agree. Yes, it CAN carry on for years with lots and lots of heartbreak, but it depends on the people and if they do not want to follow what your state suggests or can't come up with their own agreement of terms.

ICC, that is scary as hell that people just co-habitating can have legally binding issues. No wonder living with someone is not an option for you! Hell!

(Also, ICC, how about you give us initials to use for your name? I don't know what you like and I still want to call you HB!)

Imp is fine. Or IC. Or ICC. Or titsalina. Lol I don't care, I know who you are referring to.

And yes, I could have made our divorce last years. That was my point. So thanks. You can be quick and easy or it can be costly, hurtful (more hurtful than it already is. I didn't believe in divorce for myself so it felt like getting a layer of skin peeled off. I'm of the same opinion as Tinkerbelly). And it depends on if the people involved are angry, self-righteous, other blaming, vindictive arses. Yes, my exwife did something cruel and broke her promises. But she also wasn't mentally healthy and I believed her decisions were made in a depressive spiral. Hurting her more wouldn't have "taught" her anything. She is her own chaos, her own storm. And I certainly wasn't innocent. I wasn't peaches and cream to live with.


And I think the legally binding thing with cohabitation is good. So many people don't believe in civil marriage but shack up and have kids and spend money together on places, it's the easiest way to make it fair. A long time ago, back in the 1500s, in many places in Europe, that's how marriage worked anyway. You said "you wanna be my wife?" They said "yup" and they moved in. No ceremony needed. That was for the farmers and land workers and lower guilds. If you had money/title, then the person got chosen for you and there were witnesses and probably a church person there.

Modern marriage didn't happen till mid 16th century. When Henry had his fit, along wth John Calvin and Luther and invented prodestantism and the whole anti Catholic thing started.

Then *everyone* had to have a ceremony, it had to be by the prodistant church or a church official, and you had to pay for it. So prodestant ministers that liked a bit of tipple married poor people in pubs for much less money and still signed the paper for you.

Anyway. Yeah, personally think those that live together, have kids and make investments together should be recognized equal to married and with equal obligations. Seen too many of my friends get screwed with long term cohabitation and no rights, someone just empties the house and fucks off and leaves a kid. Or kicks them out. They aren't married. You paid into their mortgage for six years.

I think it's a good idea.

When my mom had a domestic partnership through cohabitation, they both drew up legal documents stating neither one had rights to the others house or accounts - so basically a cohabitation prenup. Which was very good idea because when he died, his kids wanted half my mom's house as well as his.

So. It's always good to put it on paper. Your partner may not be an arse, but if there is no will , maybe their kin are.

[Angeltoes]

I wasn't only thinking in terms of money, but there's that too. Consider that divorce can impact your social security benefits and you can be required to continue paying on bills you never asked for. Sometimes a spouse can lay claim to things that have sentimental value to you even if they have no real monetary value.

I'm not totally down on marriage. It's just that, at this stage, I'm interested in (someday) finding the right relationship. I don't even have that part figured out. I have been married and in a few committed relationships, but not one of those relationships was worthy of the vows. I don't believe you can get married and then force things to work out. Couples shouldn't ignore the little problems that arise now and then, because once you're married they may turn into big problems. You need to have enough compatibility to carry you through a lifetime and that's not easy to see when you're in the middle of a relationship. I agree with the comment above about taking your time. Marriage works for some people. It's just not a goal for me. I just want someone to cuddle up and watch Netflix with. I'd rather spend the money on a vacation than a wedding.