Ask a trans person!

[AmazonDC]

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

DaddyChrisCo - thank you for your response, it is appreciated, but my dilemma was more to do with what if I cannot tell if they are FTM? If they are FTM, then I need to politely decline the pass. If they are not, then we're all good. If they're FTM, then being pre or postop has no bearing on it - I would not be interested in dating them to avoid unecessary heartbreak for both of us. I'm very glad that you have a loving partner!

All you can do is have a conversation with them.. simply ask if they are from and just tell them you mean no harm and let them know your preferance..honesty and being upfront is always the answer

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by DaddyChrisCo

All you can do is have a conversation with them.. simply ask if they are from and just tell them you mean no harm and let them know your preferance..honesty and being upfront is always the answer

Yes.

Esme, nha Maire,

Yes, it is completely appropriate (and most likely appreciated) to ask those questions. In places where you find butch,femme, and trans identifying people, gender is talked about a lot. Part of that is because people are figuring out for themselves who they are as it relates to gender. On top of that is figuring out who you are attracted to! Therefore, it is common, very common, expected really, that soon in one would ask how the person identifies. You hear a lot more variance in butches than you do in femmes. I think that part of that is because one slides along the gender continuum with butches in the way that you don't (as often), with femmes.

It sounds like you are interested in a female identified butch. You may only be interested in a female identified and woman identified butch (who most likely identifies as a lesbian).

Too, I think it would be prudent to ask any butch presenting female bodied person if they have ever considered transitioning. If they say, yes they have, you might want to take pause. Like you said, no reason to start going down a road that leads to only heartbreak. I am with you.

Prior to transitioning I identified as a Stone Butch. Which, for me, meant no sexual contact with my chest or genitals in the bedroom. I also did not identify as a woman. I dated queer stone femmes. The queer stone femmes I dated didn't want to touch my chest or "junk" any more than I wanted them to. They didn't see themselves as a lesbian because they had no interest in interacting with a female chest or genitals. I didn't view myself as a lesbian because I wasn't a woman. So it all worked out!

Anyway, know what you want, and make sure that both the person's gender identity and their sexual preferences are a match for you. It is pretty common to find butch/femme folks involved in kink or BDSM.

Good luck!