The Femme Continuum: The "Highs" and "Lows" of Visibility

MsTinkerbelly · 09-01-2017, 09:22 AM

I was thinking of this last night while I was awake at 3am...

I see a masculine leaning woman, and I wonder if she is gay. I see a feminine leaning woman and I NEVER wonder if she is gay. Is that because I am only attracted to butches and transmen, or is it because I am conditioned to see gender in only two ways? In my head, are people EITHER male or female without shades of gray?

Omg I never thought I had such a narrow view of gender. Maybe this is why the general public misses us (femmes), even if we drape ourselves in rainbows?

Femmewench · 09-01-2017, 12:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I was thinking of this last night while I was awake at 3am...

I see a masculine leaning woman, and I wonder if she is gay. I see a feminine leaning woman and I NEVER wonder if she is gay. Is that because I am only attracted to butches and transmen, or is it because I am conditioned to see gender in only two ways? In my head, are people EITHER male or female without shades of gray?

Omg I never thought I had such a narrow view of gender. Maybe this is why the general public misses us (femmes), even if we drape ourselves in rainbows?

I think we have the same problem butches do in identifying femmes at a glance. It's got nothing to do with gender for me. If she's a femme attracted to femmes and she were to be attracted to me, I'd make the gay id were I aware of her attraction. Or if she's a femme attracted to androgynous or butch folks, I'd make the gay id. Without some context, I'm lost.

And when I see a masculine leaning woman, I assume she's gay. I just operate on, until I learn otherwise, she's gay. It makes me happy. And I reread that and realized that's what straight people do; until they learn otherwise, they assume all femmes are straight. I'm making my own head hurt.

I'm never going to be perfect and do the best I can. I hope I overlook no one, but I do think we need a secret symbol of some kind that's not rainbow. Rainbow clashes with a lot of my clothes. <g>

girl_dee · 03-12-2018, 05:58 PM

SNIP:

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

I see a masculine leaning woman, and I wonder if she is gay. I see a feminine leaning woman and I NEVER wonder if she is gay. I

This is an interesting comment. We are definitely invisible among each other.

Unless we are physically present with a butch, there is no way we femmes, butches or anyone else could know.

Signmypapyrus · 03-12-2018, 06:21 PM

I present in various ways— sometimes very femme and sometimes (like right now), not at all. One way I’m not femme at all is I like to do shit on my own and I like it that way. This may be why I don’t like super masculine butches, but rather women who are lesbians and can wear a feminine suit or even something more feminine.

To speak more candidly, I know a number of fellow femmes who feel erased, especially if they date other femmes. I think it speaks to the culture.

I’m on my phone so I can’t write more.

girl_dee · 03-12-2018, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Signmypapyrus

I present in various ways— sometimes very femme and sometimes (like right now), not at all. One way I’m not femme at all is I like to do shit on my own and I like it that way. This may be why I don’t like super masculine butches, but rather women who are lesbians and can wear a feminine suit or even something more feminine.

To speak more candidly, I know a number of fellow femmes who feel erased, especially if they date other femmes. I think it speaks to the culture.

I’m on my phone so I can’t write more.

i do shit on my own and i am every bit a femme. Why just today i changed my own windshield wipers!

Being femme doesn’t mean you can’t do shit does it i think many butches prefer a more self sufficient femme. Of course there are those who need to be validated and gravitate before a damsel in distress, but that’s not my thing.

i have dated feminine women, (i don’t know if they ID as femme) and i’ve always been a femme.

i am sad that any femme feels erased in any way

Signmypapyrus · 03-16-2018, 07:07 PM

Thanks for the comment, Dee!

Gemme · 03-16-2018, 07:18 PM

Femme is not what you can do or what you do do but who you are. It's intrinsic to one's soul and self.

Now that that is settled, I always wonder who is and who is not family and who I do or do not wish to be family. Bad behavior always gets an 'oh, please no'.

It's a bit difficult here and most of the states I've lived in because there's always a lot of flannel, regardless of identity.

03-12-2018, 06:21 PM	#4
Signmypapyrus Junior Member How Do You Identify?: * Preferred Pronoun?: * Join Date: Mar 2018 Location: * Posts: 66 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 59 Thanked 181 Times in 53 Posts Rep Power: 1675671	I present in various ways— sometimes very femme and sometimes (like right now), not at all. One way I’m not femme at all is I like to do shit on my own and I like it that way. This may be why I don’t like super masculine butches, but rather women who are lesbians and can wear a feminine suit or even something more feminine. To speak more candidly, I know a number of fellow femmes who feel erased, especially if they date other femmes. I think it speaks to the culture. I’m on my phone so I can’t write more. __________________ “(I)f we are going to be kind, let it be out of simple generosity, not because we fear guilt or retribution.” --from Disgrace by JM Coetzee

03-16-2018, 07:07 PM	#6
Signmypapyrus Junior Member How Do You Identify?: * Preferred Pronoun?: * Join Date: Mar 2018 Location: * Posts: 66 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 59 Thanked 181 Times in 53 Posts Rep Power: 1675671	Thanks for the comment, Dee! __________________ “(I)f we are going to be kind, let it be out of simple generosity, not because we fear guilt or retribution.” --from Disgrace by JM Coetzee

03-16-2018, 07:18 PM	#7
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,925 Times in 25,666 Posts Rep Power: 21474887	Femme is not what you can do or what you do do but who you are. It's intrinsic to one's soul and self. Now that that is settled, I always wonder who is and who is not family and who I do or do not wish to be family. Bad behavior always gets an 'oh, please no'. It's a bit difficult here and most of the states I've lived in because there's always a lot of flannel, regardless of identity. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

09-01-2017, 09:22 AM	#1
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,901 Times in 5,017 Posts Rep Power: 0	I was thinking of this last night while I was awake at 3am... I see a masculine leaning woman, and I wonder if she is gay. I see a feminine leaning woman and I NEVER wonder if she is gay. Is that because I am only attracted to butches and transmen, or is it because I am conditioned to see gender in only two ways? In my head, are people EITHER male or female without shades of gray? Omg I never thought I had such a narrow view of gender. Maybe this is why the general public misses us (femmes), even if we drape ourselves in rainbows?