Making it work 24/7

[kittygrrl]

This seems cliché but it's true-Don't go to bed angry-think about your part - deescalate your annoyance and negotiate so that you both are winners!

[clay]

Great thread topic, kittygirl!!!

I am in an LDR. I have had them before some worked, others did not. I think the failed ones the stresses & distance were a huge factor. The ones that did work, we both put a lot of time & effort into them.

Trust is absolutely paramount to the success of this type relationship (and all others IMO).

What makes mine work is that we spend quality time regularly with one another. We have FT dates via FB messenger. We have coloring dates, dining together dates, & we keep the FUN in these dates.

We definitely put one another above all else. We respect one another. I know sometimes we all need our "me" space & I am very respectful & cognizant of that time for her, as she is for me.

We are very open & honest with one another. We share so much of ourselves with one another.

One thing we did do was become friends first & foremost. We were friends, exchanging pleasantries over the last few years, BUT when we began to talk, it was as friends. We shared so many laughs, and fun times, working on projects. We took time to get to know each other. We are still doing that.

We saved intimacy for much later, preferring to do so and be able to relax & enjoy each other. It was mutual respect & agreement to do so. That is something I haven't ever done before. It has been so wonderful to get to know HER, her heart, her mind, her soul, and her personality, as those are what I deem sexy!

We chose to keep ours under wraps for some time, and we didn't rush into changing our status, or our lives, yet focusing on one another. I met her family very first visit & am getting to know them as well.

There is so much that goes into keeping a relationship on an even keel & maintaining time with each other yet still having our individual lives. I respect her fierceness & independence as does she mine. She IS my best friend! I can count on her through anything and vice versa.

We do indeed "live" for one another. That is a very healthy way to view this kind of relationship. Good point kittygrrl.

Anyway, you get the idea of what works for us. Every relationship is very different & works according to the two people involved.

Good luck to all who embark on this way of life with another. It does and can work if both are on same page.

[kittygrrl]

Stop obssessing about your past-as time goes by your relationship-love-sex- will change...into something deeper...no it's not going to be the edge of your seat kind of thing...but it can be sweeter and deeper if you take the time and thought to make it good...really good-accept it will never look like it did 5 years ago or even a year ago-don't get tripped up or out worrying about it-hindsight is 20/20-make every day better then the last-that is all we ever really have darlin-

[Chad]

Great subject Kittygrrl.

I hope to learn from others in this thread. I feel like I fall short a lot at making it work 24/7. I give so much of my energy to my work that I am exhausted when I get home at night with very little left for a partner.

Looks like I need to reflect and try harder.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Chad

Great subject Kittygrrl.

I hope to learn from others in this thread. I feel like I fall short a lot at making it work 24/7. I give so much of my energy to my work that I am exhausted when I get home at night with very little left for a partner.

Looks like I need to reflect and try harder.

even for a LDR? not as much energy needed for that, or maybe it take more i am not sure.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

even for a LDR? not as much energy needed for that, or maybe it take more i am not sure.

I actually do pretty well with LDR's. Time to focus on work and time to focus on her. Yep.

I am great at dating.

Thanks Dee.

[NavyButch]

Originally Posted by Chad

Great subject Kittygrrl.

I hope to learn from others in this thread. I feel like I fall short a lot at making it work 24/7. I give so much of my energy to my work that I am exhausted when I get home at night with very little left for a partner.

Looks like I need to reflect and try harder.

Hi Chad-

I think you hit the nail on the head with- "Looks like I need to reflect and try harder". Really more the reflection part. I think that when a relationship ends- any type really- even a friendship- it is necessary for us to look back at it all and try to figure out just went wrong. Like you said- was it because you give a lot of energy to your job and have nothing left over? If that was truly it- what can you do to change that? So often it is easier to just move on and not spend the time to look back at what happened. We just feel, "ok, it is over- going to dust myself off- and move on". I do not think it is where we should dwell on it for sure. But, I think self-reflection is always good no matter what the circumstances were in regards to the breakup. It is not about laying blame- it is about learning and making ourselves better for the next possibility.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by NavyButch

Hi Chad-

I think you hit the nail on the head with- "Looks like I need to reflect and try harder". Really more the reflection part. I think that when a relationship ends- any type really- even a friendship- it is necessary for us to look back at it all and try to figure out just went wrong. Like you said- was it because you give a lot of energy to your job and have nothing left over? If that was truly it- what can you do to change that? So often it is easier to just move on and not spend the time to look back at what happened. We just feel, "ok, it is over- going to dust myself off- and move on". I do not think it is where we should dwell on it for sure. But, I think self-reflection is always good no matter what the circumstances were in regards to the breakup. It is not about laying blame- it is about learning and making ourselves better for the next possibility.

Hi NavyButch,

Yes my work has been an issue for decades. I have sacrificed time with family, friends, and partners for my career. I have been pondering balance for a long time. My work is very important to my soul and I enjoy it.

I guess it all comes down to what is most important. That is very hard because my work is so important.

I think that I am a good match for a career femme that is passionate about her work then we could meet in the middle and have fun weekends.

Thank you for your input.

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Chad

Great subject Kittygrrl.

I hope to learn from others in this thread. I feel like I fall short a lot at making it work 24/7. I give so much of my energy to my work that I am exhausted when I get home at night with very little left for a partner.

Looks like I need to reflect and try harder.

your spouse should show up w/ lunch and her as a snack ~

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

your spouse should show up w/ lunch and her as a snack ~

ocean, i'd rather be dessert j/s lol...but when your lover is tired or vexed...we femmes (meaning me, at least) take note and quietly try to make things as comfortable as possible...low key dinner w/soft music, then if he needs space float into my own private space...plan a nice Friday or Saturday...with no agenda...

[Chad]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

your spouse should show up w/ lunch and her as a snack ~

Haha ocean, when/if I get a spouse I will suggest this.

[kittygrrl]

"the best thing to hold onto in life is each other"

[homoe]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

your spouse should show up w/ lunch and her as a snack ~

.........

[kittygrrl]

if you seek to improve your relationship work on yourself first

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Yep. This has definitely impacted my relationships too. Especially with the work I do. I feel like I give all of my emotional energy to my clients (I'm a therapist), so I have none left when I get home. I tend to do the best if I have a partner who lives near me, but not with me. Ex- long term GF...we broke up 6 months ( or less), after she moved in. We were fine for 5 years not living together. Big shifts were happening in my life at the exact same time too, which had a large impact, I suspect.

Exactly. i cannot share my space with a live in.

LD works for me as long as i feel like a priority.

[Chad]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Yep. This has definitely impacted my relationships too. Especially with the work I do. I feel like I give all of my emotional energy to my clients (I'm a therapist), so I have none left when I get home. I tend to do the best if I have a partner who lives near me, but not with me. Ex- long term GF...we broke up 6 months ( or less), after she moved in. We were fine for 5 years not living together. Big shifts were happening in my life at the exact same time too, which had a large impact, I suspect.

Hi buddy,

I think that we are not alone. I was raised to be a husband and provider. This work ethic is hard but necessary as our contribution to our family and our careers. My dad really impressed on me a strong work ethic.

I am a biologist, I work hard for what cannot protect it's self the evironment and endangered species.

I am a career guy and that means that my loved ones may not see me as much as they want and when they do I may be exhausted.

I am sorry for your loss. I have experienced that too.
Chad

[girl_dee]

To Dapper and Chad,

there are a lot of femmes like me who prefer not to live with a love interest. Please know that.

i would prefer if potential lovers lived within driving distance for visits but with travels today and technology it is SO doable.

One thing i have learned lately is that the connection can be FUN.

Isn't that what love should be? (YES)

Trust me you do not want to look back one day and realize you gave up so much of YOU for a job. Your job is not who you are, its what you do.

i speak from experience.


respectfully,
dee (speaking as a femme who prefers a little distance)

[Chad]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

To Dapper and Chad,

there are a lot of femmes like me who prefer not to live with a love interest. Please know that.

i would prefer if potential lovers lived within driving distance for visits but with travels today and technology it is SO doable.

One thing i have learned lately is that the connection can be FUN.

Isn't that what love should be? (YES)

Trust me you do not want to look back one day and realize you gave up so much of YOU for a job. Your job is not who you are, its what you do.

i speak from experience.


respectfully,
dee (speaking as a femme who prefers a little distance)

Hi Dee,

I do worry about looking back from my old age and being disappointed that I did not live more for me.

I never worry that I gave my all for the environment.

Thanks for the femme point of view.
Chad

[*Anya*]

Different strokes and different perceptions.

1) I agree that I am not my job. It is what a I do and do very well. When I am in session with a client and I make an observation that really resonates with a client and it opens up a previously shut-down person; I feel so fortunate to do what I do.

2) I like living with a lover or partner. I am a nester. In the 5 love languages, acts of service is my #1. I don't like to do much of anything because it is expected or demanded but I love to do it from my heart I love my partner finding that I did or accomplished something that I knew she would love it just makes me feel so good inside!

My iPad is screwy again every update messes it up more right now no punctuation or numbers are working oh brother sorry for this run on sentence

Originally Posted by girl_dee

there are a lot of femmes like me who prefer not to live with a love interest. Please know that.

i would prefer if potential lovers lived within driving distance for visits but with travels today and technology it is SO doable.

One thing i have learned lately is that the connection can be FUN.

Isn't that what love should be? (YES)

Trust me you do not want to look back one day and realize you gave up so much of YOU for a job. Your job is not who you are, its what you do.

i speak from experience.


respectfully,
dee (speaking as a femme who prefers a little distance)

[nycfem]

DB and TF, please no posting about or to each other. Thank you.

Jennifer / mod hat