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#1 |
Practically Lives Here
How Do You Identify?:
Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Jersey
Posts: 16,642
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Thanked 12,290 Times in 5,184 Posts
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January 11
LONELINESS EATS MY LUNCH There are days loneliness eats my lunch and I can’t fight back. How can I stand it? How can it still be this bad? I pull out the old chestnuts: If I’m not happy with what I have, how could I be happier with more? And, Even tickets on the fifty yard line don’t interest me; I came to play! I roll them around. I think of the other slogans, the tidbits, the smiles and hugs. Still, there are days my lunch is gulped down and I sit with my plate empty. Pickle juice, coleslaw drool is small comfort. Actually, it’s a jeer. I stare at my empty plate. I turn it and twist it. I stick out my tongue at it. “You're good company,” says my sponsor. Then why am I alone? If I’m so good, if my company is worthwhile, why do I sit here hungry and desperate? “Are you sure you are?” It sure feels that way. “Well it might be true.” And it might not. I get it. I am unhooked from myself; I’m ignoring the multitude at my elbow, looking for someone in my lap. I’m holding out for old terms from a new contract. I am loved by people who aren’t trying to consume me and I am letting my expectations dine for free. Imagine who the wind visited before you and who it is on its way to visit now. * Pepo My father used to destroy a perfectly good watermelon by cutting a triangle in the top and pouring a bottle of vodka into it. I used to destroy my perfectly good melon the same way. Emulating bad ideas in new ways was a onetime pastime of mine. Giving it up was harder than I had expected. Flawed thinking blends so freely with my mental landscape I have trouble distinguishing it. Condemning the action and not the man is not usually my preferred method. I would rather condemn the man. But this leaves me with the actions in place and him long gone and though I prefer him gone I will recreate him within myself if I don’t flush his actions as well. I have a good pumpkin on my shoulders but it is my job to keep it intact. .
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Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait ![]() ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work ![]() To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book ![]() |
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#2 |
Practically Lives Here
How Do You Identify?:
Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Jersey
Posts: 16,642
Thanks: 2,529
Thanked 12,290 Times in 5,184 Posts
Rep Power: 21474868 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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January 12
LIFE IS TOO GOOD I know it sounds crazy. Is crazy. But I hate having the fear, the gnawing gut of “what if I can’t maintain this”? The sober life I live, what if I get struck unable to connect to my Higher Power? I had a spiritual awakening; what if I get spiritual narcolepsy? My spiritual cord was cut when I was young, not by my choosing. What if it’s cut again? “What if this line of thinking cuts it?” asks my sponsor I hate when she’s right. What if this is the test? Be like them or not. Follow the path of the twelve steps when there is no weight of need pushing me. I have to keep my eye on the ball for myself when everything is going in my direction. I’m still not God. This is the lesson the abusers never learned. The one I have to. “This has been a prelude to a decision,” says she. What decision? “What went wrong was not bad people making bad choices in bad circumstances. It was disconnected people making decisions without help.” I have to stay in your pocket. Never be a free bird. I have to remember what true freedom is. It’s not being cut loose. I had that and it never felt free. “Keep your eye on the ball; hold onto my hand.” Read a children’s book to yourself. * Live Bait Is being a taunt to others really a life? Dangling as the cover for a hook, luring intended and unintended to their deaths, is that living? Or if I draw you with my attack rather than my appeal is that a worthwhile existence? If I carry myself filled with poison praying for a strike is that anything other than a march to an unhappy grave for two, or more? Hidden under an avalanche of harassment strips me of my vital quality and my soul loses its true nature. I am allowed to transcend the setup of competition and social strife. It’s alright to be tempting with no agenda. I could be an appetizer if only I removed the barbs or better yet I could be dessert. .
__________________
Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait ![]() ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work ![]() To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book ![]() |
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#3 |
Practically Lives Here
How Do You Identify?:
Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Jersey
Posts: 16,642
Thanks: 2,529
Thanked 12,290 Times in 5,184 Posts
Rep Power: 21474868 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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January 13
CATCH How can my sensibility catch my intellect? Or find a map with enough information to get my heart to the current location of my mind? What are the common markers recognized by soul and brain? I know the pulse of my wrist is counter-pointing the firing of my synapses. My life signs run their course and I struggle to find the intersections. I long for more than signposts and curbing. I would like parallels, paradigms and conclusions. There must be a place of common home and hearth. I am looking for the depot of my life. I hope I hit it before I hit the coast. Warm your heart with your thoughts. * Offset I often feel out of round and unmatched to my counterparts. Awkwardly I sit unable to strike a plausible pose. I want my asymmetry to seem chic. I feel a victim of universal ugliness and gracelessly plod through my days. Luckily offset thinking, the partner of my offset soul, saves me. I see that I am uniquely useful, Like a screwdriver set at right angles for use where a straight one could not reach. I am counterbalance and compensation. I may be lateral but I am also collateral. I am an embellisher, beneficial in unexpected ways and shouldn’t seek to be inline with the multitude. I am the new growth, the spur to the future. .
__________________
Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait ![]() ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work ![]() To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book ![]() |
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#4 |
Practically Lives Here
How Do You Identify?:
Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Jersey
Posts: 16,642
Thanks: 2,529
Thanked 12,290 Times in 5,184 Posts
Rep Power: 21474868 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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January 14
GRAVITY WORKS ALL THE TIME Limits and boundaries are a drag. I hate feeling tied to the ground. I know I could fly if not for unseen forces. I sense myself lightening, smoothing, I drop my burdens; I pick up speed. Fourth dimension! Hell! I’m proverbial vapor trails. At this time I should explain. When I get moving this fast, I inevitably wind myself into a position where my head is up my in my nether regions, a place it does not belong. I have slowly grown to love my limits; no restraint holds me back. In reality, I am supported, rooted as it were. I am not a hydroponic. I can live in the real world. I am me. Encouraged by the wind and the rain, I am not the hot house flower. I am truly free. I can walk where I was born to walk. I forget life has not been found outside my little world, and when it is, I’m still better off being me. Introduce yourself to a new vegetable. * Specks Spectacles are for specks; tiny things that must be watched. Commotion is nothing but a congregation of minutia with an audience. How many small things do I strain my eyes to see; then seek help to pursue further? Some of these are put on display fishing for voyeurs. Others are secreted away only to be ferreted out through magnification. Whether curiosity or contempt drives me to these pinpoints I must search my motives before I scan the plain. For truly if I am not careful I, myself will end up either speck or spectacle. .
__________________
Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait ![]() ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work ![]() To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book ![]() |
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#5 |
Senior Member
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Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?:
Respectful and situational appropriate ones Relationship Status:
Enjoying butchelorhood Join Date: Feb 2013
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Congratulations on another milestone, cathexis! I know it's late but better late than never...
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Don't try to explain yourself to stupid people. You're not the jackass whisperer. |
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#6 |
Practically Lives Here
How Do You Identify?:
Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Jersey
Posts: 16,642
Thanks: 2,529
Thanked 12,290 Times in 5,184 Posts
Rep Power: 21474868 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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January 15
NO MAPS Maps have existed longer than I have. By the time of my birth, aerial photography had made pinpoint accuracy the norm. I can be tracked by satellite on my daily commute. I can get a Trip Tik and travel to the far reaches of this continent. "So what’s your problem?” asks my sponsor. There is no map for where we’ve been going. There are the twelve steps but after that, it is all uncharted territory, except, of course for my family’s warnings about dragons. “Those critters stay to home mostly. You have bigger things to worry about.” So, where’s the map? I need to know where to go. “No map. We go through this together. The pitfalls are similar: sex and money. There are a few others. What each of us finds on this journey is unchartable, plus if you spend your time looking down, you will miss the view. We prop each other up as we step off into the unknown, and reel each other back if we start falling off the beam.” How do I know if I’m doing it right? “Are you still sober?” Yes, but I’m unsure. Lots of people are sober right up until the time they’re drunk. “So true. It’s all about motive, and it’s difficult to chart your heart. Do you have willingness?” Yes, you know I do. “I have found that is the vehicle to everywhere, Honey. Learn to enjoy the ride.” Write silly verse. * Comparison Shopping Cost analysis of the yeas and nays requires a savvy consumer. Every word has a variable price dependent on whom it is spoken to and when it is said. Some words charge compound interest and others pay dividends. Timing and delivery is of the utmost importance. Knowledge of the markets requires constant assessment. The risk to benefit ratio varies widely and the short term verses the long term price can flip the market from profit to loss. Hold my tongue, speak my mind, these must be weighed; the clock consulted and inventories taken. What I say and when can be less a matter of bull or bear than whether or not I can afford to be a sheep. .
__________________
Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait ![]() ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work ![]() To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book ![]() |
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#7 |
Practically Lives Here
How Do You Identify?:
Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Jersey
Posts: 16,642
Thanks: 2,529
Thanked 12,290 Times in 5,184 Posts
Rep Power: 21474868 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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January 16
FEEDING SQUIRRELS ON A ONE LANE BRIDGE Cattle corn spread on the single Lane Bridge---the trap. Food or safety? There are plenty of other choices; my disease sees none of them. Gluttony and danger the perfect combination. How can I resist? Why would I resist? I have to have more. I cannot depend on my nature, the ability God gave me to survive in my environs. Help must come from outside, and must be wild and dramatic. Inward help is boring, subtle, tiresome. Where’s my image? My excitement? How am I going to prove my God worthy without too much, without perilous risk and rescue? I can’t. I can’t prove my God, and my God doesn’t need to prove anything to me. I can find my way, off the beaten path, away from the prying eyes of rubberneckers. No cheers from the crowd are necessary. I have the equipment. It came standard. If I look at the controls and follow the twelve step tutorial, I should be able to manage just fine. No Mack truck in my face, as I stuff myself with ill-gotten grain. Look deeply into a glass of water searching for mermaids. * Bon Comfort or motivation these are the two major reasons for building a fire. Sometimes I set it before me other times under me. The warmth can be soothing and the light dazzling, but licking flames move me off the spot like nothing else. Fuel and surrounds contribute to the effect. Mental state and personal company provide dampening or air. How high the flames rise or how long they burn varies widely inspiring my passions, my thoughts, my fears The conflagration is an apt tool as long as I don’t go up in smoke. .
__________________
Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait ![]() ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work ![]() To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book ![]() |
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Tags |
12 step recovery, acoa, al-anon, alcoholic, alcoholics anonmyous, coda, on-line meeting |
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