Open Letter: Dear Femme

[Arwen]

So I'm late to this party. Bite me. I will be multi-quoting in purple and using emoticons. Double bite me.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Is the expected demur and polite veneer used as a way to silence us?

Sometimes I think it is a way to silence ourselves. I think I try to force myself into the "expected roles". And you know what? It hurts. It doesn't feel good to do something or say something simply because that's what "our community" does or expects of me.

But when I don't toe the "party" line, I am in danger of being ostracized. And that hurts too. Sometimes more than doing what is expected.

So do I to the expected party line or do I become a and make my own way?

It's an ongoing struggle.

Originally Posted by evolveme

Yes, I am sometimes guilty of judging other femmes harshly.

For example, if a femme posts in a certain font (pink) and is always serving up virtual cupcakes and tea, I am less likely (read: not at all) to listen to what she has to say. I WILL skip over her. And not because the font is hard to read (it is) but because it is "too girly" and that reads as "too ridiculous."

So guilty of this but more forgiving when it is from someone I have become friends with OR that I have seen post "meatier" posts as well. Those that post only fluff are often looked down on by those that don't.

Why is that? Do those that post only fluff take away from who I am in any way? Do their words and colors and emoticons diminish me personally? The concept of "femme" as a whole?

No. Not even one iota. What FemmeA says in purple, italic, Georgia font about being a babygirl has NOTHING to do with me. It, like the color of her font, doesn't rub off.

So I need to check my own "party" line at the door. I am as guilty of doing to that femme as what has been done to me in an effort to silence or censure me.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Ha! Perhaps at times I do. Other times I get incredibly frustrated when my non-demur/polite mouth results in anger from others. I make it a point to take care of me and speak my needs (not rudely or aggressively) and at times have felt frowned upon for this.

We've talked about this, I think. I am seen as rude and aggressive quite often because of my very dogmatic way of expressing myself. Because I prefer to be honest and upfront, that is often seen as "mean."

I think being called "mean" is a way of trying to force me into someone else's box. So I am learning to stand on my own two feet (at 48...you think I would have learned this by now) and not worry about it. But it still hurts.

I've learned a lot specifically from you, A. Because of you. Through you. From you. You have been an amazing teacher even when you didn't know it.

Originally Posted by June

In June's dream world, which is very different from the Barbie variety, what they will find is a full spectrum of Femme-ness (c) that includes all of us regardless of our skill level or presentation. I want to say to them "Hey, Baby Femme! Wear that damn baseball hat backwards if you want! Don't be afraid to change that tire and brag about it! Fix that friggin' sink! Win at Pool because you've got the Mad Skillz!"

Sometimes, the stereotyping threads, to me, are fun simply because they point out how different we all are. Why not start a thread here that addresses this very thing, June? That femme is self-defined. Period.

It is not "who I'm boinking" defined.
It is not "what color is my lipstick" defined.
It is not "how long is my dildo" defined.
It is not "how polite am I in public" defined.
It is not "how short my skirts are" defined.
and so on.

Originally Posted by hippieflowergirl

i choose the girly things FOR me, no one else. whenever i've decided to be without Lovers i didnt stop with the girly stuff. it's MY stuff. it's ME. it's not an act for someone else.

my lesbian friends used to ream me for being myself all the time. we're not friends anymore. if my femme friends begin to do the same i'll happily do without them as well. i love my friends but without them, i'm just fine.

Amen. Just A-freaking-men (or woman?). This was very well said. I particularly liked "It's not an act for someone else."

Originally Posted by Lynn

I reread an old post of mine on another site, replete with these apologies, just today and I wanted to vomit. In life, as well as on line, I still haven't found how to be as strong an advocate for myself as I am for everyone else.

That, Lynn, is what I call a journey. You are on one. I'm on one. Mine started in 2006(I think... maybe 2003) of acknowledging and exploring the term femme. Hang in there. And don't stop apologizing until you feel like it. Even that is yours and no one gets to define you.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

My favorite Queer As Folk quote? Brian Kinney - No regrets, no apologies, no excuses. Fabulous outlook!

See! Another reason I love you. You give great quote!

Originally Posted by bonne-maman

Anyhow, a tad about me, just to add to the diverse-titty of us. I came out as a lesbian-feminist in 1979 in one of the many super-insulated, almost separatist, lesbian-feminist communities around the country at the time.
Snip really good stuff
I think my biggest struggle with inclusion/feeling sidelined on these sites has been the anti-lesbian sentiment which is sometimes subtle and sometimes oh-so-very Overt.

And, being on these sites has been an opportunity to enrich myself and my femmeness in so many ways. To be friends with girls/women/femmes who wear makeup and high heels has been profoundly moving and affirming. You all have always scared the shit outta me!!!!

I am one who has been overtly anti-lesbian because of past hurts. I do not id as a lesbian for a lot of reasons I have gone diarrhea-mouth over on the Dash site. I take ownership here and now of allowing those specific women (because Gods know it has not been all lesbians) who hurt me to color my view of the word lesbian.

And your last line? Me too! Seriously.

P.S. Did you come out in upstate NY? Because those were some hardcore dyke-feminists.

And isn't it odd. I'm fine with calling myself a dyke, but not a lesbian. Must explore that.