Setting the bar high?

MsTinkerbelly · 09-22-2017, 07:14 PM

In my 20's the bar was set...well fuck the bar, if you breathed you got a date.

No job?
No car?
No future plans?

Come to me baby!

I had a lot of relationships where I was taken advantage of for money, cars, a place to stay...well I let them, so were they really bad?

So, I decided that I had a minimum of who I would date:

Real job
Car or got around without my help
Money to treat me out every so often
Future goals (real attainable goals)
Someone who could communicate their problems
Someone who fought "clean"
Someone who wanted to work at having it all, and they wanted it with me.

When I say someone who fights "clean", I mean no name calling, no bringing up old garbage, and absolutely no physical violence of any form.

I got married at 30 to a wonderful man who had every one of those qualities, but I "came out" and there you go. Not once in the 16 years we have been divorced did he say anything negative to me, or to my child about me.

My Kasey meets all of those criteria, and more.

The only time I broke those rules was someone I met on another site ( person not on this site) who had no car, had no job, basically had no home, and wanted to move in with me and my child. I dated for a bit, but quickly gave them the boot.

Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, pain meds make me loopy.

Medusa · 09-22-2017, 08:55 PM

God, I have so much to say about this but I don't even know where to start.

I'll apologize in advance because this will probably be a jumbled mess and I'm also trying to be careful and respectful of my own history.

So, setting the bar high.
I used to believe when I was much younger that setting the bar high meant you demanded a certain level of respect and that it would look the same in every relationship. I guess it IS true for me on some level because I do want the basic respect of treating me nicely, honesty, and hearing me out on my opinions if we disagree but fuck, that comes in friendships too so it feels like a baseline for basic human interaction.

I'll say this, as I've gotten older and been through some shit I now think of "setting the bar high" as maintaining a set of boundaries that are just completely non-negotiable at this stage in my life.

Is it necessary to set the bar high i.e. maintain boundaries? HELL YES.
Otherwise, who am I at my core? A person who is just a fucking doormat who won't speak up when someone shits all over me? A person who just accepts whatever bad behavior that my love interest wants to throw my way? A person who feels responsible for allowing other people to work out their damage at my expense? Nope. Nuh uh. Not this girl.

I have learned better boundaries and what a higher bar looks like in every relationship I've been in and thankfully, nine times out of ten I've also learned how to ask for what I WANT versus knowing what I DON'T WANT.

Knowing what I don't want has gotten easier with time and relationships. I don't want to be partnered to a person who lives in constant negativity. I don't want to be with an addict. I don't want to be with someone who is mean-hearted or ignorant. I don't want to be with someone who is emotionally dishonest. Those were things that I didn't know were "Hell No's" for me when I was younger. My bar was set pretty low at "Do they like me?" and "Do I enjoy being around them?"...and that's all self-worth shit at play. Me thinking I didn't get to want better for myself.

But now at the age of 41, I'm all "this is what I want". I WANT a person with a wide-open heart even if it carries the scars of relationships past. I WANT a person who is committed to living a healthy, non-addicted lifestyle. I WANT a person who knows my value and who doesn't want to change me but who also will expect me to be my best. I WANT a person who will pull their weight. I WANT a person who is as horrified by abusive, manipulative behavior as I am. I WANT a person who not only understands my quirks but who embraces them (because I'm the girl wearing a unicorn horn or a tiara while I clean the house because it makes me feel more magical and makes for easier work!)
And I KNOW I deserve all of that because I am a hell of a catch, a hell of a good-ass woman, and a fine, healthy, sexy, smoldering Femme with a brain you could die in and a mouth you could bathe in. (this is me knowing my value, and it's not without a hard-fought battle)

And thankfully I've learned my lessons and done my work and have been rewarded with magical, healthy, abiding, substantial, sturdy, soul-shattering love.

So, is it worth it to make boundaries and set your bar high? HELL YES.

09-22-2017, 08:55 PM	#2
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,677 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000026	God, I have so much to say about this but I don't even know where to start. I'll apologize in advance because this will probably be a jumbled mess and I'm also trying to be careful and respectful of my own history. So, setting the bar high. I used to believe when I was much younger that setting the bar high meant you demanded a certain level of respect and that it would look the same in every relationship. I guess it IS true for me on some level because I do want the basic respect of treating me nicely, honesty, and hearing me out on my opinions if we disagree but fuck, that comes in friendships too so it feels like a baseline for basic human interaction. I'll say this, as I've gotten older and been through some shit I now think of "setting the bar high" as maintaining a set of boundaries that are just completely non-negotiable at this stage in my life. Is it necessary to set the bar high i.e. maintain boundaries? HELL YES. Otherwise, who am I at my core? A person who is just a fucking doormat who won't speak up when someone shits all over me? A person who just accepts whatever bad behavior that my love interest wants to throw my way? A person who feels responsible for allowing other people to work out their damage at my expense? Nope. Nuh uh. Not this girl. I have learned better boundaries and what a higher bar looks like in every relationship I've been in and thankfully, nine times out of ten I've also learned how to ask for what I WANT versus knowing what I DON'T WANT. Knowing what I don't want has gotten easier with time and relationships. I don't want to be partnered to a person who lives in constant negativity. I don't want to be with an addict. I don't want to be with someone who is mean-hearted or ignorant. I don't want to be with someone who is emotionally dishonest. Those were things that I didn't know were "Hell No's" for me when I was younger. My bar was set pretty low at "Do they like me?" and "Do I enjoy being around them?"...and that's all self-worth shit at play. Me thinking I didn't get to want better for myself. But now at the age of 41, I'm all "this is what I want". I WANT a person with a wide-open heart even if it carries the scars of relationships past. I WANT a person who is committed to living a healthy, non-addicted lifestyle. I WANT a person who knows my value and who doesn't want to change me but who also will expect me to be my best. I WANT a person who will pull their weight. I WANT a person who is as horrified by abusive, manipulative behavior as I am. I WANT a person who not only understands my quirks but who embraces them (because I'm the girl wearing a unicorn horn or a tiara while I clean the house because it makes me feel more magical and makes for easier work!) And I KNOW I deserve all of that because I am a hell of a catch, a hell of a good-ass woman, and a fine, healthy, sexy, smoldering Femme with a brain you could die in and a mouth you could bathe in. (this is me knowing my value, and it's not without a hard-fought battle) And thankfully I've learned my lessons and done my work and have been rewarded with magical, healthy, abiding, substantial, sturdy, soul-shattering love. So, is it worth it to make boundaries and set your bar high? HELL YES. __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch Last edited by Medusa; 09-22-2017 at 08:57 PM.

09-22-2017, 07:14 PM	#1
MsTinkerbelly Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: ... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 6,573 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,737 Thanked 22,896 Times in 5,017 Posts Rep Power: 0	In my 20's the bar was set...well fuck the bar, if you breathed you got a date. No job? No car? No future plans? Come to me baby! I had a lot of relationships where I was taken advantage of for money, cars, a place to stay...well I let them, so were they really bad? So, I decided that I had a minimum of who I would date: Real job Car or got around without my help Money to treat me out every so often Future goals (real attainable goals) Someone who could communicate their problems Someone who fought "clean" Someone who wanted to work at having it all, and they wanted it with me. When I say someone who fights "clean", I mean no name calling, no bringing up old garbage, and absolutely no physical violence of any form. I got married at 30 to a wonderful man who had every one of those qualities, but I "came out" and there you go. Not once in the 16 years we have been divorced did he say anything negative to me, or to my child about me. My Kasey meets all of those criteria, and more. The only time I broke those rules was someone I met on another site ( person not on this site) who had no car, had no job, basically had no home, and wanted to move in with me and my child. I dated for a bit, but quickly gave them the boot. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed, pain meds make me loopy.