Open Letter: Dear Femme

[blush]

Originally Posted by Isadora

Truth with tact and timing is what I always think about when trying to work through something... I also ask myself several questions...especially when dealing with hurt or anger...

1. Who is the truth for?

2. Will they even hear it?

3. Is the purpose of telling the "truth" (because even truth is subjective, colored by our own perceptions of what the truth may be) to harm or heal?

4. Will telling the truth change anything for the better other than make me feel justified?

I have quit several groups in my life (and people) for many reasons. I seldom give a reason because I don't have to, or because I felt the ethics was not even there for them to even hear the issues. I have to admit that there are times when I have had to say, "ENOUGH" and moved on with as much self dignity as possible.

I think that we perceive that we have to justify our actions or needs...and we don't...just resign and leave with your head held high and your ethics clean and clear.

You go girl, and remember that you are powerful inside and that is what matters and stopping involvement is not a failure but an opportunity for growth and change. You can't keep pouring water in a full cup, it just gets messy, you have to empty it before you can refill it with another flavor. One that may be much more tasty!

I think femmes are "trained" to come up with an elaborate, bullet-proof reason for leaving or changing a situation. If the explanation doesn't satisfy the requirements of our audience, then we are expected act accordingly.

It reminds me of a Greek Chorus following me around.

In those situations, explaining may do one of 2 things:
-feeds their attention black hole (which may be why you're leaving anyway)
or
-subject your reasons to their judgment. They feel justified in telling YOU why YOUR reasons and YOUR choices are wrong.

I speak my truth when I need to. I don't speak it to satisfy others.

[Lynn]

I'm thinking about your questions, e, and considering my own reactions throughout the course of this thread.

Is it naive of me to think of this thread as some kind of separate, discrete space? I don't think so. Otherwise, why are there different forums and threads? Why can't I have the expectation that a discussion about femmes, for femmes, in a forum called "The Femme Zone," could be had WITH femmes?

I know that others are interested in this topic and supportive of the femmes they know and love. I don't mean to devalue that when I speak honestly and say that I don't think that has anything to do with the subject of femmes speaking about the femme experience. In this context, it becomes somewhat non-sequitor. Not wrong. Not mean, silencing, or anything bad. Just not related to the discussion that I perceive we're having. Of course, my perception isn't everyone's, and clearly, there are femmes who have a completely different viewpoint. It's not just *my* discussion, and I know that.

No one has ever asked me to respond to questions about being femme without also defining what that should mean to me. That, of course, leaves no room for my actual experience. It's really empowering and validating to have someone ask a question and then actually LISTEN to the answer. The validation comes from the sharing of experiences with others who can empathize because they've experienced the same things. Validation comes from just being listened to, with caring and understanding. That's my feeling about the beauty of this thread.

[Arwen]

While I do value the butch/trans/other input, I think that this needs to be for femmes and about femmes and by femmes.

It is not that I think a butch can not answer these questions. It is that I think femmes MUST answer them.

There can be no cheating on this test...if you will.

And I do view this as a test. Can I define myself in such a way that femme is not hip-joined (or other -joined) to who I am emotionally and physically attracted to?

Still working on it.