The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

Queerasfck · 07-12-2010, 09:26 PM

Your post was brave and honest and the thread is really great Adele. I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.

If someone is doing the best that they can then what more can they do? I think that I do personally make exceptions for people who are differently-abled from time to time because of what I've read about them (from disclosure in their own posts).

A few years ago on another website I used to belong to a member/online friend I had was upset because he had no resources where he lived for a service he was seeking. He kept going on about how there was no help for him. I PM'd to help. I figured how hard could it be? Since it was a major city there were bound to be the resources and meetings he was seeking. So I worked and gathered up all the info I found after spending only a few hours on it. Gave him the phone numbers and addresses of multiple locations I had checked out (there were 12 locations in his area alone, so that gave me hope he would get what he was seeking). I even got him the times his group would meet. After a few days I PM'd to see if he had checked into any of them references and he told me a bunch of different reasons why none of them panned out. "They were closed, didn't exsist, was the wrong number, ran out of funding, etc."
I have to say it was sad and frustrating. I believe he didn't even try and from my POV it seemed like he was capable of calling at least one or two of the places. But maybe he really wasn't. He seemed capable in similar areas of his life.......but we had never met in real life. He continued to occasionally post about how nothing was ever available in his area and those services didn't exsist. So, you know I just moved on and didn't bring it up.

For the record it bugs me when I see *anyone* (differently-abled or not) continually making excuses for weird references in posts or inappropriate comments and/or just about things that seem to keep happening to them over and over again in their daily lives.

SuperFemme · 07-12-2010, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EzeeTiger

Your post was brave and honest and the thread is really great Adele. I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.

If someone is doing the best that they can then what more can they do? I think that I do personally make exceptions for people who are differently-abled from time to time because of what I've read about them (from disclosure in their own posts).

A few years ago on another website I used to belong to a member/online friend I had was upset because he had no resources where he lived for a service he was seeking. He kept going on about how there was no help for him. I PM'd to help. I figured how hard could it be? Since it was a major city there were bound to be the resources and meetings he was seeking. So I worked and gathered up all the info I found after spending only a few hours on it. Gave him the phone numbers and addresses of multiple locations I had checked out (there were 12 locations in his area alone, so that gave me hope he would get what he was seeking). I even got him the times his group would meet. After a few days I PM'd to see if he had checked into any of them references and he told me a bunch of different reasons why none of them panned out. "They were closed, didn't exsist, was the wrong number, ran out of funding, etc."
I have to say it was sad and frustrating. I believe he didn't even try and from my POV it seemed like he was capable of calling at least one or two of the places. But maybe he really wasn't. He seemed capable in similar areas of his life.......but we had never met in real life. He continued to occasionally post about how nothing was ever available in his area and those services didn't exsist. So, you know I just moved on and didn't bring it up.

For the record it bugs me when I see *anyone* (differently-abled or not) continually making excuses for weird references in posts or inappropriate comments and/or just about things that seem to keep happening to them over and over again in their daily lives.

Thank you for this post.

You experience with your friend on the other site struck a chord with me. Because I've been just like your friend. The first few years after acquiring a brain injury are the worst, because you basically have to say good bye to the person you used to be. Which means grieving, and that can take a long long time to process.

I know that when in that frame of mind, I didn't honestly want answers. I didn't want help. I wanted people to do things for me. Which looks a lot different that accepting real help. By that I mean the kind of help you offered. People doing things for me wasn't really help at all, no matter how well intentioned. I have gone from not walking, talking, paralyzed on one half of my body and unable to swallow on my own to being a full time mother and spouse again. I would NOT have made it to here had I not made the choice to get busy living.

I also think your response was absolutely perfect, because it is inevitable that you are going to get sucking into the abyss of helplessness and darkness that some of us get stuck in.

I guess I am just really invested in being the same as you. and you. and you. I know I am always going to be differently abled, but there are parts of me that CAN be the same. That can only happen if my consequences are the same, and my personal accountability is the same.

I'm not asking that everyone dogpile on the differently abled people. Not at all. I'm asking people to maybe think about being real with us, to try starting a dialogue when things get said or things happen that would result in you approaching any other person.

Of course be kind and empathetic and probably throw in a little patience, but don't let things slide always just because a person is differently abled.

Most of the people on this site that I know of are pretty open about their different-abledness and pretty open to hearing people.

socialjustice_fsu · 07-12-2010, 10:16 PM

by this thread, Adele. For me as a social worker I am constantly keeping a check on my own perceptions and responses to others. The one's that have posted here have my respect and admiration to bring this kind of thing to the table. We can NEVER stop learning about one another.

Really good thread. Thank you for stepping up to the plate and articulating something that is both very personal yet so very public.

You are beautiful.

Queerasfck · 07-12-2010, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Thank you for this post.

You experience with your friend on the other site struck a chord with me. Because I've been just like your friend. The first few years after acquiring a brain injury are the worst, because you basically have to say good bye to the person you used to be. Which means grieving, and that can take a long long time to process.

I know that when in that frame of mind, I didn't honestly want answers. I didn't want help. I wanted people to do things for me. Which looks a lot different that accepting real help. By that I mean the kind of help you offered. People doing things for me wasn't really help at all, no matter how well intentioned. I have gone from not walking, talking, paralyzed on one half of my body and unable to swallow on my own to being a full time mother and spouse again. I would NOT have made it to here had I not made the choice to get busy living.

I also think your response was absolutely perfect, because it is inevitable that you are going to get sucking into the abyss of helplessness and darkness that some of us get stuck in.

I guess I am just really invested in being the same as you. and you. and you. I know I am always going to be differently abled, but there are parts of me that CAN be the same. That can only happen if my consequences are the same, and my personal accountability is the same.

I'm not asking that everyone dogpile on the differently abled people. Not at all. I'm asking people to maybe think about being real with us, to try starting a dialogue when things get said or things happen that would result in you approaching any other person.

Of course be kind and empathetic and probably throw in a little patience, but don't let things slide always just because a person is differently abled.

Most of the people on this site that I know of are pretty open about their different-abledness and pretty open to hearing people.

I really appreciate what you are saying. These posts are all really a good learning tool. Also, I'm very glad you're here and posting.

sweetcali · 07-12-2010, 11:03 PM

What a beautiful thread. I agree that all too often there is a free pass given for bad behavior as in using an excuse for the behavior. I know that for myself and the changes that have taken place it has been your example of how to deal with the changes, your example of staying away from "victim" that have helped me to learn how to handle these changes within me.

I want to say a big thank you and much love to both you and Cal for living by example in by doing this it helps me to accept my changes and accept responsibility for them.

I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage.

sweetcali

(I sure hope this came out right)

SuperFemme · 07-12-2010, 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetcali

What a beautiful thread. I agree that all too often there is a free pass given for bad behavior as in using an excuse for the behavior. I know that for myself and the changes that have taken place it has been your example of how to deal with the changes, your example of staying away from "victim" that have helped me to learn how to handle these changes within me.

I want to say a big thank you and much love to both you and Cal for living by example in by doing this it helps me to accept my changes and accept responsibility for them.

I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage.

sweetcali

(I sure hope this came out right)

I hope this doesn't mean that you are not going to fight fair in our upcoming wheelchair races.

We love you back, but I am so winning.

Soft*Silver · 07-12-2010, 11:09 PM

Cali, I loved it when you said "I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage". I so agree with you! I think thats what sets me off. I am so determined not to be called a victim of my disabilities. I am different now, but am not a victim by any means...

SuperFemme · 07-12-2010, 11:24 PM

I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot.

I know that for *me* I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name.

I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club.

It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough".

So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is.

With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context.

I think *I* am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people.

What else could we use? Idea's?

I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.

07-12-2010, 09:26 PM	#1
Queerasfck Senior Member How Do You Identify?: still ballin' Relationship Status: Triple X Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: west side Posts: 2,544 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,716 Thanked 6,488 Times in 1,638 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Your post was brave and honest and the thread is really great Adele. I appreciate your honesty. Thank you. If someone is doing the best that they can then what more can they do? I think that I do personally make exceptions for people who are differently-abled from time to time because of what I've read about them (from disclosure in their own posts). A few years ago on another website I used to belong to a member/online friend I had was upset because he had no resources where he lived for a service he was seeking. He kept going on about how there was no help for him. I PM'd to help. I figured how hard could it be? Since it was a major city there were bound to be the resources and meetings he was seeking. So I worked and gathered up all the info I found after spending only a few hours on it. Gave him the phone numbers and addresses of multiple locations I had checked out (there were 12 locations in his area alone, so that gave me hope he would get what he was seeking). I even got him the times his group would meet. After a few days I PM'd to see if he had checked into any of them references and he told me a bunch of different reasons why none of them panned out. "They were closed, didn't exsist, was the wrong number, ran out of funding, etc." I have to say it was sad and frustrating. I believe he didn't even try and from my POV it seemed like he was capable of calling at least one or two of the places. But maybe he really wasn't. He seemed capable in similar areas of his life.......but we had never met in real life. He continued to occasionally post about how nothing was ever available in his area and those services didn't exsist. So, you know I just moved on and didn't bring it up. For the record it bugs me when I see anyone (differently-abled or not) continually making excuses for weird references in posts or inappropriate comments and/or just about things that seem to keep happening to them over and over again in their daily lives. __________________ http://www.advertisingarchives.co.uk...28750fb328.jpg

07-12-2010, 10:16 PM	#3
socialjustice_fsu Member How Do You Identify?: Feminine Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: It’s all good. Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: The gulf waters are sapphire blue and the beach sand is white as snow. Posts: 607 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,866 Thanked 2,155 Times in 439 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I am humbled... by this thread, Adele. For me as a social worker I am constantly keeping a check on my own perceptions and responses to others. The one's that have posted here have my respect and admiration to bring this kind of thing to the table. We can NEVER stop learning about one another. Really good thread. Thank you for stepping up to the plate and articulating something that is both very personal yet so very public. You are beautiful.

07-12-2010, 11:09 PM	#7
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,594 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,897 Times in 4,064 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	Cali, I loved it when you said "I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage". I so agree with you! I think thats what sets me off. I am so determined not to be called a victim of my disabilities. I am different now, but am not a victim by any means... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

07-12-2010, 11:03 PM	#5
sweetcali BFP Angel How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: Yes I have a status. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: I ride a cowboy in Rodeo in the communist nation of the isle of cali. Posts: 334 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 310 Thanked 246 Times in 98 Posts Rep Power: 3700738	What a beautiful thread. I agree that all too often there is a free pass given for bad behavior as in using an excuse for the behavior. I know that for myself and the changes that have taken place it has been your example of how to deal with the changes, your example of staying away from "victim" that have helped me to learn how to handle these changes within me. I want to say a big thank you and much love to both you and Cal for living by example in by doing this it helps me to accept my changes and accept responsibility for them. I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage. sweetcali (I sure hope this came out right)

07-12-2010, 11:24 PM	#8
SuperFemme Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Permanently Banned 10/24/2010 Preferred Pronoun?: She. Relationship Status: Married (one of 18,000) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Atascadero, CA Posts: 4,933 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,309 Thanked 7,108 Times in 2,327 Posts Rep Power: 0	I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot. I know that for me I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name. I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club. It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough". So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is. With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context. I think I am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people. What else could we use? Idea's? I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.