Any Other Adoptees Here? (Posts from non-adoptees also welcome)

[nycfem]

Uli, I appreciated that you started this thread, and also, in particular the thoughtful way in which you described your thoughts. It was very inclusive and meaningful to me.

Interestingly, all my cousins are adopted. One of them I am estranged from due to a falling out between my dad's side of the family and her parents. It's a shame because she is as nice as can be, a lovely person. She is so different from everyone in our family - not analytical, not neurotic, easygoing, simple- but not in a bad way, just lovely... though perhaps not much to talk about with her, not because she's not smart - she is very smart and successful. I cannot imagine that anyone with our bio family genetics could have ever created someone like her. I miss her but it was just one of those situations where we got caught in a difficult situation with our respective parents fighting. Such a shame. I am older than her and when we were young I used to sing a refrain from a song from by the Violent Femmes "I hear the rain, I hear the rain, got to kill the pain." Well as a little girl she would sing it along with me, the way little kids do. Then when she also became older she would still sing it to me, and we would laugh. It touched me that she would use it as a way to connect to me. She is stunning, very much unlike anyone in my genetic family. In high school she asked to find out the information on her bio parents but my aunt told her that she would need to go to therapy first so she dropped it.

Then I have two cousins on my mothers sides, sisters, though the two are not related to each other. One is in her thirties and a few years ago estranged herself from my aunt and uncle, who are her adoptive parents. It is just shocking. My aunt and uncle were good parents. They are somewhat distant and cold in personality but so was my cousin, so it's not like they had different personalities! My aunt and uncle are very upset about it and don't know what to do. They are hurt, angry, and confused. I still get together with my cousin. She gave some reason for cutting them off due to my aunt not keeping boundaries but the examples she gave were petty. My cousin is indeed cold and if I did not arrange to get together with her, we likely would never see each other, though she is amicable when we do get together. She told me never to cross share any information she shares with me with my aunt and uncle. Her bio mother wrote her a letter that was very nice and invited contact. My cousin barely even read the letter and referred to the bio mother as "stalker."

Her sister, my other cousin, reminds me of the cousin I described from my dad's side of the family. She is simple but also such a good, nice person. Again, not much to talk about with her, but I like her a lot. She is a big gamer and married someone she met on World of Warcraft and moved to Canada and married him. She is a horse jockey. Now, I'm sorry, but NO ONE with my family's genetics would ever be a horse jockey. We would never have those capabilities ever. For many years before the WOW marriage, she lived in a house with a bunch of jockeys in West Virginia who only speak Spanish and she doesn't speak Spanish. She was in a long relationship with one of them that was always fraught with problems. Now she's married to what we all privately refer to as a neanderthal. Still she's happy enough. He has kids from two prior marriages and she is the step-mom. They are very strict with their kids and raise them differently than they would be raised within the genetics of my mom's side of the family. This cousin has a history of lying which I've always been wary of but I like her a lot. She's an outsider. She likes living in very rural Canada. She relates MUCH more to animals than to people. She takes abused, broken horses and turns them into happy winners. She's very close with my aunt and uncle, so at least they have that. My cousin has never asked to get in contact with her bio mother. Her bio mother is known to be mentally ill and to live in London.

I have two step-sons with my husbutch. My husbutch raised the children with her ex-wife who is the biological mother of the children. They used two different donors. One of the boys is a lawyer with a big family, and they are all quite normal, almost to the point of being boring. I am at a loss for conversation with him and his wife. He recently did a 23 and me but I don't think anything special was found out. He was always wishing he had a way to meet his bio parents but I do not think there was a way.

My second step-son is in his twenties and is an unemployed, HIV+, gay, and heavily pierced and tattooed. He is very moody and has had problems emotionally and academically all his life. He is a huge source of stress for us, especially for my husbutch. He lives in Portland, Oregon. I don't think information is available regarding his donor.

When family members are adopted or even from half unknown genetic material (referring to donors in the case of my step-sons), it's always something that is thought about in regard to everything, even if not expressed.

I appreciate the opportunity to have a safe space to have this discussion.

[JDeere]

I will come back and respond later with my story.

[Uli]

Thanks, nycfem! That story of the song lyrics is so sweet and I love the Violent Femmes! It's a shame about both of the estrangements you mention.

Adopted people often struggle with attachment, which can manifest in a lot of different ways. I can so relate to the first cousin you talked about, because I, too, will often hold onto and continue to reference one certain thing that feels like evidence of my connection to someone.

Acknowledging the risk of projection here re: your cousin who estranged herself from her parents: I think it's super easy for some of the many feelings associated with being adopted to get misdirected/twisted up. I think it's one of the risks of trying to simplify a really complicated situation. If an adopted person has not had the experiences in life that lead one to understand that not all negative feelings are someone's fault, I can see how good adoptive parents can end up the target of a lot of anger that they didn't necessarily deserve.

Just to further illustrate what I'm trying to convey, here's an example that most of us have probably experienced: if we find ourselves attracted to or crushing on someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings, we are likely to feel bad about ourselves/sad/unworthy/rejected/etc. but those feelings aren't the fault of the person we were crushing on (assuming they responded honestly and kindly), it's just a situation that sucks and no one necessarily did anything wrong.

It was very satisfying to me to read your words about your cousins, how you easily acknowledge the differences and lack of things in common, while still expressing love for them and your connections to them. A lot of people feel the need to walk on eggshells around the topic of adoption, and I don't know if this is universal, but for me that has contributed to the feeling of being an alien. As a child, I was sensitive enough to notice that people got kinda nervous and much more careful when the topic of me being adopted came up, but the words that were said to me were all superfluous 'adoption is so SO wonderful and you are SO special!' - it was difficult for my kid brain to reconcile those two things, like if it's so flipping great why does everyone get weird about it?

My mom used to say that she and my dad could have never made a baby as pretty as me, which was sweet, but she has never been able to acknowledge the deeper and more challenging stuff that happened because of our differences. On the other hand, she was such a champion for me with teachers' and others' reactions to my being adopted. I remember more than one of my teachers calling home with concern after I talked openly in class about being adopted, and my mother responding, "So? She is adopted and unless she was disrupting class, I don't see why her talking about it concerns you."

I don't always know if I have a point when I'm talking about all this stuff. Anyway, I appreiate your participation in this thread, nycfem

[CherylNYC]

I'm not adopted, but my closest friend, N, (we call each other sister), has always known that she and her non-biological brother were adopted. In our generation families often tried to keep their adopted status secret from the kids. Her adoptive family wasn't perfect, but she was very much loved and wanted.

I've always admired N for the matter-of-fact way she went about finding her birth family, and for the thoughtful boundaries she set with them. She certainly had many emotions about it and them, but she was impressively self possessed when she actually met them.

It's probably been almost ten years since I found out that my father's paternity is very much in question. The evidence, it seems, points strongly towards a man who was not the one he knew as his father. This has absolutely no practical bearing on my life as I live it now. All of those people are long gone, and I never even knew my father's father, or the man who most likely sired my father. Even so, I was truly shocked at how much the information addled my brain and swirled my emotions. I can't think of any logical reason why that new information would have had such a strong affect on me, but it did. For lack of a better word, it made me feel... weird!

That experience made me admire N even more. I can't imagine how confused and overwrought I would feel in her situation. My tiny little family scandal, which really did confuse me for a bit, is nothing compared to meeting birth family when you're adopted.

[JDeere]

I was adopted when I was 2 days old.

I knew I was different from the age of 5, I was given a book called "Why Was I Adopted", it's a kiddo book. I read it and yeah that aint the way it goes sometimes with things.

Anywho I turned 18 and my adoptive family hired a PI to find out any more information they could about my Bio family. They only had 2 names and the first information that popped up was my oldest half sister, who is now 62. I called and we talked, met up once and then lost touch due to her addiction problems. I also further learned that I have a half brother in prison for life, for the murder of his paternal grandmother, I went to see him in prison, he had no idea about me but haven't spoken to him since, he is a Lifer. I also have 2 more half sisters before me, different fathers as well, we no longer speak to each other, we talk about each other actually and yes it is very drama filled, will explain more later. Then I have 3 more younger half sisters below me, met them as well, I only speak to 2 of them currently, was also told that my birth mother lost a set of twins as well. So in all there were 10 of us by my birth mother.

Mother passed last year in March, I went to her memorial in Missouri, I met her once before at my nephews funeral in 2014. I never got an apology or heard the truth from her mouth as to how I became on this earth, why she truly gave me up and who my birth father truly is or any other information to help with my search for him. I forgave her and made amends with her at the funeral home, before they wheeled her out to be cremated.

Later I found out the truth about how I came about from my oldest half sister, she was around when mom was pregnant with me,etc. I am the product of an extra martial affair, my birth father was married, having an affair with my birth mother, told her he didn't want kids but lied about him being married. He took off before I was born and even left the state to avoid problems, I know his name and possible location but right now is not a good time for me to continue my search, financially and emotionally as well as mentally, I can't handle much more right now.

My family was torn apart when mom died, a life insurance policy and resentment towards me and my so called wonderful life and upbringing caused 4 of my sisters to go off on me in person and on facebook. I only talk to 2 sisters now, as well as one of her brothers and sister, I do not speak to the others for several reasons and it will stay that way.

I have a ton of nieces and nephews as well as greats, which is cool cuz I can borrow one of em when I visit and don't have to take them home LOL

I do know my family's history from ethnic background to health problems, which I really needed to know so I am grateful for meeting who I have on my birth moms side.

My life has not been the same, I feel cheated and I'm pretty much mad a huge majority of the day in the last year. However not every story is good and not every story is bad when it comes to being adopted, it's how you choose to react and live life.

[Uli]

Thank you for sharing your story, JDeere. I totally feel you about not having the energy to seek out your birth father. I have the information about him that my birth mom helped me find and he only lives about an hour from me (while my birth mom lives several states away), but I just don't have it in me to try to contact him currently. Plus, for whatever reason, I never wondered as much about him as I did about my birth mom, maybe that will change, I don't know.

It really sucks that your half-siblings were unkind to you. I have two maternal half-siblings, both significantly younger than me. I haven't had much interaction with them, and b-mom didn't tell them about me until recently, but she said they both reacted favorably. We did not include them in the initial meeting because it seemed like it would be too much all at once.

[Chad]

I am adopted. I met both sides of my blood family. All that I am willing to report here is that thank goodness that I was born and that I was adopted by a good family. Adoption can be a great gift to all involved.

[theoddz]

I was adopted when I was 3 months old, by parents who were 100% Swedish (Mom) and 100% Chinese (Dad). They had adopted my biological half sister at 13 months of age and when contacted about my birth mother's subsequent pregnancy with me, couldn't bear the thought of separating two blood siblings, so they adopted me, too. My sister and I have different biological fathers but share the same birth mother. Her father was full Chinese and mine was....well..."unknown", but obviously tall, fair and blonde, because that's how I look. My sister looks decidedly Asian (see my gallery) and closely resembles my adopted Dad, while I look much like my adopted Mom.....Swedish!!

I have been looking for my biological family, on and off, ever since I was 17 years old. Mom and Dad raised my sister and me with the knowledge that we were adopted, ever since we were small children. Mom used to read us a book called "The Adopted Family" when we were small, and always answered our questions about our origins with honesty and tenderness, explaining that (in her words) she and Dad "couldn't love us more, had they had us themselves", and that we were "very special", since we had been chosen and wanted. I can honestly say that there wasn't a day in my life, either in childhood or adulthood, that I ever doubted my parents' love for my sister and me. Mom, in particular, was very openly and demonstratively affectionate, while my father was a bit more reserved, due to his old school Chinese cultural background. To this very day, Paul Simon's song, "Loves Me Like a Rock" reminds me of my folks and their love for my sister and me. We had a wonderful childhood, despite the fact that my folks divorced when my sister and I were 12 and 13.

Part of this love that my mother had for us enabled her to be my best ally and friend, when I told her, at age 17, that I wanted to try to find my birth parents. My mother, having been a writer, knew the value of saving paperwork from an early age, so to my benefit, she was about to produce several fat files of letters and correspondence she had saved that consisted of hers and Dad's letters, back and forth, from the adoption caseworkers of the Children's Home Society of Florida. As fate would have it, my adopted maternal grandmother (Mom's Mom), had also been separated from her birth mother and siblings in the early 1900's and was never able to reunite with them, after endless searching and going from poorhouse to poorhouse in rural Iowa/Illinois, looking for information. Mother told me, "I don't want my kids having to search and search for their birth family like my mother had to." Mom was a great source of both help and support to me on my search. I've been very lucky and have had the best parents anyone could have ever asked for.

My sister and I had both been born and adopted by Mom and Dad in Florida, with us both having what is known as "closed/sealed" adoptions through the Children's Home Society of Florida. This means that though we each have 2 birth certificates (I actually currently have 3), but the first one is sealed and can only be opened by court order. Usually, that court order is because of a verified and severe life and death matter, when a blood relative is medically needed. Suffice to say, I have never had any luck in finding out anything but the "non-identifying" information about my birth family. I don't have any names or definite places in that information. I don't even have any idea of even what time of day I was born or which hospital, and neither does my sister. We were born in different cities. Neither of us has any idea of even which hospital we were born in. I have read where, in some cases, even a birth date or location has been falsified on adoption paperwork, to mislead and confuse a person who might be looking for "closed information" on their adoption. The State of Florida has a sad reputation for being more regressive than progressive on the evolution of their adoption laws, historically. I keep hoping that, in the event that Florida becomes more progressive in the upcoming years, they might relax their adoption laws a bit and permit adoptees to obtain their correct birth information, along with the names of their parents. In my opinion, my birthright includes the right to know where I come from.

I've seen shows like "Long Lost Family" and a few friends have suggested that I write to them and tell them about my and my sister's situation with our adoptions and ask them to help. I've often thought that I might do that, but then the issue of my "trans" occurs to me and I don't know if I would really want to put myself out there in these days and times of hatred and violence against our LGBTQI community. I sincerely have no idea about the reception I would face from biological family members. The non identifying info I do have says that our birth mother's family comes from south Georgia, with a Southern Baptist background. I was raised in Savannah for most all of my life, so I'm acutely aware of how conservative the state, as a whole, is. So, here I sit in my conundrum, wondering what I should do. Time is ticking, as our birth mother was 19 when I (or my sister...we aren't sure) was born, so she would be around 78/79 years old now, if she's still living.

My adopted parents are both now deceased and my sister and I, with her two children (each of them have a child of their own now) are what's left of our immediate blood family, so I am left to wonder if now might be the time to shed my fears and insecurities and see if I can make some new progress on my search. My sister and I have both done the ancestry.com DNA tests and come up as "extremely close" relatives, which we expected, along with what seems like a plethora of "cousins", both 2nd and varying degrees removed, but it's all so complicated to figure these things out. Our old neighbor from Las Vegas is very adept at genealogy, and has been helping me out as she can, and has been able to make quite a bit of headway with the ancestry.com info, along with some additional information I received from another DNA survey I took on 23andme.com. I guess we'll just have to see what turns up. Searching has certainly had its moments, both discouraging and exhilarating. One thing is for certain, though....it's going to take a lot of time and patience, if I'm ever able to find out anything.

My best wishes go out to others who are also out there looking for their roots.

~Theo~

[Uli]

Thanks for sharing, Cheryl! I hope that I manage to be impressively self-possessed tomorrow!

It's interesting that you mention how well N set boundaries with her bio-family - I would say that I am historically just ok at setting boundaries to protect myself, not the worst and not the best, but I suddenly became an excellent boundary setter the moment i made contact with my bio-family! I haven't offered a single centimeter more of myself than I was sure I could handle sharing, and that's not typically my best trick. And, it isnt even that I have any specific reason to believe my vulnerability wouldn't be safe with my birth-mom, so far she seems like a thoughtful, self-aware person with appropriate self control. There is simply some intuitive part of me that knows she and I are not meant to process each other's emotions in any direct way.

I'm sort of terrified that I have absolutely no sense of how it will feel or how I will react to being near the body that birthed mine. I like to know what I'm getting into but I have no frame of reference for this. I've gotten really good at coping with feeling like an alien most of the time, so the possibility that I won't feel like that anymore is just as scary as the possibility that I still will.