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I am so not ok today. I just had to call 911 and have my child arrested and sent to juvie... she attacked me and threatened to hurt herself and others in my home because I told her I was taking away her tablet for non-compliant and disrespectful behavior. I had 5 officers in my home, she left in handcuffs. My arm is starting to bruise where she slammed it in her door. I was so hopeful that we wouldnt get to this place again... that her time in residential care would have given her the skills and the motivation to be at home and be in a positive and productive place with everyone in our family. Now, I dont know what to do. I dont want to do this all again. And I just cant stop crying.
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As long as you are holding space for her productive behavior to the same extent you are enforcing accountability for her dysfunctional behavior you are doing everything there is for you to do.
Hugs to you, i know it is hard
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My therapist is testing my IQ today. I'm nervous
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i remember the last time it was really easy-- like i did not even realize that was what they were testing, bc i also had a Rorschach and the old MMPI that day
She said last week that most people think it's fun
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It doesn't usually change much - I'm surprised they would want to do it again, unless you've had a brain injury or something. Don't sweat it!
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i was supposed to be allowed to know after discharge, but i discharged before they wanted me to and my parents did not follow up on it (i was a minor) My therapist wants to know bc the Dr. who did my ADHD testing did the processing speed section of the IQ (WAIS) test and found significant deviation from the norm.
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We did not finish the test last week. We will finish today i think. She said it does not have to be done all at once
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Unusual for a therapist to give a Wechsler. I assume she's a clinical psychologist. She said most people enjoy it? Does that suggest she gives them often? Trippy for a therapist to be administering these often. I can't imagine the context. Obviously for a complete evaluation, but therapists rarely need or use those. And people who give them often are usually people whose jobs are doing psych evals, not therapy. It's none of my business, and you're smart and well-educated so I assume there's a good reason. I'm kind of like Georgia_Ma'am in thinking they usually get re-done after a brain injury for people applying for disability or something. But there's lots I don't know.
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Hi all, so sorry I have not been here to give support! So very sorry and light and healing vibes to all who shared.
Its crazy how PTSD seems to layer in more trauma over the years. Like the oroginal trama/s get wrapped up in more traumas as they happen. Or new traumas cause us to rething and replay old traumas? I am not sure how to explain it. I won't go into what happened. I wrote a whole thing, but don't want to trigger anyone. I just want us all to be ok. So many people are not. Just Jenn, I hope things are getting better for you. Sending love and light to all of you. Its a scary world.
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She's going to have to sell it to me
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Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)
Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it. Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited. Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.) This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization. ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so. AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected. There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago. The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance. Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective. My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling. These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me. Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too. It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.
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I wish people could deal with each other's weird spaces without gaslighting them into feeling bad about themselves. I can really relate to that. I am so glad you are getting answers!!! ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
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Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....
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1. spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-invisible-link-between-autism-and-anorexia/ Some estimates hold that as much as 20 percent of people with enduring eating disorders have autism. Because girls with autism are frequently underdiagnosed, it’s often an eating disorder that first brings them to clinical attention — although men and boys with autism can and do develop eating disorders, most of the research and clinical attention has focused on girls and women. This gender bias has led some to refer to anorexia as ‘the female Asperger’s.’2. My therapist is really leaning in to the autism diagnosis and focusing almost all of our sessions on it. I am scheduled for formal assessment on September 22 ![]()
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Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.
My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.
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Jenn, You did exactly what you needed to do.. I dont know what is wrong wit your daughter so I cant speak as if I do.. But either way, if she is being violent and threatening to hurt herself and others , she needed to be sent out of the house..... I have worked in Human Services for years and this is what a therapist or clinician would advise you to do... The only thing that you can do is be there for your daughter, show support and love, ALOT of the people I have worked with never had anyone to show they cared or supported them... (((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))..I know its hard and heartbreaking to have to do that to your own child.. But you did what was in her best interest and what was in the best interest of the other people in your household... Hang in there Jenn... I know it feels like a losing battle
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My daughter has autism, adhd, and disruptive mood disregulation disorder. This is not her first time attacking people in our home. The last time led to a 16 month stay in residential care. This is the first serious attack since she got home in June. Its having a huge impact. My oldest daughter is refuses to come out of her room unless absolutely necessary, tension between my parents (who live with me and I also take care of) is higher than ever, and haven't been able to function in my house since she left. I come straight into my room and have a panic attack every time I have to leave. I am looking for a new therapist for myself, working with my daughters mental health team to bring extra support in the house... but bringing her home this time was harder than ever. While she was in juvie she was angry and aggressive in every interaction we had, no matter who was present. And today when she spoke with the judge, she was very adamant that she feels she is not successful at home and would rather be placed in a long term facility. I am doing my best. But I am still not ok. She spent 30 days in detention and was returned to my care today.
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And even if there is no reason why she should be able to succeed there any better than anywhere else, the fact that she is choosing it kind of builds in some motivation and offers an opportunity to get her to commit to some accountability for her progress while she is there.
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Reading “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolkata, MD
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Like you, I see myself splayed out in every chapter. Hugs to all of us for our resilience and our determination. |
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