Gender Evolution - Your Coming of Age Stories

[Scorp]

Ok, here it is:

I knew I was different from a very young age. I remember pouting every time I was put in a dress with frilly lace and tights. My mother would tell me she would have to change me at least 3 times a day, because at the end of the day, my dresses and tights would practically be shredded. I was always rough on my feet and my shoes would wear out. I loved playing with my brother's train set, matchbox cars, racetracks, climbed fences and trees, etc. Nothing lady like about me. Would forever be told to cross my legs when you sit, don't keep them spread apart, bla bla bla.

In grammar school, I was a tomboy and had a lot of friends. I had female best friends and loved them like sisters. To this day, I have my sister friends who i'm close with. I would try to like boys because growing up, I thought it was the right thing to do. From the age of 4 I would continuously fantasize about kissing girls and would get all tingly while dreaming about these feminine girls/women. I had these dreams and fantasies for many, many years and to be honest, it scared me. I was a girl and shouldn't I be liking boys? Why do I have crushes on girls??

OK, so here's the cringing part. I even tried dating guys as I got older, but the relationship(s) would never last. Guys would hit on me all the time. I had long hair, and wore some make up and was foxy! LOL Some guys even wanted to me marry me <gulp> These guys were really great people and I couldn't go on and be something I wasn't, so I would end the relationship(s) and break hearts. It killed me to do that to these great guys at the time, but, bottom line, I never felt the same way about them and was never sexually attracted to them, ever, so it was best to end things, rather than go through the motions. I was so very conflicted. My exterior was girly, but internally I always felt masculine and saw myself as masculine. I looked one way, but felt another. What the hell is going on with me!?

I was raised in a strict, italian catholic household. I couldn't fathom the thought of <what I thought was shame> to my family by being gay. I decided that I would just go through life with my own deepest, darkest secret and go to the grave with it and came to terms that I'm going to be alone until the day I die. I actually was ok with that at the time.

How could I shame my parents, they'll disown me. That scared me. I was too busy thinking about everyone else rather than myself. I tried telling my mother and was basically told I would have to be the one to answer to God for this. My dad was very cool with it, we hugged, cried and he told me all he wanted before his eyes are to close is for me to be happy.

Then one day, it happened. I had what I thought was my first female love. I did the long distance thing for 4 years with a straight women who thought she was gay. She said no one had ever made her feel the way I did and I really thought I was in love. Being with another female felt right, it was normal to me. I never had to second guess anything and it was amazing and exactly what I had envisioned all these years. It started to become complicated for her and a lot of broken promises started being made to me. One day I finally said that I couldn't do this with her. Things started to happen and I found myself straying because in my heart, I knew it wasn't meant to be. We both ended it. It was very difficult for me and I went through a bit of a depression as it was my first love. But I was getting tired of broken promises. I mean, c'mon 4 fucking years already. Shit or get off the pot. So, I got off the pot as hard as it was.

A few weeks went by I finally snapped out of it and did a google search and found the other b-f website. It was great. I learned a lot about myself and felt like I fit in. It was normal to have conflictions within yourself and there were others out there just like me. OMFG sound the trumpets <rubbing eyes> Is this real??? What the hell, there are folks out there like me! How fuckin' happy am I!

However, I was ridiculed for having long hair at the time and some folks made fun of me questioning the butch thing. Everyone was after me to put a picture up in the gallery but I didn't want to do that right away, just because, no special reason. I wanted folks to get to know me by chatting and believe it or not, I was shy. YES, me shy, imagine that? Then, I finally put the picture up after a couple of months. All they saw was the long hair and that was it, that's when the ridiculing started. It also didn't matter to other folks either, because it's all about an energy. But still, it wasn't cool to be condemned like that. I never labeled myself. I sure the fuck wasn't fem, but more tomboy like. They had given me the butch label.

I would look at the gallery pictures and see different variations of butches. Does it matter? Why single me out? Again, I started to feel like where do I belong if I don't measure up to the butch "expectation" etc. as they were saying. Some of those folks made it matter and I was a bit uncomfortable. The reason why I got the "butch label" was because of my energy.

On a happier note, after being on that site for 3 years (at the time) I met a lot of awesome people and then I met my wonderful, beautiful fem. I had no intention of meeting anyone <especially in a chat room of all places> plus I wasn't looking for love, hell no, especially after the other relationship. I wanted to have fun! So, there I was in chat, started off as the usual flirting, then the phone calls, then the visits, and after a year, she relocated to be near me. We both had our own apartments and never moved in with each other until a year later.

We've been together for 7-1/2 years now and i've been blessed a million folds over As time goes on, you realize it's about you and not everyone else. So fuck em and what they think. I am who I am. The best way I identify is as a pretty boi as I've been told and how others see me. And, my fem sure the hell didn't mind the long hair at the time

P.S. I decided to cut my hair because I wanted a different look. NOT because of pressure, but because I always wanted spikey, crazy hair to match my personality and dammit I've been wearing it well ever since!

So moral of my story is never say never, because life is so damn strange, you just never know what or who is waiting around the corner for you.

Sorry for the long reply, but...this is my story

The End.

-Scorp-

[Passionaria]

Me at age 4, after a performance. I have always been femme.
Pashi

[Bit]

{{{{{{{{{{Scorp}}}}}}}}}}} You were one of my teachers, darlin, whether you knew it or not. You helped me to define what "Butch" means to me, and helped me to see the energy, regardless of the wrappings. I've always appreciated that! And seriously... who cares what your hair looks like? That's a personal decision for you to make, no one else. Sheesh.

Edited to add: I'm sorry people tried to force you to wear a label that didn't fit. Again, sheesh.

[Medusa]

Scorp! Thanks for your bravery in posting your story here! It is incredibly powerful to hear how folks found themselves.

That truth of the matter is that MANY if not MOST of us have dated, partnered with, fucked, married, or had children with men. They arent the enemy, just part of our evolution to ourselves.
I think it can be incredibly uncomfortable for Butches to talk about their involvement with men sometimes because of the stigma of the ridiculous "Gold Standard". To me, I have immense respect for people who are honest about their history because dating Men does not in any way negate the Butch that you WERE or ARE.

Hell, when I first came out, I was a Birkenstock-wearing baby butch replete with do-rag and Levi's. I was FINE as hell, but not feeling super comfortable in my skin. I also dated and partnered with other Femmes for a brief year. They were FINE as hell too but sharing the mirror? Not so much.

Keep up with the stories, y'all, Im loving it!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I will come and tell mine later on, I am trying to find some old pics of me so I can at least share just one with ya'll!

[Scorp]

Bumpin' this thread, especially with how the "Planet" is growing with peeps!

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Scorp

Ok, here it is:

I knew I was different from a very young age. I remember pouting every time I was put in a dress with frilly lace and tights. My mother would tell me she would have to change me at least 3 times a day, because at the end of the day, my dresses and tights would practically be shredded. I was always rough on my feet and my shoes would wear out. I loved playing with my brother's train set, matchbox cars, racetracks, climbed fences and trees, etc. Nothing lady like about me. Would forever be told to cross my legs when you sit, don't keep them spread apart, bla bla bla.

In grammar school, I was a tomboy and had a lot of friends. I had female best friends and loved them like sisters. To this day, I have my sister friends who i'm close with. I would try to like boys because growing up, I thought it was the right thing to do. From the age of 4 I would continuously fantasize about kissing girls and would get all tingly while dreaming about these feminine girls/women. I had these dreams and fantasies for many, many years and to be honest, it scared me. I was a girl and shouldn't I be liking boys? Why do I have crushes on girls??

OK, so here's the cringing part. I even tried dating guys as I got older, but the relationship(s) would never last. Guys would hit on me all the time. I had long hair, and wore some make up and was foxy! LOL Some guys even wanted to me marry me <gulp> These guys were really great people and I couldn't go on and be something I wasn't, so I would end the relationship(s) and break hearts. It killed me to do that to these great guys at the time, but, bottom line, I never felt the same way about them and was never sexually attracted to them, ever, so it was best to end things, rather than go through the motions. I was so very conflicted. My exterior was girly, but internally I always felt masculine and saw myself as masculine. I looked one way, but felt another. What the hell is going on with me!?

I was raised in a strict, italian catholic household. I couldn't fathom the thought of <what I thought was shame> to my family by being gay. I decided that I would just go through life with my own deepest, darkest secret and go to the grave with it and came to terms that I'm going to be alone until the day I die. I actually was ok with that at the time.

How could I shame my parents, they'll disown me. That scared me. I was too busy thinking about everyone else rather than myself. I tried telling my mother and was basically told I would have to be the one to answer to God for this. My dad was very cool with it, we hugged, cried and he told me all he wanted before his eyes are to close is for me to be happy.

Then one day, it happened. I had what I thought was my first female love. I did the long distance thing for 4 years with a straight women who thought she was gay. She said no one had ever made her feel the way I did and I really thought I was in love. Being with another female felt right, it was normal to me. I never had to second guess anything and it was amazing and exactly what I had envisioned all these years. It started to become complicated for her and a lot of broken promises started being made to me. One day I finally said that I couldn't do this with her. Things started to happen and I found myself straying because in my heart, I knew it wasn't meant to be. We both ended it. It was very difficult for me and I went through a bit of a depression as it was my first love. But I was getting tired of broken promises. I mean, c'mon 4 fucking years already. Shit or get off the pot. So, I got off the pot as hard as it was.

A few weeks went by I finally snapped out of it and did a google search and found the other b-f website. It was great. I learned a lot about myself and felt like I fit in. It was normal to have conflictions within yourself and there were others out there just like me. OMFG sound the trumpets <rubbing eyes> Is this real??? What the hell, there are folks out there like me! How fuckin' happy am I!

However, I was ridiculed for having long hair at the time and some folks made fun of me questioning the butch thing. Everyone was after me to put a picture up in the gallery but I didn't want to do that right away, just because, no special reason. I wanted folks to get to know me by chatting and believe it or not, I was shy. YES, me shy, imagine that? Then, I finally put the picture up after a couple of months. All they saw was the long hair and that was it, that's when the ridiculing started. It also didn't matter to other folks either, because it's all about an energy. But still, it wasn't cool to be condemned like that. I never labeled myself. I sure the fuck wasn't fem, but more tomboy like. They had given me the butch label.

I would look at the gallery pictures and see different variations of butches. Does it matter? Why single me out? Again, I started to feel like where do I belong if I don't measure up to the butch "expectation" etc. as they were saying. Some of those folks made it matter and I was a bit uncomfortable. The reason why I got the "butch label" was because of my energy.

On a happier note, after being on that site for 3 years (at the time) I met a lot of awesome people and then I met my wonderful, beautiful fem. I had no intention of meeting anyone <especially in a chat room of all places> plus I wasn't looking for love, hell no, especially after the other relationship. I wanted to have fun! So, there I was in chat, started off as the usual flirting, then the phone calls, then the visits, and after a year, she relocated to be near me. We both had our own apartments and never moved in with each other until a year later.

We've been together for 7-1/2 years now and i've been blessed a million folds over As time goes on, you realize it's about you and not everyone else. So fuck em and what they think. I am who I am. The best way I identify is as a pretty boi as I've been told and how others see me. And, my fem sure the hell didn't mind the long hair at the time

P.S. I decided to cut my hair because I wanted a different look. NOT because of pressure, but because I always wanted spikey, crazy hair to match my personality and dammit I've been wearing it well ever since!

So moral of my story is never say never, because life is so damn strange, you just never know what or who is waiting around the corner for you.

Sorry for the long reply, but...this is my story

The End.

-Scorp-

Thanks for sharing, bud. That totally bites that people tried to box you in and give you shit about your hair. You know who you are and that should be respected by everyone. No one has a right to define you but you.

I left out of my story that I too dated guys for a brief time, just to pretend that I was "normal". It did nothing for me, and on one of these dates I was date-raped. That kinda ended it for me with guys. I feel a little embarrassed about it, but it's a testament to how much I lost touch with the self I discovered at age 5-6. Thank the creator that we all have found our way, or at least are well on that path and have each other for support.

[Stoney]

So here's the place to tell a story....

I guess my earliest memory was when I was around 3-4 years old

when I really wanted to be Peter Pan (I think I was in love with

Wendy) .I remember getting caught with my skirt tucked in my

leotards standing on the back of grandpa's chair.

Through out elementary school I was kinda fat and that was my

main issue, I got made fun of and boys picked on me endlessly.

Back then I just wanted wished I was a boy so it didnt matter if I

wasn't as pretty, or what I wore, or whether I was fat or not. I didn't like dresses because I played rough and always sported skinned knees and I was always afraid my dress would come up, or be pulled up (and it was ).I used to roll up blue jeans under them.

About the time I was 10 or so I was taller and bigger than most of the boys and girls in my class , an incident happened on the
playground where a bunch of boys in my sisters class knocked her down and stole her skirt and went running.
That day for the first time, in defense of my sister , I kicked some ass, I whooped on about 5 of them sending three home early that day as well as my self because of a 2 day suspencion.

I think I became a bully after that, using my size to intimidate
boys my age and also to hide my feelings of feeling like I did not
fit in with the girls. They called me a tomboy. I got into sports. I
was the only girl on my little league team, I played basketball,
threw shot put, etc....

I developed early, got boobs around 11 started my period in third
grade. In 5th grade I met another tomboy new to our school and we became best friends.
I guess we had a thing for each other but I honestly had no Idea
what it was. I had never once heard of homosexuality, not even
once. I remember my grandma saying Liberache was a queer ,but I had no Idea what that meant and just agreed that he was indeed a strange fellow.
By the time junior high came , Liz and I were the Lezzies... the
queers.. STILL did not have a clue. By 13 my fighting put me in
the court system. I was sent to detentions which I broke out of and foster cares where I was abused and ran away from , I was sent to shrinks and ministers. and eventually to girls training school and then on to prison at 17 for 14 months.

i was in the system for ten long years from age 12 on.
When I was fourteen living on the streets, after running away I ended up sold to a pimp ..and well....some terrible terrible things happened but yeah it did not make me feel any better about men thats for sure. My female anatomy was terribly scarred by rape and sexual torture , I lost a baby at 6 months along because of it , and nearly my life.The doc's told me Id probably never have a baby....this news was devastating because more than anything I always wanted to be a mother.


I left my secrets feelings for other women just that. And after I got out I tried my best to feminize myself. hair make up, heels dresses the whole nine yards.

I was promiscuous , and I couldnt tell people no, especially men, I felt guilty for not liking men like I should, I felt like I couldnt be truly turned on by them but figured it was because of the abuse and not thought of the the possibility I was a lesbian... It never seemed like an option in my world. I would cringe while men went down on me,and felt numb physically and emotionally during sex....I just shut down..
Some where in there I had the internal notion that I was being
punished for my relationships with and feelings for womyn when I was inside. I was completely convinced I was fucked in the head.

In 1984 I married a wonderful kind gentle man we had three

children in the 3 years and 8 months we were married.I later had

my 4th child by another man.

As a young single woman with 4 kids, I began to remember

incidents of abuse and incest from my childhood I had tucked away, and forgotten. I got therapy, and realized I seriously had not been responsible for the things that happened to me and I forgave myself and my abusers.

Once that was out of the way I could see who I really was
underneath all my masks.

I came out at age 30, like I was shot out of a cannon. and have been a loud proud in your face feminist dyke ever since....


Of course there was much that happened in between but that may be best said in a different post.....


I'm not sure why I felt the need to share all this.... but what the

hell......maybe too much coffee??

Peace Stoney

[Scorp]

Hi Folks,

I just wanted to say thanks. It means a lot that everyone has been supportive and kind in their replies, responses, etc. and most of all, for being brave enough to post your own personal stories about your experience(s). Sometimes it isn't easy to do so freely.

Dusa, thanks for getting the ball rolling with starting this thread. As you and JustG have mentioned, for those of us who are writing about our experiences, this may open the door for others to feel they are not alone and comfortable enough to do the same.

So here we made a pathway for folks like us.






-Scorp-

[Jess]

((( Scorp)))

Lovin the linguine one whether or or !!! Thanks for sharing your story. I think it helps illustrate some of the frustration a lot of butches felt/ feel regarding the butch "oneupsmanship" that often happens. I have always hated seeing folks use the terms "wannabe butch" or not a "real butch" But.. that's a different thread and it helps me gather some thoughts about those very things.

I will try to share my story too once I find my LOL. It may take me a while to jar the old noggin, but I like the idea of us all sharing our own experiences. It gives me a much larger view of our tiny part of this planet!

Thanks to everyone who has shared.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Stoney

So here's the place to tell a story....

I guess my earliest memory was when I was around 3-4 years old

when I really wanted to be Peter Pan (I think I was in love with

Wendy) .I remember getting caught with my skirt tucked in my

leotards standing on the back of grandpa's chair.

Through out elementary school I was kinda fat and that was my

main issue, I got made fun of and boys picked on me endlessly.

Back then I just wanted wished I was a boy so it didnt matter if I

wasn't as pretty, or what I wore, or whether I was fat or not. I didn't like dresses because I played rough and always sported skinned knees and I was always afraid my dress would come up, or be pulled up (and it was ).I used to roll up blue jeans under them.

About the time I was 10 or so I was taller and bigger than most of the boys and girls in my class , an incident happened on the
playground where a bunch of boys in my sisters class knocked her down and stole her skirt and went running.
That day for the first time, in defense of my sister , I kicked some ass, I whooped on about 5 of them sending three home early that day as well as my self because of a 2 day suspencion.

I think I became a bully after that, using my size to intimidate
boys my age and also to hide my feelings of feeling like I did not
fit in with the girls. They called me a tomboy. I got into sports. I
was the only girl on my little league team, I played basketball,
threw shot put, etc....

I developed early, got boobs around 11 started my period in third
grade. In 5th grade I met another tomboy new to our school and we became best friends.
I guess we had a thing for each other but I honestly had no Idea
what it was. I had never once heard of homosexuality, not even
once. I remember my grandma saying Liberache was a queer ,but I had no Idea what that meant and just agreed that he was indeed a strange fellow.
By the time junior high came , Liz and I were the Lezzies... the
queers.. STILL did not have a clue. By 13 my fighting put me in
the court system. I was sent to detentions which I broke out of and foster cares where I was abused and ran away from , I was sent to shrinks and ministers. and eventually to girls training school and then on to prison at 17 for 14 months.

i was in the system for ten long years from age 12 on.
When I was fourteen living on the streets, after running away I ended up sold to a pimp ..and well....some terrible terrible things happened but yeah it did not make me feel any better about men thats for sure. My female anatomy was terribly scarred by rape and sexual torture , I lost a baby at 6 months along because of it , and nearly my life.The doc's told me Id probably never have a baby....this news was devastating because more than anything I always wanted to be a mother.


I left my secrets feelings for other women just that. And after I got out I tried my best to feminize myself. hair make up, heels dresses the whole nine yards.

I was promiscuous , and I couldnt tell people no, especially men, I felt guilty for not liking men like I should, I felt like I couldnt be truly turned on by them but figured it was because of the abuse and not thought of the the possibility I was a lesbian... It never seemed like an option in my world. I would cringe while men went down on me,and felt numb physically and emotionally during sex....I just shut down..
Some where in there I had the internal notion that I was being
punished for my relationships with and feelings for womyn when I was inside. I was completely convinced I was fucked in the head.

In 1984 I married a wonderful kind gentle man we had three

children in the 3 years and 8 months we were married.I later had

my 4th child by another man.

As a young single woman with 4 kids, I began to remember

incidents of abuse and incest from my childhood I had tucked away, and forgotten. I got therapy, and realized I seriously had not been responsible for the things that happened to me and I forgave myself and my abusers.

Once that was out of the way I could see who I really was
underneath all my masks.

I came out at age 30, like I was shot out of a cannon. and have been a loud proud in your face feminist dyke ever since....


Of course there was much that happened in between but that may be best said in a different post.....


I'm not sure why I felt the need to share all this.... but what the

hell......maybe too much coffee??

Peace Stoney

Wow, this is very powerful and it took a lot of guts to share your struggles with us. I am so sorry to hear that you were so terribly abused. No one deserves that, buddy. But you are strong in yourself and that is awesome!

[Stoney]

Thank you, but really, we have all had our own share of bullshit in our lives, for whatever reason; Every one's lessons are their own , you know?..I was abused because that has made me who I am, because of it I have been able to protect my children from that life, and teach them to protect theirs. As well as help other young people in similar situations to mine, I rarely, if ever, look back on my past negatively. It is weird, but I am grateful for everything, every single experience , that has happened in my life. I wouldn't change one thing.

thanks again, Stoney

[Just_G]

I am with you Stoney! I really wouldn't change anything either. Everything I have been through on this journey has made me a stronger, kinder, more forgiving person. I was angry, confused, and bitter at god for putting me in this body, but now, after a couple years of therapy and some self discovery, let alone all the love from this community, I am happy with who I am.