PTSD and Trauma recovery

[dark_crystal]

Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

Recap: IQ was being retested at age 49 after i was tested as a minor during inpatient treatment. Those results were widely discussed, and caused my entire treatment plan to be upended, but they were ultimately withheld from me and my parents (supposedly.) My parents could have gotten them after discharge but never followed up (i wish i would have gone to get them myself, once 18, but i never could bring myself to call or visit the hospital, with which i associated very intense emotions for many years) (probably this was the case for my parents, too.)

Update: i'm not tacky enough to actually post my score, but the full-scale is like, on the doorstep of exceptional. Enough for Mensa, but when i looked it up on Quora this was the best comment: "to admit to an IQ of only ____ means you are probably not lying about how smart you are" so that is nice lol

I am neither surprised nor disappointed by the score, however, it was really, really, REALLY important for me to have it.

Having these scores withheld all those years ago ended up creating conditions within which i could be endlessly gaslit by my parents, my partners, my employers, my staff, and especially myself. I did not know the upper and lower range of appropriate expectations and this led to perfectionism and shame when i could not meet these expectations, which were basically unlimited.

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

My therapist and i talked about asynchronous development, and how this range makes it likely that growing up I was two years behind my physical age emotionally, while being several years ahead intellectually, and how this contributed to my boundary issues bc adults often overestimated the range of topics i was equipped to discuss/ideas i was equipped to process (to put it nicely.)

This is why i have often felt like i have been in sixth grade forever. i feel like that was the last year i could effortlessly fit in with my peers. After 6th grade i began to struggle, socially, and to experience bullying, anxiety, depression, and depersonalization.

ALSO, there are actually four scores. Three of my scores were closely grouped in the high range but my processing score was firmly average. This confirms the ADHD diagnosis and goes on file as the third assessment and second clinician to do so.

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

There is a weird feeling i had before where i felt guilty for considering that diagnosis for myself? Like i was too high-functioning/accomplished for that and to even consider it was disrespectful to people with real problems and anyway it would have been spotted long ago.

The one time i brought it up before was to a male psychiatrist. He literally scoffed at the idea, although i kind of suspected his dismissal was influenced by my gender and appearance.

Within that IQ range, however, mild autism becomes more believable as there is plenty of capacity for compensating for some stuff and masking other stuff while still appearing perfectly functional. It puts my achievements in a more accurate perspective.

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

Wow, it sounds like you are getting a ton of good information. Its so sad that it was kept from you all these years and actually used against you.

I wish people could deal with each other's weird spaces without gaslighting them into feeling bad about themselves. I can really relate to that.

I am so glad you are getting answers!!!

[JustLovelyJenn]

Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....

Amen Sister!!!!

News bulletin....we are human too!!!!

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

Why is it that everyone in my world seems to think I need to make allowances for their trauma and that mine should be my own problem to deal with....

I don't know, really, but this question makes me think of my mom, who is looking really bad right now as she appears to center herself throughout my father's devastating illness. I have been trying to convey to her how entitled she is to her needs and how to seek to meet them without comparing herself to her mother and sister, who found themselves in this same situation and behaved like saints.

She's gaslighting herself into a martyrdom she doesn't need to support

hugs to you

[dark_crystal]

i just went and woke up Mr. Jenny to share this piece of wisdom i just thought of for her:

"when you married me it's like you bought a Jaguar-- pretty car! Capable of very high performance! LOTS of breakdowns"

She didn't say much (possibly trying to sleep, who knows) so i said, "or am i a Delorean?" but she said "no, Jaguar is right"

Last week i told my therapist that getting my IQ score was like finding out i was a ferrari driving in traffic surrounded by buses without realizing i wasn't a bus

Either way i would rather be a nice, safe, low-maintenance Lexus

idk what is up with the car metaphors, probably my recently-unmasked autism* coming out



(that's sexist, actually, girls with autism often don't have the transportation thing, it's more likely to be Disney)

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

[snip]

Gifted girls are over-represented in anorexia stats BTW

[snip]

AND i finally brought Level 1 autism, which is a thing i have mostly-silently suspected.

[snip]

My therapist says she would not formally diagnose it unless to do so would be therapeutic, but i am deciding it would be therapeutic. All of these formal diagnoses are making it possible to put a ceiling over myself in terms of my perfectionism. I desperately need that ceiling.

These "labels" also equip me to set boundaries for other people. It has been easy to convince me that my needs are weird or unreasonable, and to shame me for my weirdness, but level 1 autism explains every single weird thing about me.

Where it has been hard for me to convince myself i deserve to have my needs met on general principle, i think it becomes much easier to do it when i have an external framework to validate them. Like, i'm weird because of science, nothing i can do, please adjust. I desperately need that ceiling, too.

It can be a crutch in a good way maybe.

Two follow-ups to this post

1. spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/the-invisible-link-between-autism-and-anorexia/

Some estimates hold that as much as 20 percent of people with enduring eating disorders have autism. Because girls with autism are frequently underdiagnosed, it’s often an eating disorder that first brings them to clinical attention — although men and boys with autism can and do develop eating disorders, most of the research and clinical attention has focused on girls and women. This gender bias has led some to refer to anorexia as ‘the female Asperger’s.’

Recognizing that someone has both autism and an eating disorder is only the first step. Few psychologists have expertise in helping people who have both conditions. Historically, eating disorder treatment mandates group therapy, but people with autism often have difficulties with social interactions. This treatment also requires that the individuals make dramatic changes in their eating routines, often in a short period of time. But some people with autism find it challenging to meet this demand because of their insistence on sameness. As a result, many people who have both autism and anorexia find it difficult to recover from their eating problems, and are less likely to recover than those who have anorexia alone. Louise and others like her are demonstrating that although the overlap between autism and anorexia is more common than anyone realized, there are still few effective treatments for this dual burden.

2. My therapist is really leaning in to the autism diagnosis and focusing almost all of our sessions on it. I am scheduled for formal assessment on September 22 i wish it could be sooner but most clinicians are geared toward kids and this is a university institute with a special program for late-life diagnosis. Also the doctor is female, and the history of autism is sexist as hell

[Apocalipstic]

Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.

My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Its crazy the things that trigger PTSD. Like dating for example. Work. TV, the President, a guy dying across the hall.

My doc added abilify to my drugs. Im not sure if its helping or not. I was klind of hallucinating and now I'm not. So thats good. Actually Im not sure of it was psychotic or psychic. Not that it matters I guess.

I take Abilify, and my main anti-depressant is Zoloft. The Abilify does seem to help make the Zoloft more effective for me. I haven't noticed any bad side effects, and I've been taking it for over a year. Good luck.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaMa'am

I take Abilify, and my main anti-depressant is Zoloft. The Abilify does seem to help make the Zoloft more effective for me. I haven't noticed any bad side effects, and I've been taking it for over a year. Good luck.

THank you Ga! I take Cynbalta plus the Abilify. I have definitely gained weight and the Cymbalta makes my blood pressure go up. But it keeps me from being too crazy.

I have pneumonia a couple of months ago for 8 weeks, and the steroids they gave mme put me over the edge. I am still not right. Onve my PTSD is activated, its difficult to get back to whatever "normal" is.

I wish I could be off all meds, I think I would be healthier. But somehting always happened ot trigget my PTSD, then back on the meds I go.

Thank you for the sweet post, from your neighboring state, Tennessee!

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

THank you Ga! I take Cynbalta plus the Abilify. I have definitely gained weight and the Cymbalta makes my blood pressure go up. But it keeps me from being too crazy.

I have pneumonia a couple of months ago for 8 weeks, and the steroids they gave mme put me over the edge. I am still not right. Onve my PTSD is activated, its difficult to get back to whatever "normal" is.

I wish I could be off all meds, I think I would be healthier. But somehting always happened ot trigget my PTSD, then back on the meds I go.

Thank you for the sweet post, from your neighboring state, Tennessee!

Hello from Georgia!

Sorry to hear about the pneumonia. I caught it back in October 2019, and I'm still not completely over the coughing.

I know what you mean about the steroids. I take them every time I have a gout flare-up, and I've had three lately. The people around me better beware!

[JustLovelyJenn]

I had a huge panic attack a few days ago... I was talking with someone new through messenger (my new partners other partner) and they were being almost... too kind... lots of compliments, insinuations... and to me... it was just a huge red flag... no one is that nice on day one without ulterior motives...

I spent nearly 3 hours in total panic trying to figure out how to ask them to back off. In the end, I asked my partner to do it... and while they have, to some extent... not enough for me.

I really dislike that with everything I have experience, a COMPLIMENT, can make me panic...