Friends of Bill W.

LeftWriteFemme · 07-07-2010, 04:24 AM

July 7

Keeping My Seat

I can sit through this. I can do it even when I don’t remember that I want to. I will get through this no matter how it tweaks me and I squirm in my seat. In spite of the unfairness of it all, I can do what is right, because that is what is best for me. Acting out or giving up are options that I have, but I like me too much to choose so poorly. When this is all settled I will still have me no matter what else I gain or lose. If I don’t like me anymore I have lost everything, if I can hold my head up, proud of my behavior this is the most valuable gain. Love is only love if I am still here to feel it, so I will sit still.

Set group goals for your tiny terrors

*

TIME TABLES

I know the train is coming
And I want to read the schedule
I hear rumors that the convoy going to
Feeling will arrive in two years.

The five-year expedition to getting my brains back
Seems unlikely but is often commented on in meetings.
Excursions to far-off destinations such as
Functional and Reasonable have me on my feet
In gleeful anticipation.

Still I wish for a clear mapping of time.
I feel I could leave off the worrying
About the How of it if only I could
Be sure of the When.

This cavalcade of adventure
Would be so much more palatable
With a well written itinerary.

Soft*Silver · 07-07-2010, 05:07 AM

I am enjoying my new home group and new sponsor. I so love being part of AA again. It is so right! I love going to discussion meetings...which I use to avoid at all costs prior to my relapse.

I shared last night about my upcoming surgeries and how afraid I am of the pain management part of it. Meds. I felt so much more secure after talking about this...and know I am not going to be alone while I am recouping from my surgery.

I am so grateful I made it back...

LeftWriteFemme · 07-07-2010, 06:27 AM

Welcome back!!!!!!!!

LeftWriteFemme · 07-08-2010, 05:36 AM

July 8

Tooth Fairies and Super Heroes

I never know who the tooth fairy is going to be. Who might be the one person who will know CPR in my hour of need. Which unlikely friend will whisper to me the secret code to my mental lock. I have been caught off guard by the power of the most unlikely wallflowers. It is important for me not to prejudge, but even more important to leave space for surprise and the delightful aptitude of those around me and for that matter from strangers on the street. Also, it is good for me to remember there is change in my pocket and a resuscitation certificate in my wallet.

Repattern the impressions made on you

*
FAR OFF PLACES

Meetings too near home are unsatisfying to me.
On smooth simple days, local meetings are fine,
I catch a meeting, just slip it in.
On rough days I yearn for an out of town meeting.

After these many 24’s I come to realize I need the ride
As much as I need the meeting.
Like a discontented baby,
I need more that just a trip around the block.

The comfort of taking flight in my car
Is equaled by arriving at some far off AA meeting
Fresh faces and a new take on old woes
Are an antidote to my colicky attitude.

The drive back offers a sense of triumphant homecoming
A good meeting can be had anywhere
Sometimes I just need a change of place
Or a change of pace.

LeftWriteFemme · 07-09-2010, 05:26 AM

July 9

Night Clothes and Bed Clothes

Is there any indulgence quite like that of clean sleepwear warm from the laundry? Pulling on jammies over squeaky clean skin and the little shutter that goes with tired hedonism is a pleasure without formed words, left for grateful sounds and little moans. Hard work creates more than stability, more than cash flow and more than mere exhaustion, hard work changes my mind about delight and allows me to see it in the most obvious, most subtle of places. My bed has become haven, hospital, refuge and I am tucked up in my nest and safely out of my mind.

Tidy around your messy emotions

*

THE WATER YOU DRINK

Anyone who has to be drug to water
Doesn’t deserve a drink. said my sponsor
What about raising the bottom? I question.

I’m not talking about that
I am discussing people you try to convince into recovery
The folks you try to accommodate
.
The ones you attempt to bend reality for
These are the type who will piss in your well
Let me be clear--------

I am not concerned with individuals who piss in the pool
Which is rude and disgusting
But basically not life threatening
.
When your well is defiled
When the place you draw your drinking water from
Is used as a chamber pot--- your life is at risk.

Don’t ever pull your pants down
Over someone’s fresh water
Don’t let anyone squat with their bare ass over your sobriety

LeftWriteFemme · 07-10-2010, 06:12 AM

July 10

Special

Is it the wiring between my ears, the size of the pump in my chest? The difference which can be seen when you look from me to the neighbors? I know that you feel me to be special. I feel me to be special, too, just like you. Defining that thing, that combination which unlocks the mundane is more than just an attempt to point a finger, it’s a search for that little light. Close and closer we pull together and that is special but now I will whisper it, tell you the secret truth is my ability to play. Come play with me!

Whistle with the tune the wind brings you

*

IT’S MY PARTY

The party I was throwing myself in addiction
Was nothing but a very long wake.
There were no smiles, only murmurs of what might have been.
I was filled with tears I couldn’t cry
And mourned my death as I caused it.

When I took off my little black dress
And stepped from this shroud
I closed the bar, clicked the switch and the dirge stopped.
The funeral ended prematurely
I walked into AA where I learned to be the life of the party.

LeftWriteFemme · 07-11-2010, 07:28 AM

July 11

Let God Do What?

I hesitate to let go to G-d because I fear that G-d doesn’t like me, or likes me now, but doesn’t like me all the time. I think I got this belief from being the only child of parents who don’t like children. It never mattered how good I was, how smart or thoughtful, well informed, helpful, I always ended up being treated like I was a burden, someone to be endured. If only I was likeable, I would think to myself and try recreating me to become….what? Finally I settled on indispensable, if I could make myself necessary, then my life would be okay. People would need me therefore they would want me. What I discovered is that people who can’t live without me end up resenting me. By the time I was so important to others I was no longer important to me, so I didn’t need G-d’s help because I didn’t need anything, I didn’t exist. Over time what I have settled on are a few truths: People who don’t like kids shouldn’t have them. And I need G-d’s help to learn how to want to be here on this planet since I was not brought to earth by people who wanted me.

Title your dreams
*

SYMPTOMATIC BOUQUET

My bouquet of symptoms took root in alcoholism
I displayed these blossoms to few.
I thought I could keep these problem posies to myself.

No need to worry
Everyone has a bit of manure in their lives.
Mine hardly seem strange.

Planted in addiction things grew in a dramatic way
Pruning became unworkable,
Drastic measures were required.

Uprooted and exposed these virulent stalks
Created the need for help from better gardeners than I.
Thinned and repotted these character traits
Have fruited many a lovely harvest.

None of which could have happened
Had I been left in the family plot.

Soft*Silver · 07-18-2010, 07:15 PM

as I was pulling up the incredible amount of weeds that popped up since my back problem and the trip to the ER, it dawned on me that I was carrying a load of resentments. So as I pulled the weeds out, I was working on my resentment..how? By praying for the people I resent. I dont want to add fuel to the fire by adding madness and hurt to the problems, nor do I want my soil to fester with it either. Afterwards, as sweat rolled off me I watered everything a damn good drench to wash away the lingering and nourish the good I put in there..and in me...[/

Tommi · 07-18-2010, 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by softness

as I was pulling up the incredible amount of weeds that popped up since my back problem and the trip to the ER, it dawned on me that I was carrying a load of resentments. So as I pulled the weeds out, I was working on my resentment..how? By praying for the people I resent. I dont want to add fuel to the fire by adding madness and hurt to the problems, nor do I want my soil to fester with it either. Afterwards, as sweat rolled off me I watered everything a damn good drench to wash away the lingering and nourish the good I put in there..and in me...[/

Wow softness. Thank you for the post. It makes sense, and is a great visual. i think I need to weed tomorrow.

deeperstill · 07-19-2010, 02:40 AM

my ex. she is my friend and my former beloved. she is deep deep in denial and i swear it is breaking my heart. every time i think she has come to that place of understanding/that place where she finally sees, she says or does something to remind me that in fact she does not see. it comes in waves, this pain and anger and frustration and need to save her. i must not intervene again. this is my mantra for today.

07-07-2010, 04:24 AM	#1
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,285 Times in 5,184 Posts Rep Power: 21474869	July 7 Keeping My Seat I can sit through this. I can do it even when I don’t remember that I want to. I will get through this no matter how it tweaks me and I squirm in my seat. In spite of the unfairness of it all, I can do what is right, because that is what is best for me. Acting out or giving up are options that I have, but I like me too much to choose so poorly. When this is all settled I will still have me no matter what else I gain or lose. If I don’t like me anymore I have lost everything, if I can hold my head up, proud of my behavior this is the most valuable gain. Love is only love if I am still here to feel it, so I will sit still. Set group goals for your tiny terrors * TIME TABLES I know the train is coming And I want to read the schedule I hear rumors that the convoy going to Feeling will arrive in two years. The five-year expedition to getting my brains back Seems unlikely but is often commented on in meetings. Excursions to far-off destinations such as Functional and Reasonable have me on my feet In gleeful anticipation. Still I wish for a clear mapping of time. I feel I could leave off the worrying About the How of it if only I could Be sure of the When. This cavalcade of adventure Would be so much more palatable With a well written itinerary. __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

07-07-2010, 05:07 AM	#2
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,594 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,897 Times in 4,064 Posts Rep Power*: 21474858	I am enjoying my new home group and new sponsor. I so love being part of AA again. It is so right! I love going to discussion meetings...which I use to avoid at all costs prior to my relapse. I shared last night about my upcoming surgeries and how afraid I am of the pain management part of it. Meds. I felt so much more secure after talking about this...and know I am not going to be alone while I am recouping from my surgery. I am so grateful I made it back... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

07-07-2010, 06:27 AM	#3
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,285 Times in 5,184 Posts Rep Power: 21474869	Welcome back!!!!!!!! __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

07-08-2010, 05:36 AM	#4
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,285 Times in 5,184 Posts Rep Power: 21474869	July 8 Tooth Fairies and Super Heroes I never know who the tooth fairy is going to be. Who might be the one person who will know CPR in my hour of need. Which unlikely friend will whisper to me the secret code to my mental lock. I have been caught off guard by the power of the most unlikely wallflowers. It is important for me not to prejudge, but even more important to leave space for surprise and the delightful aptitude of those around me and for that matter from strangers on the street. Also, it is good for me to remember there is change in my pocket and a resuscitation certificate in my wallet. Repattern the impressions made on you * FAR OFF PLACES Meetings too near home are unsatisfying to me. On smooth simple days, local meetings are fine, I catch a meeting, just slip it in. On rough days I yearn for an out of town meeting. After these many 24’s I come to realize I need the ride As much as I need the meeting. Like a discontented baby, I need more that just a trip around the block. The comfort of taking flight in my car Is equaled by arriving at some far off AA meeting Fresh faces and a new take on old woes Are an antidote to my colicky attitude. The drive back offers a sense of triumphant homecoming A good meeting can be had anywhere Sometimes I just need a change of place Or a change of pace. __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

07-09-2010, 05:26 AM	#5
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,285 Times in 5,184 Posts Rep Power: 21474869	July 9 Night Clothes and Bed Clothes Is there any indulgence quite like that of clean sleepwear warm from the laundry? Pulling on jammies over squeaky clean skin and the little shutter that goes with tired hedonism is a pleasure without formed words, left for grateful sounds and little moans. Hard work creates more than stability, more than cash flow and more than mere exhaustion, hard work changes my mind about delight and allows me to see it in the most obvious, most subtle of places. My bed has become haven, hospital, refuge and I am tucked up in my nest and safely out of my mind. Tidy around your messy emotions * THE WATER YOU DRINK Anyone who has to be drug to water Doesn’t deserve a drink. said my sponsor What about raising the bottom? I question. I’m not talking about that I am discussing people you try to convince into recovery The folks you try to accommodate . The ones you attempt to bend reality for These are the type who will piss in your well Let me be clear-------- I am not concerned with individuals who piss in the pool Which is rude and disgusting But basically not life threatening . When your well is defiled When the place you draw your drinking water from Is used as a chamber pot--- your life is at risk. Don’t ever pull your pants down Over someone’s fresh water Don’t let anyone squat with their bare ass over your sobriety __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

07-10-2010, 06:12 AM	#6
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,285 Times in 5,184 Posts Rep Power: 21474869	July 10 Special Is it the wiring between my ears, the size of the pump in my chest? The difference which can be seen when you look from me to the neighbors? I know that you feel me to be special. I feel me to be special, too, just like you. Defining that thing, that combination which unlocks the mundane is more than just an attempt to point a finger, it’s a search for that little light. Close and closer we pull together and that is special but now I will whisper it, tell you the secret truth is my ability to play. Come play with me! Whistle with the tune the wind brings you * IT’S MY PARTY The party I was throwing myself in addiction Was nothing but a very long wake. There were no smiles, only murmurs of what might have been. I was filled with tears I couldn’t cry And mourned my death as I caused it. When I took off my little black dress And stepped from this shroud I closed the bar, clicked the switch and the dirge stopped. The funeral ended prematurely I walked into AA where I learned to be the life of the party. __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

07-11-2010, 07:28 AM	#7
LeftWriteFemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Daddy's good girl Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Jersey Posts: 16,642 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,529 Thanked 12,285 Times in 5,184 Posts Rep Power: 21474869	July 11 Let God Do What? I hesitate to let go to G-d because I fear that G-d doesn’t like me, or likes me now, but doesn’t like me all the time. I think I got this belief from being the only child of parents who don’t like children. It never mattered how good I was, how smart or thoughtful, well informed, helpful, I always ended up being treated like I was a burden, someone to be endured. If only I was likeable, I would think to myself and try recreating me to become….what? Finally I settled on indispensable, if I could make myself necessary, then my life would be okay. People would need me therefore they would want me. What I discovered is that people who can’t live without me end up resenting me. By the time I was so important to others I was no longer important to me, so I didn’t need G-d’s help because I didn’t need anything, I didn’t exist. Over time what I have settled on are a few truths: People who don’t like kids shouldn’t have them. And I need G-d’s help to learn how to want to be here on this planet since I was not brought to earth by people who wanted me. Title your dreams * SYMPTOMATIC BOUQUET My bouquet of symptoms took root in alcoholism I displayed these blossoms to few. I thought I could keep these problem posies to myself. No need to worry Everyone has a bit of manure in their lives. Mine hardly seem strange. Planted in addiction things grew in a dramatic way Pruning became unworkable, Drastic measures were required. Uprooted and exposed these virulent stalks Created the need for help from better gardeners than I. Thinned and repotted these character traits Have fruited many a lovely harvest. None of which could have happened Had I been left in the family plot. __________________ Clicking on these dragon eggs will take you to my new erotic novella: Dragon Bait .........Hope you enjoy it! ________________________________________________ Please take a look at my work Click on flashing smilie to see my website To look at my Daddy/girl erotica book Click on pompom girl to see Elbows on the Table, Palms Flat

07-18-2010, 07:15 PM	#8
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,594 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,897 Times in 4,064 Posts Rep Power*: 21474858	as I was pulling up the incredible amount of weeds that popped up since my back problem and the trip to the ER, it dawned on me that I was carrying a load of resentments. So as I pulled the weeds out, I was working on my resentment..how? By praying for the people I resent. I dont want to add fuel to the fire by adding madness and hurt to the problems, nor do I want my soil to fester with it either. Afterwards, as sweat rolled off me I watered everything a damn good drench to wash away the lingering and nourish the good I put in there..and in me...[/ __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

07-19-2010, 02:40 AM	#10
deeperstill Member How Do You Identify?: femme Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: northern california Posts: 135 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 419 Thanked 272 Times in 91 Posts Rep Power: 2862600	my ex. she is my friend and my former beloved. she is deep deep in denial and i swear it is breaking my heart. every time i think she has come to that place of understanding/that place where she finally sees, she says or does something to remind me that in fact she does not see. it comes in waves, this pain and anger and frustration and need to save her. i must not intervene again. this is my mantra for today.