PTSD and Trauma recovery

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I have been requested to start a thread on Trauma survival and recovery.

I looked up symptoms of PTSD as a place to start.

Symptoms of PTSD can include:

• Hypervigilance and scanning Y
• Elevated startle response Y
• Blunted affect, psychic numbing Y
• Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) Y controlling, N aggressive
• Interruption of memory and concentration Y
• Depression N
• Generalized anxiety Y
• Violent eruptions of rage N
• Substance abuse Y
• Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety Y
• Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks Y
• Insomnia Y
• Suicidal ideation N
• Survivor guilt N

Thoughts?

tomorrow will be my 5th therapy session and we still have not gotten through the whole list of my traumas. I have had PTSD since the 8th grade (homophobic bullying) and since then there has been maternal bullying, mean girl bullying, paternal covert incest, 4 batterers, 2 rapists, 1 road rage assault, two gunpoint robberies, and 1 narcissist fiancee who took me for 15k.

I sought therapy this year due to reemergence of dissociative symptoms following multiple incidents of workplace bullying by a board member and one incident of closed-door illegal electoral coercion by the mayor.

We have not gotten to 3 of the batterers or the covert incest.

[candy_coated_bitch]

I have severe cPTSD and relate to pretty much all the symptoms listed. I have a laundry list of traumas in my life that I'm not comfortable listing here, but my therapist and I are just beginning to scratch the surface. I'm starting to talk about my memories specifically which I have never done before.

My therapist does EMDR, which is supposed to be really good for reintegration of traumatic memories. I've done it once with something smaller than a major trauma to test it out and I found it very helpful. I am hopeful for the first time in my life that I will be able to deal with my traumas.

I've really been struggling lately with sleep and nightmares, dissociation, anxiety attacks, and some major depression due to some family triggers. I'm trying to be gentle with myself.

Solidarity to everyone struggling with PTSD.

[Vincent]

I was Diagnosed with PTSD in Aug 2013 by a welfare worker,after a suicide attempt,a week before coming to the USA to see my GF in LA.
on my return I went to the PTSD clinic here,a specialist unit,I ticked all boxes,I felt I had lost my mind,sadaly my r'ship ended,as travel in that condition was crazy,but I had no idea,I was diagnosed with depression,bipolar or whatever for years and seeing shrinks from 2 years old.
In 2014 I started seeing a specilast in PTSD in Sydney,1 of only 3 in Syd reccomended by Westmead PTSD clinic

Sad as it is,I finally found out, what I had,turns out I have C PTSD from early childhood trauma,my mother a malignant narcissist.
But I finally had an answer on why most my life I had had some crazy behavour,drugs,drinking,fighting only ever with men,was like I couldnt feel pain,anything to escape.

Through my therapist,I learnt CBT,"Cognitive Behavoural Therapy"I also learnt that they really dont know much about CPTSD,they understand PTSD more,CPTSD is still in early discovery.

I learnt the Trauma was in the brain stem the old part of the brain,the Flight or fight and that I needed to learn, to activate the frontal lobes of my brain,through doing things I enjoy,my main thing is music and my dog Scout.

I also moved to a warmer climate and I love gardening and exercise helps as well.

BUT my BIG one,NO FAMILY they trigger me and I now see them all, as an accident of DNA.

If your CPTSD is from a narcissist in the family, usually there is not just one in a family,but several,I'm Irish catholic so theres lots of us,but ive always been an outsider,theres only one way to deal with narcs,"no contact"

Of course its horrible to have this and know it was done to me,"early childhood symptoms are bedwetting and speech impedement,I had both as a child.

But knowledge is power,I dont have r'ships no more,coz I seem to numb out and I get scared and run,I hurt people,I hurt me too,I did love my ex.
So its better to be a bit of a hermit,and be careful who I let in

Sad thing is,I say I trust people,truth is I only trust myself,its all I have ever had,is me.

thanks for this thread,its like a coming out of the closet,no not a closet a cell.

[CherylNYC]

This is an interesting discussion for me. I've had many PTSD symptoms from my earliest memories, but I never self identified as having this disorder. I used to have very obvious symptoms, but I became aware in my early 20s that I was freaking other people out with my 'thousand mile stare', for instance. And my obvious hyper vigilance, among other things. I worked super hard to control all the symptoms that another person might notice because I somehow thought that was the best way for me to move forward and function well.

I left my family early and broke off most contact, devised a plan to make my life work, and I stuck to it. I chose the seemingly most well socialized people I knew and I carefully watched what they did, and how they reacted in all life situations. Then I tried my best to mimic them. It was easy enough to train myself out of some of what I called my 'bad habits', but some behaviors were very well entrenched. Why wouldn't they be? They had saved my life at a time when I was endangered, so it felt/feels alarming to part with them. Like others here, my mother was a narcissist and my family was profoundly disfunctional. I survived several different forms of abuse. When I exploded out into the world as a teenager I had NO IDEA how to act right. Knowing that about myself was precious.

I didn't have many people in my childhood from whom I could model behaviour, so I worked like a dog to learn how to act right as a young adult. It's a LOT harder to get it right as an adult! It's like trying to learn another language. It comes naturally to us as kids, but it's rare to become fluent when you learn late. To this day I continue to look to others to model back to me whether or not I'm running off the rails. I really thought that was how to get 'er done. Even though it's supposed to be an autonomous response, I learned how to short circuit the 'thousand mile stare'. I learned how to talk myself down from anxiety spirals. I now understand that an exclusive behaviour modification approach was/is good for some things, but not so much for others.

Since I'm often making quick and accurate assessments of others in order to determine their suitability/safety for modeling behaviors, I find myself knowing things about them that they've never told me. Sometimes it's way too easy to read them. My closest friend has often found it stunning that I might know so much about people who haven't disclosed their history to me. One day that same very close friend said something to me about "Your PTSD symptoms..." Even though we were speaking on the phone at the time, I actually looked over both shoulders to see who she was talking about! And then it dawned on me that SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT ME!! She said it so matter-of-factly, like saying 'your calico cat'. Wow. It had never occurred to me to put myself in that category. Of course I had PTSD! How had it never crossed my mind? I can laugh at myself now, but it was an... interesting moment at the time.

I had sought therapy a few times over the years, but never found an effective one. As it happens, I was seeing a therapist when I had that revelatory conversation with my friend about PTSD. I told her about it and the therapist said that, yes, of course I had PTSD. Why had she never mentioned it? Because it was so freaking obvious that she thought it didn't need mentioning!!!

Well, now that that's all settled, I can see my own life in a clearer, more forgiving way. I'm grateful for the passage of time which really does blunt trauma. I still react strangely at times. I still get those symptoms, but everything is easier now that I'm so much further away from the experiences that traumatized me. This is going to stay with me until the end, I think. My life will never be easy the way it is for people without childhood traumas, but I'm in charge of myself and my reactions. I'm so much happier now.

[RockOn]

I really appreciate you posting this about your experiences. Glad you are able to have such a realistic view and able to describe the trama and growth so well.

Today I am able to say, "that was then, this is now" and it helps me a great deal to not get stuck.

Sometimes it is difficult for me to figure out things. I heard the "ding, ding, ding" bell several times as I read your post. Very helpful.

I have not awakened from a night terror in a great long while. I am grateful.

Best wishes -

Sincerely,
RockOn

[JustLovelyJenn]

I am going to add myself to the list here and hope that we can have some ongoing conversations. I am desperate for connections and support in this area at the moment.

As many of you know, I have a child with autism who has been the focus of much of my time and energy for many years. She came home last month from 17 months of inpatient psychiatric care. I didn't realize how much the last year before she left had effected me until she came back full time. Now I cant sleep. I panic over everything. I hate to be in spaces that I can not lock. Even the slightest suggestion of an argument has me retreating from an area, and ultimately from a person. It's impacted my relationship, my family life, my work and schooling. I feel like I have lost myself and I spend time every day trying not to break into tears for no apparent reason.

Sadly, the availability of resources where I am at is so limited. I tried counseling while my kiddo was gone, but it wasnt a good fit. There are only a handful of mental health services here that will be covered by my insurace, and because of the work I do, there is someone I know in every office and it makes me feel so uncomfortable going there. I am coming to terms a lot with taking space for my own feelings. I can't take care of others when I am not taking care of myself. This has had me reaching out to find more resources and I have an intake next week at the local domestic violence center.

How do we find resources for support in a rural area? Do any of you know of any online support groups that are good?

[Amulette]

I tend to be a very private person but I feel this is worthy of public discussion. I read in several posts about some of you having Narcissistic mothers. My heart goes out to you, it truly goes out to you. I share that family dynamic as well.

My mother is a Covert Cerebral Narcissist. She is highly intelligent, has psychic abilities and an impeccable facade. All of the dysfunction in our family is very insidious. It looks like one thing when in reality there is something else going on, and that something else is a taboo subject, you never bring it up. Well, being a rebel I did bring it up. I used to say there is so much BS swept under the rug that you can't see across the room. When I did, I became my Mothers enemy. I don't want to go on and on about the what's and how's of that reality. What I do want to share is how it felt.

The were some realities that were true. Meals were on time, our home was clean and pleasantly decorated, my parents worked, and our lives looked pretty much like that of every other family on our block. And then there were the ghosts of the emotional dishonesty and abuse that echoed through our lives.The ghosts were denied, yet kept whispering. Very confusing for an adult let alone for kids. It felt like standing on a tight rope balanced on one foot. You can see the ground but weather or not it is safe to try and step on it is never guaranteed.

People always say I am so calm and peaceful and I am, I'm very Scandinavian in that way. But is also surprises me because that little tight rope walker was always an underlying energy in my being. An anxious little bird. I spent many years following this and that Spiritual teacher, an honest journey but also looking for healing and to understand what was going on.

A few years ago I decided to try a new type of therapy. It's called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) I'm a big fan, partly because I was lucky and had a fabulous counselor. On about the third visit she asked me to go to this website. “Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers”. She said take a look at it and tell me what you think of it on our next visit.

Curious, I looked at it that night. OMG for the first time in my life the ghosts had a name. My feelings although denied were true. It was like an outline of what went on. What a freaking relief and sad reality all at once. It was a bit like seeing the sun rise for the first time.

Why I like EMDR. Say something happens to you that you are not able to feel and process, what ever that is. The way I see it the feelings become frozen and need a place to be stored. So they lodge in your body somewhere. Kind of like putting food in the freezer for later. For me talk alone does not move and resolve the energy of the event from my body. So while my mind understands what happened, I still don't feel better. EMDR actually allowed me to process, feel and release the events.

I believe that the the left and right brain stimulation produces a theta state of mind which (for me) allows me to relive painful events in an objective way, and often allows me to understand things I was unable to before. It feels safe and I feel curious even when it's intense. I feel like it helped me make real progress and even look forward to doing the work.

"Theta brainwaves correspond to a state of mind associated with dreams and waking dreams, as well as a deep meditative state. Theta brainwaves are slower than the Beta and Alpha activity we normally have in daily life. ... In a Theta state, you tap into the creative and intuitive resources of your mind."

Well, the book will follow. HAHAHAHA Sending love to all of you on this journey.