40 Questions

[Gráinne]

Twelve years on, and I had to come back to this:

. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
Defining myself without relationships or occupations. I may be someone's mother/wife/girlfriend at any one time, but that isn't who I am. The same with my job: Teaching was what I did, it is not who I am.

2. What's been on your mind most lately?
What comes next as I move into my 60's and feel unencumbered by child-raising and facing retirement gladly.

3. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame?
Health, happiness, love, money, fame

4. Right now, at this moment, what do you want most?
Realistically, a shower and a good night's rest. If anything, my "special" friend Sasha to ring my doorbell right now.

5. What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?
Reflective, with my daughter's wedding and the anniversary of my son's death (which were by coincidence on the same day).

6. What is the #1 motivator in your life right now?
What action/thought/self-talk is healthiest and shows the most care and love for myself.

7. In one sentence, who are you?
A strong, passionate, fun-loving, love-loving beautiful woman .

8. What do you want to be known for?
By accomplishment, my writings and research into my family. By who I am, that I was encouraging and loving to all I met.

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what one thing would you miss most?
Assuming it was just me, my family.

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
Retirement, with the time for hobbies, volunteering, service, and travel.

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?
A full day of meaningful work and hopefully service to others.

12. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?
Honesty, kindness, trustworthiness

13.What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
Pursuing certification as a professional genealogist. I work on my own research here and t here, but compiling my portfolio and submitting it seems like a recipe for disaster.

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?
To earn my private pilot's license (maybe as a kid it was simply "to fly")

15. What stands between you and what you want?
Lots of money and passing my health exam. Both could be overcome.

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?
Playing my music playlists, then realizing (again) that only I am responsible for my happiness. This feels very liberating, and I usually get back on track. That's actually another big step I learned this year.

17. When did you first realize that life is short?
My cousin died when he was about 24 and I was 10 or so. I had just seen him the week before, happy (so I thought) and healthy.

18. What do you need to spend more time doing?
Anything related to self-care, following my goals, following my peace and happiness. Healthy selfishness.

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?
My relationship with food, but yet another way I've changed is that I am totally examining myself and what I should confront next. And I've noticed that this issue is easier approached almost in fun, not punishment and deriding myself.

20. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with?
Complaining about things they have no power over. General negativity.

21.What’s a common misconception people have about you?
I'm a unemotional, reserved person hard to get to know. I may be shy but when comfortable, my silliness and yes, passion, come out.

22.What’s something no one can take away from you?
Self-respect

23. What is something that you would hate to go without for a day?
Music, either playlists or my piano.

24. When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?
Faraway childhood friends, probably the greatest gift of Facebook.

25. What memory from this past year makes you smile the most?
My daughter's wedding last week! Though this was tempered by her obvious weight loss and fatigue due to her declining health.

26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
It needs to be treating my body, emotions, and surroundings with more care.

27. If not now, then when?
Why not right now?

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?
My 291 day streak of Duolingo Russian lessons. It's not meant to lead to fluency, and it's a tough language (that's why I chose it), but look at that! I've learned a lot and get closer to a year every day.

29. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself?
It's a gradual realization that I can be assertive and the world won't collapse, people won't get mad, and I actually have a decent chance of getting what I want.

30. What do you want to remember forever?
Visiting Warwick Castle. I could see why the "Kingmaker" and his ancestors loved that land so much.

31. What could society do without?
More staged "reality" shows. If it's staged, how is that real? (I realize I'm a hypocrite, as some of these have been my guilty pleasure)

32. What is one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?
The existence of a Higher Power, Light, Being, Deity that some call "God" but I am sure exists in each of us.

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
Believe in yourself. Trust yourself. Go for your dreams. Don't settle for less in love than you want.

34. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done?
Completed my Pro-Gen genealogy class. It took a year and a half of tough assignments. I had thought (1) I wouldn't be accepted into the program in the first place, and then (2) that I was essentially a fraud in the Super Bowl of genealogy. What joy when I received my certificate.

35. What’s something you changed your mind about when you grew older?
I had thought I'd never move from my family and my hometown, out of fear or inertia. I have now about five moves down, and each brought fear as well as great memories.

36. What didn’t last forever, but was still worth your while?
My first love relationship with a woman.

37. If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself one thing, what would you tell?
Don't worry about what "they" think of you, or say about you. You do you. That goes for my older self, too.

38. If you knew you were dying in 60 seconds, what would your last words be?
See you later, be good, I love you, you're on my foot!

39. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
I hope to be a do-er much more than a talker. Writing is an exception.

40. What questions do you often ask yourself?
What's next?
What if I _____? (insert desired action here)
Why not me? (in response when I fall for "Why me?")

[Soft*Silver]

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
I have more stamina, both physically and mentally, and so there are things that I didn’t get accomplished now that even a year ago, I couldn’t have done them
2. What's been on your mind most lately?
The election. I’m scared to death that Trump is going to win.
3. In order of importance, how would you rank: happiness, money, love, health, fame?
Health, happiness, love, money, fame
4. Right now, at this moment, what do you want most?
Someone else to Put the fresh sheets and pillowcases on the bed. Lol.
5. What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last month of your life?
Off-focused (because of my eye situation)
6. What is the #1 motivator in your life right now?
I’m 67 years old and I feel like I’m running out of time. So I’m trying to get everything in that I’ve ever wanted to do.
7. In one sentence, who are you?
I am a very simple complex woman

8. What do you want to be known for?
That I was And loving Grandmother
9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what one thing would you miss most?
other than my family, it would have to be my garden
10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?
I’ll be much healthier. Every year for the past decade, my health has improved.
11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?
When I am able to accomplish things. I get a lot of balls up in the air juggling several projects at a time. When I can accomplish them one by one by one I feel good that I can do so much and do it well.
12. What are the top three qualities you look for in a friend?
I have been best friends with my best friend since the first day of first grade so that was 61 years ago. She had the cutest pigtails, she laughed a lot, and she shared her pretty pencils with me.
13.What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?
Writing. I have started and stopped writing several times in my life.
14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?
A pony! I’ve had them on and off in my life and now I’m at a time in my life where I’m just not able to take care of one.
15. What stands between you and what you want?
More money
16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?
Sleep. If I really am in a spiral of misery and I’m just not going to be happy no matter what I’m gonna do, I will sleep and when I wake up, I can guarantee you I’ll be better
17. When did you first realize that life is short?
There were so many times in my life. I thought I realize that life was short. But when you get in your late 60s and onward, you realize you have far less time than you’ve ever had in your life. You might not have decades anymore to look forward to. Hell, you might not even have A decade…
18. What do you need to spend more time doing?
My crafts. Especially my Watercolors
19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?
I Don’t think I have any. I mean, there was huge bands of time where I refused to confront my mental health and my Addiction, but I’ve got those doing pretty well now
20. What’s something a lot of people do that you disagree with?
Please don’t hate me… But I cannot stand breast-feeding in public
21.What’s a common misconception people have about you?
I’m always surprised when people tell me when they first met me, that they thought I was aloof.
22.What’s something no one can take away from you?
My love for them.
23. What is something that you would hate to go without for a day?
Oh geez, that’s easy. My cell phone.
24. When you look into the past, what do you miss the most?
My horses. There are times I sit and cry quietly, when I look at photos of my horses that I’ve had in the past. I don’t think anybody’s ever understood the connection I have with horses.
25. What memory from this past year makes you smile the most?
Last year I had chickens and my littlest granddaughter got to watch one hatch, and while it was still wet, I put it in her hands
26. What’s the number one change you need to make in your life in the next twelve months?
You take care so much mental and physical health, and I’ve lost weight, but I still have weight to lose and dammit I need to do that.
27. If not now, then when? Maybe never. Sometimes we just have to be kind to ourselves and let our expectations and desires be let go.

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?
I have five college degrees
29. What’s something new you recently learned about yourself?
Then I can air fry
30. What do you want to remember forever?
Oh my God, all of it
31. What could society do without?
The crazy MAGAS And their leader
32. What is one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?
That my husband loves me
33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
You don’t have to say anything. Just listen.
34. What’s something you said you’d never do, but have since done?
I would be with a man. I am absolutely a lesbian. But I married a man.
35. What’s something you changed your mind about when you grew older?
Thoughts of my mother
36. What didn’t last forever, but was still worth your while?
Every single relationship I was in. No matter how badly they ended, or what caused the end of the relationship, how it started, and when it was good, was always worth my while.
37. If you could go back in time and tell a younger version of yourself one thing, what would you tell?
Someday, when you grow up, someone’s gonna love you so well, that all of this that you’re going through right now, is not going to matter
38. If you knew you were dying in 60 seconds, what would your last words be?
“ i’m going to miss all of you”
39. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Absolutely. I have held the hands of the dying. I have wiped blood from the lips of children. I fed Starving addicts. I’ve sat in The dark corners of the nightmares With people complex PTSD. I have housed the homeless. I have made people not once ever had anything going for them or anyone supporting them, feel seen and appreciated. I could go on, but the gist of it is that I have always been service oriented, and that my life work has always been to take care of those who have no one
40. What questions do you often ask yourself?
Really? You’re doing this again?