Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

Well my mom hasn't spoken to me since Easter.

She said she was going to stay home all day and cry. My aunt and my sister took her out for the day and she had a good time.

But she still is punishing me. i am going to try again to reach out to her.

[girl_dee]

thank you to the person who sent me the message about not contacting my mom. i REALLY appreciate the insight.

Well she contacted me this morning. She sent me a photo of some newsletter she got from the facility where she lives. It was something crazy about HUD being discontinued and her losing her housing benefits.

and her comment was

"i am going to be living under a bridge"

i responded that i am sorry but thats not going to happen. Nothing i could do to make her stop going off.. so i just left the conversation.

This is weighing on me big time.

[girl_dee]

Thanks to all the folks who sent me messages. i know i am not alone and it sure feels good.

i feel like the worst daughter ever.. she's my MOM i am told. i know who she is. She has never acted like one.

Yes (thank you) i feel like an orphan. i haven't had *parents* in forever.

i don't know if my father is dead or alive, but if he is dead, i won't shed a tear.

[girl_dee]

well, i tried to fix things by calling my mom on FaceTime this morning. i started off real positive and cheerful. That did not last long.

She became hysterically angry at me. She was crying and saying some pretty ugly things. i definitely have lost my good daughter card.

i also realized yesterday, that when things with my mom get flared up, i slide into old self destructive patterns.

its a cycle.

[*Anya*]

I know this is a derail but I must say this: with all kindness and respect, people that do not have severely toxic parents do not understand.

I know each situation is different but all abusive and toxic parents are the same in the way that they destroy your soul.

I have had to deal with a seriously dysfunctional and damaging mother (and father, too) for my whole life.

People have said to me: "But she is your mother". Yes, she is. Very sadly, she is.

They have said: "You are going to feel bad when she dies if you don't even try".

Yes and I have felt badly my entire life.

My last little, tiny kernel of hope for a real, loving mother; will die with her.

I spent 5 years in therapy, starting at age 21, because I did not want to abuse/hurt/harm my own children if I did not learn how to be different than my mother.

I would sit in therapy and cry my heart out, asking repeatedly, "But why doesn't she love me?"

My therapist, like a broken record, would say, "Because she can't".

It took me the whole 5 years to get to the point of acceptance of this simple fact and to believe that I would be a different mother with my children than the one I was born to.

And I was.

I tried multiple times to connect with her (and my father) over the years, but either her damaging criticism of me or the repeated litany of all of the grudges she carried and never let go, would be repeated, no matter what I tried to talk about or how I attempted to get the conversation on a positive track:

"You never practiced the piano. We got you lessons and you just wouldn't do it. The boys play beautifully now because they practiced." This was always said to guests when they would walk in the house: "They all had lessons but only the boys stuck with it. Anya quit". I would always feel ashamed and embarrassed as though a I had done something terribly wrong.

"Your grades could have been much better , you do have a brain, you just never used it. Note- I got C's, D's and F's in high school due to being so beaten down mentally and physically.

In college-I had an almost a straight A average. I got an award in nursing school for being the best student- what did mom and dad say: "See, we knew you could do it. We just never understood why you never even tried".

The last time I was at my parents, probably 6 years ago, before dad broke his hip and they moved into assisted living; my father gave me all of my report cards from second grade through 12th. They also had an IQ test I don't recall ever taking.

Their point? To show me how poorly I did in school and to show me how smart I was so they could again dive into my underachievement history.

To what end? To what purpose?

My perspective on that is that by making me the focus of all of their anger (frequently at each other) they never had to think about themselves as long as I was the punching bag (literally and metaphorically).

Somehow, the worse I felt, the more self-righteous they felt. They would feel better when I felt worse.

I gathered everything up that day, said I have to go now and walked out.

After that, they stopped talking to me again and I said: enough.

I honor all of you for being good sons, daughters, spouses, lovers and caring for parents and loved ones the way that you do. I read this thread even though it makes me sad.

I wish that I had parents (now just my mom. Dad died last August. I was not allowed to go to the funeral) that I could help.

It just is not the way that it is.

I want to close by saying that my youngest daughter told me yesterday that she and her boyfriend just got approved for a house in LA. She said to me: "Mom it has a downstairs apartment. We got it so that when you get to where you need help, you can come live with us".

I still cry with happiness to even write it.

Some parents are so toxic, it is best to avoid them like the plague that they are. Of course, frequently it was not my healthy choice to avoid them.

My coming out in 1978 earned me a 15- year no-talking ban. It actually was the beginning of putting together the crumbs of insight that I had learned in therapy. Those 15 years were a blessing, in retrospect.

[Kätzchen]

I totally hear both Dee and Anya.

I agree with Dee that it's a cycle.

I agree with Anya's therapists' assessment that her mother couldn't understand because she can't /couldn't.

And, for me, because the two scenarios above which are persistent and present in both Dee and Anya's situational experiences, is exactly the reason why I *had* to break ties with my family, years ago. I went 10 years enforcing a no contact code between myself and my parents and siblings because of the cyclic nature of toxic relational ties between members of my family. I too have spent lots of time in therapy, during my ten year break from my family: Only to discover that for my own sanity, and safety and peace of mind, that the toxic controlling behaviors of my parents and siblings was something I did *not* have to be a participant in.

The behaviors of my parents and siblings are still present in their lives, still to this day. It's why I literally moved myself physically away from where I grew up. I can visit with my mother by phone....but it's not peachy, all the time. When it gets to be too much work for me to navigate between any of us, I distance myself from them. It's about the only "signal" they cognizantly understand (if ever), due to the ten years I enforced a zero contact situation between myself and them.

I'm actually worried that my mother is perilously close to having a massive stroke, which would upend the cozy, unhealthy reliance my siblings enjoy with my mother. Even lately, when I encourage my mother with steps she could take to look out for herself, rather than my remaining siblings, it's like she can't hear me or is so deeply entangled in the vicious cycle that it scares her to take steps to end her role in my family's unhealthy scenarios.

Anyway.... I just wanted to share about my own family dilemmas because it's imperative that I remain vigilant in safe guarding myself when engaging with members of my family.

And too, to express thar my heart goes out to Anya and Dee and anyone else who is dealing with ongoing family issues.

[Kelt]

Hey girl_dee

I've been reading your posts and just want you to know I hear what you are saying. The emotional wear and tear of this is exhausting, especially over time. I don't know how long you have been at it but I'm only two years on, also long distance for self preservation, though for different reasons.

My mother has fairly early dementia, zero short term memory, and it's tough in very weird ways. We got along fine when I was in my twenties, then she disappeared for 25+ years (my father didn't like us talking) and then out of the blue my father had a massive stroke and since then she has needed everything. She won't do anything to help herself except complain. Daily.

The nurse I have hired for her and to manage the caregivers told me that he thinks she has "weaponized passivity" down to a science.

I chronicled the whole mess for the first year in this thread but since then I've realized that it.just.won't.stop. Until she dies. I never had kids or siblings so I never had to develop the inexhaustible well of patience required to do this.

All that to say I understand the dread for the daily call, the self harming cycles, the rollercoaster of "what now?", and the just plain old have to keep doing this. I am glad you are posting, it's nice (?) to hear how you are dealing with things, it's easy to get isolated.

[Greco]

Anya, Katzchen, girl_dee...as you know
I don't usually share my personal story, but I
feel compelled to share with you a small part
of my early story, and a bit of my now life.

I too am a survivor of severe emotional, physical
abuse at the hands of a step-mother. Somehow I
found the strength at 6yo to show one of my paternal
aunts my legs, arms, and back...my aunt took me
out of that place that very day. My paternal aunt
was what Alice Miller calls an "enlightened witness", that
is she protected me without question, and loved me until
her death in 2004. She loved classical music and played
it always at home. Classical music = love for me.

More cycles came in my life until I left home at 16
and never returned.

"No Contact" was imperative for my well-being
and until this day I count as my family only
my sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews and their
children. My paternal aunt died awhile ago as I've
mentioned but I know I'll see her again.

I want the ten commandments to begin with Honor thy Children.

Today, and for the last 3 decades one of my callings
has been as psychotherapist and yes, I "walk" with people
through the pain and darkness of their early, and not so early
abuse by personality disordered parents, families, partners, and
friends. This is not a "plug" for me, but an example of
how I pass on my own healing. My own therapy/healing
from abuse has been long, and has continued throughout
years in practice.

Anya, when you said and I quote, "I spent 5 years in
therapy, starting at age 21, because I did not want to
abuse/hurt/harm my own children if I did not learn
how to be different than my mother.", it brought tears
of joy to my heart, kudos for being a good mother, a
safe and loving mother.

Katzchen, kudos to you as well for doing the hard work
it takes to heal and having the strength of going no contact
with your family.

girl_dee, I've learned to honor only those that
honor me no matter who they are...there are
many survivors on this site and others who have
healed from abuse from parental figures. You are
not alone, and you are not crazy, or bad.

The characteristics that I have found in the people I work
with and myself are inner strength, courage, and resilience
off the charts. Without these characteristics we wouldn't
still be here, and another factor that is a spiritual one.

I'll stop here and say that Self-care - Self-protection = Self-Trust and Self-Love.

with much respect, and fondly, Greco