The Psychology of Online Dating

[clay]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

I certainly wouldn't rule out dating a person who battles depression or PTSD, or has other less serious mental health challenges, but I'm DONE with dating dangerously disordered people! Unfortunately I seem to have had a blind spot for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Both of the women I dated who I had initially met online seem to be grievously afflicted with that disorder. I won't be falling for that one again. There were a few cues I should have heeded in both cases.

The first red flag for the first one should have been when she spent far too many pixels beating her breast while declaiming her honor. That's usually a sign that a person is deficient in that category. She turned out to be a dirt-bag liar, of course. She also changed gears instantly from charming to monstrous the last two dates when we saw each other face to face, which seems to be one of the signature moves of a person with BPD. There were other signs, but we didn't have enough in-person encounters for me to experience the full weight of her mental illness. Thank the Goddess.

In the second case I definitely should have noticed that the butch in question was, according to her, always the completely innocent victim of everyone with whom she had ever been in conflict. That's usually the sign of a person unwilling to take responsibility for themselves. I should have noticed that. She also cried. A LOT. Which left me in a difficult position. I was deeply uncomfortable with her far too frequent tears, but as a feminist I would NEVER have questioned tears shed by a masculine person. That won't happen again. And she, too, changed from pleasant to dangerous in a heartbeat. I experienced her violence once and I fled. I cut off all contact just as I had with the previous BPD butch, but I spooked myself. How could I have been so blind?

Since BPD isn't that easy to spot even in person, and since I seem to find those losers without trying, I'm no longer putting myself at risk with online encounters.

Thanks for this post Cheryl!

I certainly can resonate with most of it. I have had past relationships with BPD & it is very difficult to know right off. My issue is when one doesn't "own their own stuff" & tries to blame everyone else . I have ended relationships when my gut was telling me to do so. A few years ago I was tangled up with an alcoholic who also had BPD and issues with being truthful. I found I always made excuses for her behavior until I finally saw things were not going to change nor would she own her own stuff. BTW she is not on this site and never was!

With that said, like you, Cheryl, I am done with online & LDR's for a lot of reasons. It is just too difficult to maintain. From now on I am & will date only locally! I applaud those who are in them!

I know LDR's & online can & do work, but has to be with both on same page! I have seen some really incredibly loving relationships like this that work. It just isn't for me

[MsTinkerbelly]

There are a lot of users on-line who want to move in with you right after they meet you, want you to put them on your phone plan, want you to buy things with your credit....on-line daters need to be aware that not everyone has good motives.

Luckily I never came across one myself, but I have heard of others who weren't as fortunate.

[hopelessromantic69]

I have to say for myself I have been pretty lucky with my relationships that started online. I had only one that was a disaster. She moved in with me while I was living in Seattle. After two weeks I was done then it got really interesting. She attacked me while I was in the bath tub. I was calling 911 and she started scratching me trying to get my phone away. The Seattle police were going to arrest her but I just wanted her gone. I went and took money out for her to drive back home the next day. I had to have two of my friends sit down the road while she packed up in case she decided not to leave. That left me reeling for a while. That was the first time I had to deal with crazy.

You learn through each online relationship, what you will and will not except. I feel how it's defined is between the two people involved. I think people that cat fish others gives it a nagative undertone.

Thank you to all the people that have opened up on here about their experiences and lessons learned.