Any Other Adoptees Here? (Posts from non-adoptees also welcome)

[Apocalipstic]

What wonderful posts and how differently we look at adoption!

For me, I struggle with the thought of giving a person away to someone you do not know. That the shame of being related to a bastard child is such that it is still, to this day, often preferable to give the helpless child away. or even sell them.

I have spent most of my life wishing that abortion had been legal when I was born. I have softened on this stance, but still hate the idea of being given away, so that my biological grandparents would not have to be embarrassed by my existence.

When people say I should be thankful, I want to throw up. My childhood was super hard. When I met my bio parents I was devastated that no one was one little bit sorry about any of it.

Is adopting children better then leaving them in an orphanage? I guess so? I think it depends on circumstances.

I have grown closer with my adopted cousins and sister as I have aged and consider them my family. The Ancestry.com thing continues to kind of hurt, because I really can't dig back without outing myself to people who would not even look at me when I met them years ago. The child of shame, the bastard.

[easygoingfemme]

I have five adopted cousins. Four still living. One was so sick he only lived a few months. My oldest adopted cousin is from Korea. When he turned 18 he had the opportunity to go to the orphanage in Korea where he was when he was adopted and he helped bring home a baby who was being adopted in the states. It was a very important trip for him. I remember him telling me how exciting it was to not be the shortest person in the room. Next were two boys adopted from India. One lived, the other did not. They were not blood brothers. When the one later had three children it meant so much to him to have people in his family who looked like him. Later, my aunt and uncle adopted two children they were fostering. One with Cerebral Palsy, and another with severe brain damage from abuse as a baby. There were many other foster children through the years. But now my aunt and uncle are older and the two youngest have so many special needs they can't take care of youngsters anymore.

[Apocalipstic]

Its so hard. Unwanted people. Birthcontrol should be readily available and free to women worldwide!

A global change of mindset to where babies born are celebrated because they are wanted.

Food and medical care for everyone. Shelter. Education.

The resources exist, but greed is stronger.

[Uli]

Apocalipstic, I, too, absolutely HATE IT when people tell adoptees that we should be thankful! We didn't ask to be born. We didn't choose any of what happened to us. My parents wanted a second baby and they got one.

I think I actually hate it when anyone tells any kids that they *should* be thankful, but it's extra shitty when it's said to adoptees. I think modeling gratitude to kids is great, because cultivating gratitude is good self-care, but that is not the same as telling them they *should* be grateful. Adults make/choose to adopt/foster babies and are required to keep them safe and cared for. Failing to do so is unethical and in many cases a crime, as it should be. Babies are not required to be grateful for that. When children are probably cared for, they often do end up feeling grateful, and that's great, but it's not a 'should'.

[Uli]

I just wanted to share this link with my fellow adoptees: http://adultadopteesupport.freeforums.net/

Joining is a bit of a process, but I think It's worth it because knowing you are not alone in your feelings/experiences can be so healing.

I would add that the general tenor of these forums is pretty anti-adoption. Like, It's making me ask myself if I am suppressing a bunch of anger or if I already processed it and just can't recall It's intensity now . . .

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Uli

I just wanted to share this link with my fellow adoptees: http://adultadopteesupport.freeforums.net/

Joining is a bit of a process, but I think It's worth it because knowing you are not alone in your feelings/experiences can be so healing.

I would add that the general tenor of these forums is pretty anti-adoption. Like, It's making me ask myself if I am suppressing a bunch of anger or if I already processed it and just can't recall It's intensity now . . .

I have always been super anti.As I have gotten older I have made myself let go of some of the anger because it was eating me up.

[Uli]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I have always been super anti.As I have gotten older I have made myself let go of some of the anger because it was eating me up.

I have never been fully anti or pro - it's always been complicated to me. There are things in my specific story that I have been angry about and there are things about the adoption system that I remain angry about. To this day, the adoption process does not center the needs of children. The science showing the trauma that happens to babies who are deprived access to their mother has been clear for DECADES, and it is still taboo to talk about adoption as anything other than a super happy, joyous occassion. Birth mothers are brave and selfless, adoptive parents are heroes, and adoptees should feel lucky is still the prevailing narrative and I will remain angry about that until it changes. Adoption is trauma, grief, and loss for adoptees. Trauma, grief, and loss *can* be processed and lead to strength, resiliance, etc. There *can* be a happy ending. But, not if we keep pretending that the trauma, grief, and loss aren't real.

[Apocalipstic]

Fellow Adoptees! You are wanted and accepted and loved here, no matter what your upbringing was.

Our society needs to catch up with us. Screw "being born out of wedlock" and being a "bastard child".

We are more than that, and it is society that is a failure in this regard up, not us.

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

<snipped for brevity>

Our society needs to catch up with us. Screw "being born out of wedlock" and being a "bastard child".

We are more than that, and it is society that is a failure in this regard up, not us.

I am not an adoptee, but I can relate to what you've said above, Apocalipstic.

My dad's youngest brother was adopted formally by my dad's mother's only living sister, whom could not have children. My dad's mother was married to an alcoholic, of epic proportion, and her husband died of alcoholism, back in the late 1930s, during the depression and before the outbreak of WW2. My dad and his twin, were the youngest of the brood of 9 siblings, when right after her husband died, she learned she was pregnant with my dad's youngest, not yet born, brother. She was SO poor, with being left to raise 9 kids on her own, and pregnant with her last, my dad's youngest brother, that her only sister hatched an idea. My dad's aunt's idea was for all of them to live with her and my uncle, while she took up doing laundry for prominent members of their community circle. When Dad's mom became ill with heart troubles and could no longer wash and hang laundry up to dry and iron it, she ended up in a long term Catholic home for the elderly and eventually died there, due to her heart condition (which no doctor had a remedy for). So, my great-aunt and uncle cared for all the kids and as my dad and his twin brother and other older brothers went off to serve in the war, the only kid left was my dad's youngest brother, whom my aunt and uncle formally adopted... *Because* … back then, there was tons of social shame for women to bear if you had to leave your husband or your husband left you or some other shameful social ill (in my dad's mother's case, it was her dead beat husband who literally died in a gutter with a bottle in his hand) and to prevent grotesque rumors, designed to impugn one's character, my aunt and uncle saved my dad and his siblings from being socially ruined by other's peoples ideas about x, y or z.

Just a few years ago, my dad's youngest brother passed away from the same heart condition their mother had. At his funeral, my youngest brother (who attended), blurted out that Uncle Jerry was actually our dad's youngest brother. Relatives were so upset that the family 'secret' was revealed without their knowledge that our great-aunt and uncle had adopted Jerry to save the family from socially ruined by other peoples misguided knowledge about how any it came about.

My great-aunt was concerned about her nieces and nephews reputations being sullied by people who would hold it against all the kids that their mother was horribly poor and couldn't afford to take care of any of them, until my aunt and uncle stepped in and brought all of them into their care, while their mother died an untimely death and to keep them from being separated out to any number of undisclosed locations. My great-aunt foresaw the social consequences that lay ahead for all of them and sought to protect them from not having a fair chance in life, free of socially generated untrue rumors or people mistreating them because of the social shame around their mother being so poor and dying an early death, right after their dad died of alcoholism.

When we were growing up, it was Aunt Nancy and Uncle Jerry and their kids and us kids called each other cousins. And we were truly cousins; just not in the same vein as how they thought we were cousins. They thought of us as pretend cousins, when in actuality we actually were each other's cousin.

What a mess, right?

I don't think Jerry's side of the family is ultimately over finding out that they were actually our closest kin. They liked the pretend version of our family vs the reality of our family's history.

Our dad and mom coached all of us kids to never let the family secret out that we knew we were actually related. Our great-aunt and uncle were still alive back then, but even after they passed and there was no reason for the family 'secret' to be kept hidden from others, it was a secret my youngest brother decided to end, when our dad's youngest brother passed away a few years ago.

So I hear you and totally agree, that society needs to stop shaming others for their inability to present an immaculate picture perfect family.

There's no such thing, and it would be so nice if people could come to show care and concern for others who don't have, or were not born into, a perfect life.

[JDeere]

Age to tell kids when they are adopted. I found out at 5, my life has been shit since, I'm grateful for my family and parents but my life is still shit. My mental health is horrible as well as other things which I feel is directly related to not knowing things.


https://www.theatlantic.com/family/a...-study/594496/

[Chad]

My name, it is a good name but it is not me. I met my birth father but I don't like his name either. I am 1/4 Cherokee maybe they have a name for me but I may not like that either.
I recently learned that some folks have a rich history in their name, I wish that I had that too.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Chad

My name, it is a good name but it is not me. I met my birth father but I don't like his name either. I am 1/4 Cherokee maybe they have a name for me but I may not like that either.
I recently learned that some folks have a rich history in their name, I wish that I had that too.

I get that Chad. I don't relate to my names either.

[JDeere]

I am being sent a free DNA kit from a woman, who is helping me in my search for my birth father, she said its a bit older so if it doesn't work well, they will send a new one to me or her.

I am not for sure this man is my birth father but I am going to put my dna on the registry and see what happens.

I am getting a ton of backlash for doing this, a majority of the people in my life are against me doing this, I think to save me from getting hurt. That needs to stop I'm 42 years old, I can manage.

[JDeere]

MY DNA IS HERE, ITS HERE ITS HERE ITS HERE!!!

Does lil jig around the room!

I gotta register my kit before I spit and send it off!

[JDeere]

Ancestry received my sample on the 13th, it will take awhile to see if they get anything or if I have to redo my sample.

[Chad]

I contacted my sister today. She is not even my real sister she was adopted into my blood family. I miss my half brother and want to see him so she is the gate keeper. I am not even sure if my birth mom is still alive.

The entire situation is yucky. But I do have brothers and I want to see them.

[Chad]

I found out last week that my birth mother passed. My birth father passed a few years ago.

It is a weird feeling because I met them. On my birth mother's side my great great grandmother was 100% Cherokee. What an honor to have her blood in my veins. I still have my birth siblings but we are not close.

Life is weird sometimes. My mom does not even remember that I am adopted so it is the elephant in the room.

[JDeere]

So as I posted on another thread...

My dna was linked to several members of my biological fathers family...

I have 3 more half sisters and 1 more half brother to add to my brood.

In total this makes 14 half siblings....

With alot more nieces, nephews, greats.

They do not live that far from me so hopefully a visit will be in order soon to hang out and meet these newbies....

My bio father passed in 1999 at age 48/49 of lung cancer.


So I kinda have closure in a sense but still so many unanswered questions.

[JDeere]

Since both my bio parents are deceased, I am having some issues with my own identity of who I really am.

IDK if anyone else can relate, like you were raised by someone else but that isn't who you are, know what I mean?

[Chad]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Since both my bio parents are deceased, I am having some issues with my own identity of who I really am.

IDK if anyone else can relate, like you were raised by someone else but that isn't who you are, know what I mean?

I get that. Both my bio parents passed. Fortunately, I was able to meet them and my siblings. At forty I learned where my blood came from and our health history. Even so, I feel a little alone in this world.