Does not being a "feely" person mean you are incapable of intimacy (all kinds)?

[Gráinne]

Hi, all:

As usual, I don't really know how to express myself well in a post I begin, so here goes:

I have a friend who is very much in touch with her feelings and emotions, about everything. She's very good with expressing herself, and is a very sensitive person as well. She has a partner whom I haven't spoken to but who seems much the same way.

I am the opposite, and it's throwing a wrench into our friendship a bit. If she describes a situation and all her different emotions, I tend to come back with "OK, what can you do in this situation?" or "What are your options?". I am not very emotional. I think in terms of actions I can take or choices to make. It's not that I don't have emotions, but I don't express them or speak of them very often. A wall goes up, I think.

We got into a small tiff about this. She got impatient with me and said "I respect that you aren't emotional, Grainne, but I am and I finally accept that part of me. It's also what I think drew *Partner* to me". We smoothed things over, and I think I appreciate her trying to draw out how I feel, and she somewhat appreciates my Spock-like side.

But, the remark about her partner kind of stung. It's not that I dislike who I am-like her, I've come to like myself as I am and I'm not likely to become touchy-feely at this point anyway. It's just not who I am. But I've also not ever really been in love. Is that impossible for someone like me? I fervently hope not. I can see myself getting into a far more intellectual than romantic relationship, and I probably wouldn't do well with a mushy partner anyway. Or am I going to miss out?

Sorry for all this. Maybe I'm just feeling very down and not seeing a lot of good tonight.

[MsTinkerbelly]

You sound like an amazing person, and there is no reason you won't find someone.

I am an "emotional person", and my Kasey is a bit more like you...but there is a softer side on occasion, and it works for us.

The problem i have at times, is when i need someone to be emotional, she just wants to solve the problem for me and move on. Lol

Don't give up hope

Edited to add: your friend might be in touch with her feelings, but she was insensitive to yours, and that's not cool.

[girlin2une]

I think it takes all kinds to make the world go 'round (for lack of a better term)
I think you are perfectly justified in your responses and that you may see the more logical side of things, which is what some people (like me) need. I am so sensitive and so emotional that I like the balance...
Just a short and sweet response here, but I am going to think on this longer...

Originally Posted by Gráinne

Hi, all:

As usual, I don't really know how to express myself well in a post I begin, so here goes:

I have a friend who is very much in touch with her feelings and emotions, about everything. She's very good with expressing herself, and is a very sensitive person as well. She has a partner whom I haven't spoken to but who seems much the same way.

I am the opposite, and it's throwing a wrench into our friendship a bit. If she describes a situation and all her different emotions, I tend to come back with "OK, what can you do in this situation?" or "What are your options?". I am not very emotional. I think in terms of actions I can take or choices to make. It's not that I don't have emotions, but I don't express them or speak of them very often. A wall goes up, I think.

We got into a small tiff about this. She got impatient with me and said "I respect that you aren't emotional, Grainne, but I am and I finally accept that part of me. It's also what I think drew *Partner* to me". We smoothed things over, and I think I appreciate her trying to draw out how I feel, and she somewhat appreciates my Spock-like side.

But, the remark about her partner kind of stung. It's not that I dislike who I am-like her, I've come to like myself as I am and I'm not likely to become touchy-feely at this point anyway. It's just not who I am. But I've also not ever really been in love. Is that impossible for someone like me? I fervently hope not. I can see myself getting into a far more intellectual than romantic relationship, and I probably wouldn't do well with a mushy partner anyway. Or am I going to miss out?

Sorry for all this. Maybe I'm just feeling very down and not seeing a lot of good tonight.

[girlin2une]

oh but my answer is.... it absolutely does NOT make you incapable of intimacy... that is absurd!

[NitroChrys_Butch]

I am extremely level-headed and logical. I am also a hopeless romantic. The wonderful thing about the human spirit is each of us is uniquely different and those around us must embrace those differences in us. Otherwise, we would have a whole lot of "cookie-cutter" humans walking about this planet. Here and on the planet Earth.

It is in My nature to want to help people. In any capacity I can and sometimes that represents itself as not becoming emotional. I have emotions and I don't shun them. I don't get emotional over situations. I want to find a way to get out on the other side of a situation with the best possible outcome for everyone. If that makes Me appear as though I am unfeeling, that just means I am not expressing Myself well enough to those around Me.

I feel deeply and am fiercely protective for those I hold dear.

I am affectionate and show My emotions when appropriate. It doesn't make Me wrong and it doesn't make those who do not wrong, either. Embrace the differences and be proud of them.

[cricket26]

very interesting topic...thank you for bringing it up....as a hyper sensitive person i find it very frustrating being around those who are not sensitive..yet i have them all around me...


my interactions with them tend to be very confusing and frustrating...both of us feeling like we are not being understood, and yes there is a tendency out of frustration to lash out...and then feel guilty afterwards...


i try to be aware of these situations...and accept the other person for who they are, but in return the other person has to understand that i am my own person as well...


i dont have any answers as i struggle every day...to understand and be understood...all i can say is forgive yourself when you fail and dont make the same mistake twice

[MasterfulButch]

I agree with your friend in that she being who she is would have been a contributing factor in bringing her partner to her. Equally, I think that you being who you are will be a contributing factor in you attracting a partner who is fulfilling to you. There is no right or wrong here and society needs all our different types and combinations to flourish.

If intimacy is something you want, in whatever form, then it’s my belief that you can have that. More importantly though, what do you believe? As Henry Ford said; “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't - you're right.”

The only other thought I have is to speak of the value of you, just as you are right now. You may not have been in love yet but that doesn’t mean it’s an impossibility. You’re not in a situation where you have to choose between being yourself and experiencing something you want. You can have both and when you do it will be that much more rewarding because of its authenticity.

[Gráinne]

You're all right, I know it. Normally, I'm not like this but I was already feeling a bit batted around by life and just sort of despaired.

So, I thought "What can I do for myself?" I went to the health club and hit the pool! I swam lap after lap in the sunset, with the pool lights coming on, and it was so beautiful. I love the tingly feeling of release after good exercise. Then I sat in the hot tub as a "reward", came home and fixed a good dinner, and then a friend came over and much laughter ensued. I feel much better.

As for falling in love or even dating, I know in my gut it's not the right time. Yeah, I know someone could show up at any time, but I'm not seeking it out. I know it was the right time, place and person for my friend and perhaps that sort of triggered the lonelies. I want it to be right for me, too. I think it will be, and it won't take forever. This year has been way beyond my hopes so far, so maybe!

I do agree that we all have strengths. I'm the person friends come to when they need advice and clear thinking in a situation. Other friends have the gift of hugs and nurturing. Both kinds are good . I just realized that my entire post was my way of saying "Help, I'm sad!"

Thanks so much. I do think it's an interesting topic in its own right .

[Daisy Chain]

Hello Gráinne,

HHmm...a few points here.

We are all different in our ways of handling and showing our emotions, there is no right and wrong. I think its important not to have any expectations of people and take them for how and who they are and even how they feel comfortable being when are around you.

Just because people dont show their feelings and emotions openly does not invalidate them from having any. I know people who are a closed book when it comes to showing feelings and yet I have grown to be able to read how they are doing from their body language, tone of voice and general manor, often with far more clarity and insight than I can some who `talk and cry` openly.

And some paint pictures with their emotions to create what they would wish you to think that they feel rather than what they do actually feel. There is at times more honesty in distance I think.

As for your friend..well you said it yourself....you have grown to like who you are...perhaps she is not there herself yet . She says she accepts who she is...but she needs to learn to accept who you are too and not see it as a silent judgement of herself and become so defensive.

Actually I have and value friends who come at me with the `what are your options` approach....just as I do the ones who I can have a sob about something with, they are all of equal importance in my life in their own different ways.

Daisy

Originally Posted by Gráinne

Hi, all:

As usual, I don't really know how to express myself well in a post I begin, so here goes:

I have a friend who is very much in touch with her feelings and emotions, about everything. She's very good with expressing herself, and is a very sensitive person as well. She has a partner whom I haven't spoken to but who seems much the same way.

I am the opposite, and it's throwing a wrench into our friendship a bit. If she describes a situation and all her different emotions, I tend to come back with "OK, what can you do in this situation?" or "What are your options?". I am not very emotional. I think in terms of actions I can take or choices to make. It's not that I don't have emotions, but I don't express them or speak of them very often. A wall goes up, I think.

We got into a small tiff about this. She got impatient with me and said "I respect that you aren't emotional, Grainne, but I am and I finally accept that part of me. It's also what I think drew *Partner* to me". We smoothed things over, and I think I appreciate her trying to draw out how I feel, and she somewhat appreciates my Spock-like side.

But, the remark about her partner kind of stung. It's not that I dislike who I am-like her, I've come to like myself as I am and I'm not likely to become touchy-feely at this point anyway. It's just not who I am. But I've also not ever really been in love. Is that impossible for someone like me? I fervently hope not. I can see myself getting into a far more intellectual than romantic relationship, and I probably wouldn't do well with a mushy partner anyway. Or am I going to miss out?

Sorry for all this. Maybe I'm just feeling very down and not seeing a lot of good tonight.

[Ginger]

Maybe she would be satisfied if you said, "That must feel horrible," or something to that affect, just to validate her feelings, before you go on to engage her in some problem solving.

[*Anya*]

I think that old saying "opposites attract" is more true than not-at least for me.

I have always been attracted to the less emotive type of woman.

I have appreciated my partner's logical, problem-solving personality in our life together.

However, when I am really upset about something that may have happened to me, outside of our relationship; what I want and need is a hug or validation that I am upset.

She, on the other hand, jumps right into problem-solving mode.

I try to tell her that I will look for logic in a bit but right at that moment, I just need a hug.

Sometimes, she looks at me as though I am speaking a foreign language and to her, I guess that I am.

Neither of us can change our core personalities but I do try to understand that she can't turn her logic on and off like a faucet.

She, in turn, works on understanding that my feelings are more on the surface than hers.

We all have feelings, it is just how we deal with them that may be different.

There is no right or wrong.

[imperfect_cupcake]

A lot of my partners are branded "unemotional" and frankly I don't think that's true. They just take longer and slower to connect with those emotional and they don't always want to SHARE ALL THE FEELS.

I totally and utterly get that. I *appear* emotional because I talk about things that other people would find emotionally charged, vulnerable and engaging. But they are not not me. And if you read me very closely, you will find I talk about
A) what I *think*
B) what happened
C) something cute and flippant and funny
D) how I felt back then

But you won't find anything actually about how I actually *feel*, presently, in my conversation or words. It's a slight of hand. A puppet trick. I do it allllll the time. Because I don't want to talk about how I feel right now. That shit is private. As in really private and only for people I really trust, and not all the time. I'm very good with that. It's why even though I may appear emotional, I am not.

People often mistake intensity (emotional expression) for intimacy (earned trust). They are not NOT the same thing.

It drives me batshit.

I don't like intensity. In fact, I hate it. That super high butterflies, anxious, nervous excitement some people love that happens when they get a crush on someone and they don't know if they are liked back for sure but they do things like express themselves all over someone else and talk about their eeeeeeyyyyyeeees and wanna share deep emotions with them and get all up in each other and be super intense and risk it all? That thing that people go on about being love and stuff?

That is pure hell to me. And to me that's not intimacy. Because the rush is from the emotional risk. That means trust has not been established. That means it's intensity, not intimacy. And I don't do that. I actually hate it. I don't like the way it feels.

So I get rejected a lot from butches who want that Uber romance off the mark thing. Because I won't bring it. I have really, really good boundaries about that. I get called guarded, reserved, ice queen, ice bitch, why don't you lower that wall, etc. because I refuse to engage with that. It's not my thing.

But hang out with me, slowly, be my friend and be playful and relaxed and let me learn about them, talk to me and don't treat me like an instant romance emote-a-thon and when I trust them... My slow, playful, sweet romance side comes out. Like making an e-book about t-rex and a princess and the stupid adventures they have with lots of in jokes to our little dynamic. Or I'll remember exactly the way they take their tea and what kind of beer they like and order it for them before they get to the restaurant. Without them knowing I know or asking me to.

I am not grand gestures or overt displays or public proclamations. I don't like that stuff. I like public hand holding, yes. But I will only do that with very special people. And not someone I've just started dating. And certainly not before we have slept together for a while.

I may be loud, expressive, open about who I am, what I think, what my life has been like, but I am very reserved in other ways. And it pisses quite a few butches off that I've tried to date. This is why I tend to date introverted and rational types. I love how practical they are and they appreciate it in me. And it's a slow, respectful, build of a coal cook fire that burns at low intensity but magnificently warmly, useful and incredible to have sex next to or make a stew on.

I am not fireworks. I don't want them.

I don't need someone to tell me they love me. I know they love me. I'd prefer they showed me they loved me by mowing the lawn.

Yes people dump my ass over it. Yes I get butches coming at me with flowers and proclamations and when I don't swoon or get gooey they get fucked off with me and leave. Yes my feelings get hurt, a lot. And frankly, it's none of their fucking biz if they don't have the ability to stick around and learn me as who I am, instead of who they want.

There are people out there who will appreciate you for your pragmatism, rationality and practicality. I find it an utter relief in others. And slowly, their emotions do come out a little and in ways I can read because I pay the fuck attention and I don't need them to announce it over a bullhorn. I know. Because I know *them*. And that's a very private, warm, close, personal dance. And it's made all the more special because we both get that the other gets to see a bit of that private, quiet part of ourselves.

They are out there

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Gráinne

Hi, all:

As usual, I don't really know how to express myself well in a post I begin, so here goes:

I have a friend who is very much in touch with her feelings and emotions, about everything. She's very good with expressing herself, and is a very sensitive person as well. She has a partner whom I haven't spoken to but who seems much the same way.

I am the opposite, and it's throwing a wrench into our friendship a bit. If she describes a situation and all her different emotions, I tend to come back with "OK, what can you do in this situation?" or "What are your options?". I am not very emotional. I think in terms of actions I can take or choices to make. It's not that I don't have emotions, but I don't express them or speak of them very often. A wall goes up, I think.

We got into a small tiff about this. She got impatient with me and said "I respect that you aren't emotional, Grainne, but I am and I finally accept that part of me. It's also what I think drew *Partner* to me". We smoothed things over, and I think I appreciate her trying to draw out how I feel, and she somewhat appreciates my Spock-like side.

But, the remark about her partner kind of stung. It's not that I dislike who I am-like her, I've come to like myself as I am and I'm not likely to become touchy-feely at this point anyway. It's just not who I am. But I've also not ever really been in love. Is that impossible for someone like me? I fervently hope not. I can see myself getting into a far more intellectual than romantic relationship, and I probably wouldn't do well with a mushy partner anyway. Or am I going to miss out?

Sorry for all this. Maybe I'm just feeling very down and not seeing a lot of good tonight.

I know you've worked this out for yourself already so I won't go on and on but to simply say, no, it's not impossible and you are not going to miss out (unless you make the choice....logical or not....to do so).

You steer the course of your destiny.

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

Edited to add: your friend might be in touch with her feelings, but she was insensitive to yours, and that's not cool.

This.

Just because someone is openly and happily 'emotional' doesn't mean they get to be a jackass to others.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I think that old saying "opposites attract" is more true than not-at least for me.

I have always been attracted to the less emotive type of woman.

I have appreciated my partner's logical, problem-solving personality in our life together.

However, when I am really upset about something that may have happened to me, outside of our relationship; what I want and need is a hug or validation that I am upset.

She, on the other hand, jumps right into problem-solving mode.

I try to tell her that I will look for logic in a bit but right at that moment, I just need a hug.

Sometimes, she looks at me as though I am speaking a foreign language and to her, I guess that I am.

Neither of us can change our core personalities but I do try to understand that she can't turn her logic on and off like a faucet.

She, in turn, works on understanding that my feelings are more on the surface than hers.

We all have feelings, it is just how we deal with them that may be different.

There is no right or wrong.

I got this!

Remind her that MANY studies have shown that physical contact, such as a hug, can reduce anxiety and promote clear headedness and logical thinking.

Problem + hug = logical solution

Done!

Damn, I'm good.



For myself, I flip flop between the two extremes. Sometimes I can see the logical light right off the bat and get to work problem solving and sometimes I need to wallow in the hurt/pain/joy/etc and really get good and dirty with it before I can progress further. It's two different paths to the same drinking pond. The end result is the same; I quench my thirst.

[Tuff Stuff]

I like that term A Spock-Like Side. I have that side of me.Of course i'm not exempt from getting hugs and giving hugs when someone needs a hug..hugs are good.

Let her cry,sometimes she needs to cry...she doesn't want a hug,just needs to be left alone to cry.

Get this one.
"I got a real problem here,I don't want a fuckin'hug".
"Well,FUCK YEAH WOMAN,I'M HERE FOR YOU!! LETS SOLVE THIS PROBLEM!"

[Nat]

There's this theory I've heard about "the tyranny of the frontal lobe." That basically neurotypical people have as part of their frontal lobe function a way to suppress all kinds of things that would be distracting and conceivably life-disrupting that come from other sections of the brain. This one guy got hit in the head just right and was suddenly able to play the piano amazingly well. This is supposedly also what makes some people with autism super-brilliant in one area. And as a person with adhd, I'm sensitive, emotional, always have a million ideas. It's not that I can't be rational and logical - it's just that impulses and ideas and thoughts and huge emotions get in the way and overwhelm me.

You probably are experiencing emotions, but you aren't letting them rule you because your frontal lobe runs a particularly tight ship.

It can be nice to be with someone less emotional. Think Spock/Kirk. Sherlock/Watson. Etc. Being less emotional can be part of what you have to offer, and it may help you make better decisions when choosing whom to pair with. And being alone is awesome too.

Some people do limerance and some don't. That may be what you are thinking of with "falling in love." I have a friend who doesn't do limerance, and I have seen her fall pretty hard a time or two. It just takes more time and familiarity and trust and fun together to get there. She described it once as: "when I meet you, you have $0 in my emotional bank, but over time the account grows up based on our interactions. But people who do limerance start out with a million dollars in their emotional bank account for a person they are interested in, and then start deducting from it each time they are disappointed."

I'm capable of limerance - I feel all the feels. I think it's probably equivalent to new relationship energy (NRE). But actual love for a person grows (I believe) over time. Actual love allows people to be seen as humans and still accepted. Limerance puts people on impossibly high pedestals that they can do nothing but fall from. If it's a good match, then ideally the love builds as the limerance fades, and it's a smooth transition. But if it's not a good match, the limerance may fade and the people involved are left with nothing. My understanding is that the quickest way to kill limerance is if something happens or is discovered that makes the person experiencing limerance stop respecting the object of their limerance, then it can end fairly suddenly and without warning.

It's like the difference between ionic and covalent bonds. Ionic bonds are formed when unbalanced molecules (ions), due to their imbalance, have a superstrong attraction that sort of locks them hard and fast together. But they will separate in water (metaphorically: life). Covalent bonds occur when molecules are (more) balanced and fine on their own to begin with, and their bond is less dramatic but more sturdy and less easily torn asunder. I'm not a chemistry person, so Don't take these for awesome explanations, but they make some sense to me.

Also, I personally am a spiritual person and believe in things like reincarnation and karmic relationships and soulmates. The people I have met that have felt spiritually connected and destined have been rare, and their beginnings have not been highly emotional but rather it has felt like a calm knowing and a little *click* going off in the brain.

It will be interesting to see how that relationship turns out long-term. Nothing makes me less emotional than being around another highly emotional person, and I feel much more free to have emotions when I'm with a more emotionally reserved person. Everybody having all of the emotions sounds like chaos.

[girl_dee]

i have been accused of being unromantic and incapable of intimacy because i am a less tactile human being.

Its not true, because once i am comfy, i am very touchy feely. If i am not comfy, you won't get me on any physical level