Mental Illness

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am clinically depressed. For me right now, I feel like I walk on egg shells around people. My words are taken out of context or misconstrued to mean something other than what they were meant to mean. And for me, it takes too much energy to get it out. I am tired of always and then being labeled a . Let me give an example. Today I went to the grocery store for Rosie. She has to give me a list, otherwise I come home with half the store. Anyway, she had some spice on the list that was for baking. I could barely pronounce the word, plus had no clue it was a spice. I handed the list to the lady in the help booth or whatever it's called nowadays. She looked at it, then laughed. She said the entire end cap was just filled with it from top to bottom. Who knew? I didn't. Heck, I didn't even see it. I felt like a jerk.

Holidays are hard on me. I used to enjoy being around people when I was younger, but not any more. It is more like dread as I have aged. Just another person to jump me, and make fun of me. I think I do better one on one. But that is just me.

I am glad that you guys and gals understand me, and help me. It makes my life so much more full. I use this site as a safe haven. You enrich my life more than you will ever know.

Love,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I am clinically depressed. For me right now, I feel like I walk on egg shells around people. My words are taken out of context or misconstrued to mean something other than what they were meant to mean. And for me, it takes too much energy to get it out. I am tired of always and then being labeled a . Let me give an example. Today I went to the grocery store for Rosie. She has to give me a list, otherwise I come home with half the store. Anyway, she had some spice on the list that was for baking. I could barely pronounce the word, plus had no clue it was a spice. I handed the list to the lady in the help booth or whatever it's called nowadays. She looked at it, then laughed. She said the entire end cap was just filled with it from top to bottom. Who knew? I didn't. Heck, I didn't even see it. I felt like a jerk.

Holidays are hard on me. I used to enjoy being around people when I was younger, but not any more. It is more like dread as I have aged. Just another person to jump me, and make fun of me. I think I do better one on one. But that is just me.

I am glad that you guys and gals understand me, and help me. It makes my life so much more full. I use this site as a safe haven. You enrich my life more than you will ever know.

Love,
Andrew

Andrew, I agree 100% about the holidays. All sorts of people to be around and unfamiliar places to navigate. It takes all my energy for one party, and I have several in my future. Kind of like a field of landmines.



One thing I have found helpful is to remember that most people are so into themselves that I am noticed way less than I think I am. If someone takes you wrong...calmly appologize and laugh with them. I know its hard, I am working on this myself. I am very defensive when I feel like I have done somehting dumb...in reality, most people have not noticed what I did or me at all. Don't feel like a jerk.

Really, if they are laughing to your face, they are either laughing with you, or a way huger jerk than you are even capable of being and thats on them!

PS. yes, I know huger is not a word, but I live to make up words

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalipstic,

Thank you for your post. I love the words you make up. I do that too. It is my thing.

Yes, I am feeling like the holidays are a landminds just ready to go off. I am going to try what you said to do. I am just praying it works. My anxiety is off the charts now. I have been to the doctor 3x's already for this. Each year it just gets worse and worse.

Thanks again.

Love,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Apocalipstic,

Thank you for your post.

Yes, I am feeling like the holidays are a landminds just ready to go off. I am going to try what you said to do. I am just praying it works. My anxiety is off the charts now. I have been to the doctor 3x's already for this. Each year it just gets worse and worse.

Thanks again.

Love,
Andrew

It makes me anxious too. Maybe it will help that we can talk about it here.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have caution...

[Linus]

I don't want to intrude here but wanted to ask a question about the use of music to address mental illness. I ask this because it's something that a social worker suggested to my half-sister and interestingly, it seems to work. A bit of background: my half-sister was the sole witness to my mom's murder. This was a lot for an 8 year old to take in but coupled with that were a variety of conditions (i.e., Turner's syndrome, emotional abuse, slight Down's syndrome and, we suspect, OCD tendencies). What resulted was a form of schizophrenia and increased OCD behaviour. While she was already on a variety of medications to address other issues, the medication for the schizophrenia wasn't quite working. So the lead social worker in my sister's group setting suggested she listen to music (specifically Baroque classical) whenever the "experience" got to be too much.

Apparently this has helped huge with her ability to control things and has made it a more managable situation for herself. Granted, she'll never live on her own but she has a place of her own in a group setting, goes on trips, works, shops, etc. She's been using this for 5 years+ now and hasn't had any medication for her illness. Nor has she had major incidents. Certainly she can still focus on certain things endlessly and I cannot tell her about my transition (this would be too much and that is something I respect so I write to her with my birth name rather than my chosen name) but I did find it interesting.

So I was curious if others have used music as a mechanism to address other mental illnesses such as bi-polar, depression, anxiety, etc? And I wonder if it's the actual tempo or the attention is taken away from the illness and the mind focuses on something else or perhaps a combo of the two? Has anyone heard of this or been suggested this? Or was the social worker just lucky at the suggestion?

[Apocalipstic]

Hi Linus!

I know music therapy does exist and I know everything is better for me with music playing. It makes total sense

When I travel or even if I go to the grocery store and am anxious, on go my heaphones.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Linus,

I use music all the time. My anxiety is off the charts now that the holidays are coming up. I used to be able to listen and calm down when I was younger to Christmas music, but not anymore. My bio-father took my record player and records, and basically destroyed them when he was in a violent mood let's just say. I was listening to Christmas music at that particular time.

I listen to classical music when I go to bed at night. During the stressful times, I listen to easy listening music or show tunes. I have to be careful because sometimes I will have flashbacks if I get zoned out.

The one thing I will suggest to you, maybe when you go to see your sister, let her see you and touch your facial hair, and talk first. That maybe the way for her to communicate your transition.

You are always welcome here. I think how you are handling your family situation is just wonderful. My hat is off to you.

Love,
Andrew