For those who self-injurer

[WheelieStrong]

i hope it's ok to post this here.

i am a self harmer, i hit, bite, pick and cut myself, the main part of my body that suffers with the cutting is my right arm.

i count myself lucky that my reason for cutting is mainly that i find bleeding very calming, even comforting so i don't really have the need to cause major damage and disposable razors don't seem capable or a lot anyway..

Due to this i have the most faint and well hidden scars of anyone i've met, which weirdly in some ways i find upsetting, anyway on to my main point..

The sun is shinning a lot lately and especially since chest surgery and the fact that you can only see my scars when looking for them i refuse to wear extra layers if i really don't have to..
The problem is my arm is browning, ok only a little, but my scars aren't, so my scars are getting more and more visible, what can i do now?

i guess i feel the need to hide them because even i in the past have been guilty of seeing someone with obviously self induced scars and thought that having them visible is way of getting attention, i know this makes me a bad person, but i don't want others to see me and look at me the same way.
i never hurt myself for attention, it's just a way to deal

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by WheelieStrong

i hope it's ok to post this here.

i am a self harmer, i hit, bite, pick and cut myself, the main part of my body that suffers with the cutting is my right arm.

i count myself lucky that my reason for cutting is mainly that i find bleeding very calming, even comforting so i don't really have the need to cause major damage and disposable razors don't seem capable or a lot anyway..

Due to this i have the most faint and well hidden scars of anyone i've met, which weirdly in some ways i find upsetting, anyway on to my main point..

The sun is shinning a lot lately and especially since chest surgery and the fact that you can only see my scars when looking for them i refuse to wear extra layers if i really don't have to..
The problem is my arm is browning, ok only a little, but my scars aren't, so my scars are getting more and more visible, what can i do now?

i guess i feel the need to hide them because even i in the past have been guilty of seeing someone with obviously self induced scars and thought that having them visible is way of getting attention, i know this makes me a bad person, but i don't want others to see me and look at me the same way.
i never hurt myself for attention, it's just a way to deal

I just want to say that maybe you misunderstood a lack of shame for a need for attention when it came to those showing visible scars. It may have taken that stranger you saw a very long time and a lot of work to be able to NOT be overly self conscious and hide them. You may someday reach that point where you are ok and able to be open in a way that attention for something negative can bring positive by sharing facts andd info with whomever notices and asks about said scars. I know amazing young girls who speak to an entire auditorium about cutting... but personally I still can't be comfortable with scars that were over 20 years old. I still hid them because I feel like you do about someone noticing or speaking to me randomly about such personal issues. There's no bad or good here.... only growth love and acceptance.

Just some ideas for ya... because long sleeves can't always be an option for hot seasons/climates.... bracelets are not the most fashionable way but when added next to say a watch and/or a leather band... maybe even something like breast cancer awareness bracelets and pride bands so you are doing good while you are ALSO "minimizing the chances of someone noticing and giving you unwanted attention". Back in the day when hippy like jewelry was cool, leather making tools (with designs and letters) were really good for making 1 to 3 inch bands that resembled cuffs. You could make a "punk statement" back then like anarchy symbols or bands' designs... but these days there are many phrases and words that can do a lot of good. Don't know if you could brainstorm something from that and be your "style" to wear.

Also if you use a high sunblock on the whole area, to reduce the tanning around the scars, and then at night use a stretch mark cream you should be able to re-hide the white lines into your skin tone if they are very thin and shallow as you described.

[Nat]

I do that eyelash thing too - never thought anything of it though. I also skin pick and scratch til I bleed sometimes, though I've never talked about it or even thought about it as self-injury.

I have loved 4 cutters (not all romantically). The first time I saw still-red cuts under a sleeve that had crept up too high, it upset me very much and very immediately. But cutting makes sense to me logically even if it's not what I do. It seems in a way like a coping mechanism that must be effective enough to keep a person on this planet. Two of the cutters I've known were handling a lot of personal pain, and the other two had high anxiety. I can't claim to understand it, though like I said, it does make sense to me in my own head.

My other self-harm compulsions have been through the more common (perhaps) routes of overeating, comfort-deprivation, spending money I can't afford to spend, forcing myself into sex I didn't want or that harmed me, staying in or going back to emotionally abusive situations, smoking, drinking, occasionally drugging (not lately), other self-sabotaging behaviors. I went through a bout of intentional purging for maybe 3 months once. It became easily compulsive, just like eating or sex (or hitting refresh on an internet browser), and I found it weirdly satisfying. Looking for privacy, the ritual of it, perfecting my technique, creating a routine, eating with the knowledge that it wouldn't be staying down, keeping this secret, knowing that when somebody told me I looked thinner and told me I was doing a "good job" as though my body were their business, I had this secret evil knowledge that my body was only conforming to their standards because I was *not* taking care of myself - all those things were weirdly satisfying to the point of being kinda fetishy. I was able to stop that though. I didn't discover that stuff until my mid-twenties, and although I would easily get into the pattern again, it just wasn't my main deal.

I take different routes but they all bring some kind of relief. If I manage to cut off one route, another takes its place.

I've been looking lately at trying to really actually heal whatever it is on the inside of me that seems to be the motivating factor. I don't know if I can heal entirely, but I am trying. I am establishing a sense of safety and trust with myself slowly. Part of that is being in a relationship with a person who loves me, whom I love, who also is always safe and supportive for me. Just feeling safe with one person is huge - it helps me feel safer with myself. Then there is my spiritual practice/path. It seems to be making the biggest difference in my life in terms of just making that black hole in me a little less of a big deal, a little less real, a little less of a motivating factor in my life. I don't think it's a thing I can banish entirely, but its grip seems to be loosening and its presence fading as more fulfilling and meaningful things have begun to take up more space in my inner world. I don't know if the skin-picking, scratching or eyelash-pulling will ever fade out, whether I will ever have a healthy relationship with food or whatever, but I am trying to focus on healing the inside stuff more than controlling those compulsions right now. If I start focusing too much on the symptoms, then I don't think I'll be in the right place to heal. The deal for me with the symptoms is - I'm avoiding illegality or behaviors that would seriously destroy the functionality of my life or my relationship, and I'm good with that. If I pick my scalp until it bleeds, who cares? It's such a minor concern for me compared with the other things I could do with these feelings.

[Andrew, Jr.]

You are all of mine.

Thank you for sharing your stories here. I hope you are finding this to be a safe space that is open for you to share, bond, love, and support one another.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Jeep]

So, in a real relationship for the first time in five years. All this time I have tought "If I can just find someone I will be able to stop." Not so much.
I love her, have known her for 6 years and trust her completely. There is nothing about me she doesn't know.
She doesn't get angry when I SI unless I try to hide it, which is hard for me not to do since I've been hiding it for 10 years, but I'm getting better. Would be nice if I could quit, but I think I would miss it. A lot.