Open Letter: Dear Femme

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by Bit

{{{{{{{{{{{{{e}}}}}}}}}}} You know I love you, darlin, and I admire your mind intensely. I recognize what you want from the thread, and I heard you saying you didn't want this to be personal between you and Kosmo.

I dunno how Kosmo took it, but reading your post, it felt personal to me. Please let me explain why?

You said in the beginning of your post that Kosmo's choice to post confused you. Two things stand out for me. The first is, early in the thread we as a group said Butch/Trans input was welcome, and we engaged in conversations with the Butches and Transmen who posted. The second is, Blush asked Kosmo a direct question; she specifically asked for that post. Wouldn't have ignoring her been a subtle form of silencing her? It would certainly have been utterly rude!

What bothers me now is that to me, personally, it seems like Kosmo has been silenced--and not just Kosmo, but by extension all the Butches/Transmen in this thread. I read all those posts saying "why are we always the ones who are "supportive"? Why can't our partners be supportive?" here is a masculine person being supportive, answering a question asked by someone in the community.... but the response we give is "please don't."

I fully admit this is simply how I read it. Maybe I'm the only one who sees it that way, and if so, well, I apologize for derailing the thread.

I just know that I do not live in a vacuum and I cannot be authentically me without deeply examining all the parts of my life.... and half the examining comes from without, from testing my own thoughts, perceptions, and opinions up against those of other people. The people I value the most for that examining are always the people in my own community, whatever their identities might happen to be... I am looking always for the thoughts which shed light on my soul, and I find them as often from Butches and Transmen as from Femmes. I don't wish for any of us to be silenced.

Please know that I understand your goal for the thread is to have a deep conversation among Femmes; I appreciate your willingness to shepherd this convo... but if Butch/Trans voices are not welcome as part of that conversation, then I think we should be really clear and say so outright to everyone, and we should as a group stop inviting their participation.

Bit, first, let me say that Blush asked:

"I'd be interested to hear from y'all what YOU(and by You I mean all y'all, not YOU personally, Kosmo) can do to change how we are perceived."

To me, it appears that she is asking femmes to answer her question, and politely asking Kosmo not to speak to a question s/he could not speak to. I would not go into the Female-id'd Butch Thread and offer my opinion on how they change the way they are perceived, nor a Transfolk thread, etc. and do the same.

Kosmo and I have talked, and I feel that we're good with each other about this. Kosmo's extremely respectful, and only intended to be with her/his post (which I knew). I needed to say what I did, though, not to/at Kosmo necessarily, but at the idea that anyone can answer for us. I see this happening all the time. To allow it without speaking to it just isn't in my makeup.

To this:

"What bothers me now is that to me, personally, it seems like Kosmo has been silenced--and not just Kosmo, but by extension all the Butches/Transmen in this thread. I read all those posts saying "why are we always the ones who are "supportive"? Why can't our partners be supportive?" here is a masculine person being supportive, answering a question asked by someone in the community.... but the response we give is "please don't."

I felt that because a butch person had been the first to answer a question that only we could answer for ourselves, it may have felt silencing to feminine people. I don't buy into a Kumbaya theory of togetherness in which we all have to stand up for one another 100% of the time so that no one's toes get stepped on. I don't wish to step on anyone, don't misread me. But if I'm always protecting someone else's toes, it's likely mine are not going to be well looked after, nor yours. And here, in this thread, I'm lookin' after mine and yours. I named a general atmosphere when I wrote the OP. It's masculine-centric all up in here. I can walk into a thread about the most inane subject and whamo! There it is.

What I need now, is for butches and transmen to listen. And when they do speak, because it is welcome, is for their words to, yes, be supportive. And if I see that a problematic structure exists within those words, one maybe everyone else ain't lookin' at, I'm going to name it. It may not "feel" like my old way of supporting, but it is still a kind of love.

And, Bit, I believe it is a more authentic kind of love.

It is one that says, this is really what I need to hear. I want for my sisters and me to be truly seen. And I promise to return you the favor. Only then, I believe, can we know each other for the people we are, less the roles, minus the expectations. Only then, can we decide whether the support we summarily give is worth something.