Dating a Trans Person (FTM)

betenoire · 09-21-2010, 05:30 AM

Hi, Zora. I'm Brandy.

For your question about what it means for your identity....well. Really, nobody and nothing can make you anything than what you are. If you feel Queer - you're Queer.

That's certainly not the end of the story, though. It's a conversation that the two of you are going to have to have at some point, I'd think...regarding YOU and your identity. You do not have to transition (for lack of a better word) just because he is - and he needs to respect you and who you are.

And then there's the T. I certainly haven't dated every transguy on the planet (thank goodness, cuz that sounds wicked time consuming) so I'm no expert. But IN MY EXPERIENCE (which comes with the disclaimer that it's not true for every person every time) sometimes guys can get real self-centred when physical changes start happening. And rightfully so - I get that it's exciting. But for myself...I can only have so many conversations about "is this a new hair?" before I go completely batshit crazy and bolt.

I guess the key to navigating that stage will be lots of talk and boundary setting BEFORE it happens - which I never had the foresight to do. If you can be clear about what you need and your guy can remember that there are two of you in the relationship, you should be good to go.

Linus · 09-21-2010, 07:41 AM

To add a viewpoint from the other side of things

you may want to encourage your guy to find a support group in the area. That way he won't constantly bug you with questions like the one Betenoire mentions. For me, it made a huge difference in my relationship with K since I could lean on others for support when it became too much for her.

You may also want to find a support group for yourself (SOFFA) that is queer oriented. A lot of the questions and such that you're asking may also be ones you could ask others to find out what their take is on it in a more personal setting.

09-21-2010, 05:30 AM	#1
betenoire Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Satan in a Sunday Hat Preferred Pronoun?: Maow Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: The Chemical Valley Posts: 4,086 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,312 Thanked 8,740 Times in 2,566 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	Hi, Zora. I'm Brandy. For your question about what it means for your identity....well. Really, nobody and nothing can make you anything than what you are. If you feel Queer - you're Queer. That's certainly not the end of the story, though. It's a conversation that the two of you are going to have to have at some point, I'd think...regarding YOU and your identity. You do not have to transition (for lack of a better word) just because he is - and he needs to respect you and who you are. And then there's the T. I certainly haven't dated every transguy on the planet (thank goodness, cuz that sounds wicked time consuming) so I'm no expert. But IN MY EXPERIENCE (which comes with the disclaimer that it's not true for every person every time) sometimes guys can get real self-centred when physical changes start happening. And rightfully so - I get that it's exciting. But for myself...I can only have so many conversations about "is this a new hair?" before I go completely batshit crazy and bolt. I guess the key to navigating that stage will be lots of talk and boundary setting BEFORE it happens - which I never had the foresight to do. If you can be clear about what you need and your guy can remember that there are two of you in the relationship, you should be good to go. __________________ bête noire \bet-NWAHR\, noun: One that is particularly disliked or that is to be avoided.

09-21-2010, 07:41 AM	#2
Linus The Planet's Technical Bubba How Do You Identify?: FTM Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him/Geek Relationship Status: Married to my forever! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Redondo Beach, CA Posts: 5,440 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,929 Thanked 10,727 Times in 3,172 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	To add a viewpoint from the other side of things you may want to encourage your guy to find a support group in the area. That way he won't constantly bug you with questions like the one Betenoire mentions. For me, it made a huge difference in my relationship with K since I could lean on others for support when it became too much for her. You may also want to find a support group for yourself (SOFFA) that is queer oriented. A lot of the questions and such that you're asking may also be ones you could ask others to find out what their take is on it in a more personal setting. __________________ Personal Blog \|\| [] \|\| Cigar Blog "We become Human Doings instead of Human Beings." -- Ram Dass