Living Apart, Together (LAT) A Support Thread

MysticOceansFL · 01-09-2016, 09:37 AM

I prefer living with my partner but while your dating rather it be the same town or Ldr's living apart is fine but at some point both people will want to take it to the next level at some point and living together just seems natural too me.

Gráinne · 01-09-2016, 12:16 PM

I definitely fit 40+, kids almost grown stage and will only consider a LAT. For one thing, I travel a lot, prefer to travel alone, and so from my partner's perspective, it would be like a LAT even if we did live together.

I love having my home reflect who I am, and don't want to "blend".

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

One advantage to getting older is that you just don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about your relationship, so I (if I were in one) wouldn't care what it looks like, booty call or not. What someone else thinks of me is none of my business.

As for the scenario of injuring myself far from a phone, there are little necklaces with a panic button on them that alerts 911.

As a side note, what interests me on a sociological level is how quickly lesbian or gay couples move in together vs. heterosexual couples. I know there are a lot of variables, but while I personally don't know of many unmarried yet committed heterosexual couples who live together, it seems to be a "goal" for many in same-sex relationships.

nycfem · 01-09-2016, 01:59 PM

Hi folks, this is a support thread for LATs and those that are interested, not a place for people to post that they don't want LAT. We will be changing the title of the thread so that it is more clear.

Jennifer, Mod

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 02:48 PM

Thanks

I should have been clearer.

So, what things have you done in previous LATs or one you are in now, or things you will take forward into the next one to help it run smoothly? There are oodles of tips on how to live together, lots on ldrs, but not quite much out there for LATs.

I guess the main point for me has been how much stuff of you partner's/spouse do you want at your space and vice versa? And how many days together to spend in a row?

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 02:57 PM

As for partner's/spouse's things... I generally have no issue and feel just fine with giving them a night table, one drawer in the dresser, a section of the bedroom closet, and a shelf in the medicine cabinet and keeping some of their favourite snack foods on hand in the cupboard - if they need that much space.

I personally prefer to keep very little of my stuff at theirs. A drawer for relaxed about the house clothes, pjs, travel make up, a change of shoes. And a place in the bathroom for travel toiletry bag to be hung when there (otherwise zipped and in drawer). I like their place to feel like a little holiday place for me with them, rather than another home I have to look after.

Orema · 01-09-2016, 02:52 PM

Like Gráinne, I really like my home and don't want to blend with someone else. It takes me a long time to fully decorate a home. I've been here for years and still have a bare wall or two because I haven't found or created what I want. Whatever the case, I'd rather have a bare wall than to have something there that isn't what I really want. That's a small quirk, but I dont' want to compromise my small quirks if I don't have to. And I don't have to when I live on my own.

Like ICC, I don't want to be "responsible" for another in a living situation; I might walk your dog or empty your dishwasher, but it's nothing I'm required or expected to do. But more than that, I like living by myself. I like having a space that I don't have to compromise with anyone.

Apart from now, the last time I lived on my own was in the early 1980s for three years. It was great. I openly dated many people. Sometimes I stayed at their place and sometimes we'd stay at mine. Eventually I started seeing one of those people exclusively and we got married and moved in together.

I'd consider getting married again, maybe, but I won't live with anyone again.

I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

imperfect_cupcake · 01-09-2016, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Orema

I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

I've thought about that. I'd love to have a community of tiny houses with about 8-12 people in their own single dwelling abodes. I'd happily partner with someone in that community. But I'd need it to be urban. Hard to find land for that in an urban landscape.

Violette · 01-14-2016, 11:15 PM

Thank you for this thread. I love the idea of living apart, together. The only time I consented to living with someone is when I got married. I enjoyed it, while the relationship was enjoyable. Honestly, I didn't think I would. We brought a child into our family and it was heartbreaking for all when we went our separate ways. However...

I am back to loving living alone (on the nights I don't have my child). I love it when my child is home (ok, I know that's a given for most people, but for some it's not). We have a family space. I am realizing that I am only willing to share that occasionally with someone else. It's really difficult blending families together. I find it difficult to get what I need when there is only togetherness. I need alone time (and I don't mean just a couple of hours), time alone with my kid, time alone with my partner, some family (kid/partner) time, and some friend time. Then only way that makes sense to me is if me (? I) (too tired to figure proper grammar right now, but it didn't sound right) and my potential partner lived separately.

I have always loved being alone. I need time to myself to rejuvenate and feel like a human again. I love being with people and then I need to be alone. I have yet to be with a partner that truly understands that. Some have understood it on an intellectual level, but on other levels felt hurt that I didn't want to spend all my free time with them.

One of the few things my former partner shared with me as to why she was breaking up with me is that I had told her that I loved the idea of having two houses on the same street. She didn't want that, which is totally fair. She should be with someone who wants to spend every night with her. Ironically, she frequently distanced herself in our relationship. But, that's for another thread... Interestingly, I was willing to forgo what I thought was ideal for me to be with someone I loved so deeply, but now I am all about discovering what truly works for me right now. We all have the right to change our minds, but after what I went through (the struggle of living apart or living together), I come back to wanting to live on my own, with my daughter, and partner with someone who lives elsewhere.

imperfect_cupcake · 01-15-2016, 12:16 AM

I thnk that's an interesting point though Violette. I don't really want to spend time around people who aren't there. I have better things to do and it's better company on my own. I think people who like to live with others find ways of distancing themselves while sharing the same space. Well, you'd have to or it would drive you mad. I can't do that. It's just not within my skill set. I can do that with roommates, but not romantic partners. If I can disconnect from you in the same house, I don't have feelings for you.
Other people don't really work that way. They can emotionally turn off and on in that sense and I can't. I *need* physical space in order to live and breathe.
I've had a partner that was emotionally quite distant for quite a while and frankly I needed physical space from being around someone who was so emotionally distant. And some time to myself. I was killing myself doing all the house work, all the errands, cooking etc and I needed *space* (me time, separately, in another room, with door closed, no interruptions) when I came in the front door to decompress from fighting with the world before taking on the tasks of the house. So I said I wanted to have my room be the spare room, move my stuff in there but still sleep together in the master bedroom.
Nope. She w I'll take the spare room, then she w under come and sleep in the masterbedroom. Which annoyed me slightly. I wanted the absolute me space but I agreed. She then got quite upset a few weeks later about the physical space, but the emotional distance space is was drove me batty. She was also a very intense person.

I'm an extrovert. I tend to partner with very hermit like and thus very intense introverts who kinda of use me for 30% or more of their emotional needs because they don't like people in general. I can't really take that kind of intensity and yet emotional distance at the same time anymore in terms of living space.

I need my physical territory. I think most people know how to disengage in a way I don't know how. And frankly isn't in me. Although lots of people say they are open to anything in that "rethinking" thread, it's been my expereince that not living together isn't one of those things they will be open about, and it will fall to me to come up with a compramise on my needs... Again.

QueenofSmirks · 01-16-2016, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gráinne

...

If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone.

....

I've used similar examples when explaining why I prefer to live alone, but mine include: if I want to drink a pot of coffee at 2am, I can, and I don't have to explain it or defend it to anyone. If I want to eat toast for dinner, I don't have to worry about, or be involved in whatever the other person is going to eat. If I want to turn on the air conditioner when it's 60 degrees outside, I can. Essentially, I want my living space to be my own, and I don't want to have to justify simple actions (like drinking an entire pot of coffee) to anyone, or compromise on having the curtains open or closed, or having a pet or not, or eating breakfast or not, etc. etc. etc. etc..

I enjoy my own company, and I'm extremely self-sufficient, so I'm sure that factors into it. Most people don't get it. Most of us are socialized to find a partner, get married, live together, have kids, etc. I've not big on following social norms, so I'm sure that factors into it as well.

Chad · 01-16-2016, 03:18 PM

I actually think this plan would work well for me. I love my alone time. I have been in long relationships that were very successful living apart for years but when we moved in together things seem to fall apart.

I am giving this idea two thumbs up.

01-09-2016, 09:37 AM	#1
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I prefer living with my partner but while your dating rather it be the same town or Ldr's living apart is fine but at some point both people will want to take it to the next level at some point and living together just seems natural too me. __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

01-09-2016, 12:16 PM	#2
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,117 Thanked 7,386 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I definitely fit 40+, kids almost grown stage and will only consider a LAT. For one thing, I travel a lot, prefer to travel alone, and so from my partner's perspective, it would be like a LAT even if we did live together. I love having my home reflect who I am, and don't want to "blend". If I want cornflakes for dinner in my PJ's over the sink, so be it. Got a sudden urge to rearrange my room at 3AM, I could do so. Spend the day writing? I could do so without feeling I was neglecting someone. One advantage to getting older is that you just don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about your relationship, so I (if I were in one) wouldn't care what it looks like, booty call or not. What someone else thinks of me is none of my business. As for the scenario of injuring myself far from a phone, there are little necklaces with a panic button on them that alerts 911. As a side note, what interests me on a sociological level is how quickly lesbian or gay couples move in together vs. heterosexual couples. I know there are a lot of variables, but while I personally don't know of many unmarried yet committed heterosexual couples who live together, it seems to be a "goal" for many in same-sex relationships. __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

01-09-2016, 01:59 PM	#3
nycfem Moderator How Do You Identify?: femme sub Preferred Pronoun?: Baby Grrl Relationship Status: Attached Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: NYC Posts: 6,794 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 52,987 Thanked 21,426 Times in 5,101 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Hi folks, this is a support thread for LATs and those that are interested, not a place for people to post that they don't want LAT. We will be changing the title of the thread so that it is more clear. Jennifer, Mod __________________ *** How do I... ?** Check out the Members Helping Members thread: http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...embers+Helping

01-16-2016, 03:18 PM	#11
Chad Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: OFOS Stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Loved Caregiver Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 6,164 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,746 Thanked 20,313 Times in 5,677 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	LAT I actually think this plan would work well for me. I love my alone time. I have been in long relationships that were very successful living apart for years but when we moved in together things seem to fall apart. I am giving this idea two thumbs up.

01-09-2016, 02:48 PM	#4
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Thanks I should have been clearer. So, what things have you done in previous LATs or one you are in now, or things you will take forward into the next one to help it run smoothly? There are oodles of tips on how to live together, lots on ldrs, but not quite much out there for LATs. I guess the main point for me has been how much stuff of you partner's/spouse do you want at your space and vice versa? And how many days together to spend in a row?

01-09-2016, 02:57 PM	#5
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	As for partner's/spouse's things... I generally have no issue and feel just fine with giving them a night table, one drawer in the dresser, a section of the bedroom closet, and a shelf in the medicine cabinet and keeping some of their favourite snack foods on hand in the cupboard - if they need that much space. I personally prefer to keep very little of my stuff at theirs. A drawer for relaxed about the house clothes, pjs, travel make up, a change of shoes. And a place in the bathroom for travel toiletry bag to be hung when there (otherwise zipped and in drawer). I like their place to feel like a little holiday place for me with them, rather than another home I have to look after.

01-09-2016, 02:52 PM	#6
Orema Superlative Soul Sister How Do You Identify?: Lesbian stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Moving in a single file, but sometimes a sinner. Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: Cottage of Content Posts: 13,670 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 41,470 Thanked 34,731 Times in 8,961 Posts Rep Power: 21474861	Like Gráinne, I really like my home and don't want to blend with someone else. It takes me a long time to fully decorate a home. I've been here for years and still have a bare wall or two because I haven't found or created what I want. Whatever the case, I'd rather have a bare wall than to have something there that isn't what I really want. That's a small quirk, but I dont' want to compromise my small quirks if I don't have to. And I don't have to when I live on my own. Like ICC, I don't want to be "responsible" for another in a living situation; I might walk your dog or empty your dishwasher, but it's nothing I'm required or expected to do. But more than that, I like living by myself. I like having a space that I don't have to compromise with anyone. Apart from now, the last time I lived on my own was in the early 1980s for three years. It was great. I openly dated many people. Sometimes I stayed at their place and sometimes we'd stay at mine. Eventually I started seeing one of those people exclusively and we got married and moved in together. I'd consider getting married again, maybe, but I won't live with anyone again. I used to live on 5 acres. I wouldn't mind LAT on 4 or 5 acres. But I would want us to have separate entrances to the grounds so we didn't have to see each other when we aren't together. I want the feeling of separation when we're apart.

01-14-2016, 11:15 PM	#8
Violette Member How Do You Identify?: woman Join Date: May 2011 Location: Downtown Posts: 327 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,657 Thanked 587 Times in 127 Posts Rep Power: 5354546	Thank you for this thread. I love the idea of living apart, together. The only time I consented to living with someone is when I got married. I enjoyed it, while the relationship was enjoyable. Honestly, I didn't think I would. We brought a child into our family and it was heartbreaking for all when we went our separate ways. However... I am back to loving living alone (on the nights I don't have my child). I love it when my child is home (ok, I know that's a given for most people, but for some it's not). We have a family space. I am realizing that I am only willing to share that occasionally with someone else. It's really difficult blending families together. I find it difficult to get what I need when there is only togetherness. I need alone time (and I don't mean just a couple of hours), time alone with my kid, time alone with my partner, some family (kid/partner) time, and some friend time. Then only way that makes sense to me is if me (? I) (too tired to figure proper grammar right now, but it didn't sound right) and my potential partner lived separately. I have always loved being alone. I need time to myself to rejuvenate and feel like a human again. I love being with people and then I need to be alone. I have yet to be with a partner that truly understands that. Some have understood it on an intellectual level, but on other levels felt hurt that I didn't want to spend all my free time with them. One of the few things my former partner shared with me as to why she was breaking up with me is that I had told her that I loved the idea of having two houses on the same street. She didn't want that, which is totally fair. She should be with someone who wants to spend every night with her. Ironically, she frequently distanced herself in our relationship. But, that's for another thread... Interestingly, I was willing to forgo what I thought was ideal for me to be with someone I loved so deeply, but now I am all about discovering what truly works for me right now. We all have the right to change our minds, but after what I went through (the struggle of living apart or living together), I come back to wanting to live on my own, with my daughter, and partner with someone who lives elsewhere.

01-15-2016, 12:16 AM	#9
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I thnk that's an interesting point though Violette. I don't really want to spend time around people who aren't there. I have better things to do and it's better company on my own. I think people who like to live with others find ways of distancing themselves while sharing the same space. Well, you'd have to or it would drive you mad. I can't do that. It's just not within my skill set. I can do that with roommates, but not romantic partners. If I can disconnect from you in the same house, I don't have feelings for you. Other people don't really work that way. They can emotionally turn off and on in that sense and I can't. I need physical space in order to live and breathe. I've had a partner that was emotionally quite distant for quite a while and frankly I needed physical space from being around someone who was so emotionally distant. And some time to myself. I was killing myself doing all the house work, all the errands, cooking etc and I needed space (me time, separately, in another room, with door closed, no interruptions) when I came in the front door to decompress from fighting with the world before taking on the tasks of the house. So I said I wanted to have my room be the spare room, move my stuff in there but still sleep together in the master bedroom. Nope. She w I'll take the spare room, then she w under come and sleep in the masterbedroom. Which annoyed me slightly. I wanted the absolute me space but I agreed. She then got quite upset a few weeks later about the physical space, but the emotional distance space is was drove me batty. She was also a very intense person. I'm an extrovert. I tend to partner with very hermit like and thus very intense introverts who kinda of use me for 30% or more of their emotional needs because they don't like people in general. I can't really take that kind of intensity and yet emotional distance at the same time anymore in terms of living space. I need my physical territory. I think most people know how to disengage in a way I don't know how. And frankly isn't in me. Although lots of people say they are open to anything in that "rethinking" thread, it's been my expereince that not living together isn't one of those things they will be open about, and it will fall to me to come up with a compramise on my needs... Again.