Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

[Nattih]

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning

[imperfect_cupcake]

Like in the opening post, *most* (tho not all) people who desire LAT are 40+ and are not starting families. Most have been married once or have had at least one very long term committed live in relationship already. Many whom have kids, those kids are adults now or are at least past the point of baby sitter, and not looking for another parent for their kid.

Most people I know in their 20s and early 30s want to live with a partner. Most LATs that I personally know of are 40+, or they are 30+, don't want kids, and after trying to live with people romantically they find it doesn't work for them.

Living apart, together. Not living together with seperate personal space rooms. You still have most of the same issues LATs don't wish to deal with anymore.

So, back on topic...

If you do have an LAT, what things have you modified to help others take your relationship seriously? Public ceremony? Rings?

Or are you past giving a toss about what others may think although it's semi regularly annoying to explain.

What things about LAT that you are really happy and relieved abut that you think makes this kind of relationship more successful than previous ones with shared living?

[betruetoyoursoul]

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by betruetoyoursoul

....My preference is living together based on the past...I loved the every day sharing , cuddling, being flirty and silly in the kitchen together ...though we had natural private times in the house as well...There is room enough when we could just be doing our own thing yet in the same dwelling....I have done both....Whatever works for people*S is the important thing....

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Here is a new film, a documentary, being made by a friend of a friend.
It's called "Apartners" which I believe is also a new term for it. She says on her film site that 25% of all couples in North America have their own room (common) and that 10% of all couples in North America prefer to live apart (that's the old gayer stats no? Maybe more will come out!)

Anyway, here's a link to her film website

http://apartnersthemovie.com/HOME.html

[C0LLETTE]

I wonder how many "apartners" have children, particularly young ones.

Living apart is sometimes a choice for those with children because they realise how difficult or disruptive introducing an "outsider" (with or without their own children ) can be...so they choose to wait.

Also, I have found that partners without children of their own often have difficulty finding their place in such a "family" . My own experience is that successful "step parenting" is a very particular and somewhat rare skill and can be far more difficult than parenting. and the introduction of the new partner often leads to the parent finding themselves in the middle of an unhappy series of conflicts which they sometimes resolve by splitting up or simply living apartnered till the children are no longer dependants.

Without generalising too too much:

When you're Young there can be many choices: if not this one, maybe the next one...you don't have that much stuff to move anyway.

In the Middle there can be many complexities and you better hope you've figured out who you are and, equally, who that other person is...particularly if you have responsibilities beyond yourself; or one day you lost your mind and opened a joint bank account, and, more importantly, you lost the allen key for your Ikea furniture.

In the Older Years, you are far better off partnering up even if it isn't made in Heaven cause there's nothing worse than lying on the kitchen floor just out of reach of your Panic Bracelet with your hungry Chihuahua starting to chew your leg off.

Personally, I'd pick a live-in partner with a sense of humour over the kids any day.

Mommy's joking, Honey xoxoxoxoxoxo

[easygoingfemme]

My last relationship was like this. We were together for three years. Living in different towns, each of us with our kids at home. We shared a house most weekends, and went our own way during the week. In many ways, it worked for us- like each of us liking/needing to have our own space for our own personalities, too many kids to merge and no desire to uproot them either, and in other ways it was hard. We didn't live close enough to each other to be able to meet up mid-week or something if one of us was in need- having a hard time. That kind of thing.

[girlin2une]

I have always made my kids priority while considering dating, because they are just that... my priority.
That being said, I am open to what the universe has for me... if that means a long distance relationship, then so be it. I am pretty flexible. I am femme () I would want to co-habitate (when/if the time came). It would be more consistent for any child involved, thus giving everyone involved more stability.
My children will always be part of the package and my potential partner will have to accept it. Hopefully a potential partner will want to incorporate parenting into the mix... because its not always easy being a single parent.

this has been a bit of a ramble... my thoughts were all over the place.

[betruetoyoursoul]

.... My humble apologies...

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

[MysticOceansFL]

I prefer living with my partner but while your dating rather it be the same town or Ldr's living apart is fine but at some point both people will want to take it to the next level at some point and living together just seems natural too me.

[Gráinne]

I definitely fit 40+, kids almost grown stage and will only consider a LAT. For one thing, I travel a lot, prefer to travel alone, and so from my partner's perspective, it would be like a LAT even if we did live together.

I love having my home reflect who I am, and don't want to "blend".

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

One advantage to getting older is that you just don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about your relationship, so I (if I were in one) wouldn't care what it looks like, booty call or not. What someone else thinks of me is none of my business.

As for the scenario of injuring myself far from a phone, there are little necklaces with a panic button on them that alerts 911.

As a side note, what interests me on a sociological level is how quickly lesbian or gay couples move in together vs. heterosexual couples. I know there are a lot of variables, but while I personally don't know of many unmarried yet committed heterosexual couples who live together, it seems to be a "goal" for many in same-sex relationships.

[nycfem]

Hi folks, this is a support thread for LATs and those that are interested, not a place for people to post that they don't want LAT. We will be changing the title of the thread so that it is more clear.

Jennifer, Mod

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Gráinne

...

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

....

I've used similar examples when explaining why I prefer to live alone, but mine include: if I want to drink a pot of coffee at 2am, I can, and I don't have to explain it or defend it to anyone. If I want to eat toast for dinner, I don't have to worry about, or be involved in whatever the other person is going to eat. If I want to turn on the air conditioner when it's 60 degrees outside, I can. Essentially, I want my living space to be my own, and I don't want to have to justify simple actions (like drinking an entire pot of coffee) to anyone, or compromise on having the curtains open or closed, or having a pet or not, or eating breakfast or not, etc. etc. etc. etc..

I enjoy my own company, and I'm extremely self-sufficient, so I'm sure that factors into it. Most people don't get it. Most of us are socialized to find a partner, get married, live together, have kids, etc. I've not big on following social norms, so I'm sure that factors into it as well.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

Thanks.

If you are interested in HAVING or HAVE an LAT, please join in.

If y u aren't, this thread will be swamped with the majority of non-LAT telling me their opinions on LAT and how it could never work for them. I didn't ask for people's opinions on LAT, I'm asking, very clearly for those interested to please chime in.

I'm just trying to find some like minded folk around LATs. thank you very much for understanding.

I'm totally ready for a new LTR, and though I've had a few really nice ones over the years, I've never felt compelled to live with anyone since the early 90's.
I'm so busy with projects, work, friends and community stuff, I think having someone live with me at my house would make me feel neglectful, like I'd have to give up something I enjoy so I could spend time just hanging out with her, then wind up feeling conflicted.
To me, being in a monogamous LTR while living in different homes would be like dating, and that would be exciting. When we'd choose to be together, it would be fun to give each other our undivided attention, and when we'd ask what's new, we'd actually have new stuff to talk about.
At her place, I would never throw my shoes in 'the wrong place' or shave my legs in the living room so I could watch TV. At my place, she would be less likely to go into my studio and use my delicate pens that are only for certain media, then leave the caps off once she finished writing a to do list on some scratchy, pen demolishing paper (Horrors!).
It's not selfish to want alone time, IMHO. In a LTR, I'm sure I'd want to be with her often, especially overnight, but there is something to be said for, "letting the winds of heaven dance between us" at regular intervals.
Great topic!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

OK. I see maintaing separate living quarters within the same familial home as living apart but together, plus personally relevant to what I want as a 20-something looking to marry and have kids within a "spaced" relationship (as I call it.)

But I can see how that is different than what you are mentioning

I may have misunderstood- you said room. But now you say living quarters...

If you lived in a seperate suite with your own kitchen and bathroom and entrance in a multi dwelling home, then yes, I would consider that LAT - you'd have you r own bills and your own address and your own taxes.

I miss took having your own rooms as in "I have my own bedroom" or some other personal space room. Please excuse if you meant seperate living quarters (seperate suite).