Healing from Heartbreak

[TempestuousFemme]

I lost my partner of 14 years 4 short months ago. Some days I'm OK, some days not so much. I've finally begun the process of packing up her things. The first step was giving away her oxygen equipment, and I'm glad I did. It went to someone who really needed it. Last Friday was her medicine. Today her boxers, t-shirts, socks, and shoes. I'm a mess right now. I scream at her, I cry, and sit on the back porch at night smoking too many cigarettes, trying not to feel guilty for all the things I did or didn't do. She was so sick and I spent years taking care of her. The last 2 weeks I was terrified if Ieft the house I was going to come home and find her dead. I spent 2 days sitting by her bedside, dissolving Ativan and Morphine in a spoon every 4 hours. I was not in the room when she took her last breath. I came in to give her her morphine, and she wasn't breathing anymore but still warm. I don't know how I stayed sane those first two months. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and expect her to be in the kitchen watching TV. It's heartbreaking, all of it. I hate it. She gave me a gift. I now no longer have to take care of everything. All I have is me. Here I am trying to find my way in the world without her. God I miss her so much. How does one move on, how long before it gets bearable, how many times do I have to cry every time I have to pack something of hers away? I just don't know..

[Chad]

Originally Posted by TempestuousFemme

I lost my partner of 14 years 4 short months ago. Some days I'm OK, some days not so much. I've finally begun the process of packing up her things. The first step was giving away her oxygen equipment, and I'm glad I did. It went to someone who really needed it. Last Friday was her medicine. Today her boxers, t-shirts, socks, and shoes. I'm a mess right now. I scream at her, I cry, and sit on the back porch at night smoking too many cigarettes, trying not to feel guilty for all the things I did or didn't do. She was so sick and I spent years taking care of her. The last 2 weeks I was terrified if Ieft the house I was going to come home and find her dead. I spent 2 days sitting by her bedside, dissolving Ativan and Morphine in a spoon every 4 hours. I was not in the room when she took her last breath. I came in to give her her morphine, and she wasn't breathing anymore but still warm. I don't know how I stayed sane those first two months. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and expect her to be in the kitchen watching TV. It's heartbreaking, all of it. I hate it. She gave me a gift. I now no longer have to take care of everything. All I have is me. Here I am trying to find my way in the world without her. God I miss her so much. How does one move on, how long before it gets bearable, how many times do I have to cry every time I have to pack something of hers away? I just don't know..

I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Chad

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by TempestuousFemme

I lost my partner of 14 years 4 short months ago. Some days I'm OK, some days not so much. I've finally begun the process of packing up her things. The first step was giving away her oxygen equipment, and I'm glad I did. It went to someone who really needed it. Last Friday was her medicine. Today her boxers, t-shirts, socks, and shoes. I'm a mess right now. I scream at her, I cry, and sit on the back porch at night smoking too many cigarettes, trying not to feel guilty for all the things I did or didn't do. She was so sick and I spent years taking care of her. The last 2 weeks I was terrified if Ieft the house I was going to come home and find her dead. I spent 2 days sitting by her bedside, dissolving Ativan and Morphine in a spoon every 4 hours. I was not in the room when she took her last breath. I came in to give her her morphine, and she wasn't breathing anymore but still warm. I don't know how I stayed sane those first two months. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and expect her to be in the kitchen watching TV. It's heartbreaking, all of it. I hate it. She gave me a gift. I now no longer have to take care of everything. All I have is me. Here I am trying to find my way in the world without her. God I miss her so much. How does one move on, how long before it gets bearable, how many times do I have to cry every time I have to pack something of hers away? I just don't know..

I found that when I lost M I fell into the bottle real bad for almist a year. I don't drink now. The things that triggered me about her death that I was finally able to set them aside to deal with her being gone. Now her parents came in and cleaned out the place while at work. Then I was pissed but now I wish I could thank them for the pain they saved me from. It kept me from being able to get closure also but I have it now.

For some destructive behavior is easier then putting on the brave face.

May you find the peace soon I know she would want yiu to have.

[TempestuousFemme]

I tried so hard to get her to have me listed as having power of attorney, but it was a fight just to get her to sign up for hospice. Her sister died two months previously, her mom is in a dementia care facility, and next of kin is her niece. She came down from Washington to help me and pick up paperwork for S's 401k, and sign permission for me to take her ashes and get a copy of the death certificate. I was terrified she was going to take everything from me. Luckily she's her mother's daughter and was amazing and kind. The only issue I have is S's truck is sitting and rotting in the driveway and I need her to sign the pink slip over to me to sell it. I also need it to register it again. She hasn't answered me! I guess next step is to find the pink slip.. I so don't want to look through her stuff. So frustrated at this point I want her truck out of the driveway it's hard to see it every day.