Femme Invisibility?

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Femmadian

So earlier this year I cut my hair in a pretty significant (for me) way, donating something like 14 inches and going from waist length curls to a "lob" and just recently I got new glasses which, when I tried them on in store, I immediately thought, "wow, these are so gay." They remind me a bit of Alex Vause's glasses but with a more flattering bridge. So, needless to say, I got them.

And now, new hair and fashionably nerdy glasses in tow, I'm getting the nod and knowing looks so much more! I'm still very Femme-presenting and am stylistically a long way from the pink haired, amply tattooed style that's kind of seen as the default for gay women in certain urban areas, and yet... I've actually had other lesbians seek me out in town because I "didn't look straight" and if I am friendly to a more obviously gay-looking woman I don't know yet, they are so much more receptive to the entire interaction. It's kind of blowing my mind to see first hand the difference in how I'm treated from the get-go and also makes me realize just how cut off I was from in-person community before.

I'd be curious to hear about the specifics of what has worked for you guys over the years, if anything surprised you, and if you ever had a time when your visibility spiked as a result of incidental changes.

Yup. A black leather motorcycle jacket made me visible. It was like turning on a beacon light. I felt the power the first time I wore one and I've never forgotten it. My motorcycle and rainbow sticker bedecked motorcycle helmet finished the job. Now that I own a car and no longer ride all year I often have none of the above signifiers on or around me. As a result I'm now presumed straight in all sorts of circumstances, but I'm somehow seldom aware that I'm being misidentified. That said, I'm told that once I open my mouth and start speaking I'm SO gay.

[charley]

Well, can hardly move after one of my Xmas feasts; it was a lot of fun, and sat with a friend, and we made jokes and all, and laughed and laughed, and I guess we were the loudest there, and eventually, two women came by and asked if they could join us, to which we agreed. We all had a grand time, chatting, and laughing, and munching (altho the Brussels sprouts were not cooked enough - al dente smh - and were actually a tad too hard) and even though there were loads of sweets, they were out of pie!!!!! (I came late - hangs head in shame!!!)

One of the women left, and the other stayed, and finally, she got an opportunity to mention to me and addressing me [as we were sitting opposite], well the word "butch" slipped out of her mouth, and I nodded yes, as in, you are right. Then it occurred to me and so I said, "Hey, how come you are aware of that word?"

And she said, "I'm a lesbian", and since we were all still laughing and joking, she gestured with her left hand and made a big L with her thumb and forefinger over her forehead, and said something to the effect of having to wear a big L printed there since no one would know she was a lesbian, to which we all had a good laugh... femme invisibility...

[clementinefemme]

I don't know if this is a good place to post this, but I had some new friends from work over tonight and they were shocked when I explained to them my identity as a femme lesbian. They expected me to be into other feminine women and expressed clear disappointment when I talked about what I find attractive in partners. When I showed them photos of my celebrity crushes, they didn't hold back their disapproval.

They kept pressuring me to admit that I had liked/dated "regular" women before, but I have not. I don't know how to articulate it exactly, but it was deeply uncomfortable. I felt very isolated and alienated from the group because they made it clear I wasn't "normal" to them. I guess I'm used to this experience in a way, since part of being gender-conforming and straight-passing is the need to repeatedly come out, but this felt particularly hurtful because I liked and trusted these women.

They really did make me feel that the way I experience attraction is wrong and needs "fixing."

I think this is why I feel very reluctant to discuss this topic with anyone, because every time I don't get the understanding and respect that I want.

If anyone has dealt with this before, I would appreciate your insight.

[clementinefemme]

Also, they asked me deeply invasive sexual questions, which I don't think they would have done had I been "normal" to them. We don't know each other well enough to have those kinds of conversations at this point and I don't like that my identity is immediately sexualized in their eyes.

Instead of getting to know me a person, they were hyper-fixated on what I do in the bedroom, which made me feel like even more of a freak. I just tried to deflect the questions, but I could tell that upset them.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

Also, they asked me deeply invasive sexual questions, which I don't think they would have done had I been "normal" to them. We don't know each other well enough to have those kinds of conversations at this point and I don't like that my identity is immediately sexualized in their eyes.

Instead of getting to know me a person, they were hyper-fixated on what I do in the bedroom, which made me feel like even more of a freak. I just tried to deflect the questions, but I could tell that upset them.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I've been in a similar situation, but I don't have any words of wisdom. On occasion I've answered those kinds of questions and judgements with "When was the last time someone questioned the validity of YOUR preferred 'type'?", and "When was the last time someone asked you whether you or your partner 'wears the pants' in bed?" That shuts them up, but it doesn't stop them from judging me silently. I once caught an extremely negative reaction to a matter-of-fact mention of butch/femme dynamics to a straight woman who I used to work with. (It came up in a conversation which I didn't initiate.) She never looked me in the eye again, and that was the last time she hired me.

I hope you find better, less judgmental friends.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by clementinefemme

Also, they asked me deeply invasive sexual questions, which I don't think they would have done had I been "normal" to them. We don't know each other well enough to have those kinds of conversations at this point and I don't like that my identity is immediately sexualized in their eyes.

Instead of getting to know me a person, they were hyper-fixated on what I do in the bedroom, which made me feel like even more of a freak. I just tried to deflect the questions, but I could tell that upset them.

I'd say that person handed you an unexpected "gift" in being able to identify problematic behavioral issues.

Anybody, whether it's in person or someone you interact with on the internet or social media website, who is, as you stated in your post above, "hyper-fixated on what you do in the bedroom" or "immediately sexualizes your identity" is handing you a big giant Red Flag about them personally.

Consider yourself fortunate that they revealed this aspect about themselves because it saves you from any number of unfortunate scenarios between yourself and the person who reveals these types of problematic behavioral issues.

I like it that you place your own personal safety and security first. Consider your observations about this type of individual as a job well done.

PS/ welcome to the community.