Dealing With Ill Parents

[Jesse]

Sending prayers for you and your family Scorp.

[Soon]

Hi Scorp,

I am so sorry to hear of your mother's ill health; I can relate to many of the feelings you and your family are going through.


My dad died of brain cancer a little over ten years ago and, for close to 3 years, watched a healthy man struggle with his diagnosis, operations, a stroke, and finally was brought home to die.

I remember the baby monitor in his room and hearing him moan in a semi-conscious state not knowing if he had enough pain meds or what. Going upstairs and sitting with him and feeling helpless and crying and trying not to because I didn't want him to see me break down. It's traumatic for all family members and can wear you down.

I remember going to work and being in a fog a lot of the times. Work, for me (before and after his death), actually helped me as it kept me busy and on a schedule. After work, I would go sit with him first in the hospital and later at home. I did manage to share with him in a letter -- I am so glad I did this -- all of my thoughts and love for him before he was too far gone to understand.

Remember to go easy on yourself and take some time to take care of your needs to keep you sane and healthy.

Wishing your family comfort in these trying days,

Soon

[Scorp]

All,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the supportive messages in this thread, in private, in reputation points, and via text messages. I'm not a person who usually is loss for words, but a this time I am.

I truly appreciate you sharing your special stories. That meant a lot to me and if I could hug each of you, I would.

Thanks again.

[tuffboi29]

Scorp,

I know this is such a tender subject, so I am hoping the question I would like to ask isn't too much to answer. If it is I understand and apologise from the bottom of my heart.

My question is this...With the loss of my Da's former personality and this emerging new one, I find it increasingly difficult to cope and in some cases understand even though I have done as much research to try too. It doesn't seem to prepare you for the actual experience itself. How are you/what are your coping mechinisims to keep stong while watching the person you once knew slip away?
Like I said I understand if you can't or won't answer it. I'm just grasping for anything to help guide me along as I have never dealt with anything like this before. Any input or advice is more than apprieciated.
Once again...my deepest sympthies...you are in my thought and prayers.

[Gayla]

Hey Scorp -

I've been through something similar with both of my parents. It is, truly, the hardest thing I've ever done yet something that I'm grateful for having experienced. Treasure the moments that you can. Pray hard. And, hold tight to her hand, it's good for you both.

I, also, would encourage you to take extra good care of yourself during this time. It's not selfish.

My thoughts, prayers, woo and white light are with you and your family.

G

[Arwen]

OH honey. I'm glad you have a supportive partner. It's incredibly hard to go through this. You've gotten some great advice about making sure you take care of yourself. I spend two weeks in the hospital with my mother. I mean I lived in her room with her. She was not where your mom is.

It's one of the hardest things I think we can go through--to see the person who represented so much to us deteriorate and know there is not a single damned thing we can do to stop it.

My mom had End Stage Renal Disease as well. They put her on the transplant list only to find that she had inoperable cancer. It's not easy. I totally get your prayers. They are not wrong. Do not blame yourself for those emotions, honey. They are real. They are valid.

Just more hugs in general.

[Unndunn]

My heart goes out to you. I think you've gotten some great advice from people already and all I can do is share what worked for me and what was the hardest when I lost my mother last year. I was her primary caretaker for the last six months of her life and was completely exhausted for most of that time. She had multiple chronic illnesses and was grieving the death of my father who died in 2007. She lost her will to live and my brothers and I struggled on a daily basis with trying to lift her spirits, urging her to eat one more bite, to try getting out of bed, to see at least some beauty and hope in the world. At a certain point I made the transition to just being her advocate, even when I didn't agree with what she wanted. Putting those opposing feelings in separate compartments in my head and heart was difficult. I wanted her to live, she wanted to die and be with my father.

I don't know where your mother is in this process and I'm sure she can't even think about much beyond her pain, but I urge you to focus on two things.

The first is being her advocate-- find out what she wants and make sure that everyone on her medical treatment team knows it. Make sure she gets her pain meds on time, make sure she gets them prior to any planned moves (ie going to have tests done, daily hygiene from nursing staff). Make sure that everyone in your family knows what she wants and are willing to help her or that they respect her enough to not keep her from what she wants and needs. Even if that means that at some point in the future, God forbid, she just wants to die with dignity.

The second thing I hope you and your brother focus on is taking care of yourselves. You need to sleep, take vitamins, become a hand sanitizer freak at the hospital so that you don't catch anything, work out a schedule between friends and family so that everyone who loves her commits to times that they will sit with her and make sure her treatment plan is being followed.

I can't say I know how you feel because everyone's situation is unique. But I do know how I felt and what worked and what didn't. I wish you peace and I wish your mother comfort and freedom from pain.

Unn

[ruthie14]

((((((Scorp))))))) I'll keep you and your Mom in my prayers.
Ruthie