Men with boobs.

[Dylan]

This is going to be a bit of an overshare, but...

From the time I can remember, I have been answering the 'are you a boy or a girl?' question. From kindergarten thru about middle school, I was called 'he/she'. High school brought 'lez' and 'man/girl'. My gender presentation elicits stares, finger-points, comments, threats, name-calling, etc EVERYDAY and EVERYWHERE I go. I no longer talk to most of thee people in my family because of my gender (going on 20 years now).

I have from my earliest memories had to sit and listen to salespeople and the like trip and stumble over a fucking pronoun with me. Whether they sir me or ma'am me at first, I then have to sit and listen to them trip over themselves and apologize and correct themselves. Theb, I have to (usually) apologize and c@oddle them, because they just 'feel so bad' about screwing it up...even when they got it right the first time.

I have been reminded multiple times a day from the time I can remember that my gender is 'difficult work' for countless lazy people.and I KNOW I share this same story with just about every butch on this website.

So really, when I'm in my own community of queer people who claim to be so very aware, I really can't take hearing, 'but but but it's just so hard'. Nor can I take the flippancy...especially from people who have NOT ever dealt with any of this.

People don't change their pronouns on a whim. This isn't brain surgery. If you think 'remembering' the people you deal with frequently is 'work' try dealing with the flippancy and having other people decide FOR you.


Dylan

[SuperFemme]

Not being seen for who you are is worse than not being seen at all.

[Dylan]

I would also like to add that for many many years I have also had to sit idly by while friends changed up my pronoun to better suit THEIR conversations, or so that servers (for example) didn't look at THEM weird.

If people don't think sitting there while a FRIEND changes your pronoun, so a server in a restaurant doesn't look at your friend weird isn't work...

I don't see how ANYONE can piss and moan about how 'difficult' this shit is to 'remember'. There really is no excuse besides shear uncaring, disrespect, and laziness. At least Arwen had the chutzpah to just say, 'yeah, sometimes I'm lazy' instead of making excuses and blaming the victim...or turning it into the plight of the perpetrator.

Dylan

[apretty]

sorry, it seems a little like femmes who i believe, 90% of the time, DO get it right and DO mean well and are AMAZING. period. full stop. --are getting just a tad maligned by all this lazy-talk. i mean, did more than one person mention LAZY, here? please stop painting us with your LAZY-brush.

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by apretty

sorry, it seems a little like femmes who i believe, 90% of the time, DO get it right and DO mean well and are AMAZING. period. full stop. --are getting just a tad maligned by all this lazy-talk. i mean, did more than one person mention LAZY, here? please stop painting us with your LAZY-brush.

Perhaps this is your experience. It is NOT my experience that femmes get it right 90% of the time.

Never said femmes weren't amazing

You're more than welcome to come for a visit and hang out with the same folks I've hung out with and give some feedback on who does and doesn't default to male pronouns and then give a big shrug with a sighing 'whatever'.

And yeah, I still consider it 'lazy' to pick and choose someone else's pronoun out of One's OWN comfort.

Never said ALL femmes were lazy...only the ones who default, because it makes THEM more comfortable, or because they find it too much work

And don't worry, I also find butches, transmen, transwomen, cisgendered, cis-sexed, andros, and straight people who do it lazy too

And I think we all know some folks who have decided who is and isn't 'butch enough' based on their sexual preferences, haircuts, 'swaggers', and a slew of other 'butch enough markers'


Dylan

[apretty]

Originally Posted by Dylan

...
And I think we all know some folks who have decided who is and isn't 'butch enough' based on their sexual preferences, haircuts, 'swaggers', and a slew of other 'butch enough markers'


Dylan

yeah we do know those folks, probably the exact same folks.

[Jett]

Originally Posted by Dylan

................
And I think we all know some folks who have decided who is and isn't 'butch enough' based on their sexual preferences, haircuts, 'swaggers', and a slew of other 'butch enough markers'


Dylan

Originally Posted by apretty

yeah we do know those folks, probably the exact same folks.

Golly gee whiz, yeah because if it's one thing we all know butch is all haircut, ball scratching and huge baggy jeans. It's all those people who think it's something inside called um.... ... masculinity (is that what its called?) that are completely nuts.

It's nice to know there are people in the world like that who see so clearly to set things straight. Maybe more people should judge people solely by their appearance, because yeah... that's how we can really tell the most about peoples heart and personalities. (and to dispel any confusion, yes I'm being sarcastic because it's just that stupid)

I give it that most butches DO have outer butch markers, but the difference is I wear "men's" clothing because I love them... and feminine clothing don't feel right me. But the clothing are not what makes me butch. I'm still butch in my birthday suit.

Personally as far as presentation goes, I decided for myself not that long ago that things like passing, attempts to have the world see you and address you as a male person... was not what being queer and being butch was about for me. I like the gender queered-ness of having both gender "markers", and being visible in that.

There's all kinds of butches, to each their own.

Blah,
Metro

[Lynn]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Not being seen for who you are is worse than not being seen at all.

For me, this isn't the case at all. Being invisible is a state of non-existence. Not being seen for who you are is definitely alienating, as well. But, once you are *seen* at all, then the dialogue can begin, if it's important that others actually see you for who you are. On the subject of labels, I try to get it right and be aware of the other person's identity and preferences. Sometimes I get it wrong, at least in my head, because I do tend to form an opinion based on what I see and hear. It's wrong, and I do it less than I used to.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by Dylan

This is going to be a bit of an overshare, but...

From the time I can remember, I have been answering the 'are you a boy or a girl?' question. From kindergarten thru about middle school, I was called 'he/she'. High school brought 'lez' and 'man/girl'. My gender presentation elicits stares, finger-points, comments, threats, name-calling, etc EVERYDAY and EVERYWHERE I go. I no longer talk to most of thee people in my family because of my gender (going on 20 years now).

I have from my earliest memories had to sit and listen to salespeople and the like trip and stumble over a fucking pronoun with me. Whether they sir me or ma'am me at first, I then have to sit and listen to them trip over themselves and apologize and correct themselves. Theb, I have to (usually) apologize and c@oddle them, because they just 'feel so bad' about screwing it up...even when they got it right the first time.

I have been reminded multiple times a day from the time I can remember that my gender is 'difficult work' for countless lazy people.and I KNOW I share this same story with just about every butch on this website.

So really, when I'm in my own community of queer people who claim to be so very aware, I really can't take hearing, 'but but but it's just so hard'. Nor can I take the flippancy...especially from people who have NOT ever dealt with any of this.

People don't change their pronouns on a whim. This isn't brain surgery. If you think 'remembering' the people you deal with frequently is 'work' try dealing with the flippancy and having other people decide FOR you.


Dylan

[FONT="Century Gothic"]
Right on! I don't think any of us should accept the laziness factor (or simply dismissing the significance that goes far beyond a word)- not even a little bit. Not any of us. The pronoun trials in everyday life for all of us really does get to be too much. Dealing with it here is just not acceptable. Either is any default, really. If one isn’t certain, ask. And concerning this site, there is a place to state your preference, use it. And taking a look at this designation is just not difficult.

Even though I think I less internal turmoil with getting sired, being told I’m in the wrong public bathroom, etc., it gets very old as it is something we deal with daily.

I have to add something about the femme infraction factor- it isn't true... and I certainly did not mean to insinuate by some of the posts I made to do so, I was just telling some personal stories that did involve femmes. Also, unfortunately, on the site, even with my filling in the pronoun space with she, etc., the folks that have called me him, he in posts have been femmes. I think that is just what happened, up to this point. Tomorrow, a butch could do the same thing.

Sometime ago in the midst of the butch wars on the old site, a female identified butch organization formed here in the Bay Area. At first, I thought it was great. However, the membership of both butch members and allies rested on not using terms like hy or hym. A butch I know and like very much that uses these terms wanted to join as an ally. Hy was turned away.... by butches and they refused to even use hy or hym in talking with hym during this process! Hence, I withdrew from the organization. This did more harm to butch relating to each other, I believe and was just making things worse between FIBs, MIBs, TG/IG people and we do not need more of that. This issue runs across butch & femme and really boils down to disrespect. The male-default goes to what the OP first mentioned concerning male over female and the overriding thought that butches will of course evolve into masculine and male identifications.

Please, I personally did not mean to sound like I think femmes are the only ones guilty of this. The laziness statement in a post did touch off a lot for me... and it looks like others. It was made by a femme, but could have been made by a butch as well.

[BullDog]

What has frustrated me over the years is not honest mistakes in pronoun usage- it's the male defaults (which goes well beyond pronouns) that have continued to be put on butch despite all of the butch women/female id butches speaking up. That certainly has not just been from just a few femmes, or anyone for that matter, slipping up on pronouns. It is deeply rooted in online butch femme communities.

Certainly great efforts are being made on this website to change that.