The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[sweetcali]

What a beautiful thread. I agree that all too often there is a free pass given for bad behavior as in using an excuse for the behavior. I know that for myself and the changes that have taken place it has been your example of how to deal with the changes, your example of staying away from "victim" that have helped me to learn how to handle these changes within me.

I want to say a big thank you and much love to both you and Cal for living by example in by doing this it helps me to accept my changes and accept responsibility for them.

I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage.

sweetcali

(I sure hope this came out right)

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by sweetcali

What a beautiful thread. I agree that all too often there is a free pass given for bad behavior as in using an excuse for the behavior. I know that for myself and the changes that have taken place it has been your example of how to deal with the changes, your example of staying away from "victim" that have helped me to learn how to handle these changes within me.

I want to say a big thank you and much love to both you and Cal for living by example in by doing this it helps me to accept my changes and accept responsibility for them.

I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage.

sweetcali

(I sure hope this came out right)

I hope this doesn't mean that you are not going to fight fair in our upcoming wheelchair races.

We love you back, but I am so winning.

[Soft*Silver]

Cali, I loved it when you said "I think those that choose to use their "pass" are also choosing to stay within the victim stage". I so agree with you! I think thats what sets me off. I am so determined not to be called a victim of my disabilities. I am different now, but am not a victim by any means...

[SuperFemme]

I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot.

I know that for *me* I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name.

I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club.

It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough".

So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is.

With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context.

I think *I* am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people.

What else could we use? Idea's?

I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.

[Soft*Silver]

great points you bring here...

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot.

I know that for *me* I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name.

I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club.

It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough".

So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is.

With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context.

I think *I* am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people.

What else could we use? Idea's?

I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.

[violaine]

superfemme wrote:

I'd like to have a discussion about this, and hear honest feedback, because I've noticed that sometimes we are given "passes" by our fellow community members (mostly in the spirit of caring/compassion) and I want to talk about how that can or cannot invalidate a differently-abled person.

Thanks.

i really don't know that in my case, i've noticed within this or any other online community, any "passes". my interaction is usually to the 'topic' and less posting back and forth to individuals, or groups of people. i do write from my own aspergian space mostly, because that's a way that feels right or natural to me, instead of using lots of 'we' or 'us' comments -so that may be part of it.



a note about adult services being difficult to come by, please. in some cases the only option is to start the group, if someone is able to do so, like i did for adults on the autism spectrum. otherwise, i would find numbers disconnected; closed groups/servies; or funding issues- as EZeeTiger listed.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I have a mother who has some issues, she takes a nice cocktail to keep her functioning and filtered.

When she says something stupid, fucked, up or uncalled for I call her ASS OUT, and ream her ass hard. I will NOT make any excuses she is my mother and she will *learn* to be polite and not be an ass hat. I do this because I know she can and giving her a pass is not doing her justice it only helps her out.


I have a brother who is deaf, my parents coddled the fuck out of him and did the whole aww but he is deaf thing.

I DID NOT, I kicked his ass, punched him, threw him on his back and will still do that shit and call him on his fucked upness. He does not get a special pass from me because we are from the same Momma and well my
Momma did not raise us to be anything other than strong independent human beings. He has gone without talking to me for 2 years because I
tell him *I do not want to hear your lame ass excuses* I hold him to the same standards as any fucking body else.


I have a son who is an Aspie.

I am hard on him, I check his 10 year old ass hard when he begins to be an ass hat. He pushes boundaries and I push back HARD, I am not gentler to him because I gave him life than any other person out there, matter of fact I am harder on my cubs because they are representin' me. When he does his lil I wanna be violent and then go catatonic shit I don't allow it, in this house we talk it out, if he chooses otherwise he knows life is not going to be *The Fairly Odd Parents* or *Transformers*.


I have a couple sisterfriends one who has TBI the other cancer.

There is NO male version of her, she is unique as they come, and with that comes challenges. Do I make excuses for her ass? Hell no, I will come down hard on her ass, make her cry and continue to do so, because I know she can and treating her otherwise enables her to live in a *disabled* space.

She isn't, she has a challenging situation, she knows better, I don't give a rats ass that her brains are scrambled, (yes I talk to her this way) she is not going to be an ass hat, bitch, boundary crossing. I treat her as my equal because she is, we just have different thinking mechanisms. I do it because I love her and care.

The other woman is just as strong, though her body and mind are not the same as a year ago, I won't give her the pass for being a jerk, if need be I will say to her what I have to say, it does not take much when you check someone, if they want to be seen as who they are they listen.

I won't give anyone a pass. We are all adults, equals. Using the excuse that you have an illness to be a jerk, sexist, ass hat and other various things is not going to fly nor should it.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by violaine

superfemme wrote:

I'd like to have a discussion about this, and hear honest feedback, because I've noticed that sometimes we are given "passes" by our fellow community members (mostly in the spirit of caring/compassion) and I want to talk about how that can or cannot invalidate a differently-abled person.

Thanks.

i really don't know that in my case, i've noticed within this or any other online community, any "passes". my interaction is usually to the 'topic' and less posting back and forth to individuals, or groups of people. i do write from my own aspergian space mostly, because that's a way that feels right or natural to me, instead of using lots of 'we' or 'us' comments -so that may be part of it.



a note about adult services being difficult to come by, please. in some cases the only option is to start the group, if someone is able to do so, like i did for adults on the autism spectrum. otherwise, i would find numbers disconnected; closed groups/servies; or funding issues- as EZeeTiger listed.

Thanks Violane. I'm glad that you haven't had to deal with the whole "pass" thing.

I understand what you are saying about adult services being difficult to find, but they are out there. I have yet to seek a specific kind of help without being able to find at least one resource. Even here where I live now, which is almost rural.

[christie]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone that this thread is about ALL differently abled people.

Not just neuro-disabled.

We have so very many types of differently abled people here and I want to make sure that we don't put everyone into a box. Sure, there are those of us who have cognitive issues. But a wheelchair, being hearing impaired, multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy, an amputee and the rest of the different abilities all tend to lead to the general public thinking that all of it is cognitive (meaning we are all slow) issues. We find people talking louder, and slower and often times in a tone reserved for three year olds.

First of all, cognitive challenges don't = slow. Secondly, talking to DA'd people with the assumption that all DA = Cognitive really demeans us all as human beings.

This is just a gentle reminder, and not directed at any one person. I get super frustrated at the public perceptions around differently abled people and I want to make sure that this community steers clear of that.

If anyone has any questions please feel free to pm me.

thanks,

adele

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I really want to start a conversation about something near and dear to my heart.

That is the subject of personal responsibility when posting as a differently-abled person. As the Ambassador for such things I think it is an important conversation to have right now.

As some of you know I am differently-abled. I have a severe TBI (traumatic brain injury) as well as some other serious health issues.

What does that mean for *me*? It means that I don't have filters the way normal people do. It means that my frontal temporal lobe was SO damaged that my critical thinking and emotional response mechanisms don't work like yours. It is like using a coffee filter in place of an oil filter maybe. The way that my brain processes and regurgitates is from a very emotional place, and the filtering system that most people have telling them what is okay to say and what is not doesn't work like normal.

I have to live every day very differently than most people in a lot of ways. I have to be reminded to eat, to take medicine, to feed my children, to shower....the list is endless.

I'm getting to the point I promise.

This all means that I have to work a little harder if I want to be a part of society. I have to set alarms, use calendars and rely on the people that love me (truly love me) to keep me on track. Mostly, I have to rely on myself, because at the end of the day it is *me* who has to live with the consequences of not using compensation strategies to fill in for the things that I am lacking.

I have lived this way since July 26, 2003. That is almost exactly 7 years.

For the first three years (while I was in a brain injury rehab program) I really believed that it was the worlds job to understand me. I couldn't understand why I didn't get passes for my ridiculousness because of my head injury.

I now understand that it is my job to the work. That means I don't get a special *Pass* for my different-ability. It is not the worlds fault that I am like this and frankly it is an impossible request that the world compensate for me rather than me compensating for myself.

I don't WANT a pass. I feel angry when I do get one, because it is taking away the day to day work of being Adele that empowers me.

If I act like an asshole, I don't get to say: "I have a head injury".
If I am hurtful to others I don't get to say: "I have a head injury".
If I am racist or sexist or misogynistic I don't get to say: "I have a head injury".
If I am mean spirited and snarky I don't get to say: "I have a head injury".

I instead get to own up to my behaviors. For me, this can mean apologizing, listening (and hearing) when others come to me and say "that was kind of fucked up and heres why", it means writing and re-writing posts, and it means having others check my posts AFTER I've read and re-read what I've written before I hit the submit button.

I am not perfect and I own that there have been plenty of times that I have gotten lazy and complacent. For the most part, I have had to live with the consequences of that. Like Juney un-friending me in Facebook.

So I hope that we as a community can remember that although a person may be differently abled, we are all responsible for our own actions. Head patting and "poor poor baby" responses are diminishing and erasing. I don't know any differently abled person who wants to be pitied.

Pitied would look like me saying anything I want and nobody every caring because poor thing has a head injury.

Accommodated would look like me saying gross things and people calling me out just like anyone else.

Because if somebody got angry with me deservedly that would be a consequence of me not using my compensation strategies. And that needs to happen.

Just because I am differently-abled does not mean that I don't have to live by the same set of rules that the rest of the world does.

When I am babied, coddled, or given leeway that others are not it translates to me that I am indeed challenged and broken beyond repair.

THAT takes away my hope and incentive for living in the world as a human being just like everyone else.

I'd like to have a discussion about this, and hear honest feedback, because I've noticed that sometimes we are given "passes" by our fellow community members (mostly in the spirit of caring/compassion) and I want to talk about how that can or cannot invalidate a differently-abled person.

Thanks.

Adele -

While I appreciate your wanting to be sure that this thread is about all DA persons, I can't help but be just a tad confused at this point.

In your opening post, you specifically wanted to address accountability when posting as a DA person. You went on to speak of your personal experience with TBI, which, to me, falls into neuro-diversity.

I thought that you were wanting to discuss holding DA persons to the same standards in rules and expectations on this site in relation to adhering to the TOS.

While I am sure that physical limitations such as the ones you mention in your last post have bearing and can be related to to a person's state of mind when they post, I don't know how my having a permanent physical disability impacts my posting. I don't know how having a 23% disability of my knee allows me to have the mythical pass you speak of when I am accountable for the words I type - not how long it takes me to navigate going down steps.

I am really not trying to be argumentative and wanted to ask for clarification since my interpretation of your last post seems to conflict with the OP. If the direction of the thread has now changed to talk about how physical disabilities allow DA persons this pass in real-time interactions, so will my participation in this thread.

Thanks,
Christie

[DamonK]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I want to say something about the word "victim" because it gets thrown around a lot.

I know that for *me* I was a victim. Of a drunk driver. I had to go through that period of shock and awe that happens when you wake up from a coma and don't know who you are or where you or even your name.

I know that some of us were born with different abilities, some of us acquired them from traumatic things and some of us have illnesses which got us in the club.

It is normal (i think) to grieve for what you've lost, what you know will never be, and sometimes from frustration of not feeling "enough".

So some of us are stuck in that mode of grieving for longer than others. Some of us never get out of that space. That's just the way it is.

With that being said, I don't think it's fair for us (the collective us) to label people victims in such a negative context.

I think *I* am the one that gets to decide if victim fits me. I could be wrong, but it feels oogie to me to use the word in a negative context when talking about other people.

What else could we use? Idea's?

I tend to think of "stuck" when thinking about the times I've not been able to fight my way out of the darkness.

First part, in reference to grieving:

It may sound odd, and I'll explain why in a moment, but I am 28 and at times I still grieve for what I don't have.

Hmm, funny that. I've been this way since birth. It's...awkward...to grieve for something that is the ONLY thing you've ever known. I don't know what it's like to see with two eyes, or to suddenly jump in a swimming pool on a whim. I don't know a world without checking my pockets before work, "Do I have hearing aid batteries?" In fact, last week, without thinking about it, I took 2 packs to work! I don't know a world where, in some instances, I politely nod, and read lips to finish a conversation, or a sentence, then say, "Could you please excuse me a moment?" then turn, and quickly change batteries, because my hearing aid is beeping at me and driving me batty, saying "Change me change me."

It's possessed. I swear it is.

Point is, I don't know another world, but these thoughts are what I have everyday, and situations I find myself in fairly often. Simple facts of my life.

Which leads me to point two:

I do NOT consider myself a victim.

I consider myself lucky.

You see, back then, with my situations... I shouldn't be alive today. My mom, around my birthday, calls me, crying, every year, still amazed and thankful that I pulled through -- 28 years later. And every year, there's one story she tells me. It's a story of grief, and resignation. But it's a reminder that miracles do exist. And I'll even share it.

My doctor's name was Dr. McGee. He was my doctor until I was about 7 I think. I don't know. I still remember sometimes he'd look at me with wonder on his face. Back then I didn't understand why. Now I do. Not long after my birth, Doc went to my mom's hospital room, crying. Doc was in street clothes, off duty... He told Mom how sorry he was and how he didn't think I'd make it through the night. I'd taken a bad downhill turn.

That is the only part of the story I remember. It connects the dots for me what I had to fight through to make it.

For me, at least, one thought crosses my head? How can I consider myself a victim when I know how lucky I am to be alive?

Then the annoyance over batteries seems quite insignificant when I remember....

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by DamonK

First part, in reference to grieving:

It may sound odd, and I'll explain why in a moment, but I am 28 and at times I still grieve for what I don't have.

Hmm, funny that. I've been this way since birth. It's...awkward...to grieve for something that is the ONLY thing you've ever known. I don't know what it's like to see with two eyes, or to suddenly jump in a swimming pool on a whim. I don't know a world without checking my pockets before work, "Do I have hearing aid batteries?" In fact, last week, without thinking about it, I took 2 packs to work! I don't know a world where, in some instances, I politely nod, and read lips to finish a conversation, or a sentence, then say, "Could you please excuse me a moment?" then turn, and quickly change batteries, because my hearing aid is beeping at me and driving me batty, saying "Change me change me."

It's possessed. I swear it is.

Point is, I don't know another world, but these thoughts are what I have everyday, and situations I find myself in fairly often. Simple facts of my life.

Which leads me to point two:

I do NOT consider myself a victim.

I consider myself lucky.

You see, back then, with my situations... I shouldn't be alive today. My mom, around my birthday, calls me, crying, every year, still amazed and thankful that I pulled through -- 28 years later. And every year, there's one story she tells me. It's a story of grief, and resignation. But it's a reminder that miracles do exist. And I'll even share it.

My doctor's name was Dr. McGee. He was my doctor until I was about 7 I think. I don't know. I still remember sometimes he'd look at me with wonder on his face. Back then I didn't understand why. Now I do. Not long after my birth, Doc went to my mom's hospital room, crying. Doc was in street clothes, off duty... He told Mom how sorry he was and how he didn't think I'd make it through the night. I'd taken a bad downhill turn.

That is the only part of the story I remember. It connects the dots for me what I had to fight through to make it.

For me, at least, one thought crosses my head? How can I consider myself a victim when I know how lucky I am to be alive?

Then the annoyance over batteries seems quite insignificant when I remember....

I love this post! I have to tell you that I evolved from being angry that a drunk driver "stole my life" and feeling sorry for myself to "This accident was a gift".

I am still here! Against all odds. I am no longer working 60 - 80 hour work weeks. I am enjoying my children 24 hours a day and they are not in daycare/school for 10 - 12 hours a day. So much to thankful for, that it makes me mad to be called a victim.

I may have wallowed in self pity for a while, but no. I am not a victim.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of gifts. Kind of like your batteries needing changing. You are here to change them! How amazing is that given that you were given such a grim prognosis.

Oh, and about grieving something you've never had. Absolutely. That makes perfect sense to me.

Have you ever had anyone call you a victim? If so, how do you (or how would) you deal with that?

[DamonK]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I love this post! I have to tell you that I evolved from being angry that a drunk driver "stole my life" and feeling sorry for myself to "This accident was a gift".

I am still here! Against all odds. I am no longer working 60 - 80 hour work weeks. I am enjoying my children 24 hours a day and they are not in daycare/school for 10 - 12 hours a day. So much to thankful for, that it makes me mad to be called a victim.

I may have wallowed in self pity for a while, but no. I am not a victim.

At the end of the day, there are a lot of gifts. Kind of like your batteries needing changing. You are here to change them! How amazing is that given that you were given such a grim prognosis.

Oh, and about grieving something you've never had. Absolutely. That makes perfect sense to me.

Have you ever had anyone call you a victim? If so, how do you (or how would) you deal with that?

*grins teasingly* I'm even here to pay the arm and a leg for them.

This is a normal conversation with my mom, who lives in TX and is a night owl.

Mom: Go to walmart with me.
Me: Alright, lets go.

We talk awhile.

Me: Hey mom, go see if there are batteries on sale.
Mom: What kind do you use now?
Me: I dunno. Orange tab.
Mom: I thought it was brown.
Me: That was from the aid that your dog ate.
Mom: "laughing* Okay, I got you a couple packs.

A 8 pack of batts can cost me 8 bucks. No, it's not much, but consider I have to change a batt every week or so. It adds up!

The worst for me is if the damned thing breaks. I have to have it repaired every few months. Luckily, my repairs are cheap, about 5 bucks. Usually a plastic tubing breaks.

Now to answer your question...

I sometimes get called a victim.
I often get funny looks because of my speech.
I have that unmistakeable "deaf" voice.

When I get called a victim, I just say "no I'm not".

Then I hear "Oh poor you!"

About that time I'm telling the "offender" to shut up.

I'm not "poor." I'm a guy trying to make it in a hearing world. And yanno, sometimes, yeah, it does piss me off.

When I work with residents (keep in mind I'm a CNA) of different nationalities that speak a different language primarily, I try to learn a few phrases in their preferred language.

The same thing with friends. I try to show that consideration.

But, it pisses me off sometimes when some people won't consider learning a few things in MY preferred language.

I use speech out of necessity. I've no problem with speaking. But, please understand, I grew up signing in school and having interpreters. There are times I'd like to have the comfort of MY preferred language.

My parents never learned sign language. My mom knows the sign for crackers (sighs... always had to have saltine crackers in my house, even now), the sign for "I love you", beautiful, and some of the alphabet.

My dad knows "I love you."

If you will indulge me, SF, I will use you for an example.

You want to talk on the phone. I say "no." You get offended. I say "I can't read your lips on the phone." You say "I'll talk louder."

*sighs*

That's not the answer. Talking louder doesn't help me. If my back is turned and I can't read lips, and I'm busy and can't turn around, alright, I'll be a little more understanding if you do that.

Slow down a little. Let me read your lips. And no, I'm not fantasizing about making out with you just because I'm staring at your mouth.

These are all situations I deal with very regularly and how I get treated like a "victim".

I don't like it.

Sorry for the rant.