Caregivers and Stress

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

it is abuse. every interaction now is her unloading on me about how i dumped her in that place and took off.

i cannot deal with it.

You have to protect yourself. It may seem harsh, but if communication with her is hurting you, limit that. Cut it completely for a certain amount of time if necessary. Give her a boundary.....if you won't speak to me respectfully, then I will not communicate with you for one month....or whatever works for you....and then stand by it. She will push your boundary. Probably run it over from the sounds of it, but we MUST maintain boundaries with the people that are the reason for a lot of our other boundaries.

I had to compartmentalize very well when I was younger between my relationship with my mother and my relationship with my abuser. Maybe too well. It's a light switch for me. You won't respect me and my boundaries? You push me repeatedly? Fine. I'm done. I don't expect anyone else to do that but it's how I've had to be. I've had to cut people out or they would drag me down into their misery quicksand. It was survival.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

how about when you see other mothers and daughters having a normal relationship?

it brings up big stuff for me.

I feel longing followed by either anger or resentment towards my mom. Then I remember that there's no such thing as normal and usually start to wonder what their 'stuff' is, because every family has stuff.

[girl_dee]

i met with my fam today to talk about my mom.

Someone suggested that i have a talk with her, to let her know that if every single communication is her dumping on me and coming at me with daggers, i will have to stop communicating

That probably should have happened long ago rather than me trying to *fix* her every single time, which never works and results in some really dark stuff for me.

[girl_dee]

a month later and my mom has decided to move from the living facility where she is to go near her sister, 50 miles away, who lives in the middle of nowhere. There are no hospitals near and she won't know where anything is.

She has told her sister that we have all just left her. So she needs to be *saved*. i know my aunt knows better, but whatever.

i know this is the biggest mistake ever, and i am struggling to check out.

How do you check out when its your mother????

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

a month later and my mom has decided to move from the living facility where she is to go near her sister, 50 miles away, who lives in the middle of nowhere. There are no hospitals near and she won't know where anything is.

She has told her sister that we have all just left her. So she needs to be *saved*. i know my aunt knows better, but whatever.

i know this is the biggest mistake ever, and i am struggling to check out.

How do you check out when its your mother????

Honestly, I have struggled with it for years.

What is "it"?

In a nutshell, I try to use the Serenity Prayer when it comes to my mother and until my dad died last August, with him, too.

I can not make my mother be different. I do not have the power to make her a kind and loving person. I can not get her to be happy that she has me for a daughter. She is 89 now so there won't be some miracle intervention happening for her.

My mom is who she is and who she will always be. My father was the same.

Then, he died.

The difference is that I have come to a place of acceptance with both of them.

It still makes me sad. I wish that things had been different for all of us. I have always felt like an orphan and when I was a kid, I did used to pray that something would happen to them so I could be adopted by a loving family like some of my friends had.

It didn't and we get the parents that we get.

You can't change your mom. You know in your heart that you have done the very best that you can. You truly have to believe that there is not one more magic thing that you could try. If you don't really believe it, you will feel guilt and feel torn that somehow this or other choices that she makes, are your fault.

Guilt is not productive and it can eat you up.

I have read your posts about your mom. You know that you can't change her. We really do not have power over anyone else's bad decisions or choices.

Even when we love them.

(((Femme hug)))

[girl_dee]

Anya (((( thank you ))))))

at this point, i don't want to change her. i just want the power to be in a place where i don't feel hurt anymore.

My sister who has NEVER had to deal with my mom, has to now. i am not one bit sorry that i am not there. She is going to pack up my mom, and deal with the red tape of HUD, the movers, the utilities, the bank, the doctors, the everything.

She texted me all day yesterday and said "this is all your fault for moving away" ... then added a "lol"

Like mother like daughter.

i just don't want to have anything to do with this anymore.

AND i am going on a kinky weekend trip, and my mother will be here visiting and staying with me, when i get back.

[girl_dee]

my mom is going home after her 4 days with me. it is so hard as this is my sacred space and her negative energy is in my space.

Yesterday, her last day, she was completely miserable and difficult. Guilt trip on overload. This is how she wants to spend the little time we have together. She reminded me at least 4.5 million times that i moved and left her. How no one cares about her. She is moving in a week and can't pay the movers. She is almost 80 and still chasing contentment.

Maybe its because i came home to her being in my sacred space after 5 days of kink and fun and feel more powerful... i cannot let her ruin my mood. Maybe its because i am finally realizing that she is just going to be miserable no matter what i do, but she just isn't getting to me. At least i don't think so. okay maybe a little.


One more hour and i drop her off with the family to take her home.

SO bittersweet,

[girl_dee]

First thank you for all of the notes and support. i appreciate it. i appreciate this space as well.

Yesterday my mom moved. Turns out she isn't so helpless after all. She is now living in the middle of no where but close to her sister. i hope this works out, because i can't bail her out this time. She will be great during the honeymoon period. This is her pattern. For 50 years she moves every couple of years. Never happy with where she is.

She is REALLY angry with me. She said she just gave up on me "wanting her to be close to me". She really expected me to move her out here with me. She is SO bitter. She doesn't want to hear how happy i am, she just resents it.

We had a talk in the car last weekend. She feels i have done something TO her by living my own life. i noticed that during our talk, everything came back to her being a victim somehow, because everyone is living their lives. i was not even able to tell her what a great time i had in California, it just makes her more angry. i am so frustrated!

Now my aunt is "her person". The one who is doing for her, catering to her, is her only "one' and the rest of us are traitors. My mother has always had someone close to her to spoil her, then when it wears off she moves on and they are become the devil. i do believe she has run out of options, and this is all she can get. She has hated this sister of hers forever, now she is her best friend.

i gave her some money for the move. Its the only thing i could think of to do. i think its just a reflex to try to get her approval somehow.

Her words cut yesterday, but i am getting numb to it, i think.My reaction wasn't as bad as it has been. i just want to be able to love her without resentment and anger. i don't remember what she is like without all of that.