Setting the bar high?

[imperfect_cupcake]

yeah, I did respond to those questions but I think you just brought up a different and really good point - expectations and lasting relationships.

I think I have changed my "game" altogether. I am not presently in the game because I have other shit to finish with, not because I don't wanna have a toe in.

When I get finished with that stuff, yeah, I'll be open to accepting offers. But my expectations and my entire game has changed. I no longer expect an escalator relationship. That means, I no longer expect me and A will meet, talk, date, start seeing each other, fall in love, make a promise to each other, move in, raise a dog and go on vacations together.

Or hower people have gradual progressive expectations of intimate relationships. I sincerely don't expect mine will last my lifetime. I don't believe that is the statistical average. I think it's extremely rare. So, I don't think it's healthy for me to expect that. I think it sets me up to expect promises that can't be properly kept although sincerely made, and for others to fail on their delivery. It sets up a feeling of failure in my relationships. I think it's unfair and hurtful, those expectations, for me and the other person. So, that's not the game I play anymore, nor is it a bar I am trying to jump over.

That does not mean I don't expect someone's respect, care, loyalty, honesty, and to work at building trust, companionship, and true friendship. I totally expect that. But no, I don't expect the romance and sex to last my lifetime. If it does, that would be awesome.

That also means my A-game - as you put it - with myself has changed completely. What my *self* expectations are are quite different. because I do not expect someone to be there for the rest of my life.

That means I have to be there for me. And it makes accepting other people's ability to only stay three years, five years, or seven years, or nine years a lot easier. Because I have *my* housing sorted out, *my* career sorted, *my* RRSP plans, *my* insurance premiums being paid, *my* friends I love, *my* local community, *my* education plans. So whether someone loves me romantically or not, that is all still there. Nothing falls apart if we decide it's changing to a friendship, or they move to Denmark, or they decide they want to suddenly get monogamously married to my co-worker (seriously, at this point in my life, that wouldn't even surprise me).

So, I have changed my own bar for me. My expectations on what I do, for me.

My first and most important lasting relationship will always be with me. I have to start acting like that's true by taking care of *me* first, by making sure *my* needs are met before I even think of trying to enter into dating again. I don't want to be dating because I'm trying to find security, or affirmation, or stave off loneliness.

So I suppose that's setting my own bar, for me, quite high. and in doing that, I hope to keep certain expectations of certain things from others, low. I still expect honesty, care, companionship. I just don't expect a specific length of time... because how long is a piece of string?

I know that's also not a popular take. I know things that are ok with me are usually deal breakers with others - shag who you want, I don't expect forever, we won't be living together, and I sure as fuck ain't doing your laundry.

But if I like you, it will be utterly sincere, there won't be games, I'm blunt as hell so you'll never have to guess, I'm generous, I'll make you laugh, I'm loyal, and I'll never pressure you. Your decisions will always be yours. I will always respect your privacy. And if you need to talk to me, I will put the friendship between us first, before the romance, always. That's the kind of girl I know I am because those are things I don't have difficulty with and are core to my values.

So I guess, yes. getting to really, really know myself, on my own, has been sorely needed to understand what I need to do for me, so I can bring things that are important to me (deep friendship, independence, self-responsibility, loyalty), rather than what I think most of the population wants (monogamy, promises of long term, interdependence, romance, fidelity, linked security).

Thanks for helping me articulate that.

[imperfect_cupcake]

so to answer your second question 2)

No. but the quality of relationship I'm hoping will be much better.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Answer to question #1. If I start out with a high bar, users and most losers (in my opinion) are not even an issue.

#2. There are no guarantees in this life...but at least I have given myself a chance to find someone that has qualities similar to mine.

[Deborah*]

Yes, I believe in setting the bar high.

I'm consistently working on myself to make sure I achieve my dreams, and I know what's really important is if I want to have a partner, this person will need to be a good fit for me, meaning the same type life goals, lifestyle etc. as myself.

One of my mentors said the five people closest to me color (influence) me the most, and therefore be cautious with choosing friends. How much more so the importance of who I should want for a partner. I know what I'm looking for and I won't settle for less.

Deborah

[Amulette]

Setting the bar high:
To establish an expected, required, or desired standard of quality.

To me that sounds like knowing what I want in a relationship. I think that self exploration of what that "bar" is, is necessary, because I would need to know myself intimately to know what I want and need from others.

So setting the bar high would mean to me: being true to myself and the vision I hold for my life. True love would never take me away from that. It would nourish and embellish that, for both of us. On an intellectual even emotional level I say yes, that makes perfect sense.

If only love was that rational. Love is messy. A friend always said to me "we can't control who our hearts choose to love." I have found that to be true. No matter how much someone fits my intellectual vision, if my heart is not 100% in, it's not worth it. If there's not chemistry, it's not worth it. So for me it's the dance of the two. The older I get the more discerning I get. I know myself better.

There is one more thing that I see play out for all the people I know. Where our hearts are damaged we attract people who force us to find healing. It often happens through pain. We attract the same situations in different flavors over and over again. It's like the movie "Groundhog Day". So I have come to believe that the only way to find that juicy satisfying love is the heal my own heart. Do the work. Make your beautiful heart whole again, then see what love brings you. You can't intellectualize that change.

[Kätzchen]

Nearly two years ago, I penned the opening post concerning the social construction of what seems to be a generational type message, most all of us have heard at one time or another in life: The notion of "Setting the bar high." After re-reading posts from two years ago, it dawned on me that I never really answered the two questions I posed. Yet, I did interact conversationally with members who've posted in this thread.

So, once again, here are the two original questions I asked members to think about, concerning the subject of discussion:


1) What purpose is served?

And...

2) Does it guarantee a better chance of an lasting relationship?




First Question: I do not think 'setting the bar high' is something I consciously do when it comes to any sort of romantic endeavor. I mentioned in one prior post that when I dated someone I became close with as a friend, I never once gave this type of social constructed idea any place in my mind because I basically don't believe in 'setting the bar high'. I have always taken care to present myself as who I am and that is important to me because I live with myself every day and because I have a conscience, I try to live my life by sets of ideas that are basically core competencies I think are incredibly valuable -- to myself and to others in my life. Core competencies of being kind, thoughtful, respectful and observant and maintaining my own boundaries, even if I have to re-map boundaries to help me feel better or to prioritize for my own safety.

I actually think that the social notion shares ties with another social conception concerning hierarchal achievement we often see in the workplace or that is taught via religious notions, if that makes sense at all. For example, another member suggested that reward systems might be part of the idea of 'setting the bar high', but even if so, then doesn't that itself illustrate the idea that 'setting the bar high' is of hierarchal design?

I'm not fond of hierarchal systems because while organizing and prioritizing for better conditions or results (or what ever one might suggest) seems like a good thing to do, I often wonder if too much of any one thing might keep us from seeing how placing too much emphasis on 'setting the high bar' might keep us from noticing what we need to see and acknowledge, so we can be sure we are seeing ourselves and others in the least biased process possible (this is very important to me).

I say that because of experiences I have had over the years, when it comes to getting to know someone better. I said it before, right here in my own thread, that when I last dated someone very special, neither of us even thought about or even measured ourselves against the social construct of 'setting the bar high.' We weren't even friends, in the beginning. But we were a friend to each other, which led to us creating a lasting friendship, even when we both saw that neither of us could go on in what became a dating relationship, after spending about a year, getting to know each other. Ever once in a while, we see each other at a distance, socially, because we both have mutual friends between the two of us and so while we don't see each other romantically at all, we do value the deep friendship we have still today, even if it never worked out for us at all. He's a pretty cool guy and he thinks the world of me, but it just wasn't in the cards for us, back in that point of time, four or five years ago (2014-2015, gosh time flies).

Second Question: I don't think 'setting the bar high' has any inkling to do with a successful, fulfilling relationship. I really don't. The reason I feel this way, and think this way about it, is because I am responsible for my own life and my own happiness. I like to make responsible choices that will make my life better. And for the past few years, I've not wanted to date or even be in a romantic relationship. And I chalk that up to being mature, placing my own care of self first; and having just turned 60, I don't feel the need anymore to up-end my life with the ever changing dynamics of sharing ones life with another person. I'm quite happy on my own. And it had nothing at all to do with … 'setting the bar high.'


If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way.

[Amulette]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

If you made it this far with reading my post, then thanks! I hope what I have shared from my own perspective might help others better understand who I am, as an active member of this online community, in some small way.

Yes Kätzchen it was nice to hear your take on the subject, thanks. I would be interested in hearing how you define the the phrase "setting the bar high". You mentioned social and work structures. Are you talking about social status? Kind of like marrying up in status?

LOL I took the convo to be high expectations of how we expect to be treated and loved, that bar.