Trans or Butch

[Ender]

Ugh...I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like half-trans, half-butch! I don't know how to transition feeling like this. Do I change my name? Do I medically transition? If I medically transition, will I regret it? It's beating me up and I don't know what to do. I wish I had a more androgynous name or even a masculine version of my name would be great, but no.

How did/do you butches go about this? Do you still have your given name? Did you change your name? Did you choose to medically transition, even part-way?

I'm also wondering when I do tell someone irl about all this, will they even take me seriously? Or will they think I'm making it up because LGBT+ people are so openly talked about now-a-days?

I remember my dad saying a few years ago, that he loves me no matter what as long as I'm happy, but I'm still terrified I might be going down the wrong path, and end up regretting it in the future.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Ender

Ugh...I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like half-trans, half-butch! I don't know how to transition feeling like this. Do I change my name? Do I medically transition? If I medically transition, will I regret it? It's beating me up and I don't know what to do. I wish I had a more androgynous name or even a masculine version of my name would be great, but no.

How did/do you butches go about this? Do you still have your given name? Did you change your name? Did you choose to medically transition, even part-way?

I'm also wondering when I do tell someone irl about all this, will they even take me seriously? Or will they think I'm making it up because LGBT+ people are so openly talked about now-a-days?

I remember my dad saying a few years ago, that he loves me no matter what as long as I'm happy, but I'm still terrified I might be going down the wrong path, and end up regretting it in the future.

Seek counseling with a gltbqi based support system. One of my ex's is mtf she sought counseling to help her in the beginning and continues counseling for herself.

[Esme nha Maire]

Originally Posted by Ender

Ugh...I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like half-trans, half-butch! I don't know how to transition feeling like this. Do I change my name? Do I medically transition? If I medically transition, will I regret it? It's beating me up and I don't know what to do. I wish I had a more androgynous name or even a masculine version of my name would be great, but no.

How did/do you butches go about this? Do you still have your given name? Did you change your name? Did you choose to medically transition, even part-way?

I'm also wondering when I do tell someone irl about all this, will they even take me seriously? Or will they think I'm making it up because LGBT+ people are so openly talked about now-a-days?

I remember my dad saying a few years ago, that he loves me no matter what as long as I'm happy, but I'm still terrified I might be going down the wrong path, and end up regretting it in the future.

Hi, Ender! Ender, I'm an MTF, and was always sure I was female, so I can't speak to your situation other than generally.

I can only advise that you try to look at each aspect of your situation in isolation first (physical, visual presentation, where you feel you want to fit in socially, what name you feel happy with, etc. Break it all down and note what you'd feel happy with separately first), and then see if you can come to an overall conclusion. If you glom everything together and try to tackle it as a whole it can make it much harder to see a solution that you're happy with. Especially when it comes to any kind of medical intervention, you need to think first about how YOU feel about your body - not what anybody else thinks about it - it's YOUR body, and you're going to have to live with the result, if you have medical intervention. If anyone else doesn't like what you do with your body, that's THEIR problem, not yours, so don't even give what they think in that regard a moments thought.

In essence, think about what you'd be like in your ideal world - then consider how you can in practice get from the you now to the you you wish to be. And always, always, be YOU. You do not have to fit anybody else's labels or pigeonholes.

As for what people will think - they'll think whatever they're inclined to - the more bigoted will remain bigoted, the more enlightened will understand, and those in-between will learn and hopefully still like and love you for being you. Any person of good heart will want you to be happy dear. The rest you should ignore.

Good luck, Ender - may deity smile upon you and bring you success in your journey!

Esme x

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Ender

Ugh...I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like half-trans, half-butch! I don't know how to transition feeling like this. Do I change my name? Do I medically transition? If I medically transition, will I regret it? It's beating me up and I don't know what to do. I wish I had a more androgynous name or even a masculine version of my name would be great, but no.

How did/do you butches go about this? Do you still have your given name? Did you change your name? Did you choose to medically transition, even part-way?

I'm also wondering when I do tell someone irl about all this, will they even take me seriously? Or will they think I'm making it up because LGBT+ people are so openly talked about now-a-days?

I remember my dad saying a few years ago, that he loves me no matter what as long as I'm happy, but I'm still terrified I might be going down the wrong path, and end up regretting it in the future.

Ender, the first thing I want to say is that I "hear you". As a butch, I struggled with the question of if I should medically transition for over 15 years. I identified as a transgender butch all of those years. Not a woman, but not a man. Not female, closer to male, but not male. 3.5 years ago I started testosterone and I kick myself for not doing it sooner.

First off, you are right, it is "terrifying". For 15 years I left myself in that place of angst, distress, frustration, and obsessive thinking about whether or not I should medically transition. It negatively impacted my romantic relationships, negatively effected all social areas (anything outside the house), and my professional growth (I avoided being "visible" due to social dysphoria).

I thought, and went to therapy, and twisted myself into knots with reasons that I wasn't "male", which is what was expected by professionals and myself to determine if I should take testosterone.

I did get top surgery.

But even with top surgery (the source of my dysphoria...I had no problems with how my overall body or face looked), I STILL couldn't come to the conclusion as to whether or not I should medically (and thereby socially) transition. You know what helped me figure it out? How I figured it out? I took a very, very low dose of testosterone. That is how I figured it out. I took a low dose so that I could see if I felt any emotional effects while holding off any lowering of my voice.

I wanted to know, needed to know, if the emotional effects people talk about had anything to do with brain function and wasn't just about external changes, as people said was the case. You know what I found out? For ME, I need testosterone. It doesn't matter if I am read as binary male or not, my brain needs this medication. It may sound crazy, but my thinking was if the "side effect" of this medication is being seen as male, so be it because I need this drug.

I do identify as binary male at this point (and still butch), and I don't mind what I thought I would dislike (facial hair), but that isn't all of it for me. It is the mental health. The mental health is so much better. I am sure that if external changes didn't also come with the mental changes I would still have dysphoria, as I DO want to be read as male and have those changes, but what I wanted to add to this discussion is that the mental changes, simply due to the hormone, should not be discounted.

I would suggest that you do what Esme nha Maire so eloquently (which I quoted at the end of my post), and then go from there.

The other responses in this thread were helpful too. What I wanted to add to the discussion is that for me, I had to just "take the plunge" when it came to hormones.

I think there are actually two questions for people. What is my gender identity? Do I want to medically and/or socially transition?

You can be non-binary, third gendered, agender, and still take testosterone, and live as male. It goes back to again, who we are externally isn't necessarily who were are internally. Some people don't define as male, but have severe social dysphoria if they are not read and related to as the opposite sex all areas of their life.

In the last 5 or so years more progressive trans health care systems do not work in the binary when it comes to HRT. It used to be that you had to be binary male or binary female in order to take any sort of hormones. If that were still the case (which it is in many areas, still), it is possible that I would still not be on hormones. I was just so afraid of my voice lowering and then deciding it was the wrong thing for me.

Since there is such a thing as low dose, I don't regard hormones as irreversible anymore (in the very short term, especially for trans men). With all of this said, I am NOT suggesting that anyone use hormones as a way to figure out if they are transgender. I just wanted to share that for ME, after that many years, I just had to do something. I think all else should be exhausted first (especially for trans men, due to the voice change).

Oh, and I assume it goes without saying that a gender therapist would be a huge, super huge help to figuring this out.

I have a crap ton more to say on this topic, but I will close for now.

Originally Posted by Esme nha Maire

I can only advise that you try to look at each aspect of your situation in isolation first (physical, visual presentation, where you feel you want to fit in socially, what name you feel happy with, etc. Break it all down and note what you'd feel happy with separately first), and then see if you can come to an overall conclusion. If you glom everything together and try to tackle it as a whole it can make it much harder to see a solution that you're happy with.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

I wanted to know, needed to know, if the emotional effects people talk about had anything to do with brain function and wasn't just about external changes, as people said was the case.

I need to clarify this.... I am saying trans people who go on hormones say that it IS the case that their thinking/emotions improve and become more balanced.
It isn't just about external changes. People feel it immediately. My brain just functions more properly for me, anxiety is way down as is agitation, colors literally looked brighter...crazy, man. For me it took a bit of time for my emotions to balance out because even though I quickly figured out I needed to transition, the time wasn't right at work, so I had to shift gears and go back to low dose for several months. So, my mood didn't level out until I got onto a consistent dose.

[Ender]

I want to thank everyone who commented SO much. I appreciate all of you and your advice you have given me. I think what I might do is when I'm finished up with University, I might go see a therapist (again), I saw one in the past, but only briefly. In the meantime, I think all I might do for now is try to socially transition, find the courage to tell one or two people to call me by my preferred name. I was thinking for a while now about going by Liam. I already kind of came out to my Anthropology Professor (I only have about a month left, but it's still something). I'm trying to work up the courage to tell a couple friends before I never see them again also. For now, I think I'm just going to socially transition since I can pass as male about 90% of the time.

Thank you again for everything!!

[Esme nha Maire]

Good luck, Ender! I hope your social transition goes as well and as happily (or better!) as mine did. Mine wasn't entirely trouble-free, but it made me feel MUCH better internally. Let us know how you get on, sometime, eh?

[imperfect_cupcake]

Aside to Dapper - because hormones change things in your brain and body. Your brain *is* part of your body and part of your endocrine system. So when you take hormones, it will change your brain function.

I've taken hormones for 12 years now. It's changed me mentally and physically.

Hormones control *everything* in our bodies and minds.

This is an incredible and fabulous BBC story about the action and history of hormones by a professor of endocrinology and wonderful storyteller - this is NOT a "boring ol documentary"

It's a beautifully done woven story of history and biology by someone passionate and a crew who love delivering knowledge to general public folk.

This IS NOT a "don't take hormones" post. This is a "why hormones change you so much" post. I only got to study the endocrine system for 3 months, which is nothing, it's the most fucking confusing system in the body and it governs everything. If you think the nervous system is confusing, it has nothing on our hormones.

I'm deeply grateful for the hormones I take. I'd be in agonising chronic pain, unable to work. But they have changed my personality, how I see things, how I react, because that's just hormones. They affect the brain because the brain is part of your body. Personally, I think it changed me for the better.

Anyway, here's the link - please do watch it, it's amazing.

Fantastical World of Hormones

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rsjva0z0-8k

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Ender

Ugh...I hate this feeling! I hate feeling like half-trans, half-butch! I don't know how to transition feeling like this. Do I change my name? Do I medically transition? If I medically transition, will I regret it? It's beating me up and I don't know what to do. I wish I had a more androgynous name or even a masculine version of my name would be great, but no.

How did/do you butches go about this? Do you still have your given name? Did you change your name? Did you choose to medically transition, even part-way?

I'm also wondering when I do tell someone irl about all this, will they even take me seriously? Or will they think I'm making it up because LGBT+ people are so openly talked about now-a-days?

I remember my dad saying a few years ago, that he loves me no matter what as long as I'm happy, but I'm still terrified I might be going down the wrong path, and end up regretting it in the future.

I want to start with the parts I bolded. The short answer is; you don't.

The rest of your post shows that you are still in the discovery phase of decision making and that is a good thing. You are identifying the things that you will have to be completely comfortable with before taking any irreversible actions. It's okay! Relax. Breathe.

I'm an old dog and these options were not available when I was your age. I think that today there is a lot of peer pressure to transition or not, right now. It doesn't have to be that way. Take your time to get comfortable with each of these aspects, start with the small pieces and do what feels right until you have gotten to the point that feels right for YOU.

You said you want a masculine or less feminine name, maybe you could adopt a nickname for a while and if it fits make it legal later. I did this 30 years ago. If you aren't already dressing the part, try it. How does that work for you walking down a regular street, not a gay or trans neighborhood, or college campus, just a "rest of the world" place. Are you comfortable? Do you get stared at? Are you okay with that? Does it feel like you are finally in your right skin?

How much time have you spent living/working in cis male space and is that the comfortable spot for you socially?

Just my opinion, but I think that if you go ahead and try some the things you can reverse if you find it isn't right would be a good starting point. It will be a lot easier than jumping straight into things you can't undo since you are still in a conflicted space. Do your own research your own way until you know in your gut that you are doing what is right for you, there is no rush.

Now that I re-read this, pretty much what Esme x said, lol.