Open Letter: Dear Femme

Arwen · 12-05-2009, 11:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

the implication of being nefariously destructive because you dare to question the implied heirarchy of presumed (or assumed) power. And all this is designed to do, is to force us to sit down, shut up and be good girls. -- Fuck that.

When we allow anyone to silence us in order to conform, we are acting out of fear that we will be excluded somehow, or punished, or ostracized or accused of "isms" in order to deflect from what is really going on. I have seen so many people lose themselves in this systematic, deliberate process.

Oh hell yeah, June. I am still struggling with this issue of being silenced in ordered to conform. I've done this for years and years and years. Only lately have I found the strength to draw a line in the sand and truly stick to my personal safety boundaries.

And it is more than hard. It's like concrete with those little rocks thrown in for texture. It hurts to rub up against. I don't like it but I have to maintain it for my own good.

It causes uncomfortable silences. It makes for hard conversation. It requires blunt, raw self-honesty that does not flinch when it looks in your mirror.

It is, one might want to say, not feminine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

Just because you can't find your own voice, doesn't
mean you get to silence mine.

QUOTABLE ALERT. I want to cross-stitch this and hang it in my house. Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

Femme Heirarchy/Butch Heirarchy/Masculine Heirarchy -- All it is doing is dividing us further and it sickens me. No one should have to fight for space *here* the way we all have to *there* (outside). Somehow, there has to be a way for us to be able to admit our internalized feelings (even the ugly ones) in ways that allow us to be introspective without making anyone feel less than.

This space here seems to be allowing us to do that at least in this thread. I don't go into some of the other threads so I may be missing things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by June

And each of us has to reconcile it within ourselves, and if we are brave we talk about it, lay it on the table, so to speak and hope that others will try to understand outside of their own belief system.

Dear June,

Having a voice doesn't make you masculine. It makes you human.

Love,
Poodle

This was honestly one of the best posts of this thread for me personally. I have fought with myself over this one. The thing I get hit with when I voice an unpopular opinion or speak stridently or "meanly" is that I am being "toppy".

Same thing. Apparently femme also equals submissive (can someone tell Snow that because I'm just not that brave.) So it becomes a silencer to tell someone they are being "toppy" when all they are doing is expressing an opinion.

Having a voice doesn't make you dominant . It makes you human.

Thanks, poodle. Your next haircut (topiary included) is on me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by julieisafemme

I love all labels. I am a labely kind of gal. The supportive role and label we have talked about is one I don't like sometimes. As a woman I am expected to be supportive of everyone, all the time. That gets old and it is my mistake and my responsibility to support myself first always. I don't do that and that is a problem. It is the age old lament I think. When is there time for me?

This is going to sound harsh.

There is time for you when you make time for you. Expecting others to fulfill your needs is a waste of precious time. Do for yourself or don't get it at all.

I do not mean that your partner can not complement you as well as compliment you. Far from it.

But how tiresome would it be to feel that you have to meet your partner's every need.

So I challenge you to make time for yourself this week and stick to it.

julieisafemme · 12-06-2009, 03:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Arwen

Oh hell yeah, June. I am still struggling with this issue of being silenced in ordered to conform. I've done this for years and years and years. Only lately have I found the strength to draw a line in the sand and truly stick to my personal safety boundaries.

And it is more than hard. It's like concrete with those little rocks thrown in for texture. It hurts to rub up against. I don't like it but I have to maintain it for my own good.

It causes uncomfortable silences. It makes for hard conversation. It requires blunt, raw self-honesty that does not flinch when it looks in your mirror.

It is, one might want to say, not feminine.

QUOTABLE ALERT. I want to cross-stitch this and hang it in my house. Thank you.

This space here seems to be allowing us to do that at least in this thread. I don't go into some of the other threads so I may be missing things.

This was honestly one of the best posts of this thread for me personally. I have fought with myself over this one. The thing I get hit with when I voice an unpopular opinion or speak stridently or "meanly" is that I am being "toppy".

Same thing. Apparently femme also equals submissive (can someone tell Snow that because I'm just not that brave.) So it becomes a silencer to tell someone they are being "toppy" when all they are doing is expressing an opinion.

Having a voice doesn't make you dominant . It makes you human.

Thanks, poodle. Your next haircut (topiary included) is on me.

This is going to sound harsh.

There is time for you when you make time for you. Expecting others to fulfill your needs is a waste of precious time. Do for yourself or don't get it at all.

I do not mean that your partner can not complement you as well as compliment you. Far from it.

But how tiresome would it be to feel that you have to meet your partner's every need.

So I challenge you to make time for yourself this week and stick to it.

Harsh away!!! I didn't take it as harsh at all. I just spent the evening with my two sisters, a friend we have known for 20 years and my niece. It is way past my bed time!! I had a delightful evening.