Crush or Love?

[Cin]

Originally Posted by Virago

So, what if you know someone and you've developed a crush on that person. Crush might turn to love with more knowledge of that person, right? Now, for whatever reason you just can't ever let that person know you're crushing. Time goes by and you get to know the person more. Is it still a crush or is it now love? Is love only defined by a back and forth relationship and a crush is one sided? Is that it?

It depends on your definition of love and what your expectation of loving someone is. If you are crushing on someone and you can't ever let them know how you feel then of course it is one sided...even if it isn't. And rather fruitless since nobody can talk about it, ever.

If you get to know them more and you feel love towards them, then you have to decide what you want from that love. Will you be satisfied loving someone who can't know how you feel? Are you okay with that? Could you change it even if you tried? Do you feel that love is only valid if it is reciprocated?

I think people everywhere, at one time or another, find that they love someone who doesn't, can't or won't love them back in the way they want. We have little control over who we feel love for. But we can control how that love is expressed. We tend to think of love as a noun, but it is really a verb and the action of loving is seen and felt in how we treat others we profess to love. We may not get exactly what we want but we can still exchange love if we are open to what a person is able to give instead of only what we want.

And I think love is the same emotion no matter who you feel it for. We just feel it at different degrees and levels and express it in different ways depending if it is a parent, a child or a partner. But the emotion is the same.

But the feelings tied up in crushes and also in the temporary condition known as falling in love is a totally different kind of thing. It's almost the antithesis of love. It can be a very selfish and self involved experience. It's all about the lowering of ego boundaries that occurs when you are around a person you have feelings for. It is this that makes you feel that rush. The feelings are then attributed to the other person. And then around and around you go. But the feelings you have for someone you really don't know that well yet has little to do with the person. It's all about how you believe they make you feel. Until you get to know them over time your feelings can't actually be about them yet. So with the person you are crushing on it is about an attraction and about your feelings when you are around the person or when you are thinking about them. The real experience of giving love isn't part of the equation yet. It can grow out of a crush of course. But one where the other person, for whatever reason, is not ever able to be involved seems like a very unbalanced kind of relationship. One has to wonder what is in it for anyone to pursue it. Is it fair to involve someone in something they actually can't even participate in? Would it not be better to walk away and cut your losses?

I suppose this isn't something you can really explain to a 15 year old. If I remember correctly being 15 is a roller coaster ride of emotion and hormones.

[imperfect_cupcake]

It's very rare I ever crush on anyone. I think I have had maybe three?

I know a few other folks that just don't crush on others. We've talked about how bizarre it looks and how intense it is for someone to feel those things for you without knowing you. It verges on disturbing. Because you know it's not *really* you they have all those feelings for. It's this huge mass of projection, dreams, desires, needs, all kind of flung at you like a mass of wet noodle.

And you disappear as a person and just become this giant screen. And they insist that they love you because of all the intense feels they swear they have never felt before.

But I tell people that feelings are lovely but ultimately it's about earning trust, not demanding it or flinging it at someone; it's about learning how someone behaves with you over time; it's about having shared expereinces and learning to work together.

A crush is someone that makes the world go away or become more so full of colour when you look at them. Love is wiping someone's arse because they are too sick to do it themselves and making them a romantic card to make them feel better even though they were a total shit to you when they got home from the ultra crap day they had - really, you'd like to throw them off a bridge. But you make the card/favourite desert and you do your very best.

Love is built over time in a shared expereince. Crush, from what I feel off of others, is massive hopes and expectations of daydreams. It's all Eros.

Yes, crushes can lead to love. Of course. Or it can burn out. Or it becomes obsessive. Who knows.