Stone--Personal Definitions

[MsDemeanor]

The problem with threads about stone is that we stones all pretty much more or less understand what we mean by "feminizing"; though the exact specifics can vary from person to person, there's a general nod of "yeah". Invariably, though, someone who is not stone will come in and make a stink or demand some textbook definition or say something derogatory, and then the whole discussion turns to shit.

[JustJo]

Hello everyone

I've been reading this thread because I've been trying to understand the concept of "stone" better. I know that I'm not...just trying to wrap my brain around it.

So I have a, perhaps silly, question. I'm hearing that for most people it seems to be a sexual boundary issue rather than an identity issue.

Are there some out there for whom it is an identity...say comparable to butch or femme? And for whom sexual boundaries maybe don't apply or are a lesser consideration than the identity? And, if there are, what does that mean to you?

I'm not sure if this is very clear...it's one of those "don't know what I don't know" moments for me...

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by MsDemeanor

The problem with threads about stone is that we stones all pretty much more or less understand what we mean by "feminizing"; though the exact specifics can vary from person to person, there's a general nod of "yeah". Invariably, though, someone who is not stone will come in and make a stink or demand some textbook definition or say something derogatory, and then the whole discussion turns to shit.

This is very true and can really stink for those who are reading and exploring their identity and feeling that Stone fits them. Just as soon as the discussion gets going, it stalls out.

[tcbbutch]

I am a Stonebutch and Male ID'd for myself identifying as Stone has always been the way to let others know who I am sexually. When I was dating it saved a lot of heartache and even then some out there still try to cross those boundaries..jeez..
For myself it's just that I am not connected sexually to certain body areas that others assume must be how we are all sexually satisfied. As a Stonebutch, I partner with Stonefemmes and thats a wonderful thing.
I find it such an insult to all the wonderful Stonebutches and Stonefemmes in our community that we have to constantly explain ourselves as if we are too queer for the queer community. So I hope that we can keep this thread on track for honest discussion and maybe enlightening anyone who has an honest question.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

I am curious about those who ID as *Stone* and what that specific WORD means to them on a personal and relationship level.

Is it sexual boundaries or gender ID or a combination of the two or something one cannot explain that makes one ID as *Stone*?

Originally Posted by JustJo

So I have a, perhaps silly, question. I'm hearing that for most people it seems to be a sexual boundary issue rather than an identity issue.

Are there some out there for whom it is an identity...say comparable to butch or femme? And for whom sexual boundaries maybe don't apply or are a lesser consideration than the identity? And, if there are, what does that mean to you?

For me, "Stone" is about my gender. My gender is Femme--specifically, Stonefemme. It encompasses who I am and how I live my life, how I carry myself as a female-bodied person in this world; it's about boundaries, energy flows, and respect.

For me, being a Stonefemme is natural. It makes me flexible. (Yeah, I know, nobody thinks of Stones as flexible--surprise!) It means that I am able to fit well with partners who have varied gender and sexual identities.

It also means that respect is at the heart of everything I do, respect for myself and my boundaries--not just sexual, but relationship and social as well--and respect for my partner and his (or her) boundaries; as well as respect for the people around us and their relationship and social boundaries. They can keep their sexual lives to themselves, tyvm... but then, that IS a part of my social boundaries to be private about sex. You might not think so if you've known me online for very long, but this is a different space and dynamic, not at all the same here where we're analyzing/dissecting/discussing our identities and lives as, say, the neighborhood association meeting tonight!

So yes, for me, Stone is a gender ID and it encompasses WAY more than sexual boundaries. Yes, I can respect any no-fly zones. Yes, I understand how to speak and act in ways that support my partner's sexual and gender identities. Yes, I am flexible enough to be able to partner with people who might have vastly different no-fly zones--or whose no-fly zones might change over the course of the relationship.

No, sexual boundaries are not the be-all and end-all of my identity, nor are they most important part of being Stone for me. Stonefemme is a big huge identity; the word is about the totality of who I am. It's not one small limited piece of my life... it's the over-arching framework that fits into the world and makes space for me.

[Daryn]

Originally Posted by Bit

For me, "Stone" is about my gender. My gender is Femme--specifically, Stonefemme. It encompasses who I am and how I live my life, how I carry myself as a female-bodied person in this world; it's about boundaries, energy flows, and respect.

For me, being a Stonefemme is natural. It makes me flexible. (Yeah, I know, nobody thinks of Stones as flexible--surprise!) It means that I am able to fit well with partners who have varied gender and sexual identities.

It also means that respect is at the heart of everything I do, respect for myself and my boundaries--not just sexual, but relationship and social as well--and respect for my partner and his (or her) boundaries; as well as respect for the people around us and their relationship and social boundaries. They can keep their sexual lives to themselves, tyvm... but then, that IS a part of my social boundaries to be private about sex. You might not think so if you've known me online for very long, but this is a different space and dynamic, not at all the same here where we're analyzing/dissecting/discussing our identities and lives as, say, the neighborhood association meeting tonight!

So yes, for me, Stone is a gender ID and it encompasses WAY more than sexual boundaries. Yes, I can respect any no-fly zones. Yes, I understand how to speak and act in ways that support my partner's sexual and gender identities. Yes, I am flexible enough to be able to partner with people who might have vastly different no-fly zones--or whose no-fly zones might change over the course of the relationship.

No, sexual boundaries are not the be-all and end-all of my identity, nor are they most important part of being Stone for me. Stonefemme is a big huge identity; the word is about the totality of who I am. It's not one small limited piece of my life... it's the over-arching framework that fits into the world and makes space for me.

From my ME place, my experience is that you are a rarity......

But as for what stone means, that's been an evolving concept for me partially due to discussions with folks like Bit. I used to think stone encompassed pretty specific sexual boundaries. But I have shifted my view that it's about whatever sexual boundaries might be negotiated. And because I have some boundaries (that I feel no need to get detailed about) I fit Bit's definition of stone even I don't fit what I used to understand as the generic definition of stone.

Again from my ME place, stone is there for me but more background and less foreground. Identity is a very individual thing and what is important to one person may be much less important to another.

I've also found that my understanding of self and identity has evolved over time. Some of it is learning to be comfortable in your own skin. Some of it is learning from other people's thoughts and experiences.