The Psychology of Online Dating

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by knight

The psychology of online dating
Face to face dating in general can be very positive, difficult, exciting, disappointing and at times energy consuming. Add online to the mix and you have a variety of factors to add to the list above. I speak here only from experience and opinion. I claim not, that I am an expert of any kind, I am only feeling my way through the experience just like everyone else.
Regardless of identity, most human beings experience dating at one time or another in their lives. There seems to be this interesting stigma (again I speak only from experience) when it comes to dating in the Butch/Femme world.
Again regardless of preferences within the dynamic of Butch/Femme… dating seems to be an “ugly” word. My approach to dating is simple, is to try to connect with people of like interest. If I find myself in a position where I simply lack capacity for investing time in a serious relationship I am very transparent and forth coming about it. When I feel completely open to the idea of a serious relationship, it starts with dating.
I have had the great pleasure of dating amazing women online and truly enjoyed the exchange that we had. I am sometimes baffled by the opinions that I hear of individuals like me. Dating someone is not a marriage certificate, it is simply dating. My approach to dating or choosing a partner has never come from a scarcity model. We all have a lot to offer, and one should simply never settle just because we think this is as good as it gets. The dating pool is a large pool, it’s not this desperate place where one feels that they have to attach to the first person that gives them attention.
I think the process of dating allows you to know the individual, and not just go on the initial infatuation. Deciding to end or continue dating is a big decision that requires a lot of care. Having to decide that an individual that you are dating is simply not going to work out is always difficult and disappointing. A lot of energy and time are spent while dating someone, emotions as well as intimacy have been shared. But to put it simply, regardless of the pain, the loss and the disappointment, isn’t this why we actually date people instead of marry them from hello?
Dating is an exchange, both individuals gain from the experience and if it does not work out, they both feel the loss.
I would love to have a dialogue with others on this topic, so what is your psychology on online dating?

i don't agree with our dating pool being a large pool. i feel it's small in the grand scheme of things. Being an invisible femme, i feel its quite small. This is a forum where we gather, and we can get to know each other. There is no place else i can go and be among the BF community.

i do think in any situation its best to cut your losses before continuing if it's "just not working out".

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i don't agree with our dating pool being a large pool. i feel it's small in the grand scheme of things. Being an invisible femme, i feel its quite small. This is a forum where we gather, and we can get to know each other. There is no place else i can go and be among the BF community.

i do think in any situation its best to cut your losses before continuing if it's "just not working out".

I agree. My dating pool is not large. As my profile states I am a Dominant Stone Butch Daddy, so just finding someone who complements me on these fundamental aspects alone cuts my dating pool way way down down and that is just for starters.

Also, I live in a town of 600 people in a remote area where the closest cities of any size are 4 to 5 hours away.

However that doesn't mean I operate from a scarcity mindset. I have spent long stretches of my adult life single and always take plenty of time in between serious relationships - usually years. I also know from past experience that it is much better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship or one that is not right for me. I live alone and the closest person to me is a good friend who is 4 hours away. I am very self sufficient. So although my dating pool is small I'm fine with that and will only date or be in a relationship that is right for me.

[kittygrrl]

When I have been single I consider real time and online dating perfectly equal and well worth the time and attention you decide to give it. If you meet someone interesting online I don't believe there is so much difference in what you may know....you either find the information you discover intriguing and have fun finding out more or you find you don't have much in common (your choice, with no worry)...Online may be more preferable because certain qualities you are looking for may be more easily understood...If you are a visual person-you may find it frustrating not to tangibly touch the person you are dating....so this medium would not be your cup of tea.

For me personally, I've always found online meeting ever so much more intriguing and interesting...Touching you tangibly would only excite me if you had already turned on my mind..I prefer to take my time and know well in advance if, when and where I want to go there...

[Princess]

Online dating has always been a part of my world. I have met some amazing partners through this medium. Still today, they are a huge part of my everyday world. For me, the dating pool is tiny. Our community here is seemingly non-existent these days. So, if I find someone online who peaks interest I am always willing to put in the time.
I can definitely understand why it wouldn't be someone's cup of tea. It definitely isn't for everyone. I think, there is something to be said for getting to know someone without the immediate physicality of it. The long talks and conversations build a connection that, for me has to exist before anything else. I also think there is something to be said about waiting to meet. The leading up to that point, the longing, there is a romantic aspect to that.
Technology has come a long way since I first started online. Being able to peek in to someone's world at any time tends to help a lot.
Now I am just rambling lol! Subscribing. Love the thread!

[*Anya*]

I only dated someone long distance once. I have nothing negative to say about the experience.

It only lasted a short time but distance was only a part of it. No regrets.

I learned enough to know that a ldr is not for me but totally understand how it can work for others.

After that, I absolutely used an online dating site.

I only dated locally. (I will only date locally again).

My recent longer-term ex was 18 miles from me. I really loved it. I enjoyed the easy planning for dates, the spur-of-the-minute dates, "would you like to go to the beach for lunch today? I can pick you up in an hour". Oh yes!

For me, there is no real psychology in online dating other than: honesty and more honesty; being my real, true self with all of the good and bad; ensure that I write an accurate profile because anything not true will be pretty obvious darn quickly; be truthful, too; if there is no chemistry and you know fairly quickly that it is not going to develop.

I have written before that with my recent ex, I did not read her profile carefully enough. She clearly wrote all of the sports and activities she enjoyed but I first of all, was besotted by the handsome butchness of her picture and secondly, the very best behavior that she reflected when we began to date.

She had not written that she expected me to participate in her love of sports or I may have passed.

Who knows? We can always do Monday-morning quarterbacking after a relationship ends.

I should have done more in the beginning but did not. I spent just under 4 years with her and though I moved out last October; I still have not felt ready to date again yet. It takes me a long time to heal and to feel ready to open my heart again. That is just how I am.

By the time I am ready to date again, hopefully, I will have learned from it and will again avail myself of online dating from an identified online dating site.

Online dating sites are the only places that I have found, that I can sort out the butches from the femmes more easily. Speaking of that: I even put in my profile that I was attracted to butch lesbians and I still had femmes respond. Femmes will always be my best friends but I just do not feel attracted to women that look just like me.

Yin and yang, you know!

A final note: I am also struggling with how I would include that I now have physical health challenges that I did not have when I last dated. Do you include that in your profile? Do you tell someone on the first date? Do you wait until you have had a couple of dates? I am at a loss with this one.

[knight]

I wanted to use a broad term like psychology here because I was interested in the broad perspective of people's philosophy and behaviour towards the concept of dating. Conduct which is governed by ethics, morals and values is certainly part of the general psychology/philosophy to the approach of dating. Thank you for your input.

Originally Posted by *Anya*

I only dated someone long distance once. I have nothing negative to say about the experience.

It only lasted a short time but distance was only a part of it. No regrets.

I learned enough to know that a ldr is not for me but totally understand how it can work for others.

After that, I absolutely used an online dating site.

I only dated locally. (I will only date locally again).

My recent longer-term ex was 18 miles from me. I really loved it. I enjoyed the easy planning for dates, the spur-of-the-minute dates, "would you like to go to the beach for lunch today? I can pick you up in an hour". Oh yes!

For me, there is no real psychology in online dating other than: honesty and more honesty; being my real, true self with all of the good and bad; ensure that I write an accurate profile because anything not true will be pretty obvious darn quickly; be truthful, too; if there is no chemistry and you know fairly quickly that it is not going to develop.

I have written before that with my recent ex, I did not read her profile carefully enough. She clearly wrote all of the sports and activities she enjoyed but I first of all, was besotted by the handsome butchness of her picture and secondly, the very best behavior that she reflected when we began to date.

She had not written that she expected me to participate in her love of sports or I may have passed.

Who knows? We can always do Monday-morning quarterbacking after a relationship ends.

I should have done more in the beginning but did not. I spent just under 4 years with her and though I moved out last October; I still have not felt ready to date again yet. It takes me a long time to heal and to feel ready to open my heart again. That is just how I am.

By the time I am ready to date again, hopefully, I will have learned from it and will again avail myself of online dating from an identified online dating site.

Online dating sites are the only places that I have found, that I can sort out the butches from the femmes more easily. Speaking of that: I even put in my profile that I was attracted to butch lesbians and I still had femmes respond. Femmes will always be my best friends but I just do not feel attracted to women that look just like me.

Yin and yang, you know!

A final note: I am also struggling with how I would include that I now have physical health challenges that I did not have when I last dated. Do you include that in your profile? Do you tell someone on the first date? Do you wait until you have had a couple of dates? I am at a loss with this one.

[kassykit]

I will say that I have dated online for years. Part of my reason for this is I am not very confident in my real life. I also work at a major University in the bible belt!

In my real life I have to put on a mask of self-assurance, calm, and being in control. I hide behind various defense mechanisms to keep the real me from those who would hurt me.

I am a submissive woman. I am attracted to women. I do not care if a woman is butch, femme, or anywhere on that spectrum. I work in a job where I have to appear dominant. I have to be strict. I could never even hint that I am malleable, bendable, and well that i like my partner to "take control." It simply would not be appropriate.

Secretly I crave to find the one woman who doesn't mind my being on my knees so to speak. Someone who is comfortable being the dominant partner in the relationship. Someone who knows the difference between being in charge and being an abusive asshole. (If that makes any sense). So by dating a person online first I can get to know them, well at least the picture they paint of themselves.

I am not a skinny girl. People have told me I am pretty but well I rarely feel that way. I am awkward, introverted, and caring. The face I show to the world is none of those things. I play the role of extroverted PhD Candidate pretty darn well, and I hate it.

Does anyone else just crave for a place, a person that they can just be the person they are on the inside? Here, online, at least I can in the smallest bit. Yes, my ultimate dream is to find myself a partner who is dominant, self-assured, and secure in herself (or if preferring male pronouns, himself).

[knight]

In my case the pool is large mostly to the fact that i live in a very open mostly pansexual town, and i present very masculine.
You are right about it being smaller due to femme invisibility, I totally see that. I think many factors play here, especially visibility and community Thank you for that comment.

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i don't agree with our dating pool being a large pool. i feel it's small in the grand scheme of things. Being an invisible femme, i feel its quite small. This is a forum where we gather, and we can get to know each other. There is no place else i can go and be among the BF community.

i do think in any situation its best to cut your losses before continuing if it's "just not working out".