Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

I'm really happy this thread exists. It has made me think a lot.

The biggest issue that I suffer through is pedestal syndrome (I totally made that name up, it probably has a real one). All my life I have been "the good one". I was the one who got excellent grades, I was the one all the adults dotted on as having excellent manners, the one who helped around the house and caused no trouble. I took that identity into adulthood and into my relationships, which has shown itself to be really unhealthy for my self identity. Most of my past partners have discovered that this was my "button" and noted how perfect they thought I was and how I would never do "XYZ" like anyone else due to my "perfection" or how they would not be able to handle it if I "did something wrong because I never act like others".

I now realize that this is a manipulation tactic, first installed by my mother, then discovered by significant others and even friends. Though I am consciously aware of it now, I still struggle with the idea that I must be perfect in order to be deserving of love and affection. I am on the dating market, so I automatically assume I get passed over due to imperfections that I must correct before I am able to be good enough for anyone to not pass over.

This post was too long and rambly, so I apologize if it makes little sense, lol.

IT makes sense. I have different ones, for different reasons but the result was the same. I Was very codependent for a long time and thought for anyone to *stay* in the relationship I thought I had to make myself invaluable to their personal functioning. So I got people who needed me, usually addicts.

I no longer want anyone who needs me. The idea actually repulses me. I want people who can function just fine in their own life and don't need me at all. But they love my company. I prefer the idea of spoiling each other from time to time than being a linked team in order to make it through our days. I want sex, friendship and companionship, not co-functioning a household or looking after people. I can very easily look after myself if I have the flu. I've looked after myself with a pretty severe concussion. I don't *need* someone because the rest of my life has good support in it, I know how say no and mean it (and do it), I understand the point of healthy boundaries, I know my limits and respect them. Being guilted or pressured makes me angry now, not cave in.

I do love spoiling people. Not care taking. I want to adore my partner, be adored. Not needed. I find most people find my assertions to be romantically offensive.