Stone--Personal Definitions

[Daryn]

Originally Posted by Bit

For me, "Stone" is about my gender. My gender is Femme--specifically, Stonefemme. It encompasses who I am and how I live my life, how I carry myself as a female-bodied person in this world; it's about boundaries, energy flows, and respect.

For me, being a Stonefemme is natural. It makes me flexible. (Yeah, I know, nobody thinks of Stones as flexible--surprise!) It means that I am able to fit well with partners who have varied gender and sexual identities.

It also means that respect is at the heart of everything I do, respect for myself and my boundaries--not just sexual, but relationship and social as well--and respect for my partner and his (or her) boundaries; as well as respect for the people around us and their relationship and social boundaries. They can keep their sexual lives to themselves, tyvm... but then, that IS a part of my social boundaries to be private about sex. You might not think so if you've known me online for very long, but this is a different space and dynamic, not at all the same here where we're analyzing/dissecting/discussing our identities and lives as, say, the neighborhood association meeting tonight!

So yes, for me, Stone is a gender ID and it encompasses WAY more than sexual boundaries. Yes, I can respect any no-fly zones. Yes, I understand how to speak and act in ways that support my partner's sexual and gender identities. Yes, I am flexible enough to be able to partner with people who might have vastly different no-fly zones--or whose no-fly zones might change over the course of the relationship.

No, sexual boundaries are not the be-all and end-all of my identity, nor are they most important part of being Stone for me. Stonefemme is a big huge identity; the word is about the totality of who I am. It's not one small limited piece of my life... it's the over-arching framework that fits into the world and makes space for me.

From my ME place, my experience is that you are a rarity......

But as for what stone means, that's been an evolving concept for me partially due to discussions with folks like Bit. I used to think stone encompassed pretty specific sexual boundaries. But I have shifted my view that it's about whatever sexual boundaries might be negotiated. And because I have some boundaries (that I feel no need to get detailed about) I fit Bit's definition of stone even I don't fit what I used to understand as the generic definition of stone.

Again from my ME place, stone is there for me but more background and less foreground. Identity is a very individual thing and what is important to one person may be much less important to another.

I've also found that my understanding of self and identity has evolved over time. Some of it is learning to be comfortable in your own skin. Some of it is learning from other people's thoughts and experiences.