Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

my mom, i saw her for the first time since her near death scare back in May.

She looks good and made sure to complain so I know she really is better. She will never admit that to me though. She really has lost her filter, there were some embarrassing comments made and it hurt people, the same people trying to help her. I cringe when we are all together. I know that i am the target when we are not together.

We said goodbye after a biting comment from her. I’m always left with the last word being hers and hurtful.

Each time i interact with her I am hopeful that we can come to a mother -daughter place.

I am starting to think that will never happen. It’s just not who she is.

[Chad]

Well, living with mom has been a bit of a challenge. I am just not good at living with other humans. All my bad habits from being unhappy return.

The biggest issue for her is still the fact that I don't eat very much. She likes her three meals a day.

At Christmas I heard her complain to her brother that I am gone a lot and that I don't eat. Ugh, I always make sure that she has home cooked food to eat even when I don't join her.

Yesterday, we went to her old town to empty another rented storage bin. Since it is only me moving stuff it makes me very upset to move around what I consider junk. We are down from 5 rented storage bins to 3. But my body suffers from the work and again there is no one to help me.

I feel exhausted and a little hopeless about her stuff.

[Oklahomagal]

Its so refreshing to read everyone's stories. I was a caregiver for the mentally challenges for over 5 years. I love it and miss it.

[Chad]

I am honoring my responsibility. I give mom everything that she needs.

However, as a self described loner this is harder than I imagined it would be. I don't thrive well living with other humans and it is starting to weigh on me personally.

I see no other solutions but to buck it up and make mom the priority.

[JustLovelyJenn]

New levels of caregiving in mylife.

In January my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. With my parents living with me again that makes me the primary caregiver for my mother and the secondary caregiver for my father (when mom is not well).

I have been attending doctors appointments with her and taking notes, I accompanied her to the hospital and waited (for 5 hours) while she had her lumpectomy.

The lumpectomy was successful, on the second attempt. During the first one she went into afib and her blood pressure bottomed out. They immediatly stopped the surgery and admitted her to the hospital overnight for testing and observation. So that left me to take care of dad alone for the first time.

OMGoodness... he is so obstinent and resentful. He hates being reminded of the things he needs to do, but he refuses to do the things he should, even when he DOES remember.

I feel overwhelmed, worried, and anxious. But there are also feeling of hopefulness. This is all looking like it will have a positive outcome so far.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I went to see my mom this weekend, and it was a good visit. She seems to be doing better, which I think may be because she's spending more time at my sister's house. They finished her mother-in-law suite, and it is really nice. It is still difficult for her to think of the words she wants to say, but I just wait for her, as when I'm visiting her I literally have all the time in the world to wait. I concentrate on not letting it get on my nerves, and not trying to finish her sentences for her unless she's really stuck on a word.

We went on a shopping trip to the mall to get a birthday present for my sister. My mom was able to express some opinions on different items, which she often gets frustrated and cannot do. We also cooked together - this is hard for her nowadays, as well, but she's fine as long as she only has to make one dish. I also showed her my Zentangle workbook, and we drew some Zentangles together. I was very pleased to see that she was able to draw and make some decisions of her own about what to draw, and make artistic decisions.

She seems to be on top of her medications, too. My sister made her a very explicit pill box container, that is color, time and date coded. It really seems to be working for Mom. The times when I checked on her this weekend, she had taken her pills on time. I think this is something that has improved by her staying with my sister also - they keep her on schedule, and so now it has become a habit.

My mom is not ready to go live with my sister full-time, although my sister wants her to. Mom talked about how calming it is for her to work in her yard; she is a very accomplished gardener, and her yard shows it. If she stays away from it for more than a few days, though, it can start to get away from her. She is completely against having someone come and do her gardening for her, even just to cut the grass. She also enjoys being on her own for periods of time. I'm hoping she will be able to hang in there and continue to enjoy her own home for as long as possible.

As for me, I'm feeling a good deal more relaxed than the last time I saw her. Her medications are straightened out. She's keeping herself fed, the house is super-clean as always, and of course her yard is lovely at this time of year. She knows the people who live around her, and our relatives and some family friends drop by and see her from time to time. Honestly, I'm more worried about my sister than my mom at this point. She is stretched thin by all she takes on. I'm not sure what else I can take on to help her at this point, but at least I can give her a reassuring report from my visit this weekend.

[RockOn]

Bless your Mom, your Sister and YOU.
Heart touching story! Thanks!

[GeorgiaMa'am]

This was not a great weekend with my mom, and now I'm exhausted. Just driving all the way to see her wears me out, and I usually try to take Monday off when I get back to rest up and get ready for the coming week. But no, I rolled in here late last night, and I had to get up early today to get ready for work (visit from the new president - three days).

She has now started obsessing over things she has to remember. She must have checked her medication 40 times on Saturday, to make sure she had taken it. I guess that's better than her forgetting it. But she fussed over it every time, full of worry. It's hard to see her feel so compelled.

She also cried over my dad - but the bad part is that she quickly stifled herself, not giving in to the tears, and berated herself for not being "strong, like other women". I know she still cries, which is sad, but it's normal I think. She met my dad in high school and they were together until just two years ago. He was her entire life. What's worse is that she's still grieving so deeply, and not feeling it's okay for her to do so, and she doesn't feel like she should share these feelings with anybody. I tried to be sympathetic and say the right things, but she doesn't really want my sympathy.

She wants us to go on pretending like everything is okay. Of course, everything is not okay. In addition to my dad being gone, her memory seemed to be worse this time. Even more terrible is that she beats herself up over it, as though she should be able to control this awful dementia that is taking her language skills and memories away.

We were able to have some good talks this weekend, and we ate some delicious food (that I prepared, with her "help". We used to be able to cook together, as long as she was only in charge of a single thing, but now even that is getting beyond her, and she knows it.)

I'm starting to miss my mom. And yet, she's still here. But in some ways, she's not.